Jack Monroe #541 First do no honk

[Foxvint]

Guest tattoo mithering: can anyone remember when she got her first ones done? I was thinking about Amy Winehouse RIP, who died in 2011. At the time she did have a certain notoriety because of her shit tattoos (not to mention the booze) - I definitely remember articles taking about her "sailors tattoos" as a notable and unusual feature for the kind of singer she was. I wonder if that is also partly an inspiration for guest as she became famous - "ooh look a nice poor single mum with sailor tattoos who makes cheap slop - how unusual!"

I think she had a lot of them pre fame as shown on the photo on A Girl Called Jack but I'm convinced she lifted a lot of her persona in the early days from Amy. Listen to the cockney accent she affects at that teeth grindingly cringe Dangerous Poetry in contrast to her natural plummy middle class girl from the burbs accent that she allowed with Leggy. It's very Amy-esque as was the gobby boozy bad-girl persona she honed. She's a thief of characteristics too. She's periodically pushed the idea of herself as a singer and/or musician since the get go. I think she thought the world was her oyster with that and her fame would open all doors.

 

[CabalofBolorneaise]

My absolute favourite of Jack’s school stories is the pot of coronation chicken on the long, long walk home.

Jack’s Fascinating Stories
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Also, add to perfunctory perfectly ordinary things Jack thinks make her the most fascinating smol pixie that ever scampered the earth: liking coronation chicken as a kid “queer little thing I was”. Lol shut up you trite tit.

Spoiler: Mither

I was trying to find a gif of David Brent saying “I’m an anecdotalist” or similar so I typed fascinating anecdotalist into the search bar and Jack’s Funny Stories dominate
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She’s one of those people who’d be like “I know I shouldn’t because I’m an adult but I do like fish fingers” as if all food has arbitrary age limits.

 

[Be our guest]

According to Google maps the school is exactly 7 miles from big D’s house which presumably is what she means by 14 miles to and from - the round trip is 14 miles. She’s just worded it badly cos she’s thick.

And a 7 mile walk would take a pair of kids at least 2.5 hours each way so

Spoiler

she's lying

 

[BeardyBap]

Firmly in the "her income is just entirely frittered away" camp. She has no self-control, financially or otherwise. Ridiculous extravagance then stomach turning panic when the money runs out. It's there in Shattenstone:
What if you'd had a million pounds-
I'd have spent it, she interrupts.
As has been commented here before, that isn't poverty. And the solution isn't begging.
So, does she buy a round? It depends how soon after a payday the shindig is.

 

[The carlin]

An onion, just like your avatar. Or you could get a Slopbot? Make sure it's somewhere like your neck or forehead so everyone knows you're a bad gal.

Just pondering the shit tattoos on Jacksie and was thinking, most of us know loads of people with tattoos. I've never met another person who has that many tattoos on her arms but none others elsewhere on her body? I could be totally wrong but most heavily tattooed people (women) I know have something elsewhere. Back, butt, thigh, ankle, leg, chest, etc. Is it as weird as I think?

As I say, I may just be a mithering ninny but it like most things she does it doesn't seem quite genuine and just discomforts me a bit.

 

[camotea]

My OH (not LEFT, in fact married me last month) had to rinse a tin of beans yesterday He was making rice and peas and in an overheated, befuddled, dying-for-a-cold-beer state had accidentally bought kidney beans in chilli sauce from Aldi. I don’t like it when guest business encroaches into my IRL. Not as bad as when I nearly said ‘Fancy a pumble?’ rather than ‘Fancy a tumble?’ while seducing him the other day

 

[Nottonightbabe]

I’m not defending her ridiculous choice but wood is generally unfairly thought of as dirtier than metal or plastic.

one website about it said “To summarise, there is some evidence that micro-organisms have a lower survival rate on wooden surfaces compared to plastic or stainless steel but this does depend on several factors including the type of the micro-organism, the environment and the species of wood.”


She’s a dickhead, regardless!

Yes wood has antibacterial properties which is why it's a good chopping board material. Jack's rower is in the garage though so it's likely covered in old rabbit shit, dust and brambly mice droppings.

 

[phoebuscartel]

 

[WoolyMammoth]

I thought exactly this too and I don’t know why but it’s really wound me up.

Jack: I invest in expensive items as a safety net
Also Jack: I completely trash (and render worthless) expensive items I invest in as a safety net

She’s really boiling my fucking onions tonight and she’s doing it from the past.

"instead of having £500, which is 6 months worth of food shopping for me and whoever lives with me this week in savings in account I never use, perhaps with a passbook to make it more complex to access to prevent me wasting it, I've bought a bag that I've ruined".

Did anyone order a slow hand clap? Hello? One smol, slow hand clap?

 

[HotesTilaire]

Imagine reading that and thinking she’d be good to go on a date with?

My tinder profile 10 years ago was a blurb that consisted of a brief list of things that interested me, namely: a few bands, books, genre of films and style. I clicked with two people - one, a time waster and the other, my husband who pretty much had all the same interests.

I can’t ever imagine reading a profile like that and finding it appealing.

I remember the old days of My Single Friend.com, the beginning of internet dating. We were all so innocent, I didn’t even receive any dick pics.

