Dating after lockdown #21 More red flags than Pamplona, we don’t wanna know about your boner.

[Carapop]

Oh lord, that is a classic narc move. Big build up, grand gesture, acts like the milk tray man. No doubt he’ll try and make you feel guilty that you won’t see him despite the fact you told him you had plans, and he only had to wait until tomorrow.

This guy clearly can’t keep a lid on his crazy. If you do decide to meet him please be careful - public place, lots of people around, someone knows where you are and gives you a ring to check you’re ok during the date, you let them know you’re home safe and sound afterwards x

Ah thank you but there’s no way I’m meeting him now. I fabricated plans tonight just to try and save him from shooting him self in the foot but still he couldn’t resist. Such a shame. He was tall dark and handsome! But there are only so many warning bells I can ignore before I go deaf.

im very grateful for the community of lovely ladies here that are so generous with sharing their experience and best advice x

 

[Clickbait]

There is an issue with the narrative that women are fed and believe about what constitutes an exciting, passionate relationship. Bad boys are fun and interesting, nice guys are dependable, boring and choosing them is settling for a dull existence.

We’re told that excitement is not being sure where we stand, that men who make plans are dull: spontaneous men who appear out of nowhere are the ones who sweep you off your feet. Butterflies come from the uncertainty and treat ‘em mean, keep ‘em keen is a tactic we should somehow admire.

Many films show the holy grail being a woman who managed to convince the bad boy into changing his ways, or who changes herself so she fits in with his lifestyle and approach.

 

[Kimmylookatme]

I asked prison guy asked if he wanted to try and see each other this weekend and he replied going “unfortunately I’m busy all weekend x”

no ‘can’t this weekend but what about Monday?’ And he hasn’t text asking how my day was or explained what he’s doing. While my friends are saying “lads think differently, lads don’t like we do!” but I then text going “ok no worries. I’ll leave it upto You then to organise when we’ll see each other.” NOTHING BACK!!!

But to hear nothing?! NOTHING. One of my values is involvement - I like being involved, and someone involving me in their life and vice Versa. And with what everyone was saying on here- he isn’t interested. He can be as guarded and so am I, but I’m willing to be open and try. And work on my behaviour.

So I’m just gonna leave him be, I’m not gonna message, delete his number, delete our chat and when he messages, I’m gonna match his tone! fuck making an effort. I’m a bloody catch!! And he’s old enough to know better that if he carries on, I won’t be here & I’ll be enjoying my peace x

fuck him. Sorry blunt, have had a wine

 

[LaBlonde]

I said I wouldn’t post in this forum but I need to help and need to talk to people in similar situations and just moan basically.

but I went on this date with this lad in February. And saw him again in March and that’s where he basically insinuated that he wasn’t looking for a relationship (which we all know that He isn’t looking for a relationship with me) But we said we would be friends. Well, hingsight that was bullshit. We didn’t talk for a bit then he messaged me and started flirting. Well I got caught up in and started flirting Back.
I then I tried to see him but here came the excuses- “I’m in a weird mood atm” “my grandads are in, my sister is in hospital” and that’s serious so you don’t want to call him a liar…but anyway. I basically started feeling like something was off and he finally came clean tonight that he was seeing someone.
And I honestly feel like such a MUG!!!! Because I give people benefit of the doubt and I get shitted on and in some way, I feel like I ask for it aswell. I don’t want to become guarded or cycnial, but Then in the past,I have done that and become too guarded/cycnical and just not me.

but I guess my moan is that I’m sick of attracting these losers, and being taken for a mug and being the one before The One and just overall, feeling hopeless and that I’m forever going to get it wrong, forever single and I’m 32 this year- never been in a relationship, never been in love (the happy way!). And I’ve put the work with my behaviour, toxic behaviour and being attached to unavailable men.

but I’ll be honest- I just want to be loved and in love. Is that too much to ask for?

I’m ranting now but thanks for listening.

i read this late last night but am finally able to get my thoughts together to reply to you

i too am a thirty-something (a little older than you though!) who has never been in love and never had a “proper” relationship. this never really bothered me because i kinda understood why - i’m shy, like my own company, don’t make much of an effort to talk to men because a lot of them irritate me () but in some egotistical way i always thought “oh when i start really trying it’ll be fine” and have found that is absolutely not the case.

it’s really hard to deal with sometimes because, like you, most of my friends are in long-term relationships or easily and happily dating and getting loads of interest on apps and such, and it sometimes feels like i’m looking through a window into a room where everyone else is having a great time and in love and i’m outside under a raincloud or something.

on the flip side, i know that it’s a dangerous thing to start associating self-worth with romantic interest. it is also true, as @Sprottish says, that love can happen at any time, at any point in life. love can also come from anywhere, and i would rather be happy with my friends than unhappy in a relationship. self-love is the most important thing because your most important relationship is the one you will have with yourself.

however, i do also feel very bitter and why can’t that happen to me instead sometimes

i’m sorry that guy treated you like that but i am also proud (and you should be too!) of your reaction to it. you seem like an awesome person and it’s absolutely his loss. life is too short for mediocre men.

