Dating after lockdown #21 More red flags than Pamplona, we don’t wanna know about your boner.

[square_spoon]

Anyone wanna twll me a positive story about how they found love at over 30? I turned 33 in April and my sisters in christ it is all getting so horrible out there.

The dating apps are shite, the conversations are boring as hell, and the men are either overconfident assholes who may or may not be cheating on their partners who just want a quick shag, or jobless ambitionless scrubs.

I've done the whole Female Dating Strategy thing of "leveling up" but all ot has done is made me see that 95% of men are just not worth dating.

Add to that I'm rather stumbling from crisis to crisis at the moment in my personal development and it feels like a relationship or love are further away than ever before.

I feel this 10000% as a lady on the opposite end of her 30s! I know the success stories do happen, but in the meantime it's a jungle out there. I tend to find men my own age not a good fit (either because of their interests, approach to women, or the unresolved baggage from past relationships) so try to go a little younger these days. I used to go older but have found that guys 45 and upward consider the apps an untapped reserve of fanny and just lose their minds with the availability and variety of it Younger guys seem to want to impress you if you're older, so try a little harder to be nice guys. That's my own experience of it anyway!

Is it a thing now for guys to change their WhatsApp pic to one of them and their gf when they get one? Male friends I know from other sources never do it, but I'm noticing that previous tinder/dating matches do. I'm wondering if it's a thing to signal to other women 'delete my number'

 

[DollyDiamondxo]

I feel this 10000% as a lady on the opposite end of her 30s! I know the success stories do happen, but in the meantime it's a jungle out there. I tend to find men my own age not a good fit (either because of their interests, approach to women, or the unresolved baggage from past relationships) so try to go a little younger these days. I used to go older but have found that guys 45 and upward consider the apps an untapped reserve of fanny and just lose their minds with the availability and variety of it Younger guys seem to want to impress you if you're older, so try a little harder to be nice guys. That's my own experience of it anyway!

Is it a thing now for guys to change their WhatsApp pic to one of them and their gf when they get one? Male friends I know from other sources never do it, but I'm noticing that previous tinder/dating matches do. I'm wondering if it's a thing to signal to other women 'delete my number'

The photo thing - it’s to prove they can actually get someone and the younger guy thing is spot on. I’m 30, I prefer younger guys, guys older than me can give off a real air of desperation, or be really boring! Older ones are quite bitter or seem to have a chip on their shoulder about what’s happened to them previously, younger ones aren’t as damaged. I know they say damaged women are a thing, but so are men, even more so in some cases I’ve known/my friends have known!

 

[Bagpuss7]

The photo thing - it’s to prove they can actually get someone and the younger guy thing is spot on. I’m 30, I prefer younger guys, guys older than me can give off a real air of desperation, or be really boring! Older ones are quite bitter or seem to have a chip on their shoulder about what’s happened to them previously, younger ones aren’t as damaged. I know they say damaged women are a thing, but so are men, even more so in some cases I’ve known/my friends have known!

A lot of the older guys who find themselves single again in their 40s can be bearing the brunt of a relationship fail which results in thr loss of their homes and seeing their children daily. Some deal with it better than others but it is tough starting over later in life.

Update from me ...so Mr invisible evenings/ weekend...situation up to today ....last comms with him was Friday lunchtime, he went off line about 1ish..nothing over the weekend at all, then he messaged once yesterday morning to say morning and sorry he had the children Sunday evening too so hadn't been online, I replied back with a morning and my weekend was good. That was the only communication yesterday. He's messaged this morning to say Morning, asked about my plans for today and are we still meeting on Saturday. I replied yes but we need to decide where and what time..he's gone off line without replying...I'm just really confused by it all tbh. The lack of communication in the evening and all 3 weekends since we started speaking is troubling me. My gut is saying he's going to stand me up Saturday but I'm not sure ...thoughts ladies?

 

[Clickbait]

A lot of the older guys who find themselves single again in their 40s can be bearing the brunt of a relationship fail which results in thr loss of their homes and seeing their children daily. Some deal with it better than others but it is tough starting over later in life.

