Childfree by Choice #2

[Eggsandbeans]

What annoys me, and I’m probably going to get shot for this, is this idea that a child free persons spare time is not as valuable as someone who has chosen to have children.

 

[reCAPTCHA]

Just popping in to add my two-pence worth. Kids are overrated. I have three. You’re welcome.

You know when you order a meal- and it ain’t great- but you keep eating in the hope that it might magically improve. I did that with kids.

 

[judgejohndeed]

Right not we are just too selfish and that is the truth.

I get what you mean here but I don't think you, or anyone who doesn't want kids, are selfish and I really wish we would stop using this word in relation to this issue. We don't owe anything at all to imaginary children that don't exist yet, wanting your lifestyle to stay the same, have spare time that isn't dictated around a child, spending every spare penny you have on stuff for children, is not selfish. Using the word selfish only makes sense if you (general you, not you specifically as you haven't said this) think we're all obliged to have kids, and those of us who choose not to are somehow selfishly depriving everyone else of a child.
What I actually do find very selfish is other people pressuring women to hurry up and have kids. My Mum is always going on about wanting a grandchild - at the cost of what? My body doing the pregnancy and birth, me paying for it all, my life changing completely, while she would see my child a couple of times a week for a couple of hours. The people demanding and expecting that we produce children for them are the selfish ones. People who go on about wanting grandkids, nieces/nephews, whatever - if you want a child in your life so badly, have your own. I'm not your surrogate.

 

[NapQueenReturns]

Anyone else feeling particularly gleeful that they don’t have to spend their wages on kid’s presents, or piss around with a plastic elf each night?

I’ll just be over here with my Baileys, pondering how to spend my disposable income, and napping whenever I want

 

[Blond3g1rl]

I've just got to the bit in June where someone asked about getting their tubes tied - I managed to get it done on the NHS in my late 20s, which I'm immensely grateful for and I don't think would happen now, I'd get fobbed off with a Mirena. I started asking my GP at around 23 for a referral, got refused, kept asking every six months when I had to go back to see him to get my prescription for the pill, and after four or five years of this the GP who took over from him when he retired got fed up enough to refer me. I then saw two different gynaecologists, who weren't very happy about the idea and eventually said that if I'd agree to attend a couple of sessions with a psychiatrist for evaluation then they'd do it if he agreed. So off I went to the psych, who had somehow got the idea that I wanted my entire womb and ovaries removed, so I spent most of the first session explaining that wasn't the case, and then in the second session he said he wanted to hypnotise me to see if there was some lingering childhood trauma that meant I didn't want kids. He failed to put me in a trance and was so annoyed by this that he sat on my notes for six months, refusing to hand them back to the gynacology side of things. In the end I wrote a really annoyed letter to the Primary Care Trust in charge, which ended with 'I understand that everyone is concerned about me making a life-changing decision at a relatively young age. But a 17-year-old getting pregnant and deciding to keep her baby is also a life-changing decision at a relatively young age and she doesn't have to work her way through two GPs, two gynaecologists and a psychiatrist to be allowed to make that decision.' I had an invitation for a pre-op assessment four weeks later. Best thing I ever did.

How fucked up is it that we are deemed mentally broken and must have lived through some sort of trauma as an explanation as to why we don’t want children.

 

[milkywaymelon]

I think tourist attractions or events should have dedicated days or certain times that adults can book to attend when no kids are allowed. I went to an outdoor Christmas lights event tonight and the whole thing was ruined for me by other people's children. We were tripping over toddlers in the forest in the dark. Held up and our pathway blocked by parents taking photos of their squads of children beside the displays or struggling to push prams along the walking trails.

Please tell me some of you feel the same way? Surely it can't be just me!

 

[SqualorVictoria]

A friend sent me this, thought you all would appreciate it

 

[underwhelmed1985]

So I’m probably a bit of an imposter on this thread cos I have two kids but hear me out. I’m totally guilty of being a parent because that’s what society dictates and guilty of wanting the Kodak moments but the reality is parenting is not for me. I think I’m the only person I know who couldn’t wait to go back to work after maternity leave and be “me” again. I look at my kid free friends with their lie ins and leisurely weekends and evenings and I could cry. I totally mourn for and grieve my child free life. Don’t get me wrong, I love my children. They will want for nothing and I would be heartbroken if anything happened to them. But, and this is a big but, if I could turn back the clock and make the choice to be child free would I? 100% without a shadow of doubt.

let my story be a warning if anyone feels themselves being coerced into having kids. Stand your ground!

