- Notice
me you mother) but since you don’t mind... 
Harrybosch
VIP Member
In the last thread our dear chef cook told us her son is still not sick of eating pigs in blankets, despite having had them for two weeks every day (possibly every meal). Dear hearts, correct me if I'm wrong, but are pigs in blankets not merely cocktail sausages wrapped in bacon or pastry? I'm a vegan and I figure I wouldn't have to practise that recipe repeatedly. It seems entirely unfuckuppable.
My little lady brain does not understand.
Also, with regards to the GCSE paper, she often refers to her work being taught in the national curriculum. That's complete and utter nonsense. Yes, an extract from Hunger Hurts was featured in a GCSE exam and then used as practice material in subsequent years. But the text is used as a vehicle for students to analyse a text. In the same paper there's an extract from a charity leaflet. At GCSE, students are expected to show they can understand a range of texts and text features and you can use almost any text for that purpose.
The way she makes it sound is as though her writings were used to teach students about poverty, social justice and how to put bacon on everything. Lady Di, she lie.
My little lady brain does not understand.
Also, with regards to the GCSE paper, she often refers to her work being taught in the national curriculum. That's complete and utter nonsense. Yes, an extract from Hunger Hurts was featured in a GCSE exam and then used as practice material in subsequent years. But the text is used as a vehicle for students to analyse a text. In the same paper there's an extract from a charity leaflet. At GCSE, students are expected to show they can understand a range of texts and text features and you can use almost any text for that purpose.
The way she makes it sound is as though her writings were used to teach students about poverty, social justice and how to put bacon on everything. Lady Di, she lie.
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GetOffMyLawn
Well-known member
Finally plucking up the courage to start actively participating in all that can only be described as Tattle’s biggest salty beef curtain production; the one and only Jack Monroe thread. Greetings fellow Monroe-errs - You will normally find me pointing and laughing at the downbeat dad of daughters and his devious, two faced wife but as his content becomes as stale as Jack Monroe’s bread and his attempts at begging even makes the Salvation Army cringe, well... I need something to stimulate my mind!
Our @Dogmuck promised that you’d go easy on newbies to this car crash! I’ve checked out all relevant threads, even when our protagonist joined in with the festivities, so am looking forward to being more than a lurker now.
Our @Dogmuck promised that you’d go easy on newbies to this car crash! I’ve checked out all relevant threads, even when our protagonist joined in with the festivities, so am looking forward to being more than a lurker now.
Hahahahaha hahaha
Alansbigplate
VIP Member
Queen of farts 
Alansbigplate
VIP Member
jenny2603
VIP Member
Somewhere in Southend a shop assistant has texted their mate to tell them about a really strange woman who came in and bought three copies of the Express whilst saying "yes, yes it is me". "After she left, we were all saying there's no way that was Barbara Windsor".
The video is the awful Mumsnet one where she says oil is oil and olive oil doesn't taste great so she uses the cheap stuff instead and other gems.https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.ex...money-weekly-shop-top-10-tips-Jack-Monroe/amp
Found this while googling. Jack flogging Groupon in the Express a few years ago. Searing insights like "eat leftovers instead of throwing them away". Sadly the video link is dead
Her chunky Mediterranean ass probably wants to disown her
And the classic sweet potatoes and carrots are the same
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jenny2603
VIP Member
"I first started developing this recipe upon hearing the news of Diana's death. My old mum came up the apples 'n' pears and said "Lady Di's dead, luv". At this I howled, wailed and clawed every carpet in the house to shreds, holes the size of 50 pence pieces appeared all over my body, I got a migraine in my arsehole and eye wets you wouldn't believe- hell of a state. I ran into the street and screamed "WHYYYYYY DIIIIIIII, WHYYYYYYYYY DIIIIIII DIE????? I CRY DI" It was then that the idea for softy soft peaches, packet stuffing and rose jam curry came to me. After 36 FORENSIC trials (one for every year of her too short life) I finally come up with the version I humbly present to you today from my cracked bowl of hearts. As you hoof the lot from a pan like one of the greedy hamsters Lady Di used to tend, please know that it's what her and Viv would have wanted. I once had the very great honour of preparing this for Diana's son Harry, unfortunately he and his lady wife Megan locked themselves in a toilet and refused to come out until it was agreed they'd leave the monarchy before they could taste any"
Congratulations to @DinosaurSenior for the words and @HotesTilaire for nominating them! 
Very close second to @kachoochoo for the topical and tropical: ‘Del Monte Trotter’.
Very close second to @kachoochoo for the topical and tropical: ‘Del Monte Trotter’.- The Jack from Del Monte says yes, absolutely!
- At least she kind of looks like .. herself?
- Such a great company to collaborate with.
- She rescued some yellow sticker mushrooms. Their reward? A slow death in a loaf tin on a radiator.
- She’s been quiet on Twitter, and active on her safe place (Instagram stories).
- She went to bed early like a good little girl, as is evident from her selfie.
- Have you been naughty or nice this year, cabal? Father Slopmas sees all.
- Seems her dad likes Del Monte fruit as well.
- Have you had your say in The Sloppies?
- She was ‘caught literally catnapping’. That sentient mirror sure is a mischief.
- The Xmas meals she planned and reciped? For The Express. With this and Del Monte, her ethics are through the roof!
- Don’t be talking about The Express’s readership. She’s ‘turning the tide’ from within. She turned the replies off on her announcement, but that doesn’t make it an echo chamber, ok? More like a floatation tank on that tide she’s turning.
For new joiners to the thread, here is @Passive_Aggressive_Lemon ‘s ‘Jack for Dummies’ post (edited to include updated info):
Thought it might be useful for new followers to have a post at the start of each thread with some info.
