Jack Monroe #335 Boob, I guess

[Orphan_Black]

I hope Asda Shoeburyness bans her for threating their butter tubs.

 

[Lazarus]

I got a shock at the price of Lurpak so ordered Sainsbury's own brand equivalent instead and I hate it now I have a massive thing of butter I hate but don't want to waste

Bake cakes, put it in mash, kids sarnies, anything. Butter your snakes with it, just get rid of it and get back on the good gear.
pay cheap, pay twice as my mum says

 

[Hollaaa]

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The law? Completed it pal

In the words of all the mums in my street circa 1985, if Jack Monroe told you to jump off the motorway bridge, would you do it?

 

[Smeghead]

I can’t actually believe she’s encouraging people to shoplift, she’s off her rocker. She really doesn’t understand how vulnerable and easily swayed some people are.

 

[Griftymcgriftface]

It’s bleeping ok for her in her millionaire’s row house.

 

[Boyo]

Evening guys. Now, I’ve not really been on here today cos BUSY but I’ve just sneaked a look and….is she….I mean….she can’t…..but….is she promoting shoplifting in a transparent and desperate effort to go viral?

 

[TurnedUpInTipp]

This paragraph has really given me rage. How dare she be so patronising to those who are trying to something to help and contribute to helping others. These people do more in a week Jack than you have done in you 10 year career! I used to volunteer at a food bank and honestly everyone there just wants to help and support those who need it. They listened to those who had been referred with sensitivity and kindness that Jack severely lacks.
What a patronising, egotistical arse she really is.

Grunking and apologies if this lands awkwardly but I've worked in some really tough schools plus a PRU and I feel like I need to phone a parent to come get their kid before they do something REALLY awful after reading that.
Same feeling in my stomach.

 

[TheDragonWithAFlagon]

Coming Soon:

[howl] [wail] [sniff] I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! That CAPITALIST FAT CAT ASDA Manager has banned me from the Shoeburyness branch! The BASTARD WANTS ME DEAD! MY SB IS GOING TO STARVE!

[Pls send Ocados, KTHXBAI]

 

[Griftymcgriftface]

Evening guys. Now, I’ve not really been on here today cos BUSY but I’ve just sneaked a look and….is she….I mean….she can’t…..but….is she promoting shoplifting in a transparent and desperate effort to go viral?

I hope so. Please let it go viral!

 

[Jelly Bean]

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She's still RAGING about being called a capitalist which gives me an idea for a thread title: Jack Monroe Rampant Capitalist.

And how is Jack telling other people to steal things in anyway a gotcha to being called a rampant capitalist?
Being a shoplifter doesn't inherently make you anti capitalist. Her daft research into her daft politics book should have helped her work that out.
So pleased that particular barb by the squig has made her so annoyed Truth hurts.

 

[Sideboard Bob]

Anyway. Has she actually put the news on tonight, or looked at anything except her own Twatter? Political Commentator my arse.

I genuinely don’t think she has any idea, it’s baffling.

I know it was in a different country, but but it’s like when the Capitol Hill riots were happening, and everyone else was tweeting about that, and Jack decided to post her crying pic to Rishmate.

 

[Feck]

I made a Pumble. Full (long) review below.

Spoiler: Let's get ready to pumble!

First of all, I apologise for the quality of my photos. Unlike Jack, I did not want to make this during daylight hours for the natural light. Please leave me and my obese cat alone.

Lest we forget, this is a pumble:

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Jack says:

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The published recipe is for pear pumble (this will become interesting later). Jack claims this is good for kids. I am not a mother, but I don't think so - when I was a kid I liked mixing things and decorating things, and the pumble involves neither of these skills, AND requires you to finely slice ingredients. Just make some brownies or cookies or something FFS.

I assembled my ingredients...

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...and got to work.

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We're off to a bad start. This is a very confusing direction. I took out an old loaf tin and hoped for the best.

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Thank yoi for your forensic attention to detail, Jack.

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I sliced my pears. It did not take long. In fact, it took me longer to read that paragraph, which is mostly Jack showing off about knowing something a bit sciencey, than it did to follow the step.

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My pears looked...large. I sliced them as directed, but I felt that small chunks would make more sense? This does not look like it will be particularly easy to serve and eat. But who am I to question a literal food expert?

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I am nothing if not forensic, so I used proper measuring spoons:

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There was no instruction to stir things round a bit, so I ended up with my top layer of pears looking like this:

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Despite my concerns about excessive cinnamon, I put the pears into the oven and continued.

