Jack Monroe #541 First do no honk

[Mrs Peel]

Nodding along in agreement about the suspicious new users. Ive ignored and reported one (about to ignore/report another) for the same things (incessant misery-me postings). It just feels a bit unusual and I can’t put my finger on it.

anyway I’m leaving it here because it isn’t fair to speculate and detail the whole thread with speculations.

I miss Jenny Numbers. I really really hope she's doing okay

 

[Never would have guest]

Not been in a good place last few days so a lot of catching up to do.
One of my cats got hit by a car and we had to make the difficult decision to have him put to sleep. He was just a baby. The whole situation was just terrible and while I know we did the right thing, letting him go being loved and cuddled and talked to. I'm just an awful mess.

Just how Jack could watch that poor kitten suffer and then monetize it? Makes me livid.

Sorry for the depressing post.

 

[Lazarus]

9/10 ... You forgot to get the strawberries out of the packet and line them up an inch apart

That’ll be on my exclusive Patreon content, and high tier subscribers will get to see things laid out differently, categorised into protein, carb, fibre and then treats and snacks.
This shopping is enough for me, my husband, our next door neighbour on the left who’s an early 60s ex air hostess with a VERY LARGE appetite, and our next door neighbour to the right who has an unidentified profession but he works VERY LONG hours.
I’ll be revealing his profession on my Patreon too.

there’s going to be photocards (framed) of the strawberries lined up by size order for those interested.

I’ll be writing a blog piece about the reduced things I got from M&S; that’s coming up just as soon as I’ve finished my piece on Jacinda Ardern.

please don’t publicly ask for delivery dates as there is a large group of bored housewives following me round the internet looking to make my whole existence a living nightmare. If it wasn’t for a very large, and extremely private, closely guarded group of extra close friends and family holding me up, I can’t think where I’d currently be in my sobriety journey.
Thankyou.

 

[SouthendRealEstate]

I'm impressed, I thought it would be brown...all the slop is brown (to the tune of California dreaming)

All the slop is brown
And the cake is grey
I’ve been for a 25,000 step walk
On a ‘staying in’ day
I’d be rich and warm
If I was with LJ
Bungamansion dreaming
On a final edits day

 

[Hollaaa]

You never see Delia Smith tweeting about sad bastards crywanking into her DMs, do you?

 

[SharkAttack]

'I thought beurre blanc was for other people', she sobbed.

God just reading that has moved me to tears. The injustice in the world.

Thankyou for all you do, Saint Jack [exit stage left,wiping away tears].

 

[Lazarus]

I just came home with the shopping, fuck me it’s humid. As I was taking stuff out of the bags to put it in the fridge, I thought of Jack and her £20 weekly top up shopping and the flat lay she done 🫣 Jack, I’m scarlet for you (again).
I decided to do a flat lay of my own. About £39. I hope you all appreciate this M&S/Lidl mash-up.
Patreon details to follow, where I can give more detail on the quarter-hack and my half day of preparation for this moment.

 

[Mrs Peel]

A long time ago I shared some slightly warm tea about my friend who knows guest.

They are a Southend native and didn't have anything good to say about her. I didn't know how long the family had lived in the area but I just discovered that their Mum went to Westcliff many many years ago so they have strong roots there.

My friend is closer in age to Big D and Ev than guest, and their Mum would probably be a bit younger than the Greek landlord who apparently housed every homeless person in Southend.

Anyway, I think I'll have a chat with Mum one of these days. She's extremely savvy and I think there will be strong tea to be had.

 

[Valiofthedolls]

A thumb ring? A fucking thumb ring? This is one of the things she considers edgy. She’s always just been a middle-aged, Tory, MC, boring fart trapped in a younger body, hasn’t she? She just googles ‘what do lesbians look like’ or some such shit and copies that. A thumb ring. I….I just can’t

“Google, what do 25 year old young spiky haired louts (in mid-2013) look like?”

Spoiler

 

[VielleFemme]

Fuck the Guardian.

they applauded that unspeakable dickweed Owen Jones bullying Suzanne Moore and Hadley Freeman off the paper.

Katherine Viner pays herself over half a million pounds, pays her shit husband to write terrible columns, and begs readers for money.

