Dating after lockdown #21 More red flags than Pamplona, we don’t wanna know about your boner.

[Bellaboonew12]

I think it’s so important that we learn to leave after the first red flag or suspicion because we sometimes ignore them for weeks or even months and it never ends well. We could save ourselves alot of wasted time by listening to our intuition from the start.

We are all guilty of calling men time wasters but most of the time we see the problems blazing in our face but still drag it out.

I have a story that backs this up. I met someone 12 years ago. There were red flags galore, he couldn't communicate face to face about anything important at all, and he would only 'argue' by text, after arguments nothing would be resolved just brushed under the carpet, he was stubborn to the point I always had to back down or he would threaten to end the relationship, he told me he never wanted marriage (it was very important to me), I saw these all as red flags but he was so intense and passionate when things were good I fell hard for him. I saw all these fags within 3 months of meeting him. I ignored it all and then moved in with him, fell pregnant soon after.

Moral of the story is I've spent 12 years trapped in the same cycle, going round and round and it's just ended for good, in heart break and trauma bond.

Obviously I've got my girl so I could never regret it, but the lesson I have learnt is to never ignore red flags early on. They will likely become bigger and harder to ignore as time goes on. I think there is a meme somewhere that says never ignore the red flags in the beginning because they will be the reason it ends.

It's been a hard lesson for me to learn but I won't make the same mistake again

 

[al255]

I have a story that backs this up. I met someone 12 years ago. There were red flags galore, he couldn't communicate face to face about anything important at all, and he would only 'argue' by text, after arguments nothing would be resolved just brushed under the carpet, he was stubborn to the point I always had to back down or he would threaten to end the relationship, he told me he never wanted marriage (it was very important to me), I saw these all as red flags but he was so intense and passionate when things were good I fell hard for him. I saw all these fags within 3 months of meeting him. I ignored it all and then moved in with him, fell pregnant soon after.

Moral of the story is I've spent 12 years trapped in the same cycle, going round and round and it's just ended for good, in heart break and trauma bond.

Obviously I've got my girl so I could never regret it, but the lesson I have learnt is to never ignore red flags early on. They will likely become bigger and harder to ignore as time goes on. I think there is a meme somewhere that says never ignore the red flags in the beginning because they will be the reason it ends.

It's been a hard lesson for me to learn but I won't make the same mistake again

I’m glad you’ve learnt a lesson from that, and I agree with you both. Why do we stay with men that give us red flags, or don’t share what we want in life. Is the hope they’ll suddenly wake up one day feel the same as us, or is it because we’ve finally got someone and would give up what we want for them just so we aren’t single? - just to end up single anyway and wondering why we didn’t leave earlier!?

 

[Belle123]

It’s stuff like that what puts me off dating apps. It’s too easy for them to be so effortless! It’s like a quick buzz for them to see they’ve got a match and someone’s messaging them. They don’t take it seriously. Promised myself I’d stay off the apps, but I don’t see how it’s possible to meet someone when I barely leave my house or small town. I mean how did people do it before the apps lol

Yes, there’s some serious time wasters out there. There’s plenty of bored men out there, wanting the quick thrill of the chase, with no intention of taking us seriously. As @candyland_ said, we shouldn’t ignore red flags early on. There’s so many guys I’ve just stopped talking to or cancelled meeting up with because they present me with red flags that tell me to get the heck out of there! I don’t have much of a choice besides apps either, based on where I live - zero options! I’ve met some great guys through the apps, but none of it has equated to a relationship beyond a few months. They seem to be a magnet for the emotionally unavailable and damaged sorts. I still have hope of meeting a handsome stranger in the supermarket or coffee shop

 

[Bellaboonew12]

I’m glad you’ve learnt a lesson from that, and I agree with you both. Why do we stay with men that give us red flags, or don’t share what we want in life. Is the hope they’ll suddenly wake up one day feel the same as us, or is it because we’ve finally got someone and would give up what we want for them just so we aren’t single? - just to end up single anyway and wondering why we didn’t leave earlier!?

