Kate Lawler #3 Didn’t want a baby but gave it a go, Night Nanny helps to soften the blow.

[Begborrowsteal]

You'd think Siobhan would be supporting her with bonding with Noa. If Kate is ready to hear it and accept it, of course. Parenting looks different for all, but its clear she has struggled with Noa

I don’t know, PND can have a lot of different symptoms but it can totally make her feel like she hasn’t any attachment or even dark thoughts toward Noa. It can make you do very strange things. Even want the baby to get poorly so they will be cared for elsewhere.

I think neglect is too strong - a night doula might not be everyone’s cup of tea but it is providing care in a round about way rather than leaving her alone to cry it out all night.

There was a time, during my PND, that still makes my blood run cold. My eldest had run out of the play cafe we were in, I knew i hadnt checked on him as his Dad was there (i felt relieved i was off the hook from being 'mum' and catching up with friends). When he asked where our boy was, i was worried but i didnt react. I just sat there, anxious but detached. My son had run out towards a busy road and someone stopped him in time. It fucking breaks my heart now. But at the time, i remember how detached I was about it all. Its fucking awful what your mind can do. I have a lot of guilt about those early years, but hardly anyone knew. I havent actually discussed that incident with anyone because I feel so awful about it.

 

[DrMeredithGrey]

In case anyone is reading this thread and worrying about how they may be feeling about parenthood, concerned about lack of bonding, if you don’t seem to feel how you ‘should’ feel or think you may be suffering with PND, PANDAS is a great place to get some help and advice with zero judgement.

 

[Redbreast]

I think I would genuinely have more sympathy and understanding to her situation with exhaustion if when the night nanny came they both went straight to sleep and you could see the relief as soon as their heads hit the pillows. That’s not what I see though.

I see a couple happier when away from their daughter, where they can resume their old childlike ways, chat non stop on Instagram stories, go golfing, go for trips out to Pilates, laughing away on their phones instead of cuddling their precious baby. Appearing to do anything but just be with their baby each night. If I saw a genuine desperate need to just sleep and rest when they had help that would be more understandable. However, it sadly does appear that they need it to have their breaks from her to be the old them.

The before and after pictures; we get it Kate you looked a hell of a lot happier before. The after pictures are the truly wonderful ones because little Noa is there. She is such a beautiful little thing It’s sad that there is such little warmth there; just shouty songs and shouty phrases

 

[Treesy19]

I take it she isn’t expecting the four month sleep regression. Followed by teething. Siobhan, you’re re-hired.

new thread suggestion:

Kate Lawler #4 baby being a baby making me tired, homygosh no thanks, Night Nanny you’re re-hired!

 

[roobs21]

When I came through the haze of it all, I asked my mum wtf was she thinking and how did she cope maternal mental health shouldnt be shushed or hidden. It IS ok to feel shit and to say it. I do get on a soap box about this, sorry i dont like parenting via instagram like all these influencers do, but its a valid message imo

Yeah this is a hill I’m willing to die on tbh I became a mum at 29 and hated near enough every minute of it and my god did I let people know. I overshared too much to friends and on social media probably but I was honestly shell shocked and woefully unprepared for a non-sleeping, bottle-refusing, dairy intolerant baby.

I remember returning to work and one of the girls asking me how much I enjoyed motherhood and I told her I liked my daughter more when I wasn’t around her. At the time I was full of PND but people just thought I was exaggerating how hard I was finding it - she looked at me like I’d just committed a murder.

I’d rather any parent talks about how difficult it is than bottle it up and does harm to themselves or their child.

 

[username123!]

Who wants to tell her it’s normal for babies to still be waking in the night at 1 let alone four/five months

 

[littlepup]

I 100% guarantee you that if I had PND then I would have reached out ....

This comment shows a total lack of understanding of PND.

 

[Jane Porcupine]

Gimme nights in with my kiddies over anything with anyone else. Before kids I existed, now I truly live.