Update from me ...so Mr invisible evenings/ weekend...situation up to today ....last comms with him was Friday lunchtime, he went off line about 1ish..nothing over the weekend at all, then he messaged once yesterday morning to say morning and sorry he had the children Sunday evening too so hadn't been online, I replied back with a morning and my weekend was good. That was the only communication yesterday. He's messaged this morning to say Morning, asked about my plans for today and are we still meeting on Saturday. I replied yes but we need to decide where and what time..he's gone off line without replying...I'm just really confused by it all tbh. The lack of communication in the evening and all 3 weekends since we started speaking is troubling me. My gut is saying he's going to stand me up Saturday but I'm not sure ...thoughts ladies?

Can I ask why you’re persevering with him? If his contact is sporadic at best and lack of contact unexplained, how would you feel if it continued in a similar vein once you met?

I’m fairly low maintenance when it comes to messaging as long as there is consistency, but I’m not sure I’d enjoy radio silence every Friday afternoon to Monday morning.

 

[Bagpuss7]

Can I ask why you’re persevering with him? If his contact is sporadic at best and lack of contact unexplained, how would you feel if it continued in a similar vein once you met?

I’m fairly low maintenance when it comes to messaging as long as there is consistency, but I’m not sure I’d enjoy radio silence every Friday afternoon to Monday morning.

I'm asking myself the same question tbh. When he actually chats its good and we have facetimed and he was interesting and fun to talk to so there is something there but I'm suspicious and I don't want to be of his absences during the evening and weekends. He said he will happily exchange numbers once we have met and if we get on.

 

[Clickbait]

I'm asking myself the same question tbh. When he actually chats its good and we have facetimed and he was interesting and fun to talk to so there is something there but I'm suspicious and I don't want to be of his absences during the evening and weekends. He said he will happily exchange numbers once we have met and if we get on.

Ok so you don’t have his phone number and you’re chatting via the app you matched on? Did you FaceTime through the app too? That wasn’t a feature available when I last used them although I can see it gives additional safety benefits.

I’d find him not sharing a number by this point (i.e. after you’ve FaceTimed and agreed to meet up) to be a little strange. Notifications on apps aren’t always the best so if one of you was running late to the date would you pick that up? Also most phones have block functionality so no real reason not to share it.

I think that it feels a bit suspicious, and a little clunky/awkward. If his reason for being offline is he’s busy with friends/family or looking after his kids, again it raises the question of ability to give a potential partner enough quality time to develop a relationship.

Do you think you’d be able to ask any further questions to understand his current position re: not sharing a number and so often being unavailable?

 

[Bagpuss7]

Ok so you don’t have his phone number and you’re chatting via the app you matched on? Did you FaceTime through the app too? That wasn’t a feature available when I last used them although I can see it gives additional safety benefits.

I’d find him not sharing a number by this point (i.e. after you’ve FaceTimed and agreed to meet up) to be a little strange. Notifications on apps aren’t always the best so if one of you was running late to the date would you pick that up? Also most phones have block functionality so no real reason not to share it.

I think that it feels a bit suspicious, and a little clunky/awkward. If his reason for being offline is he’s busy with friends/family or looking after his kids, again it raises the question of ability to give a potential partner enough quality time to develop a relationship.

Do you think you’d be able to ask any further questions to understand his current position re: not sharing a number and so often being unavailable?

The dating app I'm on ( Badoo) has the facetime option and that's how we spoke. Let me just see if I can copy and paste his reply to my question about the phone number he mentioned his child. Badoo doesn’t allow screenshots plus I can't do that here for some reason.
This was his reply to me asking about phone numbers..I didn't feel I could argue back to it but maybe that's what he knew...!
Maybe a little but that’s my personal issue as j got caught out once before. I’ll tell you about it but she ended up stalking me and one of my daughters even received a FaceTime call from her without them ever meeting and only 1 date!!! Xx

 

[Clickbait]

The dating app I'm on ( Badoo) has the facetime option and that's how we spoke. Let me just see if I can copy and paste his reply to my question about the phone number he mentioned his child. Badoo doesn’t allow screenshots plus I can't do that here for some reason.
This was his reply to me asking about phone numbers..I didn't feel I could argue back to it but maybe that's what he knew...!
Maybe a little but that’s my personal issue as j got caught out once before. I’ll tell you about it but she ended up stalking me and one of my daughters even received a FaceTime call from her without them ever meeting and only 1 date!!! Xx

Seems a rather unlikely story unless that person found his daughter on social media and she had a phone number attached to her account. Even then - why would you call someone’s child? Still if true I can understand his reticence. It doesn’t explain taking every weekend off though…

I can see why you’re in two minds. If he cancelled/flaked at the last minute would it cause issues re: you using that time to do something else at short notice?