 

[prozacprincess]

A nice little thing …
My in-laws never mention our decision not to have children which I appreciate. Tonight my husband sent me a video clip of his mum studying photos of our pet rabbits, alpacas and cats, and writing down their names and distinguishing features in her notebook so she remembers who is who … I love that she sees the animals like grandkids and accepts our life as it is. She has two real grandchildren too but I think secretly she knows alpacas are far superior to children

 

[ot55]

Anyone else here watch love island yesterday? For those who didn’t, the couples had to look after those realistic robot baby doll things that scream and cry and need looking after. It looked awful!!! And this might sound harsh but watching the guys who were super paternal gave me the ick

Hearing guys talk about how many kids they want is one of the biggest turn offs for me. Unless the answer is zero

 

[Falkor]

I think you’ll enjoy the section of the first thread where we discuss what we did with dolls that poor unsuspecting but well meaning people bought for us when we were children

I've just got to the bit in June where someone asked about getting their tubes tied - I managed to get it done on the NHS in my late 20s, which I'm immensely grateful for and I don't think would happen now, I'd get fobbed off with a Mirena. I started asking my GP at around 23 for a referral, got refused, kept asking every six months when I had to go back to see him to get my prescription for the pill, and after four or five years of this the GP who took over from him when he retired got fed up enough to refer me. I then saw two different gynaecologists, who weren't very happy about the idea and eventually said that if I'd agree to attend a couple of sessions with a psychiatrist for evaluation then they'd do it if he agreed. So off I went to the psych, who had somehow got the idea that I wanted my entire womb and ovaries removed, so I spent most of the first session explaining that wasn't the case, and then in the second session he said he wanted to hypnotise me to see if there was some lingering childhood trauma that meant I didn't want kids. He failed to put me in a trance and was so annoyed by this that he sat on my notes for six months, refusing to hand them back to the gynacology side of things. In the end I wrote a really annoyed letter to the Primary Care Trust in charge, which ended with 'I understand that everyone is concerned about me making a life-changing decision at a relatively young age. But a 17-year-old getting pregnant and deciding to keep her baby is also a life-changing decision at a relatively young age and she doesn't have to work her way through two GPs, two gynaecologists and a psychiatrist to be allowed to make that decision.' I had an invitation for a pre-op assessment four weeks later. Best thing I ever did.

 

[NapQueenReturns]

Shortstaffed in work and a plea has gone out for those without kids to come in and cover.

How about fuck off? Just because we don’t have kids doesn’t mean that we’ve not got plans for Christmas. How about call in the lazy bastards who are conveniently sick each Christmas? My answer is not going down well but truth hurts.

Unbelievable.

 

[NapQueenReturns]

Guess what?
I woke up today after a glorious lie-in, and did whatever the fuck I wanted once again because I have no kids

 

[CatCafe234]

Or the fact that people expect a very long and detailed reason regarding the fact that we do not want children. You can't just say "I don't want children." Because the next sentence is "But why?".

‘Well, look what happened with yours’ is a good answer, I find …

 

[DCICassieStuart]

I always remember when I was younger, my friends and I had a drive out to asda. We parked up in a normal space and when we came back, some woman was stood next to her car and started screaming at us… she was screaming at us because my friend had parked “too close” to her car and she had a baby with a car seat to get in the car…

For one, her windows were tinted, how were we meant to know she had a car seat and for two, why didn’t she park in parent and child? Why do people think the world revolves around them and their kids?

I was queueing in Tesco a couple of Christmas's ago. It was a couple of days before Christmas, place was packed as expected and we were all waiting patiently in the queue, when this woman with a buggy (child in buggy was about three, not a small baby) tried to push her way to the front of the queue. People started to tell her that she couldn't do that and in the most entitled voice I have ever heard, she informed us all "I have a child you know!"
The man in front of me who looked close to cracking informed her "Well I have a fucking hernia, but it doesn't mean I'm allowed skip the queue!"

She made a hasty retreat.

