Jack Monroe #541 First do no honk

[Bugger13]

I’m a doctor. I’m not using my qualification as I now teach.
By which I mean I used to flick through a medical encyclopaedia my parents had & was encouraged to do so.
Shit, clumsy phrasing. I didn’t actually qualify as a doctor.

 

[rage naan]

57 and a half weeks’ worth of food shopping, tenderstem. Over a year’s worth of food. But with the whisky stains, biro doodling and broken strap, it’s going to be worth much, much more than she paid for it. Investment, you see.
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Hold on - maybe she thinks being owned by her will make it valuable again. Like how idiots will pay a fortune for a signed football shirt or whatever.

Oh this bag? Why's it on a plinth, you ask? Yes well it was once owned by the great TV chef and champion of the poor, Dr. Dr. Jack Monroe PhD PhD! Yes I know, I couldn't believe my luck! To think, her saintly heavily tattooed butch hands once fondled these very flaps - hands that had tattoos and made food for her lover and made love and worked 200 hour weeks to bring us the Vastly Bloated Insanity! Yes, that's Sainsbury's Basics whisky you can smell - but get a little closer and you'll get the soft, peripatetic scent of scant chickpeas (3p/100g) and plenty of black pepper! Yes, it was extremely expensive but well, it was an investment, you know. The V&A wanted it but I snapped it up because She Does So Much Good. Look inside - genuine pumble crumbs! Oh, but no, don't touch that bit- you'll smudge the biro doodles! I know, it's charming isn't it. It says "more jam mummy jam and bread mummy", isn't that adorable? Here, I'll pop it back in the humidor. Must make sure and preserve the integrity of those fingerprints - I'm told it's the only record in the world of hummus made with beetroot AND prunes! Sell it? I could never. Well... what were you thinking? I've got my eye on a cheeky Burberry scarf that's still stained from the puddle and is rumoured to contain genuine dried satsuma peel and table salt (2p, Asda Essentials)...

 

[Lazarus]

Nodding along in agreement about the suspicious new users. Ive ignored and reported one (about to ignore/report another) for the same things (incessant misery-me postings). It just feels a bit unusual and I can’t put my finger on it.

anyway I’m leaving it here because it isn’t fair to speculate and detail the whole thread with speculations.

 

[Five hundred dogs]

Kermit the frog has an honorary degree https://muppet.fandom.com/wiki/Doctor_of_Amphibious_Letters which is still considerably less ridiculous than Jack’s.

 

[Foxvint]

The supermarkets could always pay parasite shareholders slightly less to freeze the cos of the basics range but that's apparently inconceivable.

I object to being asked 3 times per shop to donate to this and that in a COL crisis in all honesty. I'm on a budget and haven't had a pay rise in 2 years. No i don't want to round up the cost of my basket that's a 3rd more than last year to donate at the till. Or be accosted by a charity salesperson shouting ello smiler at me as I walk out. It's tone deaf in these times. Especially in deprived working class areas. If I want to donate my pittance of disposable income to a charity I'll do some research and find one that serves a cause close to my heart. Mr Tesco CEO can donate his massive bonus, not nag me for my overdraft.

 

[nothanksbabes]

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“my butchest biker jacket”. Fuck off, you lying fantasist.
View attachment 2436371View attachment 2436372View attachment 2436374View attachment 2436373View attachment 2436375View attachment 2436376View attachment 2436377
“I took it off and never wore it again”. Except for all the times when I actually did wear it again and had my actual fucking picture taken while wearing it again. View attachment 2436405View attachment 2436384Clothes make her “look like a lesbian”, my fucking arse. She gives me the absolute rage.
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“Pile of utter wank” (Pretty Woman: Throw Leggy under the bus edition) from @PineappleQueen19 for those who’ve never seen it

Jack Monroe #8 Grates meats, deletes tweets and when she denies it we've got the receipts.

Hey Lolly, it was Ruby Tandoh back at the start of last week: I hope jack gets a good telling off for this. I know she didn't write but she needs a word with her followers. I hope the show runners tell her to tell her followers to zip it or she's out the door. She moans about people on...

tattle.life

The obsession with this jacket being "butch" makese laugh. A biker jacket has been a staple of women's fashion for years now. She really is some middle class, sheltered little dickhead who thinks that she's edgy as fuck. Only compared to a Laura Ashley clad nana you fucking melt.

 

[BlendedSlop]

It's so hot Jack will be down to her sorts bra rubbing frozen spinach over her face

Either that or

Spoiler: Old tweets. Seriously grim.

lying naked on the sofa dipping cheese slices in melted butter

SS originally by @Nottonightbabe and @People-huv-tae-know

Just realised that this was the first time she compared herself to a Ruben painting AND she yet again called herself butch. Not an original thought in her head. She's such an attention-seeking tedious twat.

 

[Valiofthedolls]

Hang on a minute. Jack COULD get her own pot of coronation chicken from the corner shop for the long (long) walk home.

But her BROTHER had to buy her Chomp bars from the corner shop because she was PAINFULLY SHY?

FFS “I wear sunglasses on the tube”. Chill the fuck out, Norma Desmond.

 

[Valiofthedolls]

And presumably buy the chips as well... but wasn't she meant to be anorexic at the time and has complained people didn't notice she wasn't eating?? The fact she was eating a whole tub of coronation chicken over chips regularly perhaps explains that. Or am I getting the lies muddled again?

