Dating after lockdown #21 More red flags than Pamplona, we don’t wanna know about your boner.

[Sandor]

He was so lovely. So easy to talk to, open, self aware. I really liked him. He gave good man rather than nice guy vibes.

Felt absolutely nothing when he kissed me other than I don’t think I want to keep kissing you.

I know I’ve been spoilt over the last few months with a sexual connection that worked.

I know I’m still healing.

But grrr, the disconnect is annoying! on paper it should work. On paper my ex and I shouldn’t. But I don’t think it’s anything to do with the ex. It’s just something you know or don’t know.

but at least I did it. And at least I know there are normal people out there to date.

 

[BunnyLebowski]

He was so lovely. So easy to talk to, open, self aware. I really liked him. He gave good man rather than nice guy vibes.

Felt absolutely nothing when he kissed me other than I don’t think I want to keep kissing you.

I know I’ve been spoilt over the last few months with a sexual connection that worked.

I know I’m still healing.

But grrr, the disconnect is annoying! on paper it should work. On paper my ex and I shouldn’t. But I don’t think it’s anything to do with the ex. It’s just something you know or don’t know.

but at least I did it. And at least I know there are normal people out there to date.

Good girl. You are respecting your own boundaries and that is something to be mega proud of. You don’t need to settle for someone you don’t have chemistry with so jolly well good for you. The right bloke will come along at the right time.

I don’t know you and I don’t mean this to be patronising , but I’m really proud of you. Good update! Night gang xx

 

[Fledgling Psycho]

@Sandor I've only ever had a sexual connection that worked once in my life. He was completely & utterly the wrong person for me yet the yearning for that connection never really leaves me. It was the first time I had ever comprehended what love and desire could feel like. Since then other men leave me stone cold.
It is good to hear of so many suddenly meeting decent guys though. If there's a spark too then it's promising.

 

[Sandor]

@Fledgling Psycho I think I’m going to be in that yearning stage for a while. It’s a very different connection isn’t it?

I’m realistic about it all and I feel comfortable dating. But I don’t think it’s going to be with this guy. He wants to meet again today, he’s asked if I’m going to delete the apps. I’m sat here thinking I just want to go on holiday on my own. I already have plans anyway but why is it always extremes? Emotional dysfunction at two ends of the spectrum.

Anyone heard of or believe in the theory of the three loves? If it’s true, I’ve had mine. I’m sat here crying thinking maybe that’s enough. I’ve been really lucky.

 

[Thank(space)you]

@Fledgling Psycho I think I’m going to be in that yearning stage for a while. It’s a very different connection isn’t it?

I’m realistic about it all and I feel comfortable dating. But I don’t think it’s going to be with this guy. He wants to meet again today, he’s asked if I’m going to delete the apps. I’m sat here thinking I just want to go on holiday on my own. I already have plans anyway but why is it always extremes? Emotional dysfunction at two ends of the spectrum.

Anyone heard of or believe in the theory of the three loves? If it’s true, I’ve had mine. I’m sat here crying thinking maybe that’s enough. I’ve been really lucky.

I don't believe there's a limit on love

 

[Fledgling Psycho]

@Sandor Asking if your going to delete the apps is a bit weird at this early stage.

If the 3 loves theory is real then I have 2 to go. Yay!

 

[LaBlonde]

@Fledgling Psycho I think I’m going to be in that yearning stage for a while. It’s a very different connection isn’t it?

I’m realistic about it all and I feel comfortable dating. But I don’t think it’s going to be with this guy. He wants to meet again today, he’s asked if I’m going to delete the apps. I’m sat here thinking I just want to go on holiday on my own. I already have plans anyway but why is it always extremes? Emotional dysfunction at two ends of the spectrum.

Anyone heard of or believe in the theory of the three loves? If it’s true, I’ve had mine. I’m sat here crying thinking maybe that’s enough. I’ve been really lucky.

you’ve only met once and he’s already asking if you’re going to delete the apps?!?! oh no no no

i agree that there’s no real limit on love, or also no guarantee that you’ll even have three. i’ve had none so they’d better get a move on if that’s the case honestly, go on holiday on your own if that’s what you want to do. you should do what would make YOU happy, you’ve been through a ridiculously hard time and a nice break can only be a good thing.

 

[Fledgling Psycho]

@Sandor And going on holiday on your own sounds very therapeutic.

