Dating after lockdown #21 More red flags than Pamplona, we don’t wanna know about your boner.

[al255]

So my date tomorrow night has planned for us to go for drinks, escape room and then to this huge market in Manchester for food. I was honest with him and said nobody (including my exs) has ever done so much effort into a first date he said he’s really looking forward to it. I think we just “get” each other?! It’s soooo strange.

He said he loves small talk and he’s needy (perfect for me) .. I just think why did I waste my time with men that only text me back 2 times a day and didn’t make any nice plans for our date! Know your worth

 

[LaBlonde]

I never said what was hurtful lol so it may have been something hurtful to me cause I hate rejection, but when I’ve thought about it and time has passed, it wasn’t hurtful but just the truth y’know?

i too am confused.

it’s also fairly worrying if he said something that, at the time. you felt was hurtful but now somehow think is “the truth”? especially if that hurtful thing was about your fear of rejection, like you’re implying. it’s cruel to bring up someone’s legitimate fear, and then change that into being “true”.

but ultimately we can only comment on the information you’re providing, which from my pov, is that you’re giving this man all of the control of the situation, when he has previously said hurtful things to you and only messaged you back when you jokingly threatened not to have sex with him.

you’re pinning all of this on you letting your walls down, what is he going to do for you in return?! tread carefully with this because i am getting all sorts of bad vibes and don’t want you to be hurt.

 

[LaBlonde]

I WISH I had the audacity of my goddaughter. She recently broke up with a boy (both 14) because she said he had a funny smell. She literally said: "You smell like cheese. I do not want a boyfriend who smells like cheese. I want to break up, cheese boy."

please please please can we nominate “i want to break up, cheese boy” as a thread title.

i know it doesn’t really fit but it will make me happy whenever i see it

I've been pottering around at home, just so happy to not have Covid! @LaBlonde hope you're improving a bit and I've been pondering on how I doubt I could cope with another in my life.
For example, I loathe the heat, so what if I was with someone who was all "C'mon let's hit the road, go to Brighton, sit with hoards on the beach & queue for hours to get home again. C'mon it'll be fun!)
Or he's a quiet chap, doesn't say much & spends hours gaming, sneaks off to the bathroom to look at porn . Or would we be cuddled up gazing into each other's eyes. Maybe he'd be in the garden or horrors glued to the TV watching football. Maybe he'd be one of those guys who's awful at cooking, breaks everything he touches and can't assemble a drill.
I can't be around anyone for more than a few hours so maybe I'm better off single, alone with my imagination, pottering and musing on life. It's really not so bad being single and it's wonderful to not have Covid!

it’s very kind of you to think of me, thank you! i’m getting there, the fatigue is the worst part at the moment as everything is just a huge huge effort. improving every day though!

i love the rest of your post i think this all the time. as much as i’d like companionship i think i would want it on extremely specific terms - i too can’t deal with someone in my space for more than a few hours. sometimes i look around my lovely house and think “a MAN?! HERE?!” and it gives me the chills.

 

[Sprottish]

So I went on a bit of a spontaneous date today. I had downloaded hinge a few weeks back just for a gander & just to stop me feeling like I’d never find anyone again after the last guy etc.
anyway, started chatting to a guy, turns out I had him on Facebook already. We’ve been chatting for over a week, he was even messaging me whilst on a stag do over last weekend. Anyway we went for coffee today.
he was good looking, seemed lovely but the only thing was he didn’t really ask me many questions… it was more me asking him things. I did obviously mention stuff about me but for example, he told me about his family (quite large) & then after he never said “so what about your family”…I had to just start talking about mine.
as the time went on he did ask a couple of questions about things we spoke about but not many. I’m not sure if it was a nerves/awkward first meet type thing but it’s just not something I’m used to. I have quite an interesting job (on the surface) so usually get asked lots of questions around that by new people & he didn’t really ask anything despite me asking a lot of his job…
Don’t really know what to make of it really. Would this be a red flag for people? Or would you be open to potentially giving it another meet & see how it went?
i go on holiday next week for 2 weeks so won’t be able to see him again immediately (if he even suggests to meet again) so I guess I have time to think really

