Jack Monroe #541 First do no honk

[rage naan]

Have him washed and brought to my tent.

But first, have him brought to mine. Before you do the washing part

Flip top head you say?

Spoiler

Don't kick the baby!

IMG_3827.jpeg

“my butchest biker jacket”. Fuck off, you lying fantasist.

“Pile of utter wank” (Pretty Woman: Throw Leggy under the bus edition) from @PineappleQueen19 for those who’ve never seen it

Jack Monroe #8 Grates meats, deletes tweets and when she denies it we've got the receipts.

Hey Lolly, it was Ruby Tandoh back at the start of last week: I hope jack gets a good telling off for this. I know she didn't write but she needs a word with her followers. I hope the show runners tell her to tell her followers to zip it or she's out the door. She moans about people on...

tattle.life

I'm one who'd never seen it. OMG.

Yeah. You tell us just how well your plan to have your "Ridiculous Things* hold their value is going. You toxic prune-addled simpleton.

*One, or, maybe, say, 27 things bought with each advance eh?

 

[Emmapism]

You know when the release date arrives that we have to create an early Monroe memoir ourselves. I'll expect chapters on the early years, the sudden swing from 15 amazing GCSEs to almost none, the 'expulsion'.....

It could be our finest work.

Go on go on go on go on etc....

 

[Five hundred dogs]

Thank you Valiofthedolls, you are doing wonderful work here today. I know her greater crimes are the grift, but it’s the sheer hilarious stupidity of her self aggrandising statements that keep me coming back. Her idea of what cool rebellion looks like is straight out of a BBC drama circa 1989 where a leather jacket, spiked hair and a few stick on tattoos was all you needed to let the audience know a character was a troubled, misunderstood youth.

 

[Nonah]

I googled “high heels and even higher hemlines” and you couldn’t make this up. From Harpers Bazaar 2014

 

[SouthendRealEstate]

Why did she need bus fare if she lived that far away from school? Is Southend council exempt from providing a means of getting there when a student lives further than a few miles (whether it's a school bus or a travel pass or a ticket)?

Ah, I think I can help here. The council’s rules only apply in the real world. HTH

 

[rage naan]

Got her pegged there. She'd also be shit boring telly. They want a watchable mix not a dullard talking about vienetta.

a dullard talking about vienetta.
Thread title nomination!

 

[Foxvint]

Just pondering the shit tattoos on Jacksie and was thinking, most of us know loads of people with tattoos. I've never met another person who has that many tattoos on her arms but none others elsewhere on her body? I could be totally wrong but most heavily tattooed people (women) I know have something elsewhere. Back, butt, thigh, ankle, leg, chest, etc. Is it as weird as I think?

As I say, I may just be a mithering ninny but it like most things she does it doesn't seem quite genuine and just discomforts me a bit.

Like those juice heads who only work out the tshirt muscles in the gym and their legs are like crutches.

 

[Lazarus]

Reading that dating profile has exhausted me.

Imagine reading that and thinking she’d be good to go on a date with?

My tinder profile 10 years ago was a blurb that consisted of a brief list of things that interested me, namely: a few bands, books, genre of films and style. I clicked with two people - one, a time waster and the other, my husband who pretty much had all the same interests.

I can’t ever imagine reading a profile like that and finding it appealing.

 

[WoolyMammoth]

Dr Dr Monroe. So utterly thick that she thinks a singular work by Peter Paul Rubens is known as a Ruben. See also: a singular tweet by OJ (not a murderer) is a Jone, a much loved Victorian work of fiction is a Dicken and a solitary Oh Yeah (with deer) by a much loved Welsh singer is a Tom Jone.
---

57 and a half weeks’ worth of food shopping, tenderstem. Over a year’s worth of food. But with the whisky stains, biro doodling and broken strap, it’s going to be worth much, much more than she paid for it. Investment, you see.
View attachment 2438399

£1150 at a savings rate of 4.75% (pretty easy to get now) would be:
£1204.62 next year.
£1261.84 year 2
£1321.78 year 3

In year 3 with a broken strap, biro marks and the marks of use, the perpetually available bayswater might be worth £50 max if the person buying it is not in need of a strap and likes pen graffiti.

So we've bought the bag to shield us from, ironically, the poverty of overconsumption.

Make it, make sense.

