Childfree by Choice #2

[mcfeez]

I've just got to the bit in June where someone asked about getting their tubes tied - I managed to get it done on the NHS in my late 20s, which I'm immensely grateful for and I don't think would happen now, I'd get fobbed off with a Mirena. I started asking my GP at around 23 for a referral, got refused, kept asking every six months when I had to go back to see him to get my prescription for the pill, and after four or five years of this the GP who took over from him when he retired got fed up enough to refer me. I then saw two different gynaecologists, who weren't very happy about the idea and eventually said that if I'd agree to attend a couple of sessions with a psychiatrist for evaluation then they'd do it if he agreed. So off I went to the psych, who had somehow got the idea that I wanted my entire womb and ovaries removed, so I spent most of the first session explaining that wasn't the case, and then in the second session he said he wanted to hypnotise me to see if there was some lingering childhood trauma that meant I didn't want kids. He failed to put me in a trance and was so annoyed by this that he sat on my notes for six months, refusing to hand them back to the gynacology side of things. In the end I wrote a really annoyed letter to the Primary Care Trust in charge, which ended with 'I understand that everyone is concerned about me making a life-changing decision at a relatively young age. But a 17-year-old getting pregnant and deciding to keep her baby is also a life-changing decision at a relatively young age and she doesn't have to work her way through two GPs, two gynaecologists and a psychiatrist to be allowed to make that decision.' I had an invitation for a pre-op assessment four weeks later. Best thing I ever did.

I wonder how many men are getting sent for psychiatric evaluation if they don't want children?! Quite an assumption to make about you having unresolved trauma because you don't want to have children.

 

[PinkMariner]

Just found this thread & I love it!

I am 39 & married to the love of my life - we have an amazing life mostly, both work decent jobs, we have a good social life, comfortable house, car, buy what we want when we want, no responsibility at all. I would not change it for anything. I've known since I was a teenager I didn't want children. Had an abortion at 21 because I knew it I didn't want to be a mum. People have always said to me I would change my mind, but I have genuinely never ever felt like I am missing out at all. We have 2 god daughters, 8 nieces & 6 nephews - that is plenty enough small people in my life thank you very much!

My only sadness is that I feel like my best friend and I are growing apart - she is the mother of my god daughters. I feel like i no longer relate to her life, and she probably can't relate to mine. That makes me really sad.

 

[Traveler001]

Anyone else here watch love island yesterday? For those who didn’t, the couples had to look after those realistic robot baby doll things that scream and cry and need looking after. It looked awful!!! And this might sound harsh but watching the guys who were super paternal gave me the ick

Hearing guys talk about how many kids they want is one of the biggest turn offs for me. Unless the answer is zero

Jake when he was saying he wants either 2 or 5 kids because if you have 3 you might as well have 4 and if you have 4 you might as well have 5… righty-oh well when it's your vagina you can decide what you 'might as well' have coming out of it mate! I didn't like him anyway but now I really don't like him!

 

[it’s not been changed?!]

 

[DCICassieStuart]

Surely depends if he pulls out or not? Sorry to be crude. With my ex I was silly and we didn’t use protection after I came off the pill but I used to track my cycle and we only had sex around 3 times in a 6 month period and he pulled out so even though we weren’t on anything I definitely wasn’t trying to get pregnant!

That is NOT a form of contraception.

 

[Caffeine Fiend]

Also I feel like in a patriarchal society its perfectly fine for men to say 'I dont want to date a single mum'

But for a woman to say anything similar we're portrayed as the weirdos / bad attitude.

 

[PinkMariner]

Plus I like my lie ins too much! And being able to do things on a whim! And being able to go out for dinner reservations that aren’t at half past five so they can get home for bedtime! And peace and quiet! Grown up time! Disposable income! No nappies!

I explain to people that I finish work at 5pm, I go home, I cook (or I don't if I don't fancy it), I sit on my fat arse on the sofa and I don't move again till bedtime. No one demands anything of me. No one asks me to do anything, occasionally I will get a spurt of energy and do something, but mostly I just relax till I am tired enough to go to bed, where I sleep soundly till my alarm goes off at 7am and I get ready for work and leave the house.

Typical parent - home from work, cooks, makes lunches, irons uniforms, cleans up, does homework, plays with the kids, usually deals with a fight / tantrum / issue, battles through bathtime, bedtime stories etc. and then collapses in a heap on the sofa at about 10pm. Gets up at 6am and starts all over again!