This is something I’ve noticed a lot recently. I’ve been on dates with 4 people this year (some more than others) and out of them I would say only one showed genuine interest and asked me about my life - and these are the dates I enjoyed the most - because inherently, we like talking about ourselves!
2 of the guys I distinctly made an effort on our second/third dates to not just pepper them with questions about them (my go to on first dates if all else fails, ask them about themselves) and even then they still didn’t step up. I also, like you, noticed they wouldn’t even ask the basic “and what about you” in response to my questions. I ended up knowing everything about their families, jobs, interests etc and they probably couldn’t even tell you what I did for a living.

These are the ones that were then super keen to meet up again and carry on! Yes I bet you are darling, you’ve just talked about yourself and had an ego trip for the last 3 hours!

It’s disheartening isn’t it. For you, I would meet him again and see if he steps up when you purposefully don’t lead the conversation with facts about him. It’s hard because for me, I want the conversation to flow, but I’m not here to just give you an ego boost!

 

[candyland_]

Morning ladies, it's a new week and the sun is shining this morning I hope we all have a better happier week

I've had 3 days of silence from Mr Saturday date and it possibly may continue. He may also pop up today with his excuses but we shall see. The saga rumbles on ...

I wouldn’t give him the chance to pop up. Why isn’t he unmatched or blocked?

We’ve got to stop giving these men a way back in. So many times we say ‘I’m done’ and then update that we’ve replied to these idiots or that’s it’s still dragging on.

 

[Agent Cooper]

@Losa53 and @Carapop Block block block and run! Both of these guys sound horrible, I can hardly believe it! You deserve so much better. Really, why men…

 

[prinnygrace]

Well I've got myself into a right little pickle. 3 years ago I matched someone on Tinder and we spoke a lotttt. He always used to say he was scared of commitment due to previous experiences and so I never pressured anything just enjoyed talking to him but eventually had to pull back a bit because I knew we were never going to meet in person and the more we spoke the more I liked him and although he used to say he liked me, I knew it was never going anywhere. We used to have so many of those deep 1am chats and generally just told each other absolutely everything. Then he ended up dating someone from work, pretty much right after telling me that he was scared of commitment. He messaged me to tell me and apologised for how shit it looked considering what he had told me about being scared of a relationship. I was really hurt by it but it was what he was... I was happy if he was happy.
I also ended up meeting someone so him and I didn't speak much, respecting each others relationships.. just the odd reply to an insta story checking in on each other and what not. it was nice and we were still good friends. I went through some rough life stuff and found that it was him I was wanting to speak to about it (like we used to in all the deep chats we had) rather than my boyfriend so I decided to end things with him. About 6 months later he messaged me asking for some advice because he was struggling with some things with his girlfriend and wanted my opinion (turns out she was cheating.. he'd noticed a load of and wanted to know if he was just being silly).
So, about 3 months ago we both found ourselves single. At this time, I had accepted a new job offer and knew I was due to move 2.5 hours away (now in 2 weeks time!!). We instantly fell back into old ways, chatting all the time both about absolute rubbish and deep chats, many of them being about 'what if' he had given it a chance 3 years ago... bearing in mind at this point we still hadn't met (my best friend calls him my penpal hahaha).
Last week he asked if we could meet, not wanting me to move and us just to have spent 3 years talking and being there for each other through a looooot and then that be that. We went out for some food and it was literally like we had known each other in person all that time. We've now seen each other 4 times since, and ended up sleeping together. It's very obvious we both really, really like each other but we both know we only have 2 weeks of it before I move away.
I don't regret getting involved with him after 3 years at all, but even more than ever I'm sat like well what if this had been 3 years ago, where would we be now It's going to end up being a hard goodbye in a couple of weeks and it's just so typical of my dating life that something feels really really right but can't happen.
SORRY for the rant i just needed to get it off my chest hahaa.

