Trips over the llama doorstep and head first into the rag rug, inhaling multiple fibres and leaving her with “brown lung”I might resume my countdown now that we have a new extended deadline for the book. 9 days Jack. 9 days.
What calamity do we think will befall Jack in the next 9 days that will stop the poor thing from delivering on time? I think she will be decluttering her minimal and neat home and will fall and land on her hand, specifically the one she writes with.
Place your bets!
Jack Monroe #139 Paging Dr Monroe
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I think it's going to be a boring one sadly - long covid is going to make another appearanceI might resume my countdown now that we have a new extended deadline for the book. 9 days Jack. 9 days.
What calamity do we think will befall Jack in the next 9 days that will stop the poor thing from delivering on time? I think she will be decluttering her minimal and neat home and will fall and land on her hand, specifically the one she writes with.
Place your bets!
Love her hot takes on Marilyn Monroe last night. She's definitely the type of simpleton to be drawn in by those clickbait pop sugar listicles you see at the bottom of websites 'you wouldn't BELIEVE what this celeb looks like now'
Welcome!
Regarding demented fuckery, I regret to inform you that yes absolutely, it is always like this. Some weeks are much worse...
British Goop is awesome. The one using pots of cat litter to hold candles in around your bath might appeal to Jack!
I don't know the ins and outs of the book world, but some of the squigs suggestions are just wtf. Can you imagine presenting a manuscript UHU'd into a 50p scrapbook from Wilko's? Actually, I would love it if she did
I don't know the ins and outs of the book world, but some of the squigs suggestions are just wtf. Can you imagine presenting a manuscript UHU'd into a 50p scrapbook from Wilko's? Actually, I would love it if she did
welcome @SlopAmbsase... one of us one of us!
I think I’ve been here about 6 months and it’s probably only bonkers about 6 days a week.
Welcome @SlopAmbsase
I would sadly agree with @Nottonightbabe... this is comparatively a quiet week for our Dear Heart
I would sadly agree with @Nottonightbabe... this is comparatively a quiet week for our Dear Heart
You had me at “angry vegan squiggle.”
You know you are in the right place when your phone recognises “squiggle”.
Btw, I really hope LMc responds soon, the tunnel iron cannot cope with another weekend like the last one after the Guardian/Observer debacle.
#whyistherealwayssomuchironing
#ithinkiamironingsomeoftheseclothestwice
#stopwiththefuckinghashtags
Hello @SlopAmbsase!!! "Demented fuckery" made me laugh!! I hope you manage to read back in the older threads....Just mind boggling!!!
Welcome @SlopAmbsaseWelcome @SlopAmbsase
I would sadly agree with the @Nottonightbabe... this is comparatively a quiet week for our Dear Heart
as always, make sure you check out the infamous Thread #31 where Jack graces us with her delightful presence!
I thought she originally did hand in a greasy handwritten notebook for A Girl Called Jack? It's one of her many "too poor and common to fit in" anecdotes...surprised she didn't mention it last night, it would actually be relevant to the conversation.
(if it happened)
(which it didn't)
(if it happened)
(which it didn't)
I’d forgotten all about her and her fringe!
Thanks Poca! So glad I’ve been working behind the scenes with you. I’ve not publicly said so before because I’m a very ‘umble (wo)mannn [much like UriahJack HeapMonroe] but I wasn’t invited to sign the thread recaps so I have to say - they’re all very well and good but are they helping anyone? I actually have founded a hashtag #LowRumbleFingerclick - I’m just thinking of the children.Another thread title for @SoulRebelyou’re on a roll! And credit to @ReginaPhalangee for the words. Your joint prize: a chance to submit your best frugal tips to Jack’s latest quixotic opus (fee/credit: none whatsoever).
Recap of thread #138
- She continued to be a point of contention on the Linda McCartney Instagram page.
- Monopoly Jack was here.
- Her rag rug is the stuff of nightmares.
- Then we had Mug Jack.
- She was on James O’Brien’s podcast.
- She filters oil because she’s ‘super frugal’.
- Thunderclap, she does not know her. She seems to have forgotten her own hashtag.
- She promises Cookbook 7 will be ‘like a modern day Mrs Beeton x Mrs Hinch but without the parakeet pie and steam cleaner’.
- She’s ten days off deadline but she wants to ‘garner lots of fave frugal hacks and tips’ from people who ... actually have needed to be frugal.
For new joiners to the thread, here is @Passive_Aggressive_Lemon ‘s ‘Jack for Dummies’ post (edited to include updated info):
Thought it might be useful for new followers to have a post at the start of each thread with some info.