Anyone choosing the second scenario needs to question their own sanity imho!

 

[ot55]

Ugh yes, their comments were making my skin crawl like how they said they couldn’t wait to have a ‘mini me’ they could dress up

In other childfree discussions, I’ve seen people mention that a lot of men just want the ‘Kodak moments’. In other words all the ‘special’ moments you’d see in a Kodak ad, like blowing out the candles on their first birthday cake, teaching them to ride a bike, sending them off to their first day of school etc. But they don’t actually want to deal with any of the real shit that comes with having a child. And I really agree. It’s easy for these men to say they want 5 kids as if it’s nothing…but the reality

 

[Inforapenny]

I've got a day off today. Had a lie in, pottered around the house. I am now having a cup of watching YouTube videos whilst decluttering my makeup and looking on TripAdvisor for fun things to do in Stockholm.... because we're going their over Christmas.
Later we're off for a swim and then sauna at David Lloyds. My husband will be out most of the weekend with football (bliss) and I'm planning on booking my annual lip filler/Botox and a hair cut this weekend.
Call me selfish or indulgent or shallow blah blah blah but most people I know have had kids for their own ego, so something that will love them and prove to the world they are needed. As for having kids, the world is fucked up enough and the environment is on its knees, we don't need more kids ....yet I'm more selfish for not having kids.

 

[Traveler001]

That is NOT a form of contraception.

There was a thread on mumsnet a little while ago where someone was asking something about contraception methods, she said something like she didn't like the side effects of the pill and would tracking her ovulation and her partner pulling out be OK and someone replied saying that's the method of contraception her and her husband use and they've got 6 kids

 

[BelleAmie]

I had dinner with some friends during the week and we got on to the topic of children and they were joking about how it’s my turn to have a baby next because they’ve all had one now. I said I wasn’t having children so they’d have a long time to wait etc and one of them said to me “oh you will, you’ll change your mind when you meet the right man”

I was like, excuse me…the right man will be someone who also doesn’t want to have children. Please don’t tell me that you think you know my mind and what I want better than I do. Fuck off

 

[Sheabutter]

He scares me a little bit. 24 hours is not a lot of time and he’s already heavily invested. You don’t owe him anything. He sounds like a prick. Lying by omission is a thing!

 

[Traveler001]

What is your funniest/most wtf thing that's been said to you because your childfree? I just remembered this one from years ago when adding batteries to my shopping list, especially because I'm doing in December which will become relevant!

I was at work and someone said something about being an idiot because they'd been upstairs and forgotten the stuff they went up for and was going to have to all the way back up 4 flights of stairs. I commiserated saying I had been shopping the night before and forgotten batteries and would have to go out in the cold at lunch time to get them. The way she looked at me...she just glared for what felt like ages and then suddenly went off like a Firework about what a nasty, selfish brat I am ruining children's Christmases.

From what I could gather from her maniacal rantings was that people without children should not buy batteries too often and not at all in December because children would need them for their toys...

 

[Anne1448]

When someone wades in (usually a guy) reminding me that I better get a move on since I am turning into a dessicated, geriatric husk by hour, or someone at work pointedly talks about how awful it must be not to have kids and / or makes a sad concern noise (usually a woman) when I say I don't have any children

What is it with people who think that not having kids makes you miserable?

I sincerely do not understand how having more money, more time and a stress free life is considered worse.

 

[Pixipoppy]

Everyone I know who has young kids/babies is bloody miserable. Just WHYYY would I want to do that to myself. Fair enough sometimes I’m miserable too but I’d rather feel like shit and be able to lay on my sofa all day eating chocolate and watching trash TV than have to run around after a grubby toddler and hear “old McDonald” 72 times in a row.

 

[Satisfying Click]

Anyone else here get annoyed by climate articles telling people to fly less and eat less meat when they're failing to acknowledge the children and their carbon legacies elephant in the room?

 

[SavetheDrama]

Currently in an all-inclusive resort in the sun. No kids allowed. My kind of Christmas

 

[JoeBloggs]

I cannot think of anything more boring that spending my spare time taking kids to events etc and the coming home to clear up after them. I don't do a huge amount in my spare time but I am not swapping that to look after a mini me.

 

[GirlOnTheTrain]

I deliberately book holidays out of term time - who wants a relaxing break ruined by screaming kids?!

 

[Taetae95]

It's funny that the country/govt make life so difficult with everything from house prices, wages, the environment etc and then act shocked when people don't want kids...