 

[grumpy_curry]

Thanks everyone for sharing their stories with me! I have decided to ditch all the apps and I'm gonna focus on myself for the forseeable future.

Update from me ...so Mr invisible evenings/ weekend...situation up to today ....last comms with him was Friday lunchtime, he went off line about 1ish..nothing over the weekend at all, then he messaged once yesterday morning to say morning and sorry he had the children Sunday evening too so hadn't been online, I replied back with a morning and my weekend was good. That was the only communication yesterday. He's messaged this morning to say Morning, asked about my plans for today and are we still meeting on Saturday. I replied yes but we need to decide where and what time..he's gone off line without replying...I'm just really confused by it all tbh. The lack of communication in the evening and all 3 weekends since we started speaking is troubling me. My gut is saying he's going to stand me up Saturday but I'm not sure ...thoughts ladies?

If he can't commit to plans now, I would accept that the date won't happen. And I would cut him off. Aside from the suspicious absence during non working hours, you're not even at the early stages of dating and he's already a disappointment pretty sure he just likes the attention but has no intention of actually meeting.

I know these things are always much easier said than done, especially since I'm not *in* your situation. But be honest with yourself, why do you keep chatting with him? Is it hopium? Is it that it makes you working hours nicer too? Do you like the attention? Are you just refreshed by an actual adult conversation? Nothing wrong with all of that! But if you're looking for commitment, a man like that is not the right choice.

 

[Bagpuss7]

Seems a rather unlikely story unless that person found his daughter on social media and she had a phone number attached to her account. Even then - why would you call someone’s child? Still if true I can understand his reticence. It doesn’t explain taking every weekend off though…

I can see why you’re in two minds. If he cancelled/flaked at the last minute would it cause issues re: you using that time to do something else at short notice?

I'm with you on that, how does one access a child's account or phone based off having the dads number ! Makes no sense to me. He's messaged to ask if I know a certain restaurant in my home town so I will see if he takes the initiative and books it. I do understand the being wary but I've been fooled soo many times by these men because of ignored red flags and I'm tired of it all now...

 

[candyland_]

A lot of the older guys who find themselves single again in their 40s can be bearing the brunt of a relationship fail which results in thr loss of their homes and seeing their children daily. Some deal with it better than others but it is tough starting over later in life.

Update from me ...so Mr invisible evenings/ weekend...situation up to today ....last comms with him was Friday lunchtime, he went off line about 1ish..nothing over the weekend at all, then he messaged once yesterday morning to say morning and sorry he had the children Sunday evening too so hadn't been online, I replied back with a morning and my weekend was good. That was the only communication yesterday. He's messaged this morning to say Morning, asked about my plans for today and are we still meeting on Saturday. I replied yes but we need to decide where and what time..he's gone off line without replying...I'm just really confused by it all tbh. The lack of communication in the evening and all 3 weekends since we started speaking is troubling me. My gut is saying he's going to stand me up Saturday but I'm not sure ...thoughts ladies?

I don’t want to be negative but to me this is one huge red flag. l think he enjoys the attention from you and he’s filling a void in his day at work, my gut tells me that’s as far as it is going for him and it looks like he’s already phasing you out for a slow ghost. It’s almost like he’s giving you the bare minimum to keep that going at the moment but where’s his excitement to meet you?

I could be completely wrong but I don’t think I would give him the benefit of doubt. Vanishing every single day is a big no from me.

Also.. As a parent myself I never believe the ‘I’ve been busy/offline to spend time with my kids’ excuse. I always make time to send a quick text at some point.

 

[square_spoon]

I think however busy we all get with whatever, if we genuinely like someone we make the effort. And if it’s too soon to genuinely like someone you’d have to wonder what kind of part of your life they’d be capable of being once they did like you. Red flags!

 

[Grotbags85]

Hi all, ive been following this thread for a good while enjoying reading what everyone is up to. So i split up with my bf of 9 years in October last year, i ended it as finally realised the relationship was toxic and my health was suffering.. i was gutted at the time but now i realise it was the best decision i ever made.

So around the Feb i decided that i wanted male company and joined POF spoke to a few fellas, one ended up ghosting me he was desperate to come to my house but i didnt want that so he just started ignoring me one day. In about March i started talking to another fella a few years older than me and lives not that far from me, we had a laugh messaging, similar upbringing and liked all the same stuff, after about 3 months of messaging we finally met up and we have been together pretty much every weekend ever since hes a true gentleman and the opposite of what ive been used to.