Limegoss article about Jack versus Jamie Oliver : https://limegoss.com/jack-monroe-jamie-oliver/
Thread #31 is the infamous one in which Jack turns up to talk to us directly. She makes her appearance on p. 17.
For anyone wanting to relive the glory days of her two-week stint on Daily Kitchen Live (DKL), have a grunk a through threads 2-9.
*** JACKISMS ***
Jack’s most oft-used reply to questions on recipe substitutions:
Yes, absolutely x
Some other favourite Jack quotes:
‘Babe, same’
‘I did a chaos’
‘My maverick brain’
‘My sad little face’
‘I’m BUSY’
‘I HOOTED / I am FIZZING’
‘I laughed up a lung’
** NEW **
‘Literally hella embarrassed AF’ about ‘Brexit and flip-flopping Covid flippancy’ and she ‘didn’t even vote for it’.
She likes to describe herself as ‘puppyishly honest and naively enthusiastic’
As of late November 2020, Jack conceded she is not poor, but living to a budget as she is saving for a forever home for her and SB.
*****
One of Jack’s followers once referred to Tattlers as sad hausfraus and Jack herself has likened us to a cabal. Therefore we have become the Cabal of Hausfraus™️. She also recently referred to us as ‘gossip mavens’ (so, we are gossip trusted experts). ** Recent additions to her terms of endearment for Tattle: conspiracy wankers, obsessive groups of completely unhinged bullies, bullying ninnies, and malign, vicious bullies **
To ‘GrunkaLunka’ your way through a thread means to catch up on posts. Named after a member who rather epically caught up on many threads in a short period of time (and is also a fearless pioneer of the space-time continuum. She really was here both Now and Then).
Jack once threatened to use her Liam Neeson skills to TRIANGULATE our whereabouts in order to intimidate us, so that’s what we mean by that. * She may also threaten to take us to court - do not be afraid, this is not the first time and it won’t be the last. *
Jack once sideboard modelled a Vivienne Westwood dress, seeming to infer that it’s what Viv would have wanted (as if she were dead), and then got snippy when corrected otherwise. There may be some ‘RIP Viv’ jokes (she is, of course, NOT dead)
We sometimes joke about being on Vladimir Putin’s bitcoin payroll list for being evil trolls.
During her stint on Daily Kitchen Live, Jack produced a godawful looking lasagne, with a thin white sauce that never thickened up, just disappeared. It was widely likened to ‘horse spunk’ - there may be some horse ‘spirit’ lasagne jokes.
Her last-uttered line to Matt Tebutt on DKL was: ‘Thank you so Matt much, Matt’, which made us all HOOT.
Jack ended a tweet that listed her (not unimpressive) four-and-a-half GCSE results (A*, A, B, B, C) with: ‘Now duck off’. We sometimes like to use this in our own posts for comedic effect. We are NOT telling other fraus to duck off, simply paying homage to Jack’s own genteel humour.
*Back in the mists of time, one funny frau used a Jimmy Nail ‘She’s Lying’ picture to illustrate their thoughts on one of Jack’s latest tales. @Alpha Beta thought it was Novak Djokovic, the cabal hooted and Novak Nail was born. You may see reference to Jimmy Nail, Novak Djokovic, or the combination of both: Novak Nail. All demonstrate that she’s lying.*
Also:
[*][*][*]
- She grew up in a 5-bed (mortgaged/owned) house
- She got a £4.5k Omega watch for her 21st birthday
- Her dad's a bleeping LANDLORD (an oldy, but a goody)
- Jack and Louisa are no longer in a relationship - in Jack’s words: ‘She [Louisa] left’.
- ** NEW ** However, during Lockdown 2 (November 2020), a bubble buddy, ‘buddle’ (BB) came to stay with Jack. BB is pescatarian, cycles 200 miles a week, and works in London. Jack is teaching her to cook, while also using her as a figure of gentle ridicule. She cannot cook, she cannot iron, she cannot clean the television properly, she left the hose out and it got eaten by a fox, and she doesn’t know the difference between wet and dry ingredients.
- Her record for staying off Twitter since the start of these threads is 114 hours and 47 minutes.
- She is 90% vegan. The other 10% likes to nom nom on Five Guys burger and discounted chicken slices.
- During her appearance on DKL, she was asked why some mince has a higher fat content. ‘It just does.’
- The information held on her by Companies House has her year of birth WRONG. She was born in 1988, not 1978.
- She recently claimed she found her Burberry scarf in a muddy puddle.
Use the pink link tab at the top of the thread to find Jack’s Tattle Wiki page, where you will find all episodes of Daily Kitchen Live.
