Alansbigplate
VIP Member
Awaiting a new Frau with the username bollock sausage
love when the lurkers come out *homer pats sofa*
- Notice
love when the lurkers come out *homer pats sofa*
Harrybosch
VIP Member
Another courgette lover here (innuendo. Get it, get it???). They are not smokey, unless you put them on a bbq or add liquid smoke. The same could be said for any other vegetable. They also don't caramelise, as they are very high in water, but not sugar (unlike onions or starchy veg). She really is utterly clueless.
Courgettes are great for two separate reasons. Either you use them in recipes for their freshness and because they cook quickly (the pasta dish you describe, or a stir fry or maybe a frittata) or you add them for added bulk without many calories (soups, stews, etc). Courgettes are no ones go to veg for smokiness and caramelisation.
Emmapism
VIP Member
This and @Switchstreetz 'I've got a call coming through on my mirror, bye' have left me stone cold deceased. I am an ex-Frau. I have given up the (Victorian) ghost.
Brian Butterfield
VIP Member
Wonder how Natalia's coping with all of Jack's fan mail
Tabitha D
VIP Member
I thought part of the point of using red lentils in soup (and I do love red lentil soup) is that in cooking they sort of break down and become a bit starchy which adds to the texture. If you rinse them then you will lose that, surely? But Jack does love to rinse stuff (except her fingernails apparently).
crystaleyesd
VIP Member
Fuck me, really lays it out how much the establishment support each other. Imagine some poor sucker without a blue tick making something legit delicious. No contacts from the Groucho? Sorryyyyyyyy, guess you're poor forever 
Brian Butterfield
VIP Member
We're not worthy of your greatness, @Pocahontas!Congratulations to @Silver Linings for the thread title! A hearty 67 reactions!I couldn’t be more proud of my pirate wife. Expect a moonlight sonata on the lake tonight, dearest heart.
Ahem! Here is the recap. It’s hhhhnnnnggggg long. Today has been off the charts.
Recap of thread #74
As always, please add any recap points that I have missed!
- Praise beans, Jack Monroe is alive and well! It’s possible that she’s been living quite happily in the fire swamp / Upside Down for some time now, indulging her propensity for tweeting with her sausage hands.
- Or, are they ... mink paws? Who can say, but this Peeky Mink certainly likes Ocado, M&S, has a writing deadline to meet, but still time to dig out their trusty copy of one of the bootstrap recipe books and procrastinate while baking a POTATO.
- Or, perhaps we’re being too suspicious and Mink is not who we think she is? As was quickly stated in her new bio. Oh, ok then, whatever you say, Mink. What’s your hometown of Edinburgh like? I hear there’s a phenomenal Five Guys (not a chain).
- Minky then seemingly suffered with tweet remorse as she went on a deleting spree, locked their account (sound familiar?) and unliked complimentary posts about Jack Monroe. Poor Jack. When’s she ever gonna catch a break?
- Peeky Mink follows Sali Hughes, That Man and Thrifty Lesley. And is followed by Louisa and a family member. All together now: lol.
- Massive deposit of Vlad-funded bitcoin to today’s detective @Veronicaaa. See her initial discovery here.
- And tech extraordinaire @heretoreaditall2019 who caught Peeky Mink’s Twitter feed run (?) here. All-expenses paid trip to the palace for you.
- I wonder if Peeky Mink is good at writing books and keeping to imminent deadlines? Someone sure needs to be.
- Cartoon capture of Peeky Mink (for safety attached. Screenshot credit @Chip1984).
- But then Jack (the real Jack) came back to warn of a user on Twitter who is ‘obsessively hounding and bullying’ her under a fake profile (which mocks her name and phraseology). The white sauce thickens.
- Real Jack decided to put their feet under the table and broadcast a panic tweet about empty toilet roll and pasta shelves in Asda (not M&S). Talk about putting out fires with gasoline (she was accused of making things worse). It’s not HER mess, talking-sense person, now get to absolute fuck.