I genuinely feel sorry for you.

 

[LoonyLeopard]

I find the whole comparison disgusting.
Parents with a healthy child act differently than parents with a terminally ill child - what a shock! I’m bowing out of the conversation regarding the grief of those parents and the loss of the baby, the use of them to make a point makes me want to go take a shower.

If you want to make a direct comparison, let’s look at when Baby A was first diagnosed and and received treatment. (They later ‘rang the bell’ but, alas, it wasn’t to be and the leukaemia returned) The parents of Baby A spent many nights in hospital with their child and not ONCE did they post about how tired they were. I read every post about that poor child and the parents never made it about themselves and at this point they did not know the disease was terminal.

Kate’s baby was admitted to hospital 3 times in the first few weeks of her life and on EVERY SINGLE update, we got “I’m exhausted and need to sleep” “I just want to go home” (I am quoting her posts verbatim here). Even when she said “the doctors think we might be able to go home” she had to throw in a quick “I’m so tired” at the end.

And THAT right there is your comparison.

 

[Chatterbox2412]

I think the whole bubble ship has sailed, you can go to the pub now and mix in groups so I can’t see any issue with having his mum & sister involved. Also, it’s better they are around as Kate clearly isn’t coping with motherhood & all the changes it has brought to her life. It’s a real shame on both her & Noa, personally I adore the tiny baby stage but it’s not for everyone & maybe she will cope better when Noa is a little bit older. Not making excuses for her at all but her behaviour on Social Media is so erratic that I think any family support she can get is good.

 

[Howdy]

OMG I remember that!! Then she wish she hadn’t cos she didn’t want everyone to know she’d had the epidural So she’s still never spoke about the birth of Gigi and I’m sure she’s been asked 1000 times if she had another epidural ....question always dodged!

Jeez where is the shame in an epidural? I hate this supposed badge of honour for a woman who refuses all pain relief. Woo hoo. Well done. Why do we have to be martyrs? If it's your choice then fine but to hide in shame because you chose pain relief is lunacy. It doesn't make you less of a person for deciding not to just tolerate the pain. Women have enough thrown at them without having an unhelpful narrative that child birth should be done without pain relief. To reiterate, if it is your choice then fine, but to feel ashamed because of this narrative is really damaging. It isn't a competition.

I agree. I had a planned c section after the traumatic birth of my first baby, and although I was eternally grateful to not have to go through labour again, I was still shit scared.

I'd had quite the journey with loss before finally reaching a full term pregnancy and planned CS (baby was breech).

 

[LeBlonde]

Absolutely speechless. How could you not want to cuddle and comfort your tiny baby all night, after such a day???

 

[Treesy19]

Really helpful supportive mum there telling her daughter to not bother. This is why rates are low in this country - shit support and some people not even getting supported off their own immediate support network like their own mum.

 

[bumblebees19]

I think the whole bubble ship has sailed, you can go to the pub now and mix in groups so I can’t see any issue with having his mum & sister involved.

Respectfully, bubbles are very much here still. You can go to the pub now but that is outside, well ventilated, and you are supposed to maintain social distancing while doing so.

Having two people in your house, close contact, using your kitchen, breathing over your baby, is different. That essentially means everyone the mum AND sister are in contact with are in contact with Noa.

I appreciate it’s boring by this point to care about the rules but they are in place for a reason.

 

[Lovestolurk]

I’m reading the thread and sat here thinking

“That would be me as a mother”

I can relate so much - honestly I feel I’d be exactly the same. I love babies and think they’re cute but ugh I’m so ready to hand them back when they won’t stop crying or they puke. I much prefer animals. It’s been drummed into women than “it’s different when they’re yours” and that you’ll immediately feel a rush of love when you give birth. This IS NOT TRUE! I really do feel sorry for her and everyone judging her, she needs support.

