Jack Monroe #116 Burger and lies

[blurstoftimes]

me in year 7 on my first day of school

me in year 10 once i'd started smoking and discovered Radiohead

 

[traumatised sideboard]

I've been working hard behind the scenes and I am happy to announce that Slopbot's special Christmas menu service is now live. If you, like Jack, are struggling to produce a maverick menu for a Christmas charity gig, ask Father Slopmas.

I have also updated Slopbot V1 with Del Monte-inspired ingredients and, most satisfyingly of all (for me), I fixed the size of the button text! Merry Slopmas, dear hearts.

 

[MrsOgre]

Spot the difference.

 

[Switchstreetz]

Just a quick interjection - I'll be closing The Sloppies at 10pm Sunday so if you haven't already filled it out you can do so below. I'm gonna let you guys vote for day of announcement using reacts (I'm basically outsourcing making a decision peak laziness)

For Thursday 17th December
for Friday 18th December
for Saturday 19th December
for Sunday 20th December

Here's the link

 

[Dogmuck]

I still wouldn’t buy Del Monte products if I even liked tin fruit you paid me. We boycotted those fuckers in the late 70’s early 80’s for profiting from apartheid and they made masses of money on the backs of poorly paid, shockingly treated black South Africans that they never paid back! The “man from Del Monte” was their white South African businessman who made millions. The twats also treated workers like Shit in other African countries.

Nice work socialist Jack getting in to a nice lucrative deal with a company who’ve exploited millions of poor people...makes sense really, maybe this is where you took your inspiration from you despicable twat!

 

[Pocahontas]

It’s the fact that she must have known all of these jobs were in the pipeline - they don’t just turn up out of thin air - and she STILL broadcast that she didn’t have butter in the budget and was posting all her miserable, disingenuous £20 shops.

 

[TriviaNewtonJohn]

And even if I could, it’d all be brown
But my postcards on your wall
They remind me that it’s not so bad
Not so bad

Dear JM, I wrote you but still ain't callin'
I paid your Patreon and tip jar at the bottom
I sent twenty pound back in autumn, you must not-a got 'em
There probably was a problem at the post office or somethin' (like queuing people tutting at you)

 

[Alansbigplate]

Looks like shes trying to send an SOS with her eyes

Like a proof of life photo

It's like a girl band line up. I mean they're all Scary Jack, even lil Baby Jack, because they all reflect such an inability to know who she really is.

I know you all loved this one

 

[Silver Linings]

The Express!!!

The Daily Express!!!

Lady Di, she cry.

 

[traumatised sideboard]

All the Jack incarnations have provided a veritable bounty of excellent material for photoshops. Someone must have done this before, surely? This one is a special edition Streaking Jack, complete with cat paw socks.

 

[jenny2603]

In the last thread I made a joke changing the man from Del Monte slogan to the woman from the Shitty Bungalow. And then this shit happens. I'm really sorry everyone I had no idea I had these powers but promise to harness them for good.

 

[Pocahontas]

Congratulations to @TriviaNewtonJohn for the thread title! Multiple thread titles hat trick prize for you.

Recap of thread #115

1. She asked what is the most thrillingly mundane thing that people have done recently. I think I might know the answer to that.
2. Hold on to your hats: the recipe for her mince pie toasties has been revealed. Hotter than the sun.
3. She griddles pineapple out of the window. Why tho. Also: she apparently has hands of Teflon.
4. She looked so smart in her Nicole Farhi blazer and jazzy shoes. She’s the queen of charity shop bargain hunting.
5. SB demanded a burger. So she made him one. Out of sausages.
6. She has kept the receipts for eight years’ worth of shopping. It’s a huge job.
   
   Spoiler: Jack for Dummies

   [*]
   For new joiners to the thread, here is @Passive_Aggressive_Lemon ‘s ‘Jack for Dummies’ post (edited to include updated info):
   
   Thought it might be useful for new followers to have a post at the start of each thread with some info.
   Limegoss article about Jack versus Jamie Oliver : https://limegoss.com/jack-monroe-jamie-oliver/
   
   Thread #31 is the infamous one in which Jack turns up to talk to us directly. She makes her appearance on p. 17.
   