For me it was lack of self esteem combined with the passion and connection I felt with him... Such a dangerous combination!

I truly thought if I loved him enough he would change, haha people always show you who they are in the beginning...

 

[grumpy_curry]

For me it was lack of self esteem combined with the passion and connection I felt with him... Such a dangerous combination!

I truly thought if I loved him enough he would change, haha people always show you who they are in the beginning...

Agree with the "if I love him enough he will change".

Went through that time and time again, and to be honest it's not fair to them either. My last relationship wasn't bad per se but he was uttery boring and as phlegmatic as they come. But who am I to decide that this needs changing? He was happy doing nothing. Or maybe he wasn't, I will never know as he never talked about his feelings. But this is what he chose and I didn't respect that.

Maybe it makes it easier to deal with red flags too. There is no changing an other person. They have every "right" to behave the way they want and we have every right to walk away.

Maybe that is what Maya Angelou meant when she said to believe a person when they show you who they are. Take their actions at face value. Don't ascribe motivations to them. If he doesn't call you, he doesn't call you. It doesn't do any good to think of his motivations for it, because I (and I think a lot of women) tend to make excuses.

Doesn't mean not being graceful once or twice. But continuous disrespect should be seen as such.

 

[Clickbait]

There is an issue with the narrative that women are fed and believe about what constitutes an exciting, passionate relationship. Bad boys are fun and interesting, nice guys are dependable, boring and choosing them is settling for a dull existence.

We’re told that excitement is not being sure where we stand, that men who make plans are dull: spontaneous men who appear out of nowhere are the ones who sweep you off your feet. Butterflies come from the uncertainty and treat ‘em mean, keep ‘em keen is a tactic we should somehow admire.

Many films show the holy grail being a woman who managed to convince the bad boy into changing his ways, or who changes herself so she fits in with his lifestyle and approach.

 

[jnh24]

There is an issue with the narrative that women are fed and believe about what constitutes an exciting, passionate relationship. Bad boys are fun and interesting, nice guys are dependable, boring and choosing them is settling for a dull existence.

We’re told that excitement is not being sure where we stand, that men who make plans are dull: spontaneous men who appear out of nowhere are the ones who sweep you off your feet. Butterflies come from the uncertainty and treat ‘em mean, keep ‘em keen is a tactic we should somehow admire.

Many films show the holy grail being a woman who managed to convince the bad boy into changing his ways, or who changes herself so she fits in with his lifestyle and approach.

I needed to read this, this morning. My friends are literally giving me lists now of what I should expect from a man and relationship, but it doesn’t seem real and that’s because I’ve always gone for the ‘bad boy’.

And I would be lying now if I said I didn’t feel emotionally damaged from the past two relationships. All had red flags at the beginning but I thought I could help and change them. Literally never again, I owe that much too myself.

 

[Bagpuss7]

There is an issue with the narrative that women are fed and believe about what constitutes an exciting, passionate relationship. Bad boys are fun and interesting, nice guys are dependable, boring and choosing them is settling for a dull existence.

We’re told that excitement is not being sure where we stand, that men who make plans are dull: spontaneous men who appear out of nowhere are the ones who sweep you off your feet. Butterflies come from the uncertainty and treat ‘em mean, keep ‘em keen is a tactic we should somehow admire.

Many films show the holy grail being a woman who managed to convince the bad boy into changing his ways, or who changes herself so she fits in with his lifestyle and approach.

I don't believe you can love a person into being a better person ...and to try and change someone in my experience means you are on a hiding to nothing because for the most part the person you meet initially is the person they are.

The apps are a necessary evil for me, without them I would be more lonely than I am. I find them incredibly difficult to negotiate at times because there are soo many on there playing games I don't understand the rules of. The recent man is another example of why my trust is waning by the day...I feel like every man I interact with now potentially is going to hurt me.

Radio silence still but I'm sure he will appear at some point with some excuse for his piss poor behaviour...I'm going with the classic " my nan died" but we will see !