But you can make the choice to not have children? For your own mental health and the sake of would-be children. It’s the 21st century, (most) women have the freedom to exercise their right to not be a mum. And I admire any woman who has the self-awareness and strength of mind not to bow down to societal pressures to start a family if they know it’s not the right path for them.

kate was vocal for years that she wasn’t sure she wanted children, and even monetised her thoughts via a podcast. I can only deduce that given her age talking about maybe having babies into her 40s would have started being odd. And to stay relevant she’s decided to have a family and now she is going to play the whole “this is hard, I say it as it is, I’m a real mum, I’m a cool mum because I’m disinterested in my child”

people are judging because she publicly acknowledged her lack of desire to have a child, still chose to have one, and now can’t get away from her quick enough. It’s irresponsible. I don’t think she has PND one bit, she is just selfish. There’s a huge difference.

 

[LoonyLeopard]

She just slid the fact she has been talking to a therapist into her story. Hopefully it helps, for hers and Noa's sake.

I felt relieved when she said she’d been speaking to a therapist because I was worried she thought it was normal to call your baby a psycho, endlessly talk about how challenging she is/how tired you are and pay for someone else to look after her when you’re on maternity leave. The fact there’s a therapist involved means she must acknowledge she needs support with the adjustment, which is excellent and I’m glad she’s getting the help. There’s nothing wrong with reaching out and asking for professional help

 

[bedtimereader]

Boj calling Noa a ‘psycho’ for being a baby and needing fed. Jeez, is he trying to be relatable or something cause he’s coming across as a total prick. You two chose to have a child; start acting like a parent! Right now it reeks of a bigger brother being left in charge for an hour or something.
Also kate, top tip - stop calling him ‘The Handsome’ cause he isn’t.

He certainly isn't, he's a sleaze. He chatted my friend up in a bar a few years ago and invited her back to him room - all he wanted to do was name drop about his former Big Brother girlfriend and show us pictures on his phone of her in hospital having had a nose job. I couldn't believe it when I saw they were still together a few months ago.

 

[Hollybush]

I think Kate needs to shut up complaining and get on with being a Mother to Noa. Kate is not a teenage Mum who is young and naive, she is a 40 year old woman and should have realised that having a child would change everything.
Yes we are all guilty of having the odd moan and whinge about our child but she needs to read the room now and realise how lucky she is and wind her neck in a bit.
I agree with the others when she places the blame on Noa for refusing the boob but that poor little baby doesn’t know what’s going on, I question the Doula/night nanny’s ability as surely she should be advising Kate on why she is struggling to feed Noa.
Kate needs to stop the 4am Insta stories, no one gives a shit and get on with it. You’re not the first woman to have a baby and won’t be the last.

 

[lalalanded]

You may see my comment as unhelpful, but it is true. If you are not OK - seek help. There is no shame in doing so - It is out there waiting for you. Wallowing, never helped anyone. A quick google tells me that there is a lot help out there if you want and need it.

As far as I am aware, I did not have PND - but I was terribly lonely (resentful even) being at home with the baby 24/7 so I got off my arse and changed things for the better; I 100% guarantee you that if I had PND then I would have reached out to my health visitor, my doctor, the bloody Samaritans if I felt it would help.

I am sorry this happened to you and I am genuinely sorry no one could see what was happening before you got to that point.

Your comments throughout this whole thread have been patronising, unhelpful and just wrong.

 

[Frograbbit]

I think the hypnobirthing people call it abdominal birth because they want to empower women by calling it a birth instead of an operation.

She’ll soon get tired of that fight and be calling it a c-section before long. She insisted on ‘doula’ in the beginning, but has begun to buckle and called her ‘nanny’ in a story the other night

I'm a doula and I just wanted to say that doulas and nannies are completely separate jobs. A post partam doula is there to provide support for the mother to mother. Some things can include bringing food, making teas, providing breast feeding support, shopping etc. We are there to help the mum be able to focus on the baby. Totally different to nannying and anyone that is using a nanny and calling them a doula should know the difference.