 

[square_spoon]

A powerful sexual connection with someone who is wrong on many other levels has been the ruin of us all at one time or another! We have to keep going and believe the right balance of both is out there

 

[Sandor]

It is a red flag isn’t it?! Like, I’ve had times where I’ve hidden my card straightaway because I’ve clicked with someone but that’s also left matches intact etc. but to delete? Was not expecting to wake up to that!

@square_spoon I always say I want a feminist that will slap my ass every now and again when I walk past! I know they exist, my ex husband was one

did everyone have a good long weekend?

 

[Agent Cooper]

Mr. German Guy just wants to know how I am. Do you think I will come across as petty if I reply ‘What made you think of me all of the sudden’? I was never the one to hint at anything romantic going as we met through his uni (he was an exchange student here).

It is a red flag isn’t it?!

Not a huge one, but deffo a red flag.

@Fledgling Psycho I think I’m going to be in that yearning stage for a while. It’s a very different connection isn’t it?

I’m realistic about it all and I feel comfortable dating. But I don’t think it’s going to be with this guy. He wants to meet again today, he’s asked if I’m going to delete the apps. I’m sat here thinking I just want to go on holiday on my own. I already have plans anyway but why is it always extremes? Emotional dysfunction at two ends of the spectrum.

Anyone heard of or believe in the theory of the three loves? If it’s true, I’ve had mine. I’m sat here crying thinking maybe that’s enough. I’ve been really lucky.

It sounds like he is putting quite a lot of pressure on you. I’d suggest taking a step back and taking a break. Going on a holiday by your own sounds like a perfect way to relax and unload your mind. Focus on yourself and your feelings, not this guy!

And I don’t think this theory holds water TBH. I am not sure about ‘true love’ but I’ve been in love like a million times and I know I will fall for many more people in the future. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t, that’s just life.

 

[boomska]

I said I wouldn’t post in this forum but I need to help and need to talk to people in similar situations and just moan basically.

but I went on this date with this lad in February. And saw him again in March and that’s where he basically insinuated that he wasn’t looking for a relationship (which we all know that He isn’t looking for a relationship with me) But we said we would be friends. Well, hingsight that was bullshit. We didn’t talk for a bit then he messaged me and started flirting. Well I got caught up in and started flirting Back.
I then I tried to see him but here came the excuses- “I’m in a weird mood atm” “my grandads are in, my sister is in hospital” and that’s serious so you don’t want to call him a liar…but anyway. I basically started feeling like something was off and he finally came clean tonight that he was seeing someone.
And I honestly feel like such a MUG!!!! Because I give people benefit of the doubt and I get shitted on and in some way, I feel like I ask for it aswell. I don’t want to become guarded or cycnial, but Then in the past,I have done that and become too guarded/cycnical and just not me.

but I guess my moan is that I’m sick of attracting these losers, and being taken for a mug and being the one before The One and just overall, feeling hopeless and that I’m forever going to get it wrong, forever single and I’m 32 this year- never been in a relationship, never been in love (the happy way!). And I’ve put the work with my behaviour, toxic behaviour and being attached to unavailable men.

but I’ll be honest- I just want to be loved and in love. Is that too much to ask for?

I’m ranting now but thanks for listening.

 

[Sprottish]

I said I wouldn’t post in this forum but I need to help and need to talk to people in similar situations and just moan basically.

but I went on this date with this lad in February. And saw him again in March and that’s where he basically insinuated that he wasn’t looking for a relationship (which we all know that He isn’t looking for a relationship with me) But we said we would be friends. Well, hingsight that was bullshit. We didn’t talk for a bit then he messaged me and started flirting. Well I got caught up in and started flirting Back.
I then I tried to see him but here came the excuses- “I’m in a weird mood atm” “my grandads are in, my sister is in hospital” and that’s serious so you don’t want to call him a liar…but anyway. I basically started feeling like something was off and he finally came clean tonight that he was seeing someone.
And I honestly feel like such a MUG!!!! Because I give people benefit of the doubt and I get shitted on and in some way, I feel like I ask for it aswell. I don’t want to become guarded or cycnial, but Then in the past,I have done that and become too guarded/cycnical and just not me.

but I guess my moan is that I’m sick of attracting these losers, and being taken for a mug and being the one before The One and just overall, feeling hopeless and that I’m forever going to get it wrong, forever single and I’m 32 this year- never been in a relationship, never been in love (the happy way!). And I’ve put the work with my behaviour, toxic behaviour and being attached to unavailable men.

but I’ll be honest- I just want to be loved and in love. Is that too much to ask for?