Spoiler: ED & ref to self harm/CSA

Ah yes, in 2013 15 year old Jack was greedy guzzling down dolcelatte walnut vermouth pasta

2016 teenage Jack walked the long long walk to and from school because= eating disorder (SEVERE) and the same 15 year old Jack who greedy guzzled the dolcelatte pasta had a 20 inch waist.

By 2018 though, teenage Jack walked the exact same long long walk so she could afford her lovely lovely pot of coronation chicken and chips

By Shattenstone though, she was an anorexic teenager again and was MAGICALLY CURED BY PIES!

Except she’d already told Twitter in 2022 that she was CURED BY THE FIRE SERVICE before she got pregnant and took the “pie cure”, oh and that her ED started when she was nine not twelve as she told Shattenstone not even a year later.

ETA here’s where she said she stopped eating at age 9

Also, 2016 remained “prepubescent” until she started getting better as an adult and suddenly grew tits

2015 hated her breast since puberty and started binding them at school.

she’s a fucking disgusting dangerous liar and there is nothing she will not lie about or weaponize.

 

[rage naan]

I have work to do, so I made this instead. I was going for a rainbow - slopbow? but orange prevails on the Jackstagram

 

[ForgettyBetty]

I just came home with the shopping, fuck me it’s humid. As I was taking stuff out of the bags to put it in the fridge, I thought of Jack and her £20 weekly top up shopping and the flat lay she done 🫣 Jack, I’m scarlet for you (again).
I decided to do a flat lay of my own. About £39. I hope you all appreciate this M&S/Lidl mash-up.
Patreon details to follow, where I can give more detail on the quarter-hack and my half day of preparation for this moment.

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9/10 ... You forgot to get the strawberries out of the packet and line them up an inch apart

 

[Auntyanchïoade]

Popping up my state of permanent lurkdom these days, to show you what just popped up as a you.gov survey question this morning.
Back to lurking whilst we await a chaoi (always here for you fraus if you need your resident canal Train drivers input though) Toot Toot!

 

[Foxvint]

Fuck the Guardian.

they applauded that unspeakable dickweed Owen Jones bullying Suzanne Moore and Hadley Freeman off the paper.

Katherine Viner pays herself over half a million pounds, pays her shit husband to write terrible columns, and begs readers for money.

They pay awful, awful 'journalists' like Rhiannon Lucy Laura Zoe Ellie Mae Coslett o'hagan Snape Williams to write meaningless shite.

Thanks to Seumas Milne, they drove forward and built up the most sustained and intense antisemitic political campaign I've ever experienced.

Fuck fuck fuck the Guardian. Fucking cunts.

the way they act as an officer class telling the actual working class what we should be concerned about while you know their journos wouldn't give up 1 iota of their own privilege to make room for our kids.

 

[SouthendRealEstate]

Don’t forget the SHORT HAIR and SLEEVE TATTOOSView attachment 2436482
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“Not exactly a stereotype” Well, quite you “edgy” fucking dullard.
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A thumb ring? A fucking thumb ring? This is one of the things she considers edgy. She’s always just been a middle-aged, Tory, MC, boring fart trapped in a younger body, hasn’t she? She just googles ‘what do lesbians look like’ or some such shit and copies that. A thumb ring. I….I just can’t

 

[Valiofthedolls]

Not entirely sure why I've squigged this. It's so obviously guset. Just two or three followers/following and has only been active since June.

(Quick game of charades. Two words. First word: a make of custard, might have a beak or chirp. Add a y. Second word: Simpsons first born.)

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Oh no, Jack! Not ill-mannered!? Words fail me. I hope this hater gets a decent custodial sentence to wipe the grin off her face!

Brigadier General Sir Insufferable Pompous-OldPrick (retired) needs to write to “THE NEWSPAPERS” about this deeply unpleasant behaviour, STAT! (And I hope you make headline letter again).

Spoiler

I WISH TO PUNCH THE NEWSPAPER STAND!

11 years ago, days after her 24th birthday. An insufferable prick for over a decade.

 

[Valiofthedolls]

I’d love to see the ‘acceptance speech’ for that. Wobbly voice, eyes darting, repeated mentions of the pov, all about her, nowt about the students whose day it actually is

There’s this. Which at 54 seconds is more than enough/at least 54 seconds too much

I’m in a mood. As a real Dr Phd who worked their absolute arse off for it, that fucking graduation picture of this gormless twat gives be the absolute rage. I think I need to go and touch some grass. Or as it’s the middle of the night, go and look at pictures of gigantic blonde football players on the internet for a bit. I already feel better just thinking about it.

 

[Nonah]

Those wooden rowing machines make me think of men with handlebar moustaches wearing woollen unitards.

 

[Seaford Haggington]

£1k+ rowing machine yet she's taking out light bulbs. Rattle, rattle. Foul conwoman.

 

[Naboo The Enigma]

I find it weird as well. I'm heavily tattooed, started off with ankles, shoulders, stomach... that kind of thing. It took me a long time to start getting my sleeves done as it's such a visible area I wanted to be %100 sure, also finding an artist I was comfortable with was paramount.

I think most people put a lot of thought into placement as well don't they? Some of mine are cover ups of scars, some are in a specific place just because they "fit" better aesthetically. I have my late cat's pawprint on my thigh, because he always used to sit next to me and would put his paw on my leg when he wanted attention. .

And the people that I know who have sleeves are, as others have said, tattooed in other places, or the sleeves have a specific theme that is meaningful to them, or are at least coherent. Hers are just random and terrible.

 

[Nurseali]

She’s a fuddy duddy trapped in a young woman’s body.

Too early for thread title noms but I feel rebellious today , I might buy a biker jacket to fit my mood. Be a butch bitch.