Toddler advice thread #4

[Jellybean093]

I’m I the only one that doesn’t like pull-ups apart from when they go through that ‘wrestling with an alligator’ phase?

 

[jackieweaver’sauthority]

How would you all feel about a practitioner telling you your three year old was being spiteful at pick-up. I asked how she meant and she was throwing toys, snatching and running through the other kids. Not her best behaviour but I wouldn’t call it spiteful.

She is really struggling atm and we’re seeing the same type of behaviour at home. The last week has been quite bad and I even went to speak to a health visitor last week who was pretty unhelpful. I’m debating whether to pull her out of going all year round and persevere this next term as she moves to a different room in September with free access to the garden.

 

[Jellybean093]

I haven’t ever used them, except at night when we potty train (we call them bed time pants, just shifts from being in a nappy to being in pants). I didn’t realise so many people used them daily!

They are so expensive, for less nappies
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Hahahah!! Yeah so to put a fresh one on you need to remove their clothing on their bottoms ? don’t you?🫣. I don’t know anymore hahaha

Yer. I think @WhatABore thought you meant pants as in underwear bloody southerner she is
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I only take one leg out

WHAT?! You’re being a silly sausage now

 

[jackieweaver’sauthority]

But a baby does massively change the dynamic. She’s still so little. My eldest was 7 when he brother was born, and she struggled and hit out massively because her mum got taken away from her.
You know why her behaviour has changed. Please don’t feel sad people will judge no matter what!

Thank you, I know she’s found it so hard but she’s done really well and although she’s had her moments which have been awful she’s taken it better than I thought she would. We’ve actually not had a lot of that behaviour recently.
It’s a bit of a sore subject for me as it happens every time we go round there, even before the baby. It’s like no one can see how wound up she’s getting and it’s something about them which riles her up. Probably the constant comments and lack of body boundaries there as they always tickle her and ask for hugs. I do advocate for her but it falls on deaf ears. Anyway enough of my pity party. Thanks for sharing your experience. What was it like after the third and fourth? Was it easier?
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Don’t be sorry. This is a place to vent too.
bless her. Mine probably wouldn’t like that either. Adults do expect too much from children sometimes I think. Especially when it comes to meals out etc. is it your side of the family or your partners.
yeah I will suggest the park next time possibly

Thank you! That’s why we don’t do it often. They know not to invite us to a restaurant or any meal after 3 It’s not my family or I would talk to them.
Park is a good idea but be prepared to be the one running round after them if she brings the baby. Do you have a small soft play that has a decent baby/toddler area where you could all sit so she can intervene a bit more?

 

[Definitelyme]

So an update. Had the meeting with pre-school and we have agreed a plan of action where she will be checked in with a practitioner every thirty minutes, and agreed to a plan for managing her disregulation and overwhelm earlier to stop her getting to a point of extreme distress.

ADHD has been a concern of mine for a while so they’ve agreed to do a referral for that, but also want to do an ODD referral which I’m not so sure on. They’re also doing a referral to occupational therapy for her sensory sensitivities. I’ve been brushed off by health visitors for two years so glad I’m finally being listened to but worried it’s a bit heavy handed.
I really want her to have the adhd assessment which is why I’m sticking with the preschool for now.

The ODD signs is only evident at preschool but it could just be her pushing back as she’s not feeling understood. If I say no to that now will she then struggle at school if it’s just present in educational settings? The waitlists are so long I don’t want to say no as the opportunity is here now. So confused!

I definitely wouldn’t say no. If she’s assessed and there is no evidence of ODD then at least you know there is nothing there and it’s just a few hours of your time. Or if they do find something to support ODD diagnosis, then you’ve got all the help at your disposal.
I am a teacher (although secondary level) and kids having a proper diagnosis of SEN just makes everyone’s life sooo much easier. It allows parents to access many resources very easily (or more easily is maybe the right way to say it) and allows teachers and schools access to resources as well. It also means that schools can provide the right care. We have kids coming through and the parent says “oh they have ADD or ADHD” but they won’t get a diagnosis and we can really do nothing with it.

 

[strawberrysunshine_x]

Oh, sorry if it’s confusing. I thought she was not long out of pull-ups. Maybe I’m getting confused with someone else
My 3yo also wets up him and got the pillow the other day too, which was annoying. He also woke up and laid in it for 10 minutes before I went in to get him ready for school

I thought the other day al said that she’d been wearing pull ups for 6 months even tho her little one is dry ? Have I remembered that wrong

 

[smellsofbiscuits]

My nephew has this also this weekend. Started Friday night
Hope you’re all feeling better soon. There isn’t much I don’t like worse than puking. It’s horrid

It was doing the rounds up here a couple of weeks ago and I thought we had missed it. Hope your nephew is feeling better.

