Jack Monroe #113 I beg your pardon, she’s got a hammock in her rented garden

[traumatised sideboard]

I've been waiting to share this for ages but wanted to wait until I could do it justice. I think that's now. <insert the rest of Jack's anti-climactic Sponsorbot Twitter spiel>

Basically I've outsourced all maverick recipe creation to Slopbot. Unlike Jack's Sponsorbot, this is an actual bot (kind of, it's a random sentence generator) that will produce recipes for you. Here's an example of the kind of delicious concoctions it can come up with:

You can access Slopbot via slopbot.com and then click on the NEW SLOP PLEASE (I haven't worked out how to change the font size in the button, if you're on mobile you'll have to trust me that's what it says) button underneath the Slopbot picture for a new recipe.

I hope this isn't against the rules, I did check them forensically. This website doesn't benefit me in any way, it's not a company, it's not social media and it's not harassment, it just makes it easier to lampoon Jack's recipes and inspire the exploration of new culinary avenues. Obviously I will take it down if it is deemed inappropriate.

 

[Veronicaaa]

OH MY GOD YOU GUYS!!!

Are cynical social media influencers exploiting backlash against online abuse to deflect scrutiny? – Laura Waddell

Gossip is old news. Shakespeare, in fact, was among the first to commit the word to print, his characters frequently getting the wrong end of tittle tattle to both comic and tragic outcome.

www.scotsman.com

 

[Winthropp Tuesday]

Hello Fraus, I'm a former lurker - now joining up after seeing the article this morning and having my suspicions raised for about a year or so now. Retweeted the piece, had a lovely tweet back from Laura and then immediately a message from one of my colleagues to say "Is that article about Jack Monroe? OMG I have so many issues with her" ...and then an extremely and severely long diatribe about what a liar, grifter and muppet she is. People are waking up. I'm one of them and I just want to say thank you for these threads and for the honest and frank discussions. You lot have kept me going the last few weeks and months. and slopbot....utter utter genius...

Thankyou and time for a piss and a sandwich xx

 

[TVC15]

Hey, funny forum people, I shared last week about my good buddy who is struggling with major damage to his body from alcohol/drug use. Now I want to share that he got a spot in a 6-month rehab program/community house today. He’s been waiting for months. I’m so relieved. I’m so happy. He’s scared shitless because it’s an all-male and pretty rough place, and he’s a soft boy, but... Christ alive I’m proud of him for not giving up. I was having intrusive thoughts about the possibility of attending the funeral of the first contemporary of mine to pass. Fucking grim.

 

[MancBee]

I was creeping down the thread with my hands over my eyes waiting for your post Manc! I hope you were sitting down when you saw it

I wasn’t sure if it was appropriate to say but you were in my thoughts yesterday mucker. I always appreciate your honesty and it’s thanks to good folks like you campaigning and talking and ensuring that those taken too soon are still remembered

Thanks so much for that. Yes, World AIDS Day yesterday was part of the reason for my dark day. I have a lovely picture from the 1980's of a coach trip to the Pink Picnic to raise money for AIDS charities. Half of that coach had died within 10 years. It was heartbreaking to live through, and thankfully outcomes are so much better these days. For people in developed countries at least, Africa still has terrible problems.

 

[Veronicaaa]

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That first tweet, about Rashford being out of frame, pissing him laughing, has this energy :

 

[Knit one Pearl one]

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As she has cameras on her door, how is it possible that the kindly stranger/neighbour, who left surprise soap on her doorstep, is still a mystery?

 

[SweetTransvestite]

 

[colouredlines]

Dear Jack,

As we are entering the season of goodwill, here are some helpful suggestions of new, maverick and not-at-all inane ideas you can use to boost Twitter engagement:

* pineapple on pizza: yes or no
* do you eat your pizza with hands or cutlery
* jaffa cake: cake or biscuit
* does a pie need to have pastry all the way around
* do you fold the toilet paper or just scrunch it up
* do you turn your pillow over to get to the cold side
* dogs vs cats

You're welcome! Hohoho

 

[jenny2603]

I have just reread "Potatoes". I don't know why I do these things to myself, perhaps because I couldn't believe it the first time. Anyway I was goggling at this remarkable paragraph:

"I retreat into the basest of animal instincts when I am frightened, curling into a ball, howling, roaring, sobbing, clawing at the floor. That switch can flick from anything from a noise in the garden at night, to a missed bill payment starting a spiral of avoidance into red-topped letters, again. The fear never goes away. I understand now that it probably never will. Poverty has been proven to change the very makeup of a persons brain."

There is quite a bit of research into the effect on poverty on the brain, though this relates mainly to children and people in long term poverty. I am no expert in the field but extensive googling hasn't turned up anything on the effects of poverty on the middle class brain that has to claim benefits for a few months. It strikes me as somewhat distasteful to say the least to steal the experiences of people who have been put at real and lasting disadvantage due to poverty in early childhood. Actually it's downright offensive.