 

[LaBlonde]

I don’t want to be negative but to me this is one huge red flag. l think he enjoys the attention from you and he’s filling a void in his day at work, my gut tells me that’s as far as it is going for him and it looks like he’s already phasing you out for a slow ghost. It’s almost like he’s giving you the bare minimum to keep that going at the moment but where’s his excitement to meet you?

I could be completely wrong but I don’t think I would give him the benefit of doubt. Vanishing every single day is a big no from me.

Also.. As a parent myself I never believe the ‘I’ve been busy/offline to spend time with my kids’ excuse. I always make time to send a quick text at some point.

fully fully agree.

@Bagpuss7 - i don’t know if i would even still be entertaining him. there are so many red flags that you may as well be wearing a beautiful sequinned matador jacket and waving one around your head. why does he still disappear in evenings and on weekends? why didn’t he respond to your meeting plans message? where is the effort from him? his excuse to not giving his phone number may be true, but it sounds deliberately engineered so that you can have no comeback to it - mentioning stalking and his child.

he sounds suspicious af and you really need to have your wits about you if you continue this. it absolutely sounds like he’s filling his work day, probably on a work phone. if people want to message, they will. there’s no excuse for that level of radio silence all the time.

 

[Clickbait]

fully fully agree.

@Bagpuss7 - i don’t know if i would even still be entertaining him. there are so many red flags that you may as well be wearing a beautiful sequinned matador jacket and waving one around your head. why does he still disappear in evenings and on weekends? why didn’t he respond to your meeting plans message? where is the effort from him? his excuse to not giving his phone number may be true, but it sounds deliberately engineered so that you can have no comeback to it - mentioning stalking and his child.

he sounds suspicious af and you really need to have your wits about you if you continue this. it absolutely sounds like he’s filling his work day, probably on a work phone. if people want to message, they will. there’s no excuse for that level of radio silence all the time.

Hadn’t considered the work phone aspect. Very good point.

 

[candyland_]

Can I ask what he does for a living Bagpuss?
He reminds me of the car salesmen in my wider social group

I think any doubts or suspicions in the early talking phase, especially before a date, would be my sign to stop contact. There should be fun, exciting and consistent communication at this stage.

 

[Losa53]

This is the longest time I haven't had or arranged a date....

@Bagpuss sounds like that dude I was chatting to, only wanted to speak on his term couldn't give me definitely time place when meeting as always based on what he was doing. I bet anything I wasn't the only 1 he was seeing as my mate found his naked pictures on a swingers site called fab!!!

I would ignore him and see how much effort he puts it as I think some men send the odd text to see if we still sat waiting for them or just to keep us on that little hook. I'm glad I told the guy where to go and I haven't spoken to him since so it was all 1 big game to him

 

[Bagpuss7]

Thank you ladies as always. I sent him a message earlier asking if we are any closer to exchanging numbers before the weekend especially as the app was not the most reliable for sending notifications. I've just looked and he's been online in the last hour but hasn't responded to my question. In the last 2 weeks he's been online constantly for most of the day but yesterday and today he's hardly been on...I sense a slow fade is occurring ! He works as a manager for a beauty company but who knows if that's true !

 

[square_spoon]

Thank you ladies as always. I sent him a message earlier asking if we are any closer to exchanging numbers before the weekend especially as the app was not the most reliable for sending notifications. I've just looked and he's been online in the last hour but hasn't responded to my question. In the last 2 weeks he's been online constantly for most of the day but yesterday and today he's hardly been on...I sense a slow fade is occurring ! He works as a manager for a beauty company but who knows if that's true !

In the words of Shakespeare, bin his ass.

 

[candyland_]

Thank you ladies as always. I sent him a message earlier asking if we are any closer to exchanging numbers before the weekend especially as the app was not the most reliable for sending notifications. I've just looked and he's been online in the last hour but hasn't responded to my question. In the last 2 weeks he's been online constantly for most of the day but yesterday and today he's hardly been on...I sense a slow fade is occurring ! He works as a manager for a beauty company but who knows if that's true !

Frustrating.
I’m assuming you’ll have to wait until tomorrow morning to see if he responds now which I think would be my final straw. If you still have hope see what effort he makes in the morning but I wouldn’t contact him first or send any leading questions about the date or phone number.