 

[square_spoon]

Ladies, anyone want to share awful bedroom experiences whilst dating?
I’ll go first, he lasted about 1 minute

The day I found out micro-penises are real and another guy who would hump my inner thigh because he didn’t know when he was in or out 🥹

 

[Sandor]

I’m going for a drink with someone in an hour

I need to bookend everything and honestly this guy has been sweet so far. Right level of geekiness, interesting work, common interests and morals, and has been flirty but not sexual. I honestly need to bookend everything else.I know it’s stupid but I know if I do something about closing that chapter, there’s no going back for me.

 

[BunnyLebowski]

So Tennis boy was absolutely lovely. Kind, interesting, attentive and great in bed….very generous lover iykwim!

I don’t feel the same animAlistic attraction that I did for D, but he turned out to be an abusive cunt. So maybe I need to learn how to give a good guy a go for once. I’m seeing him again on Wednesday.

Hope you guys are well and happy

 

[square_spoon]

Isn’t it funny how we always say we’d want to know if our partner was cheating or playing away, but then say we wouldn’t tell another woman if we knew hers was? The paradox of womanhood The ex I mentioned before has tried to get back with me multiple times whilst with the new woman, and it’s never crossed my mind to tell her. I can’t explain why!

Excited for some good weather and pub lunches and meeting men in the flesh rather than through the screen. Here’s to a summer of love

 

[Bagpuss7]

Fair enough! I will see what he wants because I’m plain curious, but I have no desire to entertain him. He never really crossed the line and seems like a nice guy all in all, but I’m too busy for fruitless conversations.

Something makes me think he is going to be on Tinder for a long time with questions like this. Hope you are not too upset, just block him and move on x

What on bloody earth…

I'm not upset I'm just exasperated with how ridiculous these men are ..

His response .....You know what that is a brilliant answer and makes my thing look stupid. Jow I wish I hadn't asked. But hey I thank you making me feel a fool. Genuinely I mean that thanks.
Prize plum

My reply before I block him...


I wonder if women send men the same question asking them about their d**k size and then eliminate all the below average ones making those men feel absolutely crap about themselves?!

 

[Clickbait]

I took advice and told him I had plans tonight. He just sent me his location and he is 1km away with some chocolate for me. He is being very cute about it all and I am now quite sad that he’s confirmed all my suspicions and now I can’t meet him because he’s clearly batshit.

Oh lord, that is a classic narc move. Big build up, grand gesture, acts like the milk tray man. No doubt he’ll try and make you feel guilty that you won’t see him despite the fact you told him you had plans, and he only had to wait until tomorrow.

This guy clearly can’t keep a lid on his crazy. If you do decide to meet him please be careful - public place, lots of people around, someone knows where you are and gives you a ring to check you’re ok during the date, you let them know you’re home safe and sound afterwards x

 

[MsCurly]

There's also the possibility that it's him that has gone into her account and blocked you and not her ! More often than not these women are innocent parties too and imo don't deserve to have their worlds torn apart by some random woman who has been on the scene just chatting for a week or two. These men usually come unstuck in the end. I'm not one for causing others pain just because I'm hurting and to me it's very very relevant if there are children in the picture, what right do I have to destroy their world after a few text messages with their father ? Do I agree these men are pieces of shit ? Absolutely!

I don't think the reasons for telling the wife or gf ever comes from a place of sisterhood tbh, I think it's more from hurt and spite towards the man but that's just my opinion

I think it's important to keep in mind that you're not the one destroying someone's world by telling a woman her partner is shady. That is his doing, he is the one that betrayed his partner after all.

