Jack Monroe #76 £300 mirror mirror on the wall, who’s the poorest of us all?

[lilamay]

Found this in the comments under her 'ultimate lasagne' recipe.

Excuses, excuses.

 

[Breakdance Badass]

To be clear:
Don’t go to A&E with black shimmery eyeshadow on
Don’t announce you have Covid symptoms then prance down to Asda

 

[colouredlines]

My train is late 🔺️🔺️🔺️ so I took a closer look at the latest recipe:

Moonshine Mash first appeared in Cooking On A Bootstrap, a bootleg riff on polenta made with potatoes and corn. I so named it because ‘hooch’, or moonshine, is typically made from potatoes or corn, and the idea of my own sneaky irreverent take on something usually considered quite special rather tickled me.

So we start with yet another failure to comprehend that words have meanings. Polenta is a specific foodstuff. It is not a potato. It is derived from corn, but you can't just substitute sweetcorn for it. It's also not "usually considered quite special" unless you fear forrin things. It's actually simple to make and very filling, and a little goes a long way!

Sorry to fixate on Jack's inability to understand that words mean things (see also: risotto, carbonara, souffle, tortilla). Funny that she gets so het up over eau de Nil vs duck egg blue, but will gladly call instant mash polenta, no? What happened to her autistic obsession with the truth?

blending canned corn with its brine

It's not brine. It's often sugar water Culinary tip, Jack: we drain it because sweetcorn has a delicate flavour that we usually want to taste. Flavour is a concept worth looking into. It can make a big difference to your cooking.

I opted not to add fat to mine, simply because I only have lard in the house at the moment

You're a fucking food writer. Why do you have every spice known to man, but no oil?

(so that WAS lard spread on your bagel?? Oh Jack, I was joking...)

First preheat your oven to 190C, and pop your sausages in a roasting tin. Place them on the middle shelf, and cook for 40 minutes.

I was gonna comment on her habit of writing out a recipe like her readers have never seen a kitchen before. Seriously, I had a Brownie Guide cookbook as a kid that had more respect for my intelligence. Then I remembered the Lockdown Larder questions. Okay Jack, you have a point.

To make these this tiny mirepoix-style small and delicate pieces, I firstly sliced the broccoli stalk, carrot and onion on a mandolin slicer, then used my handheld veg dicer to make them pleasingly dinky and even.

But you're an expert onion chopper!!! You wrote a song about it!

seasoning sparingly with salt but generously with pepper.

But in your last recipe you loved salinity in your food or some similar inanely worded nonsense? Why do you hate salt?

Pop the kettle on to boil for the gravy, and measure the granules into a mug. Pour the boiling water over and stir well until the gravy thickens, and set to one side.

A lot of words to say: "follow the instructions on the packet."

Serve piping hot, and enjoy!

SHAN'T.

 

[BlendedSlop]

Jack Monroe #77: Eau de Nil by ouchy mouth (except bollocks and eyelids)

Fraus I am crying laughing at the thread tonight. Brenda's bangers are the gift I never knew I needed.

 

[Veronicaaa]

I'd develop a passion for cookery pretty damn sharpish too if my only alternative was eating Jack's slop.

 

[MrsOgre]

Jack is working her way through the Beatrix Potter collection

 

[I steal names]

Me, Jack, me! Weirdly enough, people have many different areas of interest, we're not all the same, you passive aggressive cock.

 

[Emmapism]

Hmm, we haven't heard much about Jack's crippling arthritis in a long time. If we mention it here in a few posts, she'll have a flare-up by the end of the week, right?

She tweets an awful lot for someone who basically lost the use of her hands two years ago

 

[Lanie]

She is actually pretty tackless in her tweets to people, my dad died of cancer more than likely lifestyle related. I don't think he was sitting in his final days going ok this is shit, but oh well. he knew is lifestyle was to blame but he still wished he had made better choices.

He was actually pretty devastated to be told he had six months to live as he was only in his fifties and had alot of living still to do.

She can be quite heartless in her little thoughtless comments.

Sorry I had to edit his age as I put it wrong as I was upset.

 

[PoorPatrol]

Thrilled by my ‘metric ton’ of notifications of likes from newbies the last couple of days, mostly from threads of yore. Seek the truth my pretties, and abandon all hope (of getting anything done) all ye who enter here!

Pyou’re allowed a piss and a sandwich at any time FYI

 

[Pocahontas]

I cannot stop thinking about Brenda’s foreskin sausages.

 

[heretoreaditall2019]

She’s thinking of unlocking her account the day 6 months of restrictions have been announced (in England), she’s praying for a DKL. Us too tbh

 

[Silver Linings]

Give it a rest, Jack. Bloody hell. She’s revelling in this cheap meat shtick.

 

[MooBelle]

Didn't she, not too long ago, imply that Prince Harry told her this tip in circumstances she couldn't possibly discuss?

She also said Prince Harry (IN PERSON) told her a 'top tip' when sharing nudes. If you mega enlarge said nude pic and put a teeny tiny code in the picture then if the picture is ever leaked you could zoom in onthe code and thus work out who had sent it.

Some observations i made at the time and still standby
1.Doesn't matter who leaked them, they are still public
2. If you share so many pictures of your bits and pieces with so many different people that you need to catalogue them then you need to fucking stop it.

 

[Scarletfever]

STOP PRESS: Asda now do sugar free donuts

 

[crystaleyesd]

 

[Silver Linings]

[Man tries not to laugh gif]

 

[Alansbigplate]

im not saying it didn't happen but didn't miranda hart have some trouble with a fox recently...?

She thinks she’s fuckin Fleabag

(the vicar though. You would wouldn’t you)

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[Man tries not to laugh gif]

Postman will have been ‘is that the smell of bull shite? Lost her fuckin books my arsehole’

 

[Mycuppatea]

The way he talks about fostering, you don’t get a sense of love and care, it’s that same thing that Jack does - INSISTS on being so kind and helpful, but with a constant touch of bitterness about the personal cost. I totally agree that foster carers should be paid really well but those children need way more than a roof over their heads, they need to feel secure, wanted, and loved. Sounds like he begrudges being a foster carer and it’s all just such hard work - nobody’s forcing you mate!! I’m sensing that theme of wanging on about begrudging their self-imposed public duty. Army, fire service, fostering.

Both my children are adopted and one of them had a foster carer who was such a performative foster carer. It was all about her and her feelings, how everyone was always saying how amazing she was and how she sacrificed everything, and she made her own life so hard making sure everyone could see how perfect she was. It was really annoying to feel obliged to soothe her ego during our introductions to our child who, thankfully, was an oblivious baby and didnt know what a burden she was on the selfless angel among women who was paid to look after her. It must be toxic to live in that atmosphere when you are old enough to feel and understand it.

 

[Silver Linings]

Spoiler: Mmmmmmmm

No more space on her phone for all the alts she has already, sadly.