Dating after lockdown #21 More red flags than Pamplona, we don’t wanna know about your boner.

[Kimmylookatme]

I think you risk staying in this limbo even when his divorce is finalised. It will turn into ‘He just needs to accept his divorce is final…’ and then one day you could turn around and he’s with someone else. He’s already been seen on dating apps and a man that has feelings for you would have made the effort by now.
I know you keep saying you are doing no contact but you need to make it impossible for him to pop up and worm his way back in.

this. Belle, you deserve someone who is 110% sure about you RIGHT NOW. Not maybe in 6 months. Not maybe in a year. Not maybe when his divorce is finalised or he’s finished working through some stuff.
You come across as an incredible person and this has dragged on so long, I know it’s hard to let go of the idea that one day it all might fall into place. I’m sure he does have feelings for you, but you deserve someone who would move heaven and earth to show you that YOU are the only one they want.

 

[LaBlonde]

I think you risk staying in this limbo even when his divorce is finalised. It will turn into ‘He just needs to accept his divorce is final…’ and then one day you could turn around and he’s with someone else. He’s already been seen on dating apps and a man that has feelings for you would have made the effort by now.
I know you keep saying you are doing no contact but you need to make it impossible for him to pop up and worm his way back in.

i can only agree with this belle. my worry is that the goalposts would keep moving - waiting until the divorce is final, waiting until he’s had time to acknowledge that, waiting until it’s been enough time after the divorce is finalised etc. what difference does the official signing or confirmation of that mean in terms of your relationship? if he wanted to move forward with you then he would have done so by now, you’ve acknowledged that he’s back on the apps etc, which isn’t really the behaviour of a man waiting until the end of the summer to date. i’m not sure people telling you he “obviously” has feelings and you should wait around is entirely helpful. it, again, gives him full control of the situation.

candyland is right and i think it needs to be one thing or the other now. it isn’t fair to keep yourself in limbo like this and if you’ve gone no contact (which i think is the right thing to do) you need to draw a solid line under it.

 

[candyland_]

I’m confused at him looking at your dating profile.. Does that mean he’s got a dating profile too?
My initial gut feeling around this man is that there is other women involved and he’s keeping you sweet as a back up or for some unknown reason. He would be nowhere near a dating app if he wasn’t ready.

 

[Bianca Del Rio]

@candyland_ That’s exactly what I think too. I think Belle, he knows he’s holding all the cards here because he knows you want him back. He’s enjoying the comfort and the validation of knowing you’re there, but I don’t think he has any intention of resuming what you had. The most likely outcome is what Candyland said, the divorce will finalise and he’ll move on with someone completely different. I really hope I’m wrong, but that’s what my gut is telling me.

Even if you got the outcome you want and he did come back, I think this period of uncertainty and backwards and forwards will have done irreparable damage. It won’t be the same relationship you had before. He’s already shown he’s a flight risk and I think you’d spend more time treading on eggshells for fear of him doing this again than you would feeling secure and having your needs met. You’ve now been in this purgatory for longer than you were dating him, it’s time to draw the line. Easier said than done, I know, but the no contact thing is a very good start.

 

[Belle123]

Thanks everyone. Writing it out here has certainly helped me. Sometimes it helps to get it out of your head, away from people who are too close to me, and want to believe this will all come good, like some fairytale. I’ve allowed myself to be influenced by my romantic friends who want my happy ending… but I want someone who makes an effort with me and doesn’t play me with words. He’s made me think he just needs time, but I can’t take the limbo anymore.