I’m ranting now but thanks for listening.

Please post away! I’m a firm believer that the more stories, woes, happy endings, heartache and tragedies we experience on here, the more we are wise to the world and get through them.

I’m sorry this guy did that to you. We all know it’s much easier said than done to walk away when we are attracted to and attached to someone. Be thankful that you are a good and honest person (cliche I know) but honestly, are these people who f**k us around ever going to be truly happy? You certainly don’t ask for it I’m sure, unless you enable this behaviour which you clearly don’t as you put an end to it right away when he ‘fessed up. Think of it as a lucky escape. It could have dragged out for years and taken up more of your life!

I’m also 32 and I do feel your pain however, (and I always say this so apologies) we really do have SO much time, imagine you meet someone when you’re 40. Here’s hoping we live a long life until we’re 85. That’s still FORTY FIVE years with someone. Please don’t let societal pressures convince you you’ve got to be settled down by your 30s. How many people do you know in their 50s on their second husband/wife? Both my parents remarried in their 50s. Lots of my friends parents the same. In some ways, I think it’s a bit of a trap meeting someone young (or am I just bitter, who knows? )

Trust me, I’ve been heartbroken a few times in my life and I’m the only one of my friends who’s not in a long term relationship, but I really do think I’d rather look back on my life and think about all the people I got to meet, get to know, fall in love with (or yes be heartbroken….).

How do you feel about the dating apps?

Lots of love to you, I can guarantee we have all felt this way

 

[candyland_]

This is why we never give people more than one chance. The responsibility is on us to ignore/remove/block them and not let them do it to us. I’m sorry if this sounds harsh.. I don’t mean it to but how many times do we read of men popping in and out of womens lives on this thread? When does it ever end well? It doesn’t. When men aren’t putting 100% effort it or being evasive we need to stop talking to them on the spot.
I hope you are feeling OK and can start to move past him.

I said I wouldn’t post in this forum but I need to help and need to talk to people in similar situations and just moan basically.

but I went on this date with this lad in February. And saw him again in March and that’s where he basically insinuated that he wasn’t looking for a relationship (which we all know that He isn’t looking for a relationship with me) But we said we would be friends. Well, hingsight that was bullshit. We didn’t talk for a bit then he messaged me and started flirting. Well I got caught up in and started flirting Back.
I then I tried to see him but here came the excuses- “I’m in a weird mood atm” “my grandads are in, my sister is in hospital” and that’s serious so you don’t want to call him a liar…but anyway. I basically started feeling like something was off and he finally came clean tonight that he was seeing someone.
And I honestly feel like such a MUG!!!! Because I give people benefit of the doubt and I get shitted on and in some way, I feel like I ask for it aswell. I don’t want to become guarded or cycnial, but Then in the past,I have done that and become too guarded/cycnical and just not me.

but I guess my moan is that I’m sick of attracting these losers, and being taken for a mug and being the one before The One and just overall, feeling hopeless and that I’m forever going to get it wrong, forever single and I’m 32 this year- never been in a relationship, never been in love (the happy way!). And I’ve put the work with my behaviour, toxic behaviour and being attached to unavailable men.

but I’ll be honest- I just want to be loved and in love. Is that too much to ask for?

I’m ranting now but thanks for listening.

 

[BunnyLebowski]

I said I wouldn’t post in this forum but I need to help and need to talk to people in similar situations and just moan basically.

but I went on this date with this lad in February. And saw him again in March and that’s where he basically insinuated that he wasn’t looking for a relationship (which we all know that He isn’t looking for a relationship with me) But we said we would be friends. Well, hingsight that was bullshit. We didn’t talk for a bit then he messaged me and started flirting. Well I got caught up in and started flirting Back.
I then I tried to see him but here came the excuses- “I’m in a weird mood atm” “my grandads are in, my sister is in hospital” and that’s serious so you don’t want to call him a liar…but anyway. I basically started feeling like something was off and he finally came clean tonight that he was seeing someone.
And I honestly feel like such a MUG!!!! Because I give people benefit of the doubt and I get shitted on and in some way, I feel like I ask for it aswell. I don’t want to become guarded or cycnial, but Then in the past,I have done that and become too guarded/cycnical and just not me.

but I guess my moan is that I’m sick of attracting these losers, and being taken for a mug and being the one before The One and just overall, feeling hopeless and that I’m forever going to get it wrong, forever single and I’m 32 this year- never been in a relationship, never been in love (the happy way!). And I’ve put the work with my behaviour, toxic behaviour and being attached to unavailable men.

but I’ll be honest- I just want to be loved and in love. Is that too much to ask for?