 

[Bellaboonew12]

Agree with the "if I love him enough he will change".

Went through that time and time again, and to be honest it's not fair to them either. My last relationship wasn't bad per se but he was uttery boring and as phlegmatic as they come. But who am I to decide that this needs changing? He was happy doing nothing. Or maybe he wasn't, I will never know as he never talked about his feelings. But this is what he chose and I didn't respect that.

Maybe it makes it easier to deal with red flags too. There is no changing an other person. They have every "right" to behave the way they want and we have every right to walk away.

Maybe that is what Maya Angelou meant when she said to believe a person when they show you who they are. Take their actions at face value. Don't ascribe motivations to them. If he doesn't call you, he doesn't call you. It doesn't do any good to think of his motivations for it, because I (and I think a lot of women) tend to make excuses.

Doesn't mean not being graceful once or twice. But continuous disrespect should be seen as such.

You're absolutely right, I needed to hear this, who was I to insist he discuss marriage if he didn't want to and had already told me at the beginning it would never happen, & in the same vain if being emotionally closed off protected him who was I to insist he opened up?

I've literally never looked at it like that, I'm not a selfish person, far from it, I just always thought it was part of the give and take of being in a relationship to change bits of yourself, to compromise for the sake of the relationship but actually it's not like that at all

You must take the person at face value and either choose to accept & love them as they are or decide they are not a good enough fit and walk away.

This has actually been a bit of a Saturday revelation for me haha

 

[boomska]

I needed to read everyone’s thoughts today. I’ve been thinking about my “relationship” with someone and I’m literally repeating old patterns, as if I’ve learnt nothing from the past two heartbreaks!

 

[grumpy_curry]

I needed to read everyone’s thoughts today. I’ve been thinking about my “relationship” with someone and I’m literally repeating old patterns, as if I’ve learnt nothing from the past two heartbreaks!

You're seeing it now, that's good!

You're absolutely right, I needed to hear this, who was I to insist he discuss marriage if he didn't want to and had already told me at the beginning it would never happen, & in the same vain if being emotionally closed off protected him who was I to insist he opened up?

I've literally never looked at it like that, I'm not a selfish person, far from it, I just always thought it was part of the give and take of being in a relationship to change bits of yourself, to compromise for the sake of the relationship but actually it's not like that at all

You must take the person at face value and either choose to accept & love them as they are or decide they are not a good enough fit and walk away.

This has actually been a bit of a Saturday revelation for me haha

I think the issue with this idea of compromise is that is such an overloaded term and I tend to apply it to everything.

There are things you can compromise on - and things being the operating word here.where to live, what to eat, etc. But the core of a person? No. And I need to remind myself of this for me, too. I am who I am. There is no point in compromising myself to stay in a relationship. That point in a relationship where I start compromising on my personality is when I tend to start to lose myself and it is a horrible feeling.

 

[Bellaboonew12]

You're seeing it now, that's good!



I think the issue with this idea of compromise is that is such an overloaded term and I tend to apply it to everything.

There are things you can compromise on - and things being the operating word here.where to live, what to eat, etc. But the core of a person? No. And I need to remind myself of this for me, too. I am who I am. There is no point in compromising myself to stay in a relationship. That point in a relationship where I start compromising on my personality is when I tend to start to lose myself and it is a horrible feeling.

Yes you're absolutely right - honestly you've just made me see the light in my previous relationship and break up.

There was nothing wrong with me, there was nothing wrong with him, we just didn't fit in terms of who we were as people, our goals and our expectations of a relationship, and despite this we tried to make it work by compromising on fundamental values that made us resentful of each other and it caused us to hurt each other hugely in the process.

It still hurts but understanding the above is such a revelation and lesson to go forward with. It has helped me let go of the blame I've put on myself and the anger I've felt towards him.

I really feel like I've made progress today, haha, thank you!

But yes, the ultimate take home is to believe people when they show you who they are and tell you what they want, and walk away if it doesn't fit with what you want and your values - despite how you might feel about them!