   For anyone wanting to relive the glory days of her two-week stint on Daily Kitchen Live (DKL), have a grunk a through threads 2-9.
   
   *** JACKISMS ***
   
   Jack’s most oft-used reply to questions on recipe substitutions:
   
   Yes, absolutely x
   
   Some other favourite Jack quotes:
   
   ‘Babe, same’
   ‘I did a chaos’
   ‘My maverick brain’
   ‘My sad little face’
   ‘I’m BUSY’
   ‘I HOOTED / I am FIZZING’
   ‘I laughed up a lung’
   
   ** NEW **
   ‘Literally hella embarrassed AF’ about ‘Brexit and flip-flopping Covid flippancy’ and she ‘didn’t even vote for it’.
   
   She likes to describe herself as ‘puppyishly honest and naively enthusiastic’
   
   As of late November 2020, Jack conceded she is not poor, but living to a budget as she is saving for a forever home for her and SB.
   
   *****
   
   One of Jack’s followers once referred to Tattlers as sad hausfraus and Jack herself has likened us to a cabal. Therefore we have become the Cabal of Hausfraus™️. She also recently referred to us as ‘gossip mavens’ (so, we are gossip trusted experts). ** Recent additions to her terms of endearment for Tattle: conspiracy wankers, obsessive groups of completely unhinged bullies, bullying ninnies, and malign, vicious bullies **
   
   To ‘GrunkaLunka’ your way through a thread means to catch up on posts. Named after a member who rather epically caught up on many threads in a short period of time (and is also a fearless pioneer of the space-time continuum. She really was here both Now and Then).
   
   Jack once threatened to use her Liam Neeson skills to TRIANGULATE our whereabouts in order to intimidate us, so that’s what we mean by that. * She may also threaten to take us to court - do not be afraid, this is not the first time and it won’t be the last. *
   
   Jack once sideboard modelled a Vivienne Westwood dress, seeming to infer that it’s what Viv would have wanted (as if she were dead), and then got snippy when corrected otherwise. There may be some ‘RIP Viv’ jokes (she is, of course, NOT dead)
   
   We sometimes joke about being on Vladimir Putin’s bitcoin payroll list for being evil trolls.
   
   During her stint on Daily Kitchen Live, Jack produced a godawful looking lasagne, with a thin white sauce that never thickened up, just disappeared. It was widely likened to ‘horse spunk’ - there may be some horse ‘spirit’ lasagne jokes.
   
   Her last-uttered line to Matt Tebutt on DKL was: ‘Thank you so Matt much, Matt’, which made us all HOOT.
   
   Jack ended a tweet that listed her (not unimpressive) four-and-a-half GCSE results (A*, A, B, B, C) with: ‘Now fuck off’. We sometimes like to use this in our own posts for comedic effect. We are NOT telling other fraus to fuck off, simply paying homage to Jack’s own genteel humour.
   
   *Back in the mists of time, one funny frau used a Jimmy Nail ‘She’s Lying’ picture to illustrate their thoughts on one of Jack’s latest tales. @Alpha Beta thought it was Novak Djokovic, the cabal hooted and Novak Nail was born. You may see reference to Jimmy Nail, Novak Djokovic, or the combination of both: Novak Nail. All demonstrate that she’s lying.*
   
   Also:
   