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I am not a beach music festival, so I do not own any plastic shot glasses. I do have some cookie cutters though, including Cable favourites like horses, dinosaurs, and bunnies (RIP):

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Neither milk nor oil appear in the meticulous, forensic list of ingredients. I had oil but not milk so I did my best, not wanting flaccid, pale horses (no good for béchamel).

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And then I anxiously waited for it to come out of the oven.

Finally, it was time. My pears looked caramelised and delicious:

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...no wait, that's just the cinnamon.

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My pears had not softened all that much - they still had far more bite than you'd want from a crumble filling. But it was pumble time.

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Um.

How horrendously tit does that look?

Jack does not make any serving suggestions, but I accompanied my pumble with some homemade ice cream. This way I would be sure something on the plate tasted good. Plus, it's my ratafia (a Catalan licor) ice cream, and I figured alcohol might help the pumble-munching process.

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It was...not great. The pastry tasted like, well, pastry. Because it was not baked like a pie, the pastry had not absorbed any fruity flavour. The pear skin meant there was no way the pears would soften to a crumble filling texture. The top layer of pears was overspiced; the rest were bland. The size of the slices made it awkward to eat. It wouldn't make you hurl, but it's just a bad dish.

My boyfriend said it was the best thing he'd ever eaten and sent photos to his friends' whatsapp group was perplexed. I told him it was a typical English dessert (sorry English Frauen) and he looked unimpressed. He politely ate his portion. Neither of us wanted seconds.

The ice cream? Superb.

Let's take another look at the original:

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As you can clearly see, Jack has put a rim of raw pastry on her pie dish and baked it like that - not mentioned in the recipe.

She also names this as BANOFFEE pumble. Not pear. I wonder if she ever actually made the pear pumble. No photos of it exist. There are major structural issues due to the sliced, not diced, pears. It's a really bad recipe.

So how does the SAME photo go from Banoffee Pumble on Jack's Insta to Pear Pumble on her blog a day later? That, my friends, is a mystery...could pears be cheaper to price? Easier to write up? Is she just a big old lying liar who lies?

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SHAN'T.

Please release an adjacent cookbook trialing all of Jack's recipes with a view to pitching the idea to Channel 4.

 

[Nottonightbabe]

Title of Jack's memoirs book - Confessions of a Bag Sh1tter.

 

[Mr Krabs]

Which country is it where you're prosecuted and subsequently imprisoned for nicking a tub of Lurpak? What the duck is designer butter? Marc Jacobs Lurpak by Lurpak, for Lurpak Ltd? Does she mean artisan? I am perplexed. As always, more questions than answeros.

Edit: I don't think Lurpak is artisan, it's premium. I don't even eat butter, wtf am I on about.

I don’t think most places even bother chasing shoplifters anymore. It’s a bit of a health and safety hazard. When I worked in a shop we were told under no circumstances to try and stop shoplifters, and to report it to the police. They’d never bother investigating. And unless you’re a serial offender you’re not getting chucked in jail. There’s no Jean Valjean getting 20 years of labour for stealing a loaf of bread.

 

[Onestorytoomany]

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She's still RAGING about being called a capitalist which gives me an idea for a thread title: Jack Monroe Rampant Capitalist.

She is certainly a rampant something and it ain't a rabbit.

I buy the Tesco lurpac knock-off it's like 2 quid. Also it goes to show you how shady she is, stealing should never been encouraged see also lying.

You would think a former Sunday school teacher would know hercommandments moral code.

 

[FrumpyCat]

Yeah Jack, usually when I see someone shoplifting I attempt a citizens arrest and gather an angry mob around the thief to chant "WHITE TRASH SHOULDN'T BREED" as we wait for the police to arrive. However thanks to this significant intervention I shall now look the other way.

Or in the case of pilfered tampoons - White Trash shouldn't bleed!

 

[Dogmuck]

oh hello - your move Monroe

 

[jenny2603]

Or in the case of pilfered tampoons - White Trash shouldn't bleed!

Oh I'm not totally heartless. I'd tear them off a bit of my Metro provided I'd read it first.

 

[MarzBarzie]

Is anyone else tickled at the idea of Jack pacing around the not so crappy bungalow, trying to come up with her latest viral Twitter whifflery?

(Thanks Susie )

Writing from the past but she is definitely going to try and go viral and capitalise on tonight’s political upset. It’s Monroe Style Lesson One. I’m only at 8pm and it’s nearly 11pm so I’m a-grunking.

 

[Clovis]

What a prune.