I know I said I hoped glass-blowing or basket-weaving Jack would appear but now that knitting Jack is here I regret saying anything.
That article had me snorting like one of the unfortunate pigs that became entombed in cheap bacon and turned into charcoal briquettes in the oven as a sacrifice to the Dark Slop Lord. Absolutely obscene display of Christmas-ruining incompetence. Our finest satirists couldn't possibly have written anything better than that introductory origin story spiel. Also if you're going to keep hoarding mushrooms, why not use them to make mushroom gravy so the poor vegan at your dinner table doesn't have to choke down a weird sloppy yet dry as duck mandarin bread loaf?
Actually, on the subject of that 'packed with protein' stuffing roast: if it's split between six, that's about 6g protein per serving. For reference, the average sedentary woman requires about 46g of protein per day. If you're doing pescatarian bodybuilding, it's closer to 100g. A fine example of her not having a clue about macronutrients. Or micronutrients. Any kind of nutrients, really.