When I had to deal with it, I took the option in between: I told the guy I was seeing that I knew he was in a relationship and that he should tell his girlfriend. I also told him that I would not go out of my way to tell her, but if she ever contacted me, I wouldn't deny anything. He ended up telling her, and she reached out to me. It was painful for us both, but we helped each other through it and even became friends after it all ended.

Whether you tell a someone that their partner is cheating is a really personal decision to make. For me personally it depends on a number of circumstances (how well do I know him, how long have I been seeing him, are they dating or married etc), but I do believe women have a right to know. If my partner was cheating on me, I would want to know. It might be painful at first and it might destroy someone's world for a bit, but these women deserve happiness and a worthy partner. Not some gross cheater. So in the end, they deserve to be able to make an informed decision I think.

 

[Carapop]

 

[Carapop]

Yea I wasn't gonna message him but my mate said see how he his as surely he kidding about I'm not allowed to message him till next week.
I just couldn't see him talking to other women like this.
He quite posh and well together like suited and booted and I'm more gym wear converse girl even though I have a career and a professional he makes me feel like I'm below him

He can’t make you feel like that if you don’t allow him. Suited and booted is just smoke and mirrors. It’s the inside that counts, someone’s character and integrity. He is treating you like you’re not worth his time, how very dare he. Block and delete now. When he comes crawling back he’ll learn that his dire disrespectful behaviour isn’t rewarded with your attention. If you don’t respect you , no one will. Don’t chase any man. You’ll exhaust yourself snd they’ll allow it. Tomorrow is a brand new week and fresh start. Block and delete and remove temptation. I’m always so tempted by the unavailable too! X

 

[Kimmylookatme]

I think men are nurtured to be more selfish than us because they don't have the notion of caring about everyone else's feelings before their own shoved down their throats from birth in the same way women do. Stupid and a mindset which they need to get out of.
Its always the women on here speaking about giving chances and feeling bad for doing something, and I really think most men just don't have that same level of care or conscience, even the good ones

yes this x100000!
we take on so much more of the emotional load whether we are parents are not. I know theres Arguably a choice for us not to take it on but most of us are too emotionally in tune and caring to be able to let it slide completely. How many times is it the woman who sends the mans family members birthday cards? How many times is it the woman who makes sure the day to day stuff like lunchboxes and reading records are done? When I think of my bf, and he is a good one, there’s still such a big element of only really having to think about himself and I can’t imagine that way of being… in the last week alone I’ve had a variety of men’s emotional shit dumped on me whether it’s been the father of my children, an ex who popped back up after a year, a random colleague… but they don’t Often do it back

 

[IGiveUp22]

I went into my town today to go shopping and out of all the people I should bump into I had to see the guy I was dating & the new girl he quickly got together with after luckily I looked quite nice haha but still. WHY?! I suppose it was inevitable that it would happen at some point but it’s just made me feel a bit down again
he saw me, said something like “oh shit” & turned away towards her & said something, presume it was along the lines of that’s who I was seeing before you & she said “is it” & started laughing … I said very loudly as I walked past “fucking disgusting” I thought I’d regret it but I don’t. I feel like I’ve been extremely dignified throughout it all, never sent any paragraphs or stuff when I find out he’d moved on so quick. Was just not nice seeing it in the flesh as much as I don’t even want to go anywhere near him ever again it’s still just rubbish how it all happened & how it’s left me questioning my self-worth Just hope karma comes around for them soon enough
hope everyone is having a lovely bank holiday xx

 

[Sandor]

Oh god! That’s like the one that ask me if ‘are you bare or bushy because I likes to know how you keep yourself’

also, do men not know that bra size is going to look very different depending on the actual size you are and frame you have?

 

[MsCurly]

Teach her to have insanely high standards.
Mine is 13 this summer and I’m half impressed half horrified at how brutal she is when it comes to teenage boys

I WISH I had the audacity of my goddaughter. She recently broke up with a boy (both 14) because she said he had a funny smell. She literally said: "You smell like cheese. I do not want a boyfriend who smells like cheese. I want to break up, cheese boy."