 

[square_spoon]

I have a story that backs this up. I met someone 12 years ago. There were red flags galore, he couldn't communicate face to face about anything important at all, and he would only 'argue' by text, after arguments nothing would be resolved just brushed under the carpet, he was stubborn to the point I always had to back down or he would threaten to end the relationship, he told me he never wanted marriage (it was very important to me), I saw these all as red flags but he was so intense and passionate when things were good I fell hard for him. I saw all these fags within 3 months of meeting him. I ignored it all and then moved in with him, fell pregnant soon after.

Moral of the story is I've spent 12 years trapped in the same cycle, going round and round and it's just ended for good, in heart break and trauma bond.

Obviously I've got my girl so I could never regret it, but the lesson I have learnt is to never ignore red flags early on. They will likely become bigger and harder to ignore as time goes on. I think there is a meme somewhere that says never ignore the red flags in the beginning because they will be the reason it ends.

It's been a hard lesson for me to learn but I won't make the same mistake again

A similar ending for me although it only took 4 years and there were no little ones. I don’t think I’ve ever heard of anyone who ignored the red flags and didn’t live to regret it in one way or another.

 

[DollyDiamondxo]

A similar ending for me although it only took 4 years and there were no little ones. I don’t think I’ve ever heard of anyone who ignored the red flags and didn’t live to regret it in one way or another.

There’s a saying ‘what you ignore in the beginning, will be the reason it ends’ and it’s so true! When I was younger I accepted some crap I shouldn’t of. Now I’m older I’d never accept it, I’m the opposite now lol.

 

[Bagpuss7]

The beauty of this thread, apart from making us all feel less alone in this 'battle', means we can share experiences and help each other try to understand the whys, perhaps cause us to rethink how we engage with these men we encounter whilst also providing much needed support and reassurance that we aren't going bonkers / aren't the bonkers one !

 

[Sandor]

I feel for you not getting the clean break. I have encountered some successful workplace relationships over the years, that have turned into happy marriages and families. For me, I have personally never wanted to be the butt of office gossip and have steered away from it. I nearly went out with a colleague years ago, but I backed out. He swiped on me on a dating app last year, but we’ve just stuck to being friends - we’re not a good match romantically after all. Like everything, if you go into it with your eyes open, and make choices you’re comfortable with, that’s what counts.

How are you doing at the moment, do you feel you’re healing from it all slowly but surely? x

I think because I had no control over the work thing either as our higher ups brought his team
in on contract after we’d met, it’s been even worse. It’s not like I knew it was a risk and could have been prepared to walk etc

Rationally, I’m absolutely ok. Life happens, right? But also, the back and forth continued for a while. We’re in a strict no contact phase right now. And I honestly hate it.

It’s funny you all talking about it’s who they show you they are, if I went by actions, no one would doubt that this man loves me. The problem is, he doubts it, and I’ve found some stuff out more recently that has just made me feel absolutely tit about myself because apparently cheats and psychopaths were ‘right’ for him and I’m just not. Hence the very strict no contact. And I know I can’t make him think I am ‘right’, but it’s made it even harder.

In all honesty it’s put me firmly back in a place where I currently just want to find someone clean and attractive to have sex with that I don’t have to get to know. Because I’ve been for a couple of drinks with three different guys lately, and I’ve realised how much that it was very much that he was different. I know that means someone eventually will get through to my emotional core again, but I don’t feel open to that at all right now.

 

[Fledgling Psycho]

@Sandor Clean and attractive to have sex with! Sorry that raised a "pfttt" and a wry smile here.....if only! I couldn't even find FWB. Just cowards, time wasters, blockers & ghosters and I was happy to see someone once a month. I was told by one that it was considered a bit heavy!!

 

[Belle123]

I think because I had no control over the work thing either as our higher ups brought his team
in on contract after we’d met, it’s been even worse. It’s not like I knew it was a risk and could have been prepared to walk etc

Rationally, I’m absolutely ok. Life happens, right? But also, the back and forth continued for a while. We’re in a strict no contact phase right now. And I honestly hate it.