They pay awful, awful 'journalists' like Rhiannon Lucy Laura Zoe Ellie Mae Coslett o'hagan Snape Williams to write meaningless shite.

Thanks to Seumas Milne, they drove forward and built up the most sustained and intense antisemitic political campaign I've ever experienced.

Fuck fuck fuck the Guardian. Fucking cunts.

 

[MaineCoonMama]

I miss Jenny Numbers. I really really hope she's doing okay

I think of Jenny every day. Funny and kind person who brought so much to the Canal.
Upside down ninny hugs for you, Jenny. Wherever you are.

 

[Valiofthedolls]

You know when the release date arrives that we have to create an early Monroe memoir ourselves. I'll expect chapters on the early years, the sudden swing from 15 amazing GCSEs to almost none, the 'expulsion'.....

It could be our finest work.

Go on go on go on go on etc....

My absolute favourite of Jack’s school stories is the pot of coronation chicken on the long, long walk home.

Jack’s Fascinating Stories

Also, add to perfunctory perfectly ordinary things Jack thinks make her the most fascinating smol pixie that ever scampered the earth: liking coronation chicken as a kid “queer little thing I was”. Lol shut up you trite tit.

Spoiler: Mither

I was trying to find a gif of David Brent saying “I’m an anecdotalist” or similar so I typed fascinating anecdotalist into the search bar and Jack’s Funny Stories dominate

 

[traumatised sideboard]

Thread title is @griftalo's words slightly modified and nominated by @Five hundred dogs you both win a full colour portrait tattoo of guest, redeemable at Stevie Wonder's Tat Shack.

In the previous thread: guest is still AWOL, the canal continues to mither in her absence.

When nominating thread titles please use the words 'thread title' and no swearing. For newbies the wiki is the pink button up top.

 

[Marmalade Atkins]

Jack has turned down I'm a Celeb every time they've asked.

Lol

Apologies if this has already been posted. I searched before posting.

 

[TheBarchesterChronicles]

“I hate to pull rank here pal”

She’s so embarrassing. How could anyone say that and not instantly implode.

 

[Foxvint]

As Dido put it "you think you're complicated / deep mystery to all / but it's taken me a while to see / you're not so special / all energy no meaning / with a lot of words / you think misery will make you stand / apart from the crowd / well if you'd walked past me today / I wouldn't have picked you out"

I blame social media for the amount of Main Characters we have now. It's as though people are performing their lives rather than living them. A plate of food is put in front of them and the phone immediately comes out to post it. Photos are no longer for remembering a great day with friends but for peacocking your fabulous life where you're having all of the fun. I'm convinced certain events are only for social media like these godawful gender reveals that are suddenly a thing. All for those ego stroking likes. So many people aren’t present in their own lives anymore, they're just recording them. At a concert that artist they love is right in front of them and they're still looking at them through a screen to post their clips later.

The dopamine hits and validation is the real addiction someone like Jack has. You can curate an online life that bears no relation to your real one as she's done for a decade with her bae caught me sleeping/tangle of limbs/SB insisted on taking this pic/fake anecdotes.

I've wondered whether we're doing something similar to SM on here but I don't think we are. We're anon, we don't know each others names or faces and the posts aren't even about us let alone about show boating the life we want people to see.

 

[Valiofthedolls]

People have mithered about her fucking up her exams because she’s lazy, I put it to you that it’s solely because she is a bit thick (on top of a huge ego).

As they say “in legal parlance”, Case Closed.

Spoiler

 

[TurnedUpInTipp]

Oooh falafel!

I loved Ultravox.

 

[Valiofthedolls]

Sorry to be a nuisance but what the flippety flip is a ‘reluctant’ four and a half GCSEs?

View attachment 2436830

It’s sort of like a few scant DVDs

A luxuriating Deathbed Leek

From a disparate fridge

Peripatetic RBG

Or sex pasta that’s become eponymous, to Jack, with falling in love.

Helpfully Jack is here to describe her process for us all.

in a way that is impossible to describe.

 

[jordishaw]

It's lovely scrolling through pictures from last night's Guild of Food Writers Awards dinner and seeing people celebrating some real achievements (like Olia Hercules receiving a special award for Food for Ukraine). And not a single mention of Jack Monroe, Thrifty Kitchen, and all the good that it has done.