I don’t believe that he’s dating anyone else. If he’s lying to me, well, that’s his prerogative. I have no idea why he looked at my profile out of the blue, and for the first time since we dated. He’s had his dating profile up for months. He hardly goes on there. Of course men go on dating apps when they are not ready - we get stung by them all the time. He was on there and met me when he wasn’t emotionally ready for it. I therefore have to respectfully disagree with the comment that him being on there means “he’s ready”. No, he’s not. Even women who post on here admit to going on them through boredom, habit, impulsiveness, being nosy and, if they’re really honest, plain old validation. Not because they’re ready to meet someone and have a healthy relationship. There’s things I won’t divulge here, but you have to trust I’m not deluding myself and I have a different perspective on it because I know what’s happened between us and been said. I’m obviously only giving a snapshot here. He’s actually shown signs of jealousy at me being on the dating apps recently. I’ve observed a blatant pattern of him engaging with me when he knows I’ve been on there, so I know he’s affected by it. It’s all white noise, and to be blunt, pathetic. Where’s the decisive action?

It’s largely irrelevant why he looked at my profile - I could waste time driving myself to distraction analysing that and I can’t be arsed - or even has a dating profile. I actually think the problem is not that he’s dating other women and is keeping me sweet, like some f%#* boy that he isn’t. It’s much simpler than that. He’s still not properly let go, emotionally, of his wife. He is still going through the turmoil of letting her go. Not even after all these months later has he shown enough growth and movement forward. It’s that obvious fact that’s proven to be my wake-up call! His behaviour is too vague and wishy washy for me. Keeping me close enough, but not doing anything real to re-establish our relationship. Having his cake and eating it. I’ve reached the end of my patience with it and I really feel like I’ve finally got to a place of letting him go.

Getting my promotion and gaining more of a control over other things in my life that were making me unhappy has galvanised me into putting this in a box and out of the way. No good can really come from all this contact and he certainly has no impetus to reflect properly on things while I’m there. That’s not why I’m doing this. I finally feel something has truly clicked in my brain. I can’t explain the relief at finally feeling like this. I’ve willed it to happen for so long.

It’s crystal clear to me now, having had time to observe it, that he’s clearly pandering to her, and I think that’s because he still loves her and has yet to move on. Sure, he’s going through the motions of the divorce, and I’ve no doubt he’s got a side to him that wouldn’t go back to her after everything. But love, relationships and emotions are more complicated and illogical than that and he probably still has some what ifs on some level, even if he desperately wants to move on. It’s just human nature to wonder. While he’s busy being stuck in one place with her and moving forward at a snail’s pace… I’ve gone. I’ve deleted him from my phone.

 

[Fledgling Psycho]

I was once involved with a separated man. In fact it was his wife that introduced us. They'd been separated for years but remained friends. She had two kids by another guy and they had a tumultuous relationship.
So there was me Miss Co-dependent Head mixed up with her not even divorced ex. She was then jealous that we apparently hit it off and was constantly phoning for him to go around to help her when her weird partner and her fell out!
In addition to this, her ex, my squeeze was impotent! No fairy tale endings for me.
The whole thing was so stressful and such a complicated mess for all involved I resolved to run like the wind from any separated man in the future. So much unfinished business.
In the end I went off with someone else and jumped from the frying pan into the ! But that's another story.

 

[Belle123]

I was once involved with a separated man. In fact it was his wife that introduced us. They'd been separated for years but remained friends. She had two kids by another guy and they had a tumultuous relationship.
So there was me Miss Co-dependent Head mixed up with her not even divorced ex. She was then jealous that we apparently hit it off and was constantly phoning for him to go around to help her when her weird partner and her fell out!
In addition to this, her ex, my squeeze was impotent! No fairy tale endings for me.
The whole thing was so stressful and such a complicated mess for all involved I resolved to run like the wind from any separated man in the future. So much unfinished business.
In the end I went off with someone else and jumped from the frying pan into the ! But that's another story.

I’m sorry to hear about the drama you got embroiled in. It’s why I was a bit pissed off when I found out about his circumstances. I usually deliberately avoid separated men/very recently divorced men, for the simple reason that it’s too complicated and emotionally volatile. It was always a solid boundary I had because it’s massively risky for us outsiders looking for something serious. For me, they have to be divorced and for some time to have passed since the divorce. It’s no guarantee, but there’s a much higher chance they’ve processed it and moved on. They’ve also got their house in order and not stayed in a state of limbo by being permanently “separated” rather than “divorced”. They’ve also, hopefully, had their rebounds and are emotionally ready. There’s always exceptions, and the most important thing to observe is their emotional state - sometimes men are separated yet are in a good place emotionally. It’s rare though.

