Dating after lockdown #21 More red flags than Pamplona, we don’t wanna know about your boner.

[Clickbait]

Anyone wanna twll me a positive story about how they found love at over 30? I turned 33 in April and my sisters in christ it is all getting so horrible out there.

The dating apps are shite, the conversations are boring as hell, and the men are either overconfident assholes who may or may not be cheating on their partners who just want a quick shag, or jobless ambitionless scrubs.

I've done the whole Female Dating Strategy thing of "leveling up" but all ot has done is made me see that 95% of men are just not worth dating.

Add to that I'm rather stumbling from crisis to crisis at the moment in my personal development and it feels like a relationship or love are further away than ever before.

You can find a happy relationship at any age, although I think it is harder once you reach your mid-30s because opportunities to meet new people are fewer and further between and we all come with more complexities - be that children, fall out from past relationships, having unrealistic expectations or being less willing to compromise.

I’d recommend taking time to focus on your personal development if you feel that is causing crisis in your life. To be successful at dating you have to be happy in your own skin, confident in your ability to sort the good from the bad, and resilient enough to deal with the shitty behaviour that sadly often comes with the use of apps.

In terms of a positive story - I was in a 4 year relationship with someone in my 30s that I stayed in for far too long because I didn’t want to be single. When he finally tipped me over the edge I took some time to process what went wrong and what part I had to play in that, and to focus on making myself happy. When I was ready I dipped my toe back into the murky waters and found the experience very different to the last time round because to put it bluntly I was not desperate to meet someone.

My previous desperation at chasing an elusive relationship really clouded my judgement, made me put up with crap, entertain men who were not worth my time, and essentially devalued who I was as a person and made me forget what I was worth and what I brought to the table.

That’s why I’m like a broken record in this group reminding people it’s ok to take a break from dating if it becomes a chore/not enjoyable/literally toxic to your mental health.

I’ve been in a very happy relationship which is approaching the 2.5 year mark, we lived together quite quickly (courtesy of lockdown), bought a house together last year and I’m expecting our first baby at the start of October. That was all I ever wanted and I’m so thankful I have it now, even though it was many years later than I’d hoped for.

Luck played a part in bringing us together - I was about to take a break from the apps but was hungover on NYD and thought I’d fill the time. He’d just joined them again after a 6m break. We wouldn’t have met without connecting on an app so for that reason I’m grateful for them. They are a means to an end and can have positive outcomes amidst the fuck boys, cheaters, ghosters and nutters!

 

[DollyDiamondxo]

Piece of advice ladies when your feeling shitty about being perpetually single.. don’t go on the ‘things that made you smile’ today thread.. now I have a gratitude list ofc. But going on that literally every post is ‘my bf did this/my bf did that’ n I’m here like ok... can barely get a text back never mind a kind gesture outta someone

 

[Bagpuss7]

So my date for tomorrow night has messaged this morning saying he has a headache and he hopes the paracetamol work ..... and soo it begins !

 

[al255]

I can’t believe them guys🫣 I agree with it being two ends of the spectrum though. Block and delete for sure!!!

My date went soooo well, he wouldn’t let me pay for anything, he was lovely and we had so much fun. I ended up back at hisI’m on the train home rough!! We’re going to see each other again, not sure when but I’ll let him make that move!

 

[candyland_]

It’s been a tough thing for you deal with. I think strict no contact is a good idea, to give yourself a chance to heal. I hope it helps you work through it all

I stepped away from dating a couple of weeks ago to give myself a chance to focus on other things. My ex has stayed in contact with me. We’ve had a lot of contact these past 2-3 months, found we’ve got even more in common, and have similar ambitions for the future… but still no effort to meet up/sort things out. I’ve tempered that with accepting he’s still not in a good place with the divorce, because he’s still trying to reach a settlement and has got a lot of other shit going on. Out of the blue, considering he wants to be “friends”, he looked at my dating profile a couple of times last weekend. What’s that about? We’ve not messaged since and I didn’t raise it with him.