Limegoss article about Jack versus Jamie Oliver : https://limegoss.com/jack-monroe-jamie-oliver/
Thread #31 is the infamous one in which Jack turns up to talk to us directly. She makes her appearance on p. 17.
For anyone wanting to relive the glory days of her two-week stint on Daily Kitchen Live (DKL), have a grunk a through threads 2-9.
*** JACKISMS ***
Jack’s most oft-used reply to questions on recipe substitutions:
Yes, absolutely x
Some other favourite Jack quotes:
‘Babe, same’
‘I did a chaos’
‘My maverick brain’
‘My sad little face’
‘I’m BUSY’
‘I HOOTED / I am FIZZING’
‘I laughed up a lung’
** NEW **
‘Literally hella embarrassed AF’ about ‘Brexit and flip-flopping Covid flippancy’ and she ‘didn’t even vote for it’.
She likes to describe herself as ‘puppyishly honest and naively enthusiastic’
As of late November 2020, Jack conceded she is not poor, but living to a budget as she is saving for a forever home for her and SB.
*****
One of Jack’s followers once referred to Tattlers as sad hausfraus and Jack herself has likened us to a cabal. Therefore we have become the Cabal of Hausfraus™️. She also recently referred to us as ‘gossip mavens’ (so, we are gossip trusted experts). ** Recent additions to her terms of endearment for Tattle: conspiracy wankers, obsessive groups of completely unhinged bullies, bullying ninnies, and malign, vicious bullies **
To ‘GrunkaLunka’ your way through a thread means to catch up on posts. Named after a member who rather epically caught up on many threads in a short period of time (and is also a fearless pioneer of the space-time continuum. She really was here both Now and Then).
Jack once threatened to use her Liam Neeson skills to TRIANGULATE our whereabouts in order to intimidate us, so that’s what we mean by that. * She may also threaten to take us to court - do not be afraid, this is not the first time and it won’t be the last. *
Jack once sideboard modelled a Vivienne Westwood dress, seeming to infer that it’s what Viv would have wanted (as if she were dead), and then got snippy when corrected otherwise. There may be some ‘RIP Viv’ jokes (she is, of course, NOT dead)
We sometimes joke about being on Vladimir Putin’s bitcoin payroll list for being evil trolls.
During her stint on Daily Kitchen Live, Jack produced a godawful looking lasagne, with a thin white sauce that never thickened up, just disappeared. It was widely likened to ‘horse spunk’ - there may be some horse ‘spirit’ lasagne jokes.
Her last-uttered line to Matt Tebutt on DKL was: ‘Thank you so Matt much, Matt’, which made us all HOOT.
Jack ended a tweet that listed her (not unimpressive) four-and-a-half GCSE results (A*, A, B, B, C) with: ‘Now fuck off’. We sometimes like to use this in our own posts for comedic effect. We are NOT telling other fraus to fuck off, simply paying homage to Jack’s own genteel humour.
*Back in the mists of time, one funny frau used a Jimmy Nail ‘She’s Lying’ picture to illustrate their thoughts on one of Jack’s latest tales. @Alpha Beta thought it was Novak Djokovic, the cabal hooted and Novak Nail was born. You may see reference to Jimmy Nail, Novak Djokovic, or the combination of both: Novak Nail. All demonstrate that she’s lying.*
Also:
- She grew up in a 5-bed (mortgaged/owned) house
- She got a £4.5k Omega watch for her 21st birthday
- Her dad's a fucking LANDLORD (an oldy, but a goody)
- Jack and Louisa are no longer in a relationship - in Jack’s words: ‘She [Louisa] left’.
- ** NEW ** However, during Lockdown 2 (November 2020), a bubble buddy, ‘buddle’ (BB) came to stay with Jack. BB is pescatarian, cycles 200 miles a week, and works in London. Jack is teaching her to cook, while also using her as a figure of gentle ridicule. She cannot cook, she cannot iron, she cannot clean the television properly, she left the hose out and it got eaten by a fox, and she doesn’t know the difference between wet and dry ingredients.
- Her record for staying off Twitter since the start of these threads is 114 hours and 47 minutes.
- She is 90% vegan. The other 10% likes to nom nom on Five Guys burger and discounted chicken slices.
- During her appearance on DKL, she was asked why some mince has a higher fat content. ‘It just does.’
- The information held on her by Companies House has her year of birth WRONG. She was born in 1988, not 1978.
- She recently claimed she found her Burberry scarf in a muddy puddle.
Here is a link to Jack’s Tattle Wiki page, which also includes clips of Matt Tebutt muttering ‘Terrible!’ on Daily Kitchen Live, courtesy of @Yel) and @Bookweevil ‘s hilarious Glossary of Jack.
We are terrible for going off on tangents and using too many gifs, so there is another thread where we don’t discuss JM but instead talk about biscuits and stuff. For good light relief when JM is doing too much chaos, come to the Food & Drink threads in Off Topic.
- Lastly, but importantly, when submitting ideas for the next thread title, please use the words ‘thread title’, as it makes it easier to search. Just using the number won’t be enough. We also can’t have swears in the title, and try to hold off until around p. 40 for your suggestions, if possible. ThankYOU.
Alansbigplate
VIP Member
Mel Donte
Chatty Member
I'm reading through the article again and whilst Jack doesn't specify that every ingredient is the cheapest possible I think it's very much implied. I think The Express are breaking ASA rule 2.1 - marketing communications must be obviously identifiable as such and 2.4 - marketers and publishers must make clear that advertorials are marketing communications; for example, by heading them "advertisement feature".
PS. Yes, I am VERY fun at parties
PS. Yes, I am VERY fun at parties
Why, Dick Van Dyke pays you a little visit, of course!