On the plus side, there is some warning with the bigger kid. With toddlers - there's nothing. As Mr B found out earlier on this evening

 

[smellsofbiscuits]

@PillowsofFluff No, I don't think you're being a dick. Personally I would avoid these kinds of late night gatherings unless it was a weekend or followed a day of downtime e.g. during the Christmas holidays. However I don't really have this issue due to no siblings or close family members that invite us to these gatherings

It's possible with being 18 that she's a bit blinded by the event and doesn't realise the practicalities. Is it worth suggesting that at least her brother, your OH, attends then you could arrange a wee gathering with Mini Pillows during the daytime? Like a little afternoon tea or something like that.

 

[al255]

I think it’s really hard for dads because they want to be seen as the ‘fun one’ with no proper responsibilities until they get their kid once every other week. Mostly through choice (Well, I’m my experience anyway)
Can you ask him to start having her more? Maybe you need a break from each other
At least she wasn’t faffing tonight. Swings and roundabouts!

He won’t/ can’t have her anymore. During the week he starts work at 7am so has to get up at half 5 so he can’t take her to nursery so Monday - Friday doesn’t work. He won’t have her anymore than one night on a weekend cos tbh - and I’m being blunt and honest.. he can’t cope with it when he’s tired from working full time and he doesn’t wanna be up early on both Saturday and Sunday. We do Friday/Saturday and Saturday/ Sunday and it works well for us. We both get some of the weekend if we want to go out etc but he’s just a pain. When we first split up he told me he wanted her 50/50 and that soon got boring and it literally went to 1 night on a weekend. He comes on a Wednesday or Thursday night and that’s about it.

mini A tells me she doesn’t like going and wants to stay with me there’s been more weekends than not she says she doesn’t want to go and starts crying.

 

[al255]

So after last night and the disaster of a week we had with sleep and us both feeling unwell, she’s still asleep. It’s the first night she’s not coughed at all since last weekend I hope she feels better today and gets her appetite back too as she’s not ate much at all.

 

[Jellybean093]

TRIGGER WARNING: SUICIDAL TALK
Anyone else’s toddler just absolutely obsessed with their daddy? I thought it would be a phase for a few weeks and he’d get over it. But still months down the line he only wants his daddy. When he hurts himself, when he’s at the park, playing at home, getting out of his car seat, bathing and putting to bed, getting up in the morning.
He literally has a tantrum if he’s with me on my own and just cries ‘daddy’ all the time.
If I’m totally honest I feel so low and very upset by it. I had a traumatic birth following ivf with my son so the journey hasn’t been great, and I’ve always felt I’ve struggled with bonding, and this just makes it even harder and settles how I feel when I say I don’t have a good relationship with him.
I’m currently having counselling and EMDR therapy for my birth trauma although I’m in the early stages so not feeling much benefit right now. My son just hurt himself by hitting his head on the corner of the radiator and he let out the strangest cry and could tell he really hurt himself badly so I ran to him and tried to comfort him but he just pushed me away and cried more until his daddy came.
So I’ve just had to get out the house for a walk to try not to cry. I don’t know how much longer I can feel like this.
I spend more time with him as my husband works full time, I take him to fun places most days, I try so so hard to make his days exciting but this is how I get treated.
I just feel broken and totally useless.
I’ve really thought many times over the last few weeks I should just not be here anymore as i cause so much hassle & problems for people around me.
I really need to talk to someone about this as it’s really got to a bad stage now.

You are not useless. You are with him everyday. These kids love a change of face when they are with you all day. All have mine have rushed to daddy when he comes home from work. 2 of mine have favoured him. Daddy can’t do any wrong.
Kids can pick up on the smallest vibe. Im always the one to do things with my kids. Sometimes they’re little buggers
You need to be here. I know you don’t feel like he needs you now, but he does. Have you spoken to your husband? Have you spoken to the doctors?

 

[watermelon sugar]

I went straight to underpants and took him the toilet every 10 minutes and asked if he needed the toilet. He weed in his underpants a couple times but got used to them quite quick because he didn’t like the feel of the underpants wet so he’d start to tell me he needed the toilet

I had all of last week off and he was at home with me, he was in underpants all week when at home no accidents 🥲 was so proud lol

 

[watermelon sugar]

How many times at bedtime does your toddler say they want a drink. I’ve just started bedtime. Im gonna count and report back 🥲

 

[al255]

It does sound like he has got interest in it, which is great! If you are struggling with quickness of pants and trousers, can he just wear pants around the house?
Potty training, in my opinion, is one of the worst milestones I never have, but would books help?

I agree…. A big week for mini A , not an accident all week!!!!!!! Omg! And she was flat out at 7:30pm and she’s still asleep now hurray

 

[WhatABore]

She is 4 in January, starts school September next year and we would go away May 2025 - I’ll be fined won’t i?