So many people around me think he’s absolutely got feelings for me and I should see what happens as he gets closer to the divorce finalising itself in late summer. I don’t know if I can do it. It shouldn’t be this hard, should it? I’ve kind of gone into unofficial no contact and I won’t be messaging him. I need to protect myself. I’m not dwelling or spending too much energy on it. I’m having to really consciously keep it all at arm’s length and focus on myself. I’ll know when it’s the right time to get dating properly again. I plan to just have a lovely summer away from the hassle of it all, and keep moving forward. @Fledgling Psycho I can’t find anyone who’d meet even a FWB standard either

I think you risk staying in this limbo even when his divorce is finalised. It will turn into ‘He just needs to accept his divorce is final…’ and then one day you could turn around and he’s with someone else. He’s already been seen on dating apps and a man that has feelings for you would have made the effort by now.
I know you keep saying you are doing no contact but you need to make it impossible for him to pop up and worm his way back in.

 

[Bagpuss7]

The beauty of this thread, apart from making us all feel less alone in this 'battle', means we can share experiences and help each other try to understand the whys, perhaps cause us to rethink how we engage with these men we encounter whilst also providing much needed support and reassurance that we aren't going bonkers / aren't the bonkers one !

 

[MsCurly]

@Belle123 you are so incredibly lovely, I would hate for you to get hurt by this potato of a man. However, I’m curious about what you want from this man. So genuinely, what do you want? From what you have told us, he very clearly seems to not be interested in wanting to get back together with you. So what are you trying to get out of this situation?

I very much understand that some people have a hold over us, which can make it very difficult for us to let go. But a relationship (any kind of relationship!) needs to be balanced. There must be give and take on both sides. Right now it seems like you are giving 110% whilst he is doing nothing but taking. And that is not fair to you.
The entire situation honestly reminds me a bit of that film “He’s just not that into you”.
If he wanted to, he would. If he wanted to be together with you, he would have made the effort. If he wanted to be friends with you, he would have been better at communicating. I have seen arseholes of men become princes on white horses for women, simply because they wanted to.
I strongly feel like what he is doing to you now, is not fair. He’s holding you hostage, whilst you deserve a fairytale ending.

I am rooting so incredibly hard for you, because you’re genuinely the most thoughtful person on this thread. You always take so much time to consider everyone’s issues and give very thoughtful advice. I hope I am not stepping out of line with this post, but I genuinely believe that you deserve so much better, even from just a friend (or whatever kind of label you want to put on this).

 

[BunnyLebowski]

I’m going on holiday with my best mate today. Can’t wait, we’re not even bothering to take our make up bags, we don’t give a shit this holiday wish I could bring you all with us. 5 star all inclusive, adults only hotel on a secluded Greek island.

Meanwhile, tennis boy is being very attentive…. I’m being to wonder what the catch is. If something’s to good to be true n all that….

 

[MsCurly]

One of my worst nightmares regarding dating has just come true. A guy who had seen my profile on Bumble used the information to find me and sent me a message via Facebook. It is really creepy! He asked me for legal advice and offered to take me out in order to 'compensate' me. When I asked him how he found me he said he was scrolling through his friend list. However, we are NOT friends on Facebook, but he does live nearby. So at first I thought he could have found me through LinkedIn, but nope it was through bumble. I'm honestly a bit shaken up by it! I'm definitely removing all traceable information from dating apps, which is kind of hard because I have a very unique name which makes it super easy to find me.

 

[Fledgling Psycho]

What I think is really scary is just how naturally manipulative some (most) men are! It's not even calculating in many cases, just in their DNA or something. I just don't believe women generally are in the same proportion. I'd like to throw a bucket of algae & pigs excrement over Bagpuss7 latest prince from Badooland! As he cock of the walks out of his office. Yep I'd like to go real Fledgling Psycho over this specimen.

 

[Belle123]

Thanks everyone. Writing it out here has certainly helped me. Sometimes it helps to get it out of your head, away from people who are too close to me, and want to believe this will all come good, like some fairytale. I’ve allowed myself to be influenced by my romantic friends who want my happy ending… but I want someone who makes an effort with me and doesn’t play me with words. He’s made me think he just needs time, but I can’t take the limbo anymore.

I don’t believe that he’s dating anyone else. If he’s lying to me, well, that’s his prerogative. I have no idea why he looked at my profile out of the blue, and for the first time since we dated. He’s had his dating profile up for months. He hardly goes on there. Of course men go on dating apps when they are not ready - we get stung by them all the time. He was on there and met me when he wasn’t emotionally ready for it. I therefore have to respectfully disagree with the comment that him being on there means “he’s ready”. No, he’s not. Even women who post on here admit to going on them through boredom, habit, impulsiveness, being nosy and, if they’re really honest, plain old validation. Not because they’re ready to meet someone and have a healthy relationship. There’s things I won’t divulge here, but you have to trust I’m not deluding myself and I have a different perspective on it because I know what’s happened between us and been said. I’m obviously only giving a snapshot here. He’s actually shown signs of jealousy at me being on the dating apps recently. I’ve observed a blatant pattern of him engaging with me when he knows I’ve been on there, so I know he’s affected by it. It’s all white noise, and to be blunt, pathetic. Where’s the decisive action?