Though, for anyone who may have a little spare they could save, or a smol lump, look at the regular savings accounts which are paying in some cases 6-7% pa. They don't mount up quick because of the smol savings limits but it's a fab rate. Even if you manage to get yourself £1000 of emergency fund saved, and got a 4.8% rate, you'd be paid £48 a year interest, which works out as £4 a month "salary" that some money is earning for you. No effort on your part. Even if you had £500, enough for a new emergency washing machine, it would earn you £2 a month. For sitting there waiting for a crisis to help with. These aren't huge numbers, but they get really useful if you can keep it adding more over time. If you had £10k saved, you could be getting £40 a month for nothing. It's like an imaginary worker doing an extra minimum wage half day a month for you. I find it very motivating. You can start with £10 if that's all there is spare.

 

[Geetbo]

Maybe she’s going to devise some new bushtucker trials for im a celebrity? If I had to choose between eating a jackslop and a pig’s ringpiece I’d have to think about it.

 

[Shimmering]

She likes high heels and higher hemlines, except when it's time for the call handlers' passing out parade, then it's all about the humiliating trousers.

 

[Boogs]

I think of Jenny every day. Funny and kind person who brought so much to the Canal.
Upside down ninny hugs for you, Jenny. Wherever you are.

Me too, back in the day you can guarantee that if I laughed out loud and spat out my drink at a post it was usually one of Jenny’s

 

[Cookiecookie]

Just pondering the shit tattoos on Jacksie and was thinking, most of us know loads of people with tattoos. I've never met another person who has that many tattoos on her arms but none others elsewhere on her body? I could be totally wrong but most heavily tattooed people (women) I know have something elsewhere. Back, butt, thigh, ankle, leg, chest, etc. Is it as weird as I think?

As I say, I may just be a mithering ninny but it like most things she does it doesn't seem quite genuine and just discomforts me a bit.

We've seen enough of her backside in last year's thot shots on the banana lounge to know she probably doesn't have a massive arse tattoo like Cheryl Cole anyway.

Jack's are definitely just for show. She wants people to see them and be 'outraged' by a tattooed laydee. Of course, no one is outraged, because tattoos are so mainstream now. They just think hers are shit!

 

[RandomFishOils]

Happy One K Day everyone! I know that these happen every ten days or so, but each one gives me joy.

She’s lost over 24k Twitter followers over the course of a year. To put that in perspective, if it was a town it would be the fifth largest in East Sussex or the third largest in Shropshire. About the size of Skegness. Deserting her year by year.

As many people thought, she’s not going out with a bang, with a long, slow, sad decline, her influence dying and withering on the (not Sarah) vine.

 

[rage naan]

Fam I am disappoint, I hoped that the 14 miles was per week, as in, her school was one mile away. Oh well. She's still fibbing

Also a while ago I was looking for the massive portrait she mentioned having. Turns out it was on her Instagram all along

Instagram timewasting bonus: I have never seen this before

More bonus: wtf

 

[Nonah]

That’s it Nonah, stay with us, break the fever by making a ”who remembers wagon wheels?” stream of consciousness list. Spangles, Vesta chow mien, you can do it!

*clutches sweat-sodden sheets*
Chewits
Sherbet DibDabs
JAM ROLY POLY

 

[BeardyBap]

Love how Jack & bruv were walking three hours to school so they'd have money for Pokémon cards and sweets, yet she was also buying chips & coronation chicken?
And:
"Would you like a fork with that, little urchin?"
Dodger Jack: "Nah. Got fuckin fingers, don't I?"
Exit chip shop in a Cockanee fashion.

 

[Valiofthedolls]

A thumb ring? A fucking thumb ring? This is one of the things she considers edgy. She’s always just been a middle-aged, Tory, MC, boring fart trapped in a younger body, hasn’t she? She just googles ‘what do lesbians look like’ or some such shit and copies that. A thumb ring. I….I just can’t

But without her essential campaigning work, who will advocate for HANGING BASKETS for TENANTS? 24 year old Hyacinth Bucket on the case!

Two massive whopping lies in the first two sentences is quite some going, even by fantasist fuckwit’s standard. (Love that she expected a “Mr Jack” to buy her a fucking house even back then).

SS from @Mel Donte from this post where Jack claims to be doing not one but two OU degrees, one of which doesn’t actually even exist, and the other one PPE which she’s also lying about. Oh while insulting the fuck out of teachers everywhere and talking a load of self-satisfied old wank. Insufferable twat.

 

[Valiofthedolls]

The obsession with this jacket being "butch" makese laugh. A biker jacket has been a staple of women's fashion for years now. She really is some middle class, sheltered little dickhead who thinks that she's edgy as fuck. Only compared to a Laura Ashley clad nana you fucking melt.

 

[ChocolateMuffin]

What's the revelations about a past poster?!.. I've been chopping up my home grown plums for the radiators to make curry with this Christmas.