She so wrote that profile herself.

 

[streby]

Must admit, I've never thought "oh, if only I could make beurre blanc, then I would know true happiness" but then I must also admit I'd never heard of it. Which is probably for the best, as it is not for likes of us. Whatever it is.

 

[Nonah]

Is this Mr Potato Head?

(He's in the public eye, speaking here at the Hay Festival in 2017, so I don't feel compromised by sharing this pic.)

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I mean, I can see the resemblance but the smooth version also looks like the man in the moon so WFK

(Yes, that’s him.)

 

[MurielSnark]

For @Nonah and everyone who's got Covid at the moment (which sounds like it's a lot of us!)


I met them thru a site on my Lenovo
Where we laughed at slops with suspicious ova

N-o-n-a-h

They popped up on screen and made me chuckle
Never knew their name but we would fuck-le
With Jack Monroe-la

N-n-n-n-o-n-a-h

Well, I'm not the world's most funniest Frau
But this canal really broke my frown

Ohhhhhh Nonahhhhh
Nonah has the 'Ronaaaaaahhhh

Well, I'm not dumb but I can't understand
Why Jack walks like a lezzer but still likes a man

Oh NONAH
Na-na-na-na-Nonah

Well, I'm not the world's most forensic Frau
But it's fun to lampoon the Jack grift show

Na-na-na-na-Nonah
S'gots the 'Rona
Na-na-na-na-Nonah

Girls will be boys and boys will be girls
It's a mixed up, muddled up, shook up world, including Monroe-nah

(with extremely humble apologies to The Kinks; I'm losing my mind in this heat)

 

[People-huv-tae-know]

Please remember dear tenderstem that poor people do not possess thumbs

When I were a lad (not really, I'm a laydee and I wear bright red lippy to make it obvious) I had to get my thumbs from a muddy puddle. Then I would attach them using carabinas and glue made of horse spunk. With these thumbs I could pull on my track suit bottoms, eat burgers all day and twiddle the knobs on my black and white telly until Jezza Kyle appeared. It was bliss.

 

[Witchfinder Sargeant]

Secondly, what is she ^doing^?!

Panicking, I hope. Watching her patreon income drop, watching her Twitter followers drop, realising she can't unlock to monetise her Twitter account because she'd get pasted, and she doesn't know how other platforms work and even if she did, she'd have to build the grift up from scratch and she doesn't know where to start. Realising that even if people aren't actively calling her out, there isn't the support out there that she'd previously been able to rely on, and people are quietly backing away. She's getting the odd gig but not enough and any company that announces they're working with her gets an absolute storm of abuse.

 

[Five hundred dogs]

I imagine all chapters are interchangeable so write what you like?! It could even be like Ketchup on your cornflakes where the pages are split so you can mix and match as you go.

Maybe it could be choose your own adventure style based on her inconsistencies. Turn to page 50 if you want Jack to pull a half eaten Big Mac out of a bin, turn to page 23 if Jack only considers taking the Big Mac out of the bin.

 

[Sideboard Bob]

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I mean she obviously wrote it herself but it’s fun to think of the person she asked to write it thoughtfully loading it with red flags and even successfully inhabiting her horrible writing style.

 

[SleevelessSlopSlinger]

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Poor Jack. The dating profile “her friends” wrote to find her some rich cock a new “Mr Jack” must not have been very successful. I can’t for the life of me think why
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Literally, whaddacunt.
View attachment 2436579Although to be fair to her for demonstrating some self awareness, because this does sound suitably fucking horrendous
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Scummy Single Mummy Does Dating: Echo & Gazette Column, 15th Jan 2013

The trouble with being professionally single is, well, it leaves you professionally single. When the greatest achievement on your CV is a double page spread in the national press for spending £10 a...

web.archive.org

Spoiler: Mither

Six wedding invitations <Sure, Jan>, taking my best friend who’s a TALL LADY. View attachment 2436581View attachment 2436582
Five months later: Boo hoo I am OPPRESSED and UpStAgE BrIdEs!!! View attachment 2436583View attachment 2436584Fantasist attention seeking twat.

“Excellent cook”. We need to add “excellent” to the list of words she doesn’t understand.

 

[CabalofBolorneaise]

I just cant fathom where the moneys gone. What does she have to show for it other than crap lip filler? No home, no car, no holidays, allegedly doesn't drink. Something was the trigger for that reckless HH2, some last ditch attempt at something and to me IVF would fit the bill and tick the boxes.

I think she has WAY more shit stuffed in the not so shitty bungalow than any of us know. The sideboards are pricy but they're also large and hard for her to hide. We've seen that super expensive sign she has, all the random designer things and I'd bet my last £1 that all those sideboards are stuffed fit to burst with other expensive random purchases, see also all the rooms we don't see. Along with her tramadol addiction (and possibly other substances) and having to give £10k to the TT that wasn't raised, the money can vanish incredibly quickly.

ETA: i think it was the 10k she had to give to the TT that caused her HH2 desperation. If she fritters like I suspect she does, she may well have had to scrimp that together.

 

[MaineCoonMama]

Sort of (thank🪐 you). But more like this

Spoiler

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On topic: Jack’s still a massive W

Have him washed and brought to my tent.