Jack Monroe #568 Things Jack doesn't understand - Gaslighting, Gas heating, Gastronomy

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If we had a Jack wedding sheā€™d bang on about how it cost her 37p because she fished the vicar out of a skip.
As I was scrolling I thought this said "if we had a Jack vending machine" and now I'm not sure I dare sleep for fear of nightmares about such slop dispensing inventions.
 
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Still grunking Ninnies but ffs why is this dopey arsed fuckwit bleep STILL trying to make a further career out of duck all?!

You got lucky Jack with a decadeā€™s worth of grifting and being platformed by the idiot Guardianistas for so long. Youā€™re also really lucky NOT to have a proper criminal record and be the recipient of a hefty court bill (now wouldnā€™t that be ironic after KH??) after the tit youā€™ve pulled.

There are others out there now, who actually do activism for their cause rather than lining their own pockets, and they are doing it well. So we donā€™t need you, you pathetic attention-seeking, self-serving bleeping moron. Go outside and touch grass you twit, or better still, take a parenting class, engage in counselling for NPD and work out in therapy the reasons why your son probably hates you

SPOILERā€¦..itā€™s all your own fault for being a lying, embarrassing neglectful dipshit and putting YOUR needs before HIS every single time. Just for likes and shares and plaudits from people who wouldnā€™t give you the time of day now (and shouldnā€™t have then, tbf)

Live, Laugh, Love hun!!!!
 
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Dear god almighty and all his cherubim and seraphim. What in the babyshit is this monstrosity? And how MASSIVE is it?!
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Sheā€™s a charlatan who cannot cook for tit, but genuinely, she reserves a special sort of venom for eggs. Why does she hate eggs so much?

Did she get LEFT by an egg?
If someone ever makes a horror movie about eggs then they have all the reference pics needed.
 
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Dear god almighty and all his cherubim and seraphim. What in the babyshit is this monstrosity? And how MASSIVE is it?!
View attachment 2873517
Sheā€™s a charlatan who cannot cook for tit, but genuinely, she reserves a special sort of venom for eggs. Why does she hate eggs so much?

Did she get LEFT by an egg?
Er Vali-Voo there was no date on that insta. Itā€™s notā€¦.recent, is it?
 
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If someone ever makes a horror movie about eggs then they have all the reference pics needed.
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Er Vali-Voo there was no date on that insta. Itā€™s notā€¦.recent, is it?
No, itā€™s from years ago. Itā€™s on Pinterest as one of her ā€œ110 Best Jack Monroe ideasā€ and the blurb says itā€™s when SB was 8. It was for the poor little buggerā€™s birthday.
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Donā€™t have a login tho so canā€™t see what the rest of this prattle entailed. I can tell you however, that these were in no way, shape or form ā€œbest ideasā€
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See also: disgusting dismembered dongs and a tangerine-tinted cowpat-splat.
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@colouredlines posted a bunch of confections (including the CREM egg log) here too
 
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And SINGING! I expect she would have sung and danced the first dance all at the same time. While also giving a speech about how brilliant she is and how sheā€™s transformed their new spouseā€™s life.
Oh lord sheā€™s exactly the kind of person whoā€™d sing a warbly song while walking down the aisle. Perhaps weā€™d get a nasal honking of Counting Crows while Chocodaddy led her down the aisle. You just know sheā€™d have to be the one to wear the big dress and do the grand entrance, LJC would be talked into wearing a plain suit.

Then youā€™d probably have a Jordan marrying Peter Andre style first dance, with Jack providing the vocals.
 