It’s largely irrelevant why he looked at my profile - I could waste time driving myself to distraction analysing that and I can’t be arsed - or even has a dating profile. I actually think the problem is not that he’s dating other women and is keeping me sweet, like some f%#* boy that he isn’t. It’s much simpler than that. He’s still not properly let go, emotionally, of his wife. He is still going through the turmoil of letting her go. Not even after all these months later has he shown enough growth and movement forward. It’s that obvious fact that’s proven to be my wake-up call! His behaviour is too vague and wishy washy for me. Keeping me close enough, but not doing anything real to re-establish our relationship. Having his cake and eating it. I’ve reached the end of my patience with it and I really feel like I’ve finally got to a place of letting him go.

Getting my promotion and gaining more of a control over other things in my life that were making me unhappy has galvanised me into putting this in a box and out of the way. No good can really come from all this contact and he certainly has no impetus to reflect properly on things while I’m there. That’s not why I’m doing this. I finally feel something has truly clicked in my brain. I can’t explain the relief at finally feeling like this. I’ve willed it to happen for so long.

It’s crystal clear to me now, having had time to observe it, that he’s clearly pandering to her, and I think that’s because he still loves her and has yet to move on. Sure, he’s going through the motions of the divorce, and I’ve no doubt he’s got a side to him that wouldn’t go back to her after everything. But love, relationships and emotions are more complicated and illogical than that and he probably still has some what ifs on some level, even if he desperately wants to move on. It’s just human nature to wonder. While he’s busy being stuck in one place with her and moving forward at a snail’s pace… I’ve gone. I’ve deleted him from my phone.

 

[candyland_]

Bloody well! What a 24 hrs my life is.
SO, the guy I asked out for a drinks basically didn’t know when he was free? I said okay fair enough, but next time we see each we will have clothes on (every time we see each other we have sex!) and he said “I agree to be honest lol” I called him out on it and basically said he’s so confusing, it’s like whiplash. And cut a long story short, we basically both admitted we wanted to see where it goes! Xx

I don’t want to be negative and I’d hate to spoil your excited vibes but be careful. The guarded part of me thinks he’s changed his tune because you took sex off the table. I’m wary that he will sweet talk you for now and then revert back to how he was yesterday.

 

[IGiveUp22]

I took advice and told him I had plans tonight. He just sent me his location and he is 1km away with some chocolate for me. He is being very cute about it all and I am now quite sad that he’s confirmed all my suspicions and now I can’t meet him because he’s clearly batshit.

im just baffled by how this guy thinks this is okay? Even if you’d had been on a couple of dates I’d still think it was a bit much early on. Totally agree it’s classics narc behaviour after learning myself from being with one previously!
it’s still just baffles me there are people out there that behave this way & then the other person on the other end feels like they have to tread carefully to get themselves out of an uncomfortable situation they didn’t ask/expect to be put in!

and then that other guy speaking to @Losa53 like that…what on earth?!
Please block both of these men ladies. Huge red flags & you both deserve a million times better xx

 

[candyland_]

Lol update turns out he has a girlfriend but they're not in a good place.

I’m losing the will to live with these men

 

[Dollenganger]

Yeah something isn't right.
If I wouldn't meet him a hotel why the hell would I invite him to mine and my children safe space lol
Even tho we been speaking few months its more off then on, never spoke on phone and he doesn't have social media
His WhatsApp also says business account

I really hate men asking to come to my house - it puts me right off them for a number of reasons. I can’t stand some men and their entitled attitudes.

 

[Bagpuss7]

...reluctant to exchange numbers, vanishes in the evenings around 5ish and mia all weekend = married? Not just me that suspects that yes ?!

We have facetimed when he was in his office so he matches his pics and he's very keen to meet up and we have a date planned but the above is giving me massive red flags ...again!