I defo wouldn’t take her away near exams or SATS etc..! We do haven in school hols anyway so it’s just our May hol. I don’t get why schools don’t allow 5 days of absence to go away for a week or in the uk when it doesn’t cost parents a fortune

Yeah, well, we've never actually been fined
They put it down as unauthorised absence. I don't know if it's because he's not had much time off during the years or just the school in general

But I believe it's only £60 if you pay it straight away!

It used to be allowed when I was in school. I remember handing in holiday slips each year

 

[jackieweaver’sauthority]

God as if they didn’t reply that’s shocking. Hope they take this time seriously.
if you take her out will she be at home with you? Do you know much about the new room can you meet with staff before you take her out for summer hols and discuss your concerns? Or do you think you’ll find somewhere new if you can

If it helps my niece went to a nursery which closed down and then didn’t manage to find another one so my mum looked after her during the week and she was awful at drop offs at my mums, she just wanted to be with her mum. But when she was starting school a few months after she was excited she couldn’t wait to make friends and kept saying she was excited to start. So taking them out doesn’t always end in tears.

I know! She will be home with me and her brother which won’t be easy but I think it will be easier than this. I can ask her nanny to take her out for a day once a week too so she gets a break from us.

Thank you that does really help. I can take her out for the school holidays and then she’ll start in the new room in sept so maybe the break and the fresh start with new practitioners might help. It depends on what they say at this meeting.

Just wanted to say thank you to you and all the ladies on this thread who take the time to reply so sincerely. It means a lot.

 

[Hairraiser]

So tonight I asked her to pick 5 books, she went to bed at 7:15pn with her books. Out of the 5 we got through 2 cos she was tired, by 7:30pm she said she wanted some raisins.. ok.. then she ate 2 of them, then 7:40pm she’s screaming cos she wants some cereal. NO chance. I said if you’re hungry have your raisins, she’s purposely delaying bedtime. No drama over books, just pretending to be hungry! MORE tears from her and kicking off over pointless stuff, need to rant! I’ve had enough! It’s so hard on my own at times

How did it go having less ipad time?

I’m sorry it didn’t go as well as you’d hoped.
Just know while you may be alone physically, everyone else is or has gone through the same issues. It’ll get better I promise!
Keep strong.
She loves you and you love her, it’s clear to see you want the absolute best for her.

They always push our buttons as we’re too soft as parents. She knows how to get out of going to sleep and it creates a stressful environment around the time that’s meant to be relaxing and calm.
Try not to react too much to the crying, she isn’t hurt in anyway so it’s ok not to react to it, she’ll soon learn it won’t get her far.
validate her feelings by saying ‘I understand you’re frustrated because you want food, but it’s bedtime now, not food time, tomorrow you can have a big bowl of cereal when you wake up’
It works sometimes with my little boy, so might be worth a try.

 

[al255]

Got mini A from nursery and I’ve never seen a more dirty sweaty child her play suit was filthy and her hair is all minging from being in a sun hat

also I’m soooo excited to use our merlin pass more! I’ve just booked to go to Church Farm down south the first week of September the weekend schools go back! Going to do Chessington and Legoland Windsor then on the Friday we have to check out of Haven, go to London (stay about 30 min away from central in a hotel) and do Shreks Adventure and Sea life centre 🥲 I can’t wait.. I love London and can’t wait to take her on a big adventure

 

[watermelon sugar]

Good luck

7 times he asked he was asleep by 8:20 so in 40
minutes he asked for a drink 7 times

 

[WhatABore]

Usually she has cereal whilst watching the iPad after bathtime once in PJs (always has done) and now she doesn’t want cereal that’s fine, but she said raisins and I gave in cos well, I cba with a screaming match over raisins…… then got one over cereal

Tomorrow I’m trying - books in my bedroom and then the book crate stays in my bedroom, once she’s had 2 books it’s bedtime.. I’ll give her the chance to have cereal or a snack after bathtime and that’s it. To be honest, she had SO much for tea there was no way she was hungry 1.5 hours after my fault..!

Bedtime and cuddles in bed and that’s the end!

Bedtime used to be so so easy, no tears, no dramas - nothing! Thanks everyone for your advice and support it means a lot my boyfriend was here and was upstairs and he said he has NO idea how I do it cos he would have no patience

I know you say you give in because you cba with the screaming ect, but it's also what causes things like this at times too, because they know you'll give in.
As soon as it gets them what they want that 1 time, they know they can work you. Kids are a lot smarter than people think.
They know what boundaries they can push, especially if they've not been set.

I also agree with the others, I saw your other posts that he's quite new around, especially if she knows he's going to be there with you when she's used to having you to herself.