 

[al255]

Bloody well! What a 24 hrs my life is.
SO, the guy I asked out for a drinks basically didn’t know when he was free? I said okay fair enough, but next time we see each we will have clothes on (every time we see each other we have sex!) and he said “I agree to be honest lol” I called him out on it and basically said he’s so confusing, it’s like whiplash. And cut a long story short, we basically both admitted we wanted to see where it goes! Xx

I’m going to be honest and say I think he’s having you right on. He’s only said that so you think he’s on the same page as he wants to have his cake and eat it and not have to worry about hurting your feelings if you think he’s on the same page. He didn’t bother to agree to go out for drinks. He just wants you for sex!

 

[square_spoon]

Thank you ladies as always. I sent him a message earlier asking if we are any closer to exchanging numbers before the weekend especially as the app was not the most reliable for sending notifications. I've just looked and he's been online in the last hour but hasn't responded to my question. In the last 2 weeks he's been online constantly for most of the day but yesterday and today he's hardly been on...I sense a slow fade is occurring ! He works as a manager for a beauty company but who knows if that's true !

In the words of Shakespeare, bin his ass.

 

[IGiveUp22]

I genuinely give up haha
Been talking on and off few months but never arranged to meet up and suddenly he like we need to meet NOW

This guy is giving me bad vibes. There’s no real initiative for an actual date. He’s either inviting you to a hotel or inviting himself to yours. Then getting pissy when you set a boundary. I’d personally not entertain him anymore. If you do want to meet him etc just hold out for an actual date, in a public place x

 

[Bellaboonew12]

I think it’s so important that we learn to leave after the first red flag or suspicion because we sometimes ignore them for weeks or even months and it never ends well. We could save ourselves alot of wasted time by listening to our intuition from the start.

We are all guilty of calling men time wasters but most of the time we see the problems blazing in our face but still drag it out.

I have a story that backs this up. I met someone 12 years ago. There were red flags galore, he couldn't communicate face to face about anything important at all, and he would only 'argue' by text, after arguments nothing would be resolved just brushed under the carpet, he was stubborn to the point I always had to back down or he would threaten to end the relationship, he told me he never wanted marriage (it was very important to me), I saw these all as red flags but he was so intense and passionate when things were good I fell hard for him. I saw all these fags within 3 months of meeting him. I ignored it all and then moved in with him, fell pregnant soon after.

Moral of the story is I've spent 12 years trapped in the same cycle, going round and round and it's just ended for good, in heart break and trauma bond.

Obviously I've got my girl so I could never regret it, but the lesson I have learnt is to never ignore red flags early on. They will likely become bigger and harder to ignore as time goes on. I think there is a meme somewhere that says never ignore the red flags in the beginning because they will be the reason it ends.

It's been a hard lesson for me to learn but I won't make the same mistake again

 

[Kimmylookatme]

So in 2020/21 I learnt the hard way also that as much as we can convince ourselves it’s right person wrong time, it’s usually just a combination of factors that actually make two people quite incompatible even though it feels at the time like there’s nothing that makes more sense.
ive touched on it before so can’t be bothered to bore anyone with it again but there were (in my eyes at least) very legitimate reasons for doing so; but I left my (shit, entirely mismatched and controlling) marriage for someone I was convinced was The One. We were bloody fantastically compatible in so, so many ways. I still get desperately sad I’ll never laugh like that with anyone again. I loved and adored him so deeply and just felt completely at one with myself and him when we were together.It wasn’t like a random fling or affair, we were long standing friends and I literally left my husband before I’d ever even kissed this man because I was that convinced it was the path my life was supposed to take and I couldn’t carry on pretending anymore. When we broke up I literally could not mentally or emotionally accept we weren’t supposed to be together. Just could not process it in any way. I went a bit nuts to be honest, it wasn’t a good period of my life! And for sooo long afterwards I’d tell myself ‘it was Covid, it was the stress of my separation and divorce, it was my ex’s behaviour, it was xyz…’ no those things didn’t help. But fundamentally it was just that we weren’t meant to be. It’s a reallly, really hard thing to accept especially when there’s so much room to pin any issues on people not being emotionally ready (I certainly wasn’t at that point, I was a wreck.) But then I look at my friend who had an almost identical scenario, left her husband for someone she’d fallen for, and years later they’re still blissfully happy and recently engaged. They worked through all the crap together and I guess that’s because they have that formula that just works. It really, really does suck to think you have it and find out you were wrong. Makes you question your judgement and self entirely at times. But it’s quite empowering to finally accept it I guess.

 

[Agent Cooper]

@Belle123 i need to know what kind of necklace he was wearing

When reading Belle’s post, I pictured either this

or this

I really hope I’m wrong though

 

[Losa53]

Woke up to a message from arsehole...he said ' I need respect that he is busy and he not on his phone all day (even tho he was) and that his job will always come before me'
I did reply as that annoyed me and simple said ' you need to learn how to respect women and they way you spoke to me was rude and abrupt and there was no need. Enjoy your job'

I've deleted everything now and just booked a little holiday away with the girls from work so really looking forward to that.

 

[Clickbait]

I’m having the ‘I think we should have some space’ chat today.

