Jack Monroe #126 Dangling her fl*ps over a Cotswold sideboard like none of it matters

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Harrybosch

VIP Member
I've silently, gently and softly set up this thread while Princess Poca is sleeping. Thread title by @Incywincy

Mini recap.

JM has/hasn't severe/long/no Covid.

Birthday cakes made by her are linked to fanny-proximity. https://tattle.life/threads/jack-mo...eted-it-deleted-it.12873/page-24#post-3336607

She is too busy with book deadlines to work with Marcus, which is surely the only reason he's partnered with Tom Kerridge.

Her accountant is her SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER!

She needs help with her accounts, but not the help anyone suggests, because she's completed it, mate.

Caroline has hands.

Here's a great recap of Kickstarter finances, complete with envelope costing deep dive.
 
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Pocahontas

VIP Member
Lovely stuff, Harry.
For new joiners to the thread, here is @Passive_Aggressive_Lemon ‘s ‘Jack for Dummies’ post (edited to include updated info):

Thought it might be useful for new followers to have a post at the start of each thread with some info.
Limegoss article about Jack versus Jamie Oliver : https://limegoss.com/jack-monroe-jamie-oliver/

Thread #31 is the infamous one in which Jack turns up to talk to us directly. She makes her appearance on p. 17.

For anyone wanting to relive the glory days of her two-week stint on Daily Kitchen Live (DKL), have a grunk a through threads 2-9.

*** JACKISMS ***

Jack’s most oft-used reply to questions on recipe substitutions:

Yes, absolutely x

Some other favourite Jack quotes:

‘Babe, same’
‘I did a chaos’
‘My maverick brain’
‘My sad little face’
‘I’m BUSY’
‘I HOOTED / I am FIZZING’
‘I laughed up a lung’

** NEW **
‘Literally hella embarrassed AF’ about ‘Brexit and flip-flopping Covid flippancy’ and she ‘didn’t even vote for it’.

She likes to describe herself as ‘puppyishly honest and naively enthusiastic’

As of late November 2020, Jack conceded she is not poor, but living to a budget as she is saving for a forever home for her and SB.

*****

One of Jack’s followers once referred to Tattlers as sad hausfraus and Jack herself has likened us to a cabal. Therefore we have become the Cabal of Hausfraus™️. She also recently referred to us as ‘gossip mavens’ (so, we are gossip trusted experts). ** Recent additions to her terms of endearment for Tattle: conspiracy wankers, obsessive groups of completely unhinged bullies, bullying ninnies, and malign, vicious bullies **

To ‘GrunkaLunka’ your way through a thread means to catch up on posts. Named after a member who rather epically caught up on many threads in a short period of time (and is also a fearless pioneer of the space-time continuum. She really was here both Now and Then).

Jack once threatened to use her Liam Neeson skills to TRIANGULATE our whereabouts in order to intimidate us, so that’s what we mean by that. * She may also threaten to take us to court - do not be afraid, this is not the first time and it won’t be the last. *

Jack once sideboard modelled a Vivienne Westwood dress, seeming to infer that it’s what Viv would have wanted (as if she were dead), and then got snippy when corrected otherwise. There may be some ‘RIP Viv’ jokes (she is, of course, NOT dead)

We sometimes joke about being on Vladimir Putin’s bitcoin payroll list for being evil trolls.

During her stint on Daily Kitchen Live, Jack produced a godawful looking lasagne, with a thin white sauce that never thickened up, just disappeared. It was widely likened to ‘horse spunk’ - there may be some horse ‘spirit’ lasagne jokes.

Her last-uttered line to Matt Tebutt on DKL was: ‘Thank you so Matt much, Matt’, which made us all HOOT.

Jack ended a tweet that listed her (not unimpressive) four-and-a-half GCSE results (A*, A, B, B, C) with: ‘Now fuck off’. We sometimes like to use this in our own posts for comedic effect. We are NOT telling other fraus to fuck off, simply paying homage to Jack’s own genteel humour.