I wished we’d been incompatible, I’d had doubts about him and I’d knocked it on the head no more than several dates in. Would have saved a lot of heartache But no, I had to go and really like him and start falling for him before I saw he wasn’t as emotionally ready as he’d led me to believe.

 

[Kimmylookatme]

So in 2020/21 I learnt the hard way also that as much as we can convince ourselves it’s right person wrong time, it’s usually just a combination of factors that actually make two people quite incompatible even though it feels at the time like there’s nothing that makes more sense.
ive touched on it before so can’t be bothered to bore anyone with it again but there were (in my eyes at least) very legitimate reasons for doing so; but I left my (tit, entirely mismatched and controlling) marriage for someone I was convinced was The One. We were bloody fantastically compatible in so, so many ways. I still get desperately sad I’ll never laugh like that with anyone again. I loved and adored him so deeply and just felt completely at one with myself and him when we were together.It wasn’t like a random fling or affair, we were long standing friends and I literally left my husband before I’d ever even kissed this man because I was that convinced it was the path my life was supposed to take and I couldn’t carry on pretending anymore. When we broke up I literally could not mentally or emotionally accept we weren’t supposed to be together. Just could not process it in any way. I went a bit nuts to be honest, it wasn’t a good period of my life! And for sooo long afterwards I’d tell myself ‘it was Covid, it was the stress of my separation and divorce, it was my ex’s behaviour, it was xyz…’ no those things didn’t help. But fundamentally it was just that we weren’t meant to be. It’s a reallly, really hard thing to accept especially when there’s so much room to pin any issues on people not being emotionally ready (I certainly wasn’t at that point, I was a wreck.) But then I look at my friend who had an almost identical scenario, left her husband for someone she’d fallen for, and years later they’re still blissfully happy and recently engaged. They worked through all the crap together and I guess that’s because they have that formula that just works. It really, really does suck to think you have it and find out you were wrong. Makes you question your judgement and self entirely at times. But it’s quite empowering to finally accept it I guess.

 

[Belle123]

So in 2020/21 I learnt the hard way also that as much as we can convince ourselves it’s right person wrong time, it’s usually just a combination of factors that actually make two people quite incompatible even though it feels at the time like there’s nothing that makes more sense.
ive touched on it before so can’t be bothered to bore anyone with it again but there were (in my eyes at least) very legitimate reasons for doing so; but I left my (tit, entirely mismatched and controlling) marriage for someone I was convinced was The One. We were bloody fantastically compatible in so, so many ways. I still get desperately sad I’ll never laugh like that with anyone again. I loved and adored him so deeply and just felt completely at one with myself and him when we were together.It wasn’t like a random fling or affair, we were long standing friends and I literally left my husband before I’d ever even kissed this man because I was that convinced it was the path my life was supposed to take and I couldn’t carry on pretending anymore. When we broke up I literally could not mentally or emotionally accept we weren’t supposed to be together. Just could not process it in any way. I went a bit nuts to be honest, it wasn’t a good period of my life! And for sooo long afterwards I’d tell myself ‘it was Covid, it was the stress of my separation and divorce, it was my ex’s behaviour, it was xyz…’ no those things didn’t help. But fundamentally it was just that we weren’t meant to be. It’s a reallly, really hard thing to accept especially when there’s so much room to pin any issues on people not being emotionally ready (I certainly wasn’t at that point, I was a wreck.) But then I look at my friend who had an almost identical scenario, left her husband for someone she’d fallen for, and years later they’re still blissfully happy and recently engaged. They worked through all the crap together and I guess that’s because they have that formula that just works. It really, really does suck to think you have it and find out you were wrong. Makes you question your judgement and self entirely at times. But it’s quite empowering to finally accept it I guess.