We’ve both had a lot going on recently and his mental health has taken a bit of a dip so I think it would be better if we did our own thing rather than bumbling along. I don’t know if we are just fizzling out in all honesty.

I find your relationship a little confusing because it seems to be based on clearly a lot of mutual attraction, but a lack of quality communication, and contrary behaviour.

The fact that you still get so excited after (I think) 3 years for a date night is wonderful and feels like something worth preserving, but I’m not sure you’ve ever got your head round how to work together when he has bouts of depression, and that seems to take you off course.

I hope you get the outcome you want from your discussion today. If it continues with the ups and downs I could see why you might want a break. I’ve been relationships with men who have had mental health problems - addiction, anxiety, depression - and it really can take a lot of you, particularly if you feel that they won’t try to seek help.

 

[Jadejones9596]

Thought this would make you all giggle on a Monday morning...

Just filling mum in on my date I had the other week where there was sadly no chemistry. She asked me what he does for a living and I said grounds maintenance. She then says "oh, maybe you should give him another chance" to which I asked why and her answer was "well he would be so handy to have around for when the grass needs cutting"

Starting to think she wants me to have a handyman not a bloody partner

 

[candyland_]

I think it’s so important that we learn to leave after the first red flag or suspicion because we sometimes ignore them for weeks or even months and it never ends well. We could save ourselves alot of wasted time by listening to our intuition from the start.

We are all guilty of calling men time wasters but most of the time we see the problems blazing in our face but still drag it out.

 

[Fledgling Psycho]

I'm lucky most of my friends loathe their husbands.

 

[Fledgling Psycho]

@Sandor I've only ever had a sexual connection that worked once in my life. He was completely & utterly the wrong person for me yet the yearning for that connection never really leaves me. It was the first time I had ever comprehended what love and desire could feel like. Since then other men leave me stone cold.
It is good to hear of so many suddenly meeting decent guys though. If there's a spark too then it's promising.

 

[LaBlonde]

i mean, presented without comment:

 

[square_spoon]

A powerful sexual connection with someone who is wrong on many other levels has been the ruin of us all at one time or another! We have to keep going and believe the right balance of both is out there

 

[Clickbait]

I have a fear of just settling out of loneliness too. And in recent days I've been reevaluating my choosing choices on the apps. I've spoken to lots of really nice guys and dismissed them because they aren't quite tall enough or attractive enough etc all shallow reasons with hindsight. Some I've friendzoned and actually they have been consistent in their messaging and being bloody nice to me and we are now 'chatty' friends. It is a really good question as to why we do that ? Why do we reject the nice guys in favour of the idiots ?

You can over-evaluate your decision making though, and think that you’re at fault for being too picky when you run into a dry spell or have a run of time wasters. I swung the other way and made myself go on dates with people I didn’t find physically attractive from their photos because perhaps I was being shallow, they might be nicer/worth giving a chance too.

I didn’t change my mind about their attractiveness on the dates, and some were quite angry towards women in an incel type way and wanted to moan about how dating was so hard for them. They also didn’t take rejection well at all.

You’re allowed to have preferences that include height and appearance. You’re allowed to follow your gut when you start to chat to someone if you feel they’re more of a friend than a potential partner.

 

[TheTinyHuman]

This is really long I'm so sorry about that.

I've been texting a co worker pretty much non stop since Friday night. We work on the same team but different departments.

Friday night after a team event we took a train home together (it wasn't just us two, there were four of us) and he would NOT shut up about the cat. I was placating him a little throughout the journey home.

At the dinner I was talking about the drinks I was having last night for my birthday, he was in the group and said "oh sweet, text me about it"

So I was like "cool, I'll ask John* for your number and send it on" then John was like "you know he's right here, you can just have his number right now yeah?" So Tom* put his number in my phone and said "call me there" so he would have mine.

He initiated the contact Friday night saying about the cat and it's kinda gone from there.

And it's not anything too "I wanna put my dick in u" explicit but there's also been some deep messages like about his parents divorce and that life is messing him up/has messed him up a bit (no details but given some of what he's said, I'm imagining a break up of some kind) and how he's in a bit of a low and he's gonna start therapy, and like. . . .things you don't talk about with a normal Co worker?

Or in such frequency? Cos don't get me wrong. I love the other guys on my team to pieces. But we rarely text outside work. The only co-worker I regularly text outside work is someone with whom I make a lot of plans and travel on day trips with. My mind is like "he wouldn't message so much if he wasn't into you in some way?" And I'm into him in a big way.

But also he has showed me his cat. A lot. She's a good girl.

There's never been anything explicitly flirty, but things like making some kind of way to see each other, like me cooking lasagne or him offering to help with furniture if I move, or a round of shots to see which of us can best represent our country (I'm Irish, he's Australian.)

If it helps, I am 90 pc sure he is single. I asked "You said you don't live alone? How do your housemates feel about Indy (the cat)"

"Long story. Tell you someday"

Which is giving me "we broke up but still live together" vibes. You know?

TL;DR a co worker and I have been in pretty constant contact, and I don't know whether it's because he's interested or just as friends.

Lol update turns out he has a girlfriend but they're not in a good place.