 

[Mimble]

I've never wanted children. I found out in my mid twenties that I probably couldn't have them either, due to past illness and present endometriosis, which is a complete turnip of a condition and I hate it, but that's another topic. I felt genuinely relieved to find out in a way, gives me a good excuse although frankly being the unmaternal monstrosity I am I never had any urge. I never played with dolls, never played weddings, talk of future husbands and which Boyzone member I was meant to fancy (really putting an age on myself here) bored me to tears. I've never looked at a baby and felt a 'I want one of those' kick in. I feel selfishly free of the panic my friends and peers are experiencing shacked up with twunts and hanging all their baby hopes on some eejit of a bloke who spends all his evenings on PlayStation 4, or some bloke that doesn't even exist in their lives yet.

I do like to use my condition to try and take a bullet for my childless-not-by-choice / infertile sisters tho. When someone wades in (usually a guy) reminding me that I better get a move on since I am turning into a dessicated, geriatric husk by hour, or someone at work pointedly talks about how awful it must be not to have kids and / or makes a sad concern noise (usually a woman) when I say I don't have any children, I like to act like a complete dick and pretend to be really upset-angry that they've asked that since I am (most likely) infertile, and can't have kids (which is true), and you don't know asking a woman that if it's a very sensitive issue for her and something you shouldn't ask them unless they volunteer the info themselves (also true, just not in my case). Secretly of course I don't give a monkeys, but I do it in case it might put them off asking another woman in future for whom it is a deeply sensitive subject and is infertile / struggling conceiving. I've terrorised a few twats in this way. I know, I'm basically Mother Teresa

Screw the patriarchy. No one should judge you for not having children, or make assumptions or make you justify it if you want kids but can't. I am deeply sympathetic to how women are treated in this way. It's such a shitty thing to judge women on - and to bring up publicly, like women are just wombs on legs, and if they are not visibly having kids there is something wrong with them, or they are 'failing' in some obscure social duty or sense of womanhood. It's not bloody Gilead. You're not special because you've managed to have kids. No one has any right to look down their nose at people who can't (or just won't). Women are people, not just babymakers.

Edit: I mean the faux-concerned questioning of 'why don't you have kids/you poor thing/have you tried these vitamins and hanging from your head upside down to conceive? Worked for my auntie!', not a perfectly normal 'do you have kids y/n' type question, I obv don't go batshit over that. Just to clarify

 

[Lovegossip2020]

I used to get so stressed out over the Christmas period because me and my husband being child free are expected to be the ones travelling to see various family because they all have kids, we used to go back to work in January shattered and we had no time for ourselves! The last couple of years we have now decided Christmas is our time and we will spend it at home because our time off work has been earned and I'm not spending it travelling, hanging out with kids and generally being miserable! So we day to family they are welcome to come to ours if they want but they never do because of the kids so we are winning now and get to spend the festive season eating, drinking and doing what the hell we want

 

[mcfeez]

Do you what is strange too ... When someone gets pregnant, they hear a tirade of "oh, enjoy your social life now" "better travel when you can!" "oh you'll never sleep again" "can't remember when I last had sex" endlessly.

And then, when a person says they don't want to have children ... all they hear is all the supposed joys they'll be missing out on?! Seems like the genius idea here would be to congratulate the pregnant women and couples and tell them all the nice parts of parenting they have to look forward to! The exact things you are using to try and "sell" the idea of making babies to people who don't want them.

 

[judgejohndeed]

Tbh one of the many things that puts me off having kids is the idea of socialising with other parents Is it just me that finds the majority of parents incredibly boring? It's almost impossible to have a conversation without it reverting back to their kids.

Same. This is going to sound awful but whatever. I have muted so many friends over the last few weeks who have either had babies, or they're pregnant and already posting loads of stuff about babies. Sometimes I think I must actually be missing some kind of gene or something because I don't find babies cute at all, and anything about pregnancies/babies/children is literally so boring to me. I just hate how having a child seems to become a personality for some people.

 

[Mimble]

What annoys me, and I’m probably going to get shot for this, is this idea that a child free persons spare time is not as valuable as someone who has chosen to have children.

Apparently it's because we spend all our weekends relaxing on cloud nine and diving into pools filled with £20 notes from our disposable income, like Scrooge McDuck. (Of course though that's all just a pathetic attempt to fill up our time and cover up the gnawing hollowness of our childless wombs, sad half women that we are.)


Seriously though, completely agree, and it pecks my head in. It really stems from this subconscious (or even openly expressed) idea that if you don't have children you have oodles of free time and the free time AND booked up time you do have is simply not as valuable as their time. Argh.