- She then claimed she was back on a very strict grocery budget ‘for various reasons’, complete with pics of her Asda haul. She’s going to be recipe blogging again. Oh, great (or, should I say ‘grate’).
- Apparently this gives her purpose, and she does it well, and it helps others. Okay? Now fuck off.
- She ‘solemnly swears’ to be on call for a daily lockdown larder. She’ll have her ‘fastest fingers and finking cap’. ‘Jack, Jack - I have a raw egg, a tin of marrow fat peas and a chicken’s foot (singular). HALP.’
- Is today Sunday? Not sure, but at least I finally got dressed.
For new joiners to the thread, here is @Passive_Aggressive_Lemon ‘s ‘Jack for Dummies’ post (edited to include updated info):
Thought it might be useful for new followers to have a post at the start of each thread with some info.
Limegoss article about Jack versus Jamie Oliver : https://limegoss.com/jack-monroe-jamie-oliver/
Thread #31 is the infamous one in which Jack turns up to talk to us directly. She makes her appearance on p. 17.
For anyone wanting to relive the glory days of her two-week stint on Daily Kitchen Live (DKL), have a grunk a through threads 2-9.
*** JACKISMS ***
Jack’s most oft-used reply to questions on recipe substitutions:
Yes, absolutely x
Some other favourite Jack quotes:
‘Babe, same’
‘I did a chaos’
‘My maverick brain’
‘My sad little face’
‘I’m BUSY’
‘I HOOTED / I am FIZZING’
‘I laughed up a lung’
One of Jack’s followers once referred to Tattlers as sad hausfraus and Jack herself has likened us to a cabal. Therefore we have become the Cabal of Hausfraus™️. She also recently referred to us as ‘gossip mavens’ (so, we are gossip trusted experts). ** Recent additions to her terms of endearment for Tattle: conspiracy wankers, obsessive groups of completely unhinged bullies, bullying ninnies, and malign, vicious bullies **
To ‘GrunkaLunka’ your way through a thread means to catch up on posts. Named after a member who rather epically caught up on many threads in a short period of time (and is also a fearless pioneer of the space-time continuum. She really was here both Now and Then).
Jack once threatened to use her Liam Neeson skills to TRIANGULATE our whereabouts in order to intimidate us, so that’s what we mean by that. * She may also threaten to take us to court - do not be afraid, this is not the first time and it won’t be the last. *
Jack once sideboard modelled a Vivienne Westwood dress, seeming to infer that it’s what Viv would have wanted (as if she were dead), and then got snippy when corrected otherwise. There may be some ‘RIP Viv’ jokes (she is, of course, NOT dead)
We sometimes joke about being on Vladimir Putin’s bitcoin payroll list for being evil trolls.
During her stint on Daily Kitchen Live, Jack produced a godawful looking lasagne, with a thin white sauce that never thickened up, just disappeared. It was widely likened to ‘horse spunk’ - there may be some horse ‘spirit’ lasagne jokes.
Her last-uttered line to Matt Tebutt on DKL was: ‘Thank you so Matt much, Matt’, which made us all HOOT.
Jack ended a tweet that listed her (not unimpressive) four-and-a-half GCSE results (A*, A, B, B, C) with: ‘Now fuck off’. We sometimes like to use this in our own posts for comedic effect. We are NOT telling other fraus to fuck off, simply paying homage to Jack’s own genteel humour.
*Back in the mists of time, one funny frau used a Jimmy Nail ‘She’s Lying’ picture to illustrate their thoughts on one of Jack’s latest tales. @Alpha Beta thought it was Novak Djokovic, the cabal hooted and Novak Nail was born. You may see reference to Jimmy Nail, Novak Djokovic, or the combination of both: Novak Nail. All demonstrate that she’s lying.*
Also:
- She grew up in a 5-bed (mortgaged/owned) house
- She got a £4.5k Omega watch for her 21st birthday
- Her dad's a fucking LANDLORD (an oldy, but a goody)
- Jack and Louisa are no longer in a relationship - in Jack’s words: ‘She [Louisa] left’.