I’m ranting now but thanks for listening.

Oh Boom….sending so much love to you. No advice from the duck up that is me. But sending you

@Sandor are you going on holiday alone? I’ve done it loads. It can be lonely but ultimately rewarding and I’m so glad I’ve done it…and will probably continue to do it

 

[Agent Cooper]

I said I wouldn’t post in this forum but I need to help and need to talk to people in similar situations and just moan basically.

but I went on this date with this lad in February. And saw him again in March and that’s where he basically insinuated that he wasn’t looking for a relationship (which we all know that He isn’t looking for a relationship with me) But we said we would be friends. Well, hingsight that was bullshit. We didn’t talk for a bit then he messaged me and started flirting. Well I got caught up in and started flirting Back.
I then I tried to see him but here came the excuses- “I’m in a weird mood atm” “my grandads are in, my sister is in hospital” and that’s serious so you don’t want to call him a liar…but anyway. I basically started feeling like something was off and he finally came clean tonight that he was seeing someone.
And I honestly feel like such a MUG!!!! Because I give people benefit of the doubt and I get shitted on and in some way, I feel like I ask for it aswell. I don’t want to become guarded or cycnial, but Then in the past,I have done that and become too guarded/cycnical and just not me.

but I guess my moan is that I’m sick of attracting these losers, and being taken for a mug and being the one before The One and just overall, feeling hopeless and that I’m forever going to get it wrong, forever single and I’m 32 this year- never been in a relationship, never been in love (the happy way!). And I’ve put the work with my behaviour, toxic behaviour and being attached to unavailable men.

but I’ll be honest- I just want to be loved and in love. Is that too much to ask for?

I’m ranting now but thanks for listening.

Sending so much love to you Boomska! 🤍 Your frustration is very understandable, the way he treated you in unacceptable. You seem like a very kind person, maybe you are just too kind to men who don’t deserve it. Don’t be hard on yourself, always put yourself first and don’t be afraid to say no if something or someone makes you uncomfortable.

32 is so young, you have plenty of time ahead of you. Good luck!

 

[Fledgling Psycho]

@boomska I think virtually every one on this thread has experienced this horrible feeling of having been used, blaming ourselves for being stupid enough to let it happen and that somehow we just weren't good enough to he treated with respect. All those excuses about why they let you down, ghosted, blocked etc have caused us weary ear syndrome.
So many grannies, aunties, sick relatives and in my case a funeral which fell on the day we were due to meet followed by me being blocked despite him doing all the contacting.
I also think it's easy to get kind of addicted to the messaging & excuse making on our parts.
I have no advice just hugs and hopefully in time a raise for your self esteem like we are all aiming for on this thread. Take care of your heart

 

[boomska]

Sending so much love to you Boomska! 🤍 Your frustration is very understandable, the way he treated you in unacceptable. You seem like a very kind person, maybe you are just too kind to men who don’t deserve it. Don’t be hard on yourself, always put yourself first and don’t be afraid to say no if something or someone makes you uncomfortable.

32 is so young, you have plenty of time ahead of you. Good luck!

Thank you I met with a friend tonight (who I also work with) while walking with her dog and she saw first hand how kind I can be and take everyone at face value. But she knows I’m the complete opposite at work. So I need to be more like that. You’ve raised some very good points that I need to work on.
Thank you once again

@boomska I think virtually every one on this thread has experienced this horrible feeling of having been used, blaming ourselves for being stupid enough to let it happen and that somehow we just weren't good enough to he treated with respect. All those excuses about why they let you down, ghosted, blocked etc have caused us weary ear syndrome.
So many grannies, aunties, sick relatives and in my case a funeral which fell on the day we were due to meet followed by me being blocked despite him doing all the contacting.
I also think it's easy to get kind of addicted to the messaging & excuse making on our parts.
I have no advice just hugs and hopefully in time a raise for your self esteem like we are all aiming for on this thread. Take care of your heart