It’s funny you all talking about it’s who they show you they are, if I went by actions, no one would doubt that this man loves me. The problem is, he doubts it, and I’ve found some stuff out more recently that has just made me feel absolutely tit about myself because apparently cheats and psychopaths were ‘right’ for him and I’m just not. Hence the very strict no contact. And I know I can’t make him think I am ‘right’, but it’s made it even harder.

In all honesty it’s put me firmly back in a place where I currently just want to find someone clean and attractive to have sex with that I don’t have to get to know. Because I’ve been for a couple of drinks with three different guys lately, and I’ve realised how much that it was very much that he was different. I know that means someone eventually will get through to my emotional core again, but I don’t feel open to that at all right now.

It’s been a tough thing for you deal with. I think strict no contact is a good idea, to give yourself a chance to heal. I hope it helps you work through it all

I stepped away from dating a couple of weeks ago to give myself a chance to focus on other things. My ex has stayed in contact with me. We’ve had a lot of contact these past 2-3 months, found we’ve got even more in common, and have similar ambitions for the future… but still no effort to meet up/sort things out. I’ve tempered that with accepting he’s still not in a good place with the divorce, because he’s still trying to reach a settlement and has got a lot of other tit going on. Out of the blue, considering he wants to be “friends”, he looked at my dating profile a couple of times last weekend. What’s that about? We’ve not messaged since and I didn’t raise it with him.

So many people around me think he’s absolutely got feelings for me and I should see what happens as he gets closer to the divorce finalising itself in late summer. I don’t know if I can do it. It shouldn’t be this hard, should it? I’ve kind of gone into unofficial no contact and I won’t be messaging him. I need to protect myself. I’m not dwelling or spending too much energy on it. I’m having to really consciously keep it all at arm’s length and focus on myself. I’ll know when it’s the right time to get dating properly again. I plan to just have a lovely summer away from the hassle of it all, and keep moving forward. @Fledgling Psycho I can’t find anyone who’d meet even a FWB standard either

 

[easyliketuesdayafternoon]

I'm currently making my hinge profile and realising I really need some better photos than the silly ones I always take Urgh I hate this process. It feels like a lot when I only want to casually date at the moment!

 

[candyland_]

It’s been a tough thing for you deal with. I think strict no contact is a good idea, to give yourself a chance to heal. I hope it helps you work through it all

I stepped away from dating a couple of weeks ago to give myself a chance to focus on other things. My ex has stayed in contact with me. We’ve had a lot of contact these past 2-3 months, found we’ve got even more in common, and have similar ambitions for the future… but still no effort to meet up/sort things out. I’ve tempered that with accepting he’s still not in a good place with the divorce, because he’s still trying to reach a settlement and has got a lot of other tit going on. Out of the blue, considering he wants to be “friends”, he looked at my dating profile a couple of times last weekend. What’s that about? We’ve not messaged since and I didn’t raise it with him.

So many people around me think he’s absolutely got feelings for me and I should see what happens as he gets closer to the divorce finalising itself in late summer. I don’t know if I can do it. It shouldn’t be this hard, should it? I’ve kind of gone into unofficial no contact and I won’t be messaging him. I need to protect myself. I’m not dwelling or spending too much energy on it. I’m having to really consciously keep it all at arm’s length and focus on myself. I’ll know when it’s the right time to get dating properly again. I plan to just have a lovely summer away from the hassle of it all, and keep moving forward. @Fledgling Psycho I can’t find anyone who’d meet even a FWB standard either

I think you risk staying in this limbo even when his divorce is finalised. It will turn into ‘He just needs to accept his divorce is final…’ and then one day you could turn around and he’s with someone else. He’s already been seen on dating apps and a man that has feelings for you would have made the effort by now.
I know you keep saying you are doing no contact but you need to make it impossible for him to pop up and worm his way back in.