- Her record for staying off Twitter since the start of these threads is 114 hours and 47 minutes.
- She is 90% vegan. The other 10% likes to nom nom on Five Guys burger and discounted chicken slices.
- During her appearance on DKL, she was asked why some mince has a higher fat content. ‘It just does.’
- The information held on her by Companies House has her year of birth WRONG. She was born in 1988, not 1978.
Here is a link to Jack’s Tattle Wiki page, which also includes clips of Matt Tebutt muttering ‘Terrible!’ on Daily Kitchen Live, courtesy of @Yel) and @Bookweevil ‘s hilarious Glossary of Jack.
We are terrible for going off on tangents and using too many gifs, so there is another thread where we don’t discuss JM but instead talk about biscuits and stuff. For good light relief when JM is doing too much chaos, come to the Food & Drink threads in Off Topic.
Now fuck off xxxxxx
PS Probably not who you think I am.
Marmalade Atkins
VIP Member
Tweeting right now. That precious time she spends with her child between school pick up and bed. Yep. Tweeting. As usual.
blurstoftimes
VIP Member
I haven't caught up so it might have already been addressed but WHY DOES THIS RECIPE TELL YOU TO SEASON WITH BLACK PEPPER TWICE BUT NOT TO SEASON WITH FUCKING SALT.
Oh sorry, I forgot that courgette and red lentils are famously naturally salty and flavourful - thats why Jack is the professional chef and I'm not.
HarderFaster
VIP Member
I absolutely loved how pissed off @blurstoftimes was at Jack's very presence. It was hilarious.
Alansbigplate
VIP Member
If you choose to go to the start that’s what we call a Grunka sometimes people time travel back and forth on their Grunka like dedicated @Incywincy and others go hardcore like the stoic @GrunkaLunka after whom it is named. Don’t miss out #31 where Jack came to do an ask me anything and the Fraus deliciously told her to get to absolute fuck xI am new to Tattle. Should I follow the Jack Monroe threads from the start, or just pick up the threads on this one?
I must admit I find JM a bit of an oddball. She has been very much favoured by the luvvies, lefties and everything in between. I don’t follow her on Twitter because, from what I’ve seen of her tweets, they can be inflammatory and I don’t go on Twitter for that shite.
Brian Butterfield
VIP Member
Traazers? On a bird? Kills me stone dead every time.
JoyceDivision
Chatty Member
Babe, Same.
If a newbie Frau calls themselves ‘Traazers’ that would be *chef kiss*
Veronicaaa
VIP Member
That's what I was thinking! She's so traumatised by her year signing on that she trembles at every knock on the door and starts wailing like a banshee whenever she has to use her debit card, yet she relishes re-enacting her time as Oliver Twist with her weekly meal budgeting.
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Silver Linings
VIP Member
She is having a lovely quiet evening with SB. Oh sorry, she’s tweeting even more than she used to and asking her enablers to tell her what to cook for tea tomorrow and telling her followers SB would eat nothing but eyelid sausages if given the choice.
Is this the promised #spon #collab that was all secret squirrel? Has she bought shares in Smart Price sausages?
In short, the elation from having got away with Peeky is making her even more insufferable than usual. A feat indeed.
Is this the promised #spon #collab that was all secret squirrel? Has she bought shares in Smart Price sausages?
In short, the elation from having got away with Peeky is making her even more insufferable than usual. A feat indeed.
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GrunkaLunka
VIP Member
Jack Monroe Kombucha recipe
Jack Monroe alcohol free whisky
Finished my Grunkarooney™️ and am back in real time.
Just leaving those search terms there so I will remember to Google them later.
Jack Monroe alcohol free whisky
Finished my Grunkarooney™️ and am back in real time.
Just leaving those search terms there so I will remember to Google them later.
Grizzlybear
VIP Member
Get to absolute fuck 
aw guys, I’ve had a dreadful day (THEN NOT NOW) but you have really cheered me up. Now, fuck off 
aw guys, I’ve had a dreadful day (THEN NOT NOW) but you have really cheered me up. Now, fuck off