 

[LaBlonde]

I wonder why it's men (generally) that don't change? Hand on heart, I can say that every bad or traumatic or even disappointing experience has made me reconsider or at least reflect on my behaviours. But men seem not to do this - they have an experience (whether it's resulting in hurting someone or just not great behaviour) and onwards they go, not a care in the world.

i truly just don’t think they self reflect or consider their actions like we do. the worst ones are the “nice guys” who will justify ghosting you because they “didn’t want to hurt your feelings” or “didn’t want to get your hopes up” but it’s okay because they’re telling you now, aren’t they a nice guy?! my last ex did this, after weeks of ghosting, wrote a message i’m sure he thought was very “nice” and told me he didn’t want to hurt me; i’m sure he walked away from the situation thinking he’d done the “right” thing and been kind, he probably still thinks this.

men will just do what is easiest, what suits them, and will come up with any number of excuses as to why what they did was reasonable. and then onto the next!

 

[MsCurly]

@Bagpuss7 what a joke he turned out to be! I'm glad you caught on early.

@Belle123 I'm very happy for you that you are finally putting this situation behind you.

During my last relationship I had to deal with something similar. He loved me and cared for me, but said he wasn't ready and that I was too much for him (he also had mental health issues). I beat myself up over it so many times, but eventually I realized that you cannot love someone into loving you. You cannot make people stay, you can only give them reasons to stay.
The lessons I learned from that relationship were the hardest lessons I ever had to learn, and it really took me a while before I got through it. I'm happy to read that you've been able to rationalize it all and are taking your distance from it!

 

[Kimmylookatme]

it’s ok lol it’s true, fuck him

You don’t need that kind of non committal bull shit!

Petition to have you have wine every friday and dispense blunt advice here

honestly these time wasters drive me insane. Everyone on here is so eloquent and articulate and witty like everyone is a catch, so why are we wasting our mental space on these dickheads!

 

[Sprottish]

I said I wouldn’t post in this forum but I need to help and need to talk to people in similar situations and just moan basically.

but I went on this date with this lad in February. And saw him again in March and that’s where he basically insinuated that he wasn’t looking for a relationship (which we all know that He isn’t looking for a relationship with me) But we said we would be friends. Well, hingsight that was bullshit. We didn’t talk for a bit then he messaged me and started flirting. Well I got caught up in and started flirting Back.
I then I tried to see him but here came the excuses- “I’m in a weird mood atm” “my grandads are in, my sister is in hospital” and that’s serious so you don’t want to call him a liar…but anyway. I basically started feeling like something was off and he finally came clean tonight that he was seeing someone.
And I honestly feel like such a MUG!!!! Because I give people benefit of the doubt and I get shitted on and in some way, I feel like I ask for it aswell. I don’t want to become guarded or cycnial, but Then in the past,I have done that and become too guarded/cycnical and just not me.

but I guess my moan is that I’m sick of attracting these losers, and being taken for a mug and being the one before The One and just overall, feeling hopeless and that I’m forever going to get it wrong, forever single and I’m 32 this year- never been in a relationship, never been in love (the happy way!). And I’ve put the work with my behaviour, toxic behaviour and being attached to unavailable men.

but I’ll be honest- I just want to be loved and in love. Is that too much to ask for?

I’m ranting now but thanks for listening.

Please post away! I’m a firm believer that the more stories, woes, happy endings, heartache and tragedies we experience on here, the more we are wise to the world and get through them.

I’m sorry this guy did that to you. We all know it’s much easier said than done to walk away when we are attracted to and attached to someone. Be thankful that you are a good and honest person (cliche I know) but honestly, are these people who f**k us around ever going to be truly happy? You certainly don’t ask for it I’m sure, unless you enable this behaviour which you clearly don’t as you put an end to it right away when he ‘fessed up. Think of it as a lucky escape. It could have dragged out for years and taken up more of your life!

I’m also 32 and I do feel your pain however, (and I always say this so apologies) we really do have SO much time, imagine you meet someone when you’re 40. Here’s hoping we live a long life until we’re 85. That’s still FORTY FIVE years with someone. Please don’t let societal pressures convince you you’ve got to be settled down by your 30s. How many people do you know in their 50s on their second husband/wife? Both my parents remarried in their 50s. Lots of my friends parents the same. In some ways, I think it’s a bit of a trap meeting someone young (or am I just bitter, who knows? )

Trust me, I’ve been heartbroken a few times in my life and I’m the only one of my friends who’s not in a long term relationship, but I really do think I’d rather look back on my life and think about all the people I got to meet, get to know, fall in love with (or yes be heartbroken….).

How do you feel about the dating apps?

Lots of love to you, I can guarantee we have all felt this way