Thank you for sharing that You can be the most compatible people in the world, but it’s more than that to make a relationship work. So many things have to come together: compatibility, values, intentions, timing and so on. By and large, if it’s meant to be it works out, even if it comes around later on. It’s been successfully so for people I know. Sometimes people have to deal with something and then they’re ready. Life isn’t black and white. The tricky thing is judging it, and not being led on. I actually believe you can be the right people at the wrong time. The wrong time = it’s not meant to be right now and best let it go. What’s meant to be will find you.

The annoying thing is I accepted it and felt ok within a week or so after he initially broke it off. He dithered over ending it and I know he was unsure about his decision. He reached out to me after he broke up with me, then we got chatting again, met up, he wanted to meet again etc etc, and I ended up getting pulled into the whole “give him time” narrative those around me genuinely thought was the case with him. I wanted to believe it. I’ve no doubt he cares about me and was unsure about breaking up with me. He’s dithered a lot. I can’t see into the future, but I can control what I do today and protect myself. It’s no good to me to be in touch with him. As much as we get on and I’ll miss him, it’s the right thing to do. He knows where I am. Nothing less than him choosing me wholeheartedly will get me to break no contact this time… I know it’ll let me move on and get over it all, ready to let someone new in. Like I’ve done before and will do again. Not even knowing his situation will change will I allow a guy to do this to me again.

 

[Kimmylookatme]

Thank you for sharing that You can be the most compatible people in the world, but it’s more than that to make a relationship work. So many things have to come together: compatibility, values, intentions, timing and so on. By and large, if it’s meant to be it works out, even if it comes around later on. It’s been successfully so for people I know. Sometimes people have to deal with something and then they’re ready. Life isn’t black and white. The tricky thing is judging it, and not being led on. I actually believe you can be the right people at the wrong time. The wrong time = it’s not meant to be right now and best let it go. What’s meant to be will find you.

The annoying thing is I accepted it and felt ok within a week or so after he initially broke it off. He dithered over ending it and I know he was unsure about his decision. He reached out to me after he broke up with me, then we got chatting again, met up, he wanted to meet again etc etc, and I ended up getting pulled into the whole “give him time” narrative those around me genuinely thought was the case with him. I wanted to believe it. I’ve no doubt he cares about me and was unsure about breaking up with me. He’s dithered a lot. I can’t see into the future, but I can control what I do today and protect myself. It’s no good to me to be in touch with him. As much as we get on and I’ll miss him, it’s the right thing to do. He knows where I am. Nothing less than him choosing me wholeheartedly will get me to break no contact this time… I know it’ll let me move on and get over it all, ready to let someone new in. Like I’ve done before and will do again. Not even knowing his situation will change will I allow a guy to do this to me again.

its really good to hear that you’re going fully no contact bar some kind of actual tangible commitment from him. It definitely is the only thing that works. And of course it hurts like absolute hell because you miss them, you get on like a house on fire and it feels unnatural and painful not to be able to just reach out with some random funny story or tidbit of info or something you know they’d be interested in and only you two would really ‘get.’ But it does definitely work in the long run!

 

[Sprottish]

@Belle123 you clearly have so much care and love to give. I just want to say I think drawing a line under this is the best thing you can do for your sake. It’s a cliche but I promise it only gets easier with time

 

[candyland_]

I wish you would have blocked him because the door has been left open for him to pop up and you risk letting him back through it.

 

[Belle123]

@Belle123 you clearly have so much care and love to give. I just want to say I think drawing a line under this is the best thing you can do for your sake. It’s a cliche but I promise it only gets easier with time

Thank you very much for this! It will get easier, of that I’ve no doubt

I wish you would have blocked him because the door has been left open for him to pop up and you risk letting him back through it.