*Back in the mists of time, one funny frau used a Jimmy Nail ‘She’s Lying’ picture to illustrate their thoughts on one of Jack’s latest tales. @Alpha Beta thought it was Novak Djokovic, the cabal hooted and Novak Nail was born. You may see reference to Jimmy Nail, Novak Djokovic, or the combination of both: Novak Nail. All demonstrate that she’s lying.*

Also:
  • She grew up in a 5-bed (mortgaged/owned) house
  • She got a £4.5k Omega watch for her 21st birthday
  • Her dad's a fucking LANDLORD (an oldy, but a goody)
  • Jack and Louisa are no longer in a relationship - in Jack’s words: ‘She [Louisa] left’.
  • ** NEW ** However, during Lockdown 2 (November 2020), a bubble buddy, ‘buddle’ (BB) came to stay with Jack. BB is pescatarian, cycles 200 miles a week, and works in London. Jack is teaching her to cook, while also using her as a figure of gentle ridicule. She cannot cook, she cannot iron, she cannot clean the television properly, she left the hose out and it got eaten by a fox, and she doesn’t know the difference between wet and dry ingredients.
  • Her record for staying off Twitter since the start of these threads is 114 hours and 47 minutes.
  • She is 90% vegan. The other 10% likes to nom nom on Five Guys burger and discounted chicken slices.
  • During her appearance on DKL, she was asked why some mince has a higher fat content. ‘It just does.’
  • The information held on her by Companies House has her year of birth WRONG. She was born in 1988, not 1978.
  • She recently claimed she found her Burberry scarf in a muddy puddle.

Here is a link to Jack’s Tattle Wiki page, which also includes clips of Matt Tebutt muttering ‘Terrible!’ on Daily Kitchen Live, courtesy of @Yel) and @Bookweevil ‘s hilarious Glossary of Jack.

We are terrible for going off on tangents and using too many gifs, so there is another thread where we don’t discuss JM but instead talk about biscuits and stuff. For good light relief when JM is doing too much chaos, come to the Food & Drink threads in Off Topic.

  • Lastly, but importantly, when submitting ideas for the next thread title, please use the words ‘thread title’, as it makes it easier to search. Just using the number won’t be enough. We also can’t have swears in the title, and try to hold off until around p. 40 for your suggestions, if possible. ThankYOU.
 

Winthropp Tuesday

Active member
I've silently, gently and softly set up this thread while Princess Poca is sleeping. Thread title by @Incywincy

Mini recap.

JM has/hasn't severe/long/no Covid.

Birthday cakes made by her are linked to fanny-proximity. https://tattle.life/threads/jack-mo...eted-it-deleted-it.12873/page-24#post-3336607

She is too busy with book deadlines to work with Marcus, which is surely the only reason he's partnered with Tom Kerridge.

Her accountant is her SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER!

She needs help with her accounts, but not the help anyone suggests, because she's completed it, mate.

Caroline has hands.

Here's a great recap of Kickstarter finances, complete with envelope costing deep dive.
I absolutely don’t want to be severely and extremely ‘that person’, but could I have a wee credit alongside ooor @Incywincy for the thread title, she very kindly highlighted my choice phrase, so it‘s very much a severe and extreme joint piss and a sandwich effort...

Kudos for starring out my flaps. No-one needs to see them at 10.30 on New Year’s Day 😂

I sort of feel like I’ve arrived now. 😂
 

Charitas

Member
Belated Happy New Year you terrible excuses for human beans. Just caught up after inconveniently working last night and now dare not sleep as my lovely boss just let us know we can go get vaccinated today. Nearest centre doing the jabs is ten miles away. Can't help thinking a certain someone who believes themself to be high risk might decide they aren't when they have to shift their own are to do it
 

Harrybosch

VIP Member
I absolutely don’t want to be severely and extremely ‘that person’, but could I have a wee credit alongside ooor @Incywincy for the thread title, she very kindly highlighted my choice phrase, so it‘s very much a severe and extreme joint piss and a sandwich effort...

Kudos for starring out my flaps. No-one needs to see them at 10.30 on New Year’s Day 😂

I sort of feel like I’ve arrived now. 😂
Very true. Can't edit the post now, so you'll just have to live with sloppy seconds. Just think of yourself as one of Jack's recipe testers.

Happy New Year!
 

Captainmouse

VIP Member

kachoochoo

VIP Member
Status
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