We are terrible for going off on tangents and using too many gifs, so there is another thread where we don’t discuss JM but instead talk about biscuits and stuff. For good light relief when JM is doing too much chaos, come to the Food & Drink threads in Off Topic.
[*][*][*][*]
- Lastly, but importantly, when submitting ideas for the next thread title, please use the words ‘thread title’, as it makes it easier to search. Just using the number won’t be enough. We also can’t have swears in the title, and try to hold off until around p. 40 for your suggestions, if possible. ThankYOU.
edit: auto carrot changed umble to unable. Fitting really.
Sometimes she says she did, and others she wrote it all on her phone. Pretty sure we need Jimmy for both those stories though!
How is she not embarrassed to have 17000 unread emails? I freak out if I have more than 10. Everything gets replied to, filed and deleted accordingly. It stresses me out to not be on top of things.
This level of disorganisation is not cute or quirky, Jack. It's wildly unprofessional and makes you look lazy. How she still has a career and continuing book deals is one of life's great mysteries.
ETA - welcome, @SlopAmbsase! Very happy to have another vegan in our rapidly growing cabal ranks.
Ooh I’ve never been involved with a thread title before, high five @SoulRebel !
Just like to take this opportunity to accidentally conquer one of my biggest fears, posting about myself on an anonymous Internet forum. It all started when I was poor and had to sell my diamond encrusted keyboard and I lost all confidence in my ability to type - JUST KIDDING. Now duck off 🤍
Just like to take this opportunity to accidentally conquer one of my biggest fears, posting about myself on an anonymous Internet forum. It all started when I was poor and had to sell my diamond encrusted keyboard and I lost all confidence in my ability to type - JUST KIDDING. Now duck off 🤍
Wonder how much of the book came pinging in overnight? Must be like a kid at Christmas, waiting to see how many thousands of words you can be paid for but don't have to write (or type) yourself are coming in.
I'm not going to tell her that reading, downloading, pasting and formatting them all into a manuscript whilst keeping references intact so they can be paid, removing libellous, controversial, mistyped or largely unintelligible sentences, plus going through all the processes to ensure they are safe in the case of articular revelations they might make, is going to take a damn sight longer than writing the sodding book like you were supposed to do six months ago.
It's far easier to use your own writing voice and words (rather than try to adopt an entirely unconvincing personality in the hope that nobody will notice/will take it on face value), too - or is that just me?
Might be wrong,
I'm not going to tell her that reading, downloading, pasting and formatting them all into a manuscript whilst keeping references intact so they can be paid, removing libellous, controversial, mistyped or largely unintelligible sentences, plus going through all the processes to ensure they are safe in the case of articular revelations they might make, is going to take a damn sight longer than writing the sodding book like you were supposed to do six months ago.
It's far easier to use your own writing voice and words (rather than try to adopt an entirely unconvincing personality in the hope that nobody will notice/will take it on face value), too - or is that just me?
Might be wrong,
They are a witty lot over on the Linda mcC insta
lindamccartneyfoods admit it, this is an early April Fools! Now can we have the real recipes?
and
poor choice of collaborator, and someone who makes a living off a poverty story with more holes in it than Albert Steptoe’s sock
lindamccartneyfoods admit it, this is an early April Fools! Now can we have the real recipes?
and
poor choice of collaborator, and someone who makes a living off a poverty story with more holes in it than Albert Steptoe’s sock
I've posted a screenshot of my inbox before...it's increased a bit since then. Hope it doesn't freak anybody out. It gives me no anxiety at all, because I read everything of importance…I just don't delete them. But...17,000 unread....? Even I wouldn't do that!!
I've never missed an email from a model agency, or from an Oligarch offering me a quarter of his millions.
Thanks for the lovely welcome! You are all so very funny Dear Hearts. Unlike JM, I did my research before I published, so I've read the infamous thread 31 (PISS AND A SANDWICH 
), covered all the recaps (does @Pocahontas have a Patreon page?) and gone forensic where time has allowed (I am occassionally BUSY!). I have a habit of going down rabbit holes when it comes to dark, sinister things and the life and times of JM ticks many of these boxes, although she does make me angrier than most.
I've given up on getting a response from the Linda M people - I left comments and complained directly but us vegan squigs are capable of holding grudges that rival JMs to THAT MAN so it won't be forgotten about easily.
), covered all the recaps (does @Pocahontas have a Patreon page?) and gone forensic where time has allowed (I am occassionally BUSY!). I have a habit of going down rabbit holes when it comes to dark, sinister things and the life and times of JM ticks many of these boxes, although she does make me angrier than most.I've given up on getting a response from the Linda M people - I left comments and complained directly but us vegan squigs are capable of holding grudges that rival JMs to THAT MAN so it won't be forgotten about easily.
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