Nah, not letting him through this time. I’ll just tell him straight what my decision is if he contacts me. I’ll block after that if necessary

 

[Pink blancmange]

I feel like I've just had a lucky escape.
Swiping away on Tinder and matched with someone. Got chatting a little then I realised when I was going through his tinder pics he had uploaded a tiktok. Searched the tiktok account, it belonged to a family member. She had posted a tiktok last year with his prison number etc for people to write to him.
I then googled his name and he had been done for harassment and for beating a female. He had asked to meet tomorrow night. He's now blocked.

 

[Losa53]

I always recommend searching clare

I feel like I've just had a lucky escape.
Swiping away on Tinder and matched with someone. Got chatting a little then I realised when I was going through his tinder pics he had uploaded a tiktok. Searched the tiktok account, it belonged to a family member. She had posted a tiktok last year with his prison number etc for people to write to him.
I then googled his name and he had been done for harassment and for beating a female. He had asked to meet tomorrow night. He's now blocked.

Always recommend Sarah's law and clare's law x

 

[Bagpuss7]

Morning ladies, it's a new week and the sun is shining this morning I hope we all have a better happier week

I've had 3 days of silence from Mr Saturday date and it possibly may continue. He may also pop up today with his excuses but we shall see. The saga rumbles on ...

 

[MsCurly]

@Bagpuss7 what a joke he turned out to be! I'm glad you caught on early.

@Belle123 I'm very happy for you that you are finally putting this situation behind you.

During my last relationship I had to deal with something similar. He loved me and cared for me, but said he wasn't ready and that I was too much for him (he also had mental health issues). I beat myself up over it so many times, but eventually I realized that you cannot love someone into loving you. You cannot make people stay, you can only give them reasons to stay.
The lessons I learned from that relationship were the hardest lessons I ever had to learn, and it really took me a while before I got through it. I'm happy to read that you've been able to rationalize it all and are taking your distance from it!

 

[Belle123]

Morning! It is a lovely new week! I hope it’s a good one for everyone.

@Bagpuss7 Well, it came to pass as predicted. It’s a shame you got caught up in it but take heart that your instinct saw you right again.

@MsCurly Thank you for this. I’ve no regrets about my choices with him. We did deepen our connection and understanding of one another, and I care very much for him, but when something hurts you more than it benefits you, you have to put yourself first. There isn’t a way of keeping him in my life and not getting hurt. That simple truth is what’s at the core of my decision.

 

[Bagpuss7]

Morning! It is a lovely new week! I hope it’s a good one for everyone.

@Bagpuss7 Well, it came to pass as predicted. It’s a shame you got caught up in it but take heart that your instinct saw you right again.

@MsCurly Thank you for this. I’ve no regrets about my choices with him. We did deepen our connection and understanding of one another, and I care very much for him, but when something hurts you more than it benefits you, you have to put yourself first. There isn’t a way of keeping him in my life and not getting hurt. That simple truth is what’s at the core of my decision.

I hate that it's happened again but as with all these encounters it's another lesson learned...I wish I didn't have to keep having the same lesson on repeat but let's not analyse that one too closely

Belle we can care and love someone to their bones but ultimately if they are doing us and our mh harm we need to leave them because long term the most important person is us. I loved one of the guys I met when I first started this online dating shenanigans 6 years ago sooo much but the harm he caused me and still does will stay with me for a long time. Protecting us and our hearts has always got to be the priority no matter what

 

[Belle123]

I hate that it's happened again but as with all these encounters it's another lesson learned...I wish I didn't have to keep having the same lesson on repeat but let's not analyse that one too closely

Belle we can care and love someone to their bones but ultimately if they are doing us and our mh harm we need to leave them because long term the most important person is us. I loved one of the guys I met when I first started this online dating shenanigans 6 years ago sooo much but the harm he caused me and still does will stay with me for a long time. Protecting us and our hearts has always got to be the priority no matter what

Oh god I’ve felt like that too - do I really have to keep having this lesson, when another guy ghosts/cancels a date for weak reasons etc