   • She grew up in a 5-bed (mortgaged/owned) house
   • She got a £4.5k Omega watch for her 21st birthday
   • Her dad's a fucking LANDLORD (an oldy, but a goody)
   • Jack and Louisa are no longer in a relationship - in Jack’s words: ‘She [Louisa] left’.
   • ** NEW ** However, during Lockdown 2 (November 2020), a bubble buddy, ‘buddle’ (BB) came to stay with Jack. BB is pescatarian, cycles 200 miles a week, and works in London. Jack is teaching her to cook, while also using her as a figure of gentle ridicule. She cannot cook, she cannot iron, she cannot clean the television properly, she left the hose out and it got eaten by a fox, and she doesn’t know the difference between wet and dry ingredients.
   • Her record for staying off Twitter since the start of these threads is 114 hours and 47 minutes.
   • She is 90% vegan. The other 10% likes to nom nom on Five Guys burger and discounted chicken slices.
   • During her appearance on DKL, she was asked why some mince has a higher fat content. ‘It just does.’
   • The information held on her by Companies House has her year of birth WRONG. She was born in 1988, not 1978.
   • She recently claimed she found her Burberry scarf in a muddy puddle.

   [*][*]
   Here is a link to Jack’s Tattle Wiki page, which also includes clips of Matt Tebutt muttering ‘Terrible!’ on Daily Kitchen Live, courtesy of @Yel) and @Bookweevil ‘s hilarious Glossary of Jack.
   
   We are terrible for going off on tangents and using too many gifs, so there is another thread where we don’t discuss JM but instead talk about biscuits and stuff. For good light relief when JM is doing too much chaos, come to the Food & Drink threads in Off Topic.
   
   

   • Lastly, but importantly, when submitting ideas for the next thread title, please use the words ‘thread title’, as it makes it easier to search. Just using the number won’t be enough. We also can’t have swears in the title, and try to hold off until around p. 40 for your suggestions, if possible. ThankYOU.

   [*][*][*]

 

[Into_the_tunnel]

Please shout me down if you don’t agree with what I say here but....

I just watched the news and saw that my area has the highest number of children in conditions of destitution. They interviewed a mother who used a food bank and who was obviously on her knees financially and socially. I can’t help but think that all this social media preening by Jack (and others) is just for their middle class sycophants. This mum doesn’t need an Instagram account telling her how to use tinned peaches in an imaginative way. That is risky for someone who is tired and at the edge of their tether; they just want simple food that they know their kids will eat. A can of beans= beans on toast, tinned fruit=put in 50p blocks of jelly.

All this cooking on a budget is merely back slapping by the left wing middle class chatterati. They want to show they are doing something while the gap between the have and have nots widens with every day that passes.

 

[HarderFaster]

Sorry for double posting like a sociopath but also how does she reconcile wanging on for the last 6 months about her £20 shop and the benefits of buying SmartPrice, to then go and become the face of a comparatively expensive, branded product?

Integrity? Jack doesn’t know her.

Also lol @ the spiel written by Del Monte’s PR that she “particularly likes that there are no preservatives” in their tins. Yeah, god forbid there’s any in the peaches, when SB’s arsehole sausages are 78% potassium nitrite. Cunt.

 

[blurstoftimes]

It's so freaky to me that these are all within the same year! It's like a conference of jacks from alternate realities.

 

[ChickenPorridge]

And even if I could, it’d all be brown
But my postcards on your wall
They remind me that it’s not so bad
Not so bad

Dear SKL, I wrote you but you still ain't callin', I left my two mobiles, my email, and agents at the bottom. I tweeted Matt AND his wife, they must not have got them. Anyway, get to absolute fuck I'm taking a break from TV

 

[MancBee]

It's so freaky to me that these are all within the same year! It's like a conference of jacks from alternate realities.

To me it looks like someone who is searching for their true self. Those pictures are of someone that is unhappy with who they are, and is trying new styles and personalities.

She will never be happy until she is comfortable in her own skin, with her own style and her own personality.

She clearly doesn't like herself and is searching for the ~her~ that she does like.

Just my opinion, I'm no psychiatrist.

 

[LavaFlake]

 

[Silver Linings]

#HowexciTIN

#TinsCanOnlyGetBetter

#Cantastic

 

[Alansbigplate]

I’m here for this collaboration I hope everything is fruity from here on in