True! I used to post a bit on this thread but took a break but still stalked it aha and it is very refreshing to see everyone in the same boat! Yeah exactly and I take everyone at face value so when I hear excuses at times I want to see then, I question it! Thank you, I’m going to work on some of the points you’ve raised Xx

Oh Boom….sending so much love to you. No advice from the duck up that is me. But sending you

@Sandor are you going on holiday alone? I’ve done it loads. It can be lonely but ultimately rewarding and I’m so glad I’ve done it…and will probably continue to do it

Thank you Bunny!! I hope you’re okay. I love your posts and your honesty! Xx

This is why we never give people more than one chance. The responsibility is on us to ignore/remove/block them and not let them do it to us. I’m sorry if this sounds harsh.. I don’t mean it to but how many times do we read of men popping in and out of womens lives on this thread? When does it ever end well? It doesn’t. When men aren’t putting 100% effort it or being evasive we need to stop talking to them on the spot.
I hope you are feeling OK and can start to move past him.

Thank you. I’m feeling better. He has messaged after my outburst and said “he’s only started speaking to her this week” but I left him on read, I have nothing new to add and I don’t want to speak to him atm because you’re right- the responsibility is on me! You’re not best harsh, it’s very true

 

[square_spoon]

I think we do all have some control over this kind of thing but what I would say is the only mug is him. What a big man he is lying to you (either actively or by omission) and letting you believe that maybe he’s a good guy. What a champion he is - really. Imagine being that guy who treats someone like that. What a prize! Take it as the lesson it is to perhaps be more cautious or to draw firmer boundaries for yourself - but don’t be too mad at yourself for this. Be mad about the boundaries but not for taking someone at face value who turned out to be a bit of a shithead.

 

[boomska]

Please post away! I’m a firm believer that the more stories, woes, happy endings, heartache and tragedies we experience on here, the more we are wise to the world and get through them.

I’m sorry this guy did that to you. We all know it’s much easier said than done to walk away when we are attracted to and attached to someone. Be thankful that you are a good and honest person (cliche I know) but honestly, are these people who f**k us around ever going to be truly happy? You certainly don’t ask for it I’m sure, unless you enable this behaviour which you clearly don’t as you put an end to it right away when he ‘fessed up. Think of it as a lucky escape. It could have dragged out for years and taken up more of your life!

I’m also 32 and I do feel your pain however, (and I always say this so apologies) we really do have SO much time, imagine you meet someone when you’re 40. Here’s hoping we live a long life until we’re 85. That’s still FORTY FIVE years with someone. Please don’t let societal pressures convince you you’ve got to be settled down by your 30s. How many people do you know in their 50s on their second husband/wife? Both my parents remarried in their 50s. Lots of my friends parents the same. In some ways, I think it’s a bit of a trap meeting someone young (or am I just bitter, who knows? )

Trust me, I’ve been heartbroken a few times in my life and I’m the only one of my friends who’s not in a long term relationship, but I really do think I’d rather look back on my life and think about all the people I got to meet, get to know, fall in love with (or yes be heartbroken….).

How do you feel about the dating apps?

Lots of love to you, I can guarantee we have all felt this way

Omg honestly you and I have similar views! I always thought it was daft meeting someone young because you should be going out, having fun, finding out who you are without a partner.

And you’re right, 32 is still young!! And I’m the same,I’d rather be old in my rocking chair laughing at all the characters I’d met, the stupid things I used to get upto.

yeah I don’t mind dating apps actually! They get a bad rap and I can see why, but there are some decent guys on there- just got to wade through all the tit ones first!

thank you once again

I think we do all have some control over this kind of thing but what I would say is the only mug is him. What a big man he is lying to you (either actively or by omission) and letting you believe that maybe he’s a good guy. What a champion he is - really. Imagine being that guy who treats someone like that. What a prize! Take it as the lesson it is to perhaps be more cautious or to draw firmer boundaries for yourself - but don’t be too mad at yourself for this. Be mad about the boundaries but not for taking someone at face value who turned out to be a bit of a shithead.

Thank you, I won’t be too mad at myself. He says he’s only started speaking to her this week- yeah sure Jan.
This is another Learning curve and I’m back on the self-love train, so I can heal and grow from this xx