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The policewoman, the celebrity chef and the head of news and current affairs, all inexplicably fell for Monroe's narcissistic charms, but all rumbled her with some haste and made their exit. All know she's a grifter and a charlatan and all know she has in all probability conned thousands of people out of money easily into the high tens of thousands of pounds

We know she treated LJC appallingly, and we can assume she did the same with everyone else. I feel for all her love interest victims and whilst I would have liked at least one of them to spill the beans I'm not surprised that they haven't. Monroe appears to be a dark and malevolent character with highly manipulative tendencies

Were it me I would just want to shoo her out the door and get rid too
 
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We joke about her many fiancĆ©es and yet never making it up the aisle, because imagining a Jack wedding is ā˜¹
- the buildup
- Jack actually would turn up, likely on time too. No last minute lie-ins, PTSD door knocker hiding, no Jaccident. Sheā€™d be there staking a legal claim on whichever poor sap has agreed to marry her.
- telling the photographer how to do their job
- hiring SBā€™s dad as photographer
- actually turning up in a boring-ass classic white wedding dress but wearing DMā€™s (edgy!)
- banning alcohol (did you know sheā€™s in recovery?)
- Big Choccoā€™s speech being neither short nor hilarious
 
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We joke about her many fiancĆ©es and yet never making it up the aisle, because imagining a Jack wedding is ā˜¹
- the buildup
- Jack actually would turn up, likely on time too. No last minute lie-ins, PTSD door knocker hiding, no Jaccident. Sheā€™d be there staking a legal claim on whichever poor sap has agreed to marry her.
- telling the photographer how to do their job
- hiring SBā€™s dad as photographer
- actually turning up in a boring-ass classic white wedding dress but wearing DMā€™s (edgy!)
- banning alcohol (did you know sheā€™s in recovery?)
- Big Choccoā€™s speech being neither short nor hilarious
Repre-enactment of actual scene from the front of the church, should she ever manage it
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Weā€™ve seen from the companies she followed on Insta what guest and LJCā€™s wedding would have looked like (she wanted an ā€œalternativeā€ type wedding and was following accounts with pictures of punky-looking brides) but with Harold she wanted middle class splendour and white lace cuz she has no sense of self, sheā€™ll do what she has to so she can lock them down
 
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I think youā€™d like Korean Billy
Yes!! Korean Billy is awesome. I think my favourite episode is "learn to speak roadman" šŸ¤£

Back on topic, what do we think guest's next reappearance will be? I'm thinking a Prince Harry bullshit story šŸ«£
 
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And SINGING! I expect she would have sung and danced the first dance all at the same time. While also giving a speech about how brilliant she is and how sheā€™s transformed their new spouseā€™s life.
Interspersed with that awful cackling laugh of hers. šŸ˜¬
 
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I bet she would do a speech - to be fair, I wouldn't judge her for that, I insisted on doing a speech at my own wedding too
 
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I bet she would do a speech - to be fair, I wouldn't judge her for that, I insisted on doing a speech at my own wedding too
Iā€™d pay to see that. I mean, most of the guests would be LJCā€™s friends, since Jack seems to have alienated everyone besides immediate family and SBā€™s dad. A mic in her hand and a room full of media types? Jack would be dying to give us the classic tale of unplugged fridges and more bread and jam mummy. But then Chocolate and Ev would be in the room, so how would she balance that? It would be two worlds colliding and sheā€™d have to tie herself in knots managing the lies.
 
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Yes!! Korean Billy is awesome. I think my favourite episode is "learn to speak roadman" šŸ¤£

Back on topic, what do we think guest's next reappearance will be? I'm thinking a Prince Harry bullshit story šŸ«£
I think sheā€™ll major on pets and the soft, gentle journey to ā€˜recoveryā€™. Playing the sympathy card and saying that her dogā€™s love helped her through the trauma.
 
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Iā€™d pay to see that. I mean, most of the guests would be LJCā€™s friends, since Jack seems to have alienated everyone besides immediate family and SBā€™s dad. A mic in her hand and a room full of media types? Jack would be dying to give us the classic tale of unplugged fridges and more bread and jam mummy. But then Chocolate and Ev would be in the room, so how would she balance that? It would be two worlds colliding and sheā€™d have to tie herself in knots managing the lies.
ā€œIt all started at my sisterā€™s wedding. No, not my actual sister, one of the feral foster kids. Where I got drunk and shagged my best friend. After poppy seeds in a curry made me forget I was gay ā€¦ā€
 
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multiple costume changes
a tit wonky self-baked cake
Jack martyring herself and deciding to do all the catering, meaning the menu would all be cold slop.
Id forgotten about the slasher-movie wellington
 
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