Bear in mind "Potatoes" is intended to be addressed to Annunziata Rees-Mogg. A good article could have been written citing the effect of poverty and bad diet on children, outlining the difficulty accessing fresh produce in some poorer areas and even just the difficulty of schlepping in from your badly paid job feeling like shit and reaching for the oven chips because you just don't have the energy to stand washing and peeling spuds. It's hard enough to get the harder right Tories to even accept that solving poverty requires anything more than the lazy sods getting up off their fat arses and working. It takes credible information to counter that because when push comes to shove they think everyone poor is at it. Instead we get some spoiled middle class arsehole who actually is fucking at it claiming they're permanently brain damaged by a relatively short term benefit claim. If Annunziata Rees-Mogg has bothered her arse to read that ridiculous tantrum all it will have done is confirm every shitty stereotype about feckless whiners making exaggerated claims to try and squeeze more money out the government.

 

[Lumpyspaceprincess]

I like this squiggle.

 

[HarderFaster]

I've been waiting to share this for ages but wanted to wait until I could do it justice. I think that's now. <insert the rest of Jack's anti-climactic Sponsorbot Twitter spiel>

Basically I've outsourced all maverick recipe creation to Slopbot. Unlike Jack's Sponsorbot, this is an actual bot (kind of, it's a random sentence generator) that will produce recipes for you. Here's an example of the kind of delicious concoctions it can come up with:

View attachment 330807

You can access Slopbot via slopbot.com and then click on the NEW SLOP PLEASE (I haven't worked out how to change the font size in the button, if you're on mobile you'll have to trust me that's what it says) button underneath the Slopbot picture for a new recipe.

I hope this isn't against the rules, I did check them forensically. This website doesn't benefit me in any way, it's not a company, it's not social media and it's not harassment, it just makes it easier to lampoon Jack's recipes and inspire the exploration of new culinary avenues. Obviously I will take it down if it is deemed inappropriate.

Omg

I don’t even care if you’re Jack harvesting my data, this is amazing. Look forward to you knocking on my front door holding a massive red triangle, tbh.

 

[MancBee]

Just noticed that last night she said she was "smugly hitting the Debenhams sale". Nice to see she has compassion for those losing their jobs. By all means "hit the sale", but to do it "smugly" is just tone deaf.

She is despicable.

 

[traumatised sideboard]

I am grateful for the positive response to Slopbot, all these recipes sound incredible! Once I had the idea it was the work of a moment I had to teach myself code from scratch over the course of a few hours and because I am autistic it worked perfectly first time frankly I am still amazed that it worked (and yes @Switchstreetz the drawing is both mine and deliberately terrible yet strangely charming).

@Vroo Angel Delight, Creme Egg and banoffee tart sounds too reasonable, it could definitely be improved by some anchoïade.

 

[MancBee]

I have been taking a bit of a break.......no need to explain, you've all have been there. I have been dipping in and out, it is good to know there are people out there that can make me laugh, even when things get a bit wobbly.

I just had to say that I really thought that Slopbot was an actual robot by Jack's friend the creator of Small Robots. I thought he was being a bit cheeky with his friend and might incur the wrath of Jack when she read it! Then the penny dropped!

Since realising that it was created by the marvelous @traumatised sideboard I have spent far too long hitting that new slop button.. My favourite so far is this one, I especially liked the "rinsed hoop", made me laugh up a lung.

"My latest creation is blueberry, rinsed hoop and red onion porridge. I inhaled it disgracefully in the communal skip and Edwina Currie declared it the best ever."

Keep up the good work you lovely Fraus. Meanwhile I shall take Jack's advice on keeping warm by wearing clothes and using a heater, I never would have thought of that without her insightful knowledge.

 

[Veronicaaa]

The beauty of not naming names, too, is that the people discussed in the column would actually have to step forward and basically admit that they can recognise their behaviours in what's described. I believe that's called CHECK MATE!

 

[Pocahontas]

Thing is, I know it sounds harsh - but I’m not worried about her. She choosing to post all of this - and it’s all for attention.

 

[holliebollie]

We can expect some hilarious chocolate related puns in about 2 years’ time... she will probably still be making eye test jokes then too.
On this thread, ninnies hold a wide range of incomes and experiences but I don’t think any of us have curled into a ball, clawing the floor and screaming over a noise in the garden or a letter arriving.
This year has been the first in about 15 that I’ve had to rely solely on universal credit. I paid my bills, did the food shop, fed the children (all solids) and didn’t have a great deal left. The end. I’m now working again and will be better off.
The most I would say about this period when I look back in ten years’ time is: it was crap not having any spare money. Thankfully it wasn’t for long. That is IT.
Honestly, if she really has been disturbed this much by a few months on benefits (when she had people who could have helped too) then she really should call one of her three therapists. It’s just mind boggling.

 

[DinosaurSenior]

Reader, I was a windowdresser in Debenhams. No creativity involved at all. The instructions got sent to us every week, and I spent a lot of time dusting, and hoovering up dead bluebottles.

 

[Mel Donte]

Yesterday: let me tell you about the 37 layers of clothing I have to wear because of my arthritis
Today: anyway, here are my nips.