Slopalong #3 She doesn't understand beans

[Lumpyspaceprincess]

I don’t think 3 is a fair score for a recipe that requires boiling some stuff and blending it. It’s barely a recipe especially as she can’t even be bothered to suggest seasoning.

 

[overdueanadventure]

I don’t think 3 is a fair score for a recipe that requires boiling some stuff and blending it. It’s barely a recipe especially as she can’t even be bothered to suggest seasoning.

I guess that's true. Let's drop her down a point to Dire.

After all, I would eat her Mum's potatoes, but Tom wasn't wrong.

ETA: And if we're going on the principle of what I would eat still being Dire , we should probably knock a point off the other 2 recipes I've done as I've been over-generous there too.

 

[Tabitha D]

I do think she buys stuff in for her photos. Daylesford Organic (fancy!) do a carrot soup which is yellow, for example. I’m sure Ocado/M&S/Waitrose do similar. Her actual recipes, as cooked, do not look at all attractive.

 

[overdueanadventure]

She says "this is a protein and flavour packed soup" so while I can agree to disagree about the flavour, does 14% protein (according to my app) count as "protein packed"?

 

[That Forensic Man]

I guess that's true. Let's drop her down a point to Dire.

After all, I would eat her Mum's potatoes, but Tom wasn't wrong.

ETA: And if we're going on the principle of what I would eat still being Dire , we should probably knock a point off the other 2 recipes I've done as I've been over-generous there too.

Thankyou dear heart, very well slopped
That recipe blurb up front is excoriatingly cringe. I've updated the scores in the wiki:

Cuban-inspired Beef, Red & Black Bean Stew - 2
Brown bread ice cream - 2.75
Carrot, Cumin & Kidney Bean Soup - 2

I've also added it to the wiki as a potential fake recipe, there's a more glowering soup example I need to find but this one is very suspicious.

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[overdueanadventure]

Why would you blend beans?! (Refer to thread title.)

I feel like this is an existential question I'm not equipped to answer.

 

[Witchfinder Sargeant]

Why would you blend beans?! (Refer to thread title.)

It thickens the soup. But I wouldn't blend the whole thing, I'd scoop out a couple of ladles and blend those and stir back in.

@That Forensic Man Stick this in the "amount donated" list, please? It's a local charity that works with vulnerable mums and under fives in my borough. I put aside a tenner a month and then buy stuff with it for the children, last year it was three huge bags of toys.

 

[Cantthinkofausername]

Using kidney beans in soup is a bit pointless in my opinion. Red lentils and carrots is a much better combination. While kidney beans can be very cheap I don't think they're a particularly useful thing to keep in your cupboard on the offchance, unless you have specific recipes in mind.

 

[Fruitjack]

Using kidney beans in soup is a bit pointless in my opinion. Red lentils and carrots is a much better combination. While kidney beans can be very cheap I don't think they're a particularly useful thing to keep in your cupboard on the offchance, unless you have specific recipes in mind.

For goodness sake, it’s in case the evil food bank people MAKE you take all the donated tins of kidney beans. Just let her BREATHE!

 

[ContentCrunch]

Bringing my slop forward, slop pickers. Was going to do this tomorrow but my other half is working late so knocked this up while the kid was eating dinner.

Chocolate Pear Cake
I have never done any vegan baking so was very curious to try this particularly as a friend’s daughter has a dairy allergy. I have no reference points for vegan baking so can’t tell from the method whether it’s sensible or not. Soon find out!

Spoiler: ingredients

View attachment 1757823
Had everything in but the tinned fruit (£1.05), the apple sauce (£1) and the coconut milk (£1.50) (

Spoiler: Method

I combined the ingredients slop by slop, stopping to blitz up my (drained) pears.
First up, apple sauce and oil and sugar. Hard to get this to combine fully and there’s a distinct ‘halo’ of oil round the edges.
View attachment 1757825
View attachment 1757828
She says to reserve the pear juice and says she immediately pours this into a glass and drinks it, diluted with water. (Like a greedy goblin, I imagine)

I give this a go too. I didn’t have any vases to hand so had to make do with a glass.
View attachment 1757831

It tasted … like pear juice diluted with water.
Back to my pears
View attachment 1757834
View attachment 1757835
View attachment 1757836Note the lumpy texture when coconut milk is added to the mix, above. I’ve never baked with coconut milk before so don’t know if this is good, bad or neither. Couldn’t get the lumps out when stirring but maybe that’s ok.

Flour, bicarb, cocoa powder and cinamon goes in. This is way more cocoa powder than I’d usually use for a chocolate sponge cake. Three times as much in fact.
View attachment 1757837

Here’s the batter. Quite lumpy but smells good. I transfer to my loaf tin and even lick the bowl.
View attachment 1757841
View attachment 1757842

At this point she says to put the oven on. I do and wait for what feels like ages, for it to get to the right temperature. It’s a good opportunity to gaze into the distance and question some of my life choices.

In it goes

While it’s cooking, I must admit there’s a lovely cinamonny baking smell through the house. I feel optimistic. Maybe this slopalong is the one.

After it’s been in the oven 45 mins, she says to check it’s done by inserting a clean knife. The test reveals it’s still sloppy so I return to the oven. Then begins a very frustrating period of checking the cake is done every 5 minutes. It’s not. After 20 more minutes I accept that the knife will never come out clean. I’m worried it’ll burn so I remove it and leave it to cool while I deal with my crabbit toddler.

I do the bedtime routine and wonder if I will have an edible cake to enjoy on when she’s asleep.

Spoiler: Results

Here’s my cake fresh from the oven. It’s all cracked but I can live with that.
View attachment 1757843

This bit is from repeated testing to see if it’s ready
View attachment 1757846

Once it had cooled, it looked not bad inasmuchas it was loaf-shaped and seemed solid rather than slop as I feared
View attachment 1757849

And cut into ..
View attachment 1757850

Spoiler: The verdict

It’s just really disappointing. The texture is more like a pudding or a fondant than a cake or a loaf. You can’t hold up a slice without it all falling to bits. You can’t taste the pears because it’s got far too much cocoa powder in it. You can taste cinamon but no discernible pear flavour. It tastes bitter. Bitter with a hint of cinamon.

Fraus, this is my last slop. Fun as it’s been, I am now fully convinced that the recipes don’t work. Even with my previous efforts, I’ve had the feeling I might have done something wrong along the way. But this was such a simple recipe and I followed it to the letter (apart from baking it 20 minutes longer to try and make sure it was baked through, and not slop.) The texture is wrong, the flavour is horrible.
You’d be better just melting some chocolate over your tinned pears. This is just garbage.

I give it a 1.

I will keep reading the slopathons as they are brilliantly entertaining. But I’m done trying to get an edible bake out of any of her recipes.

I was so bleeping optimistic about this Bruce Bogtrotter cake. Now I’m just very sad. Cheers Jack kids (me) are crying.

also, as well, (my ex colleague always said also as well and it makes me lol) I’d like another random slop allocation thank (space) you in advance @That Forensic Man

 

[skronkywildcat]

I just read through some of the slops and I applaud all who gave it a go. Just donated £10 to my local food bank (NOT a TT one, thank God).

 

[That Forensic Man]

I was so bleeping optimistic about this Bruce Bogtrotter cake. Now I’m just very sad. Cheers Jack kids (me) are crying.

also, as well, (my ex colleague always said also as well and it makes me lol) I’d like another random slop allocation thank (space) you in advance @That Forensic Man

How about no-cook gazpacho dear heart? It's the only recent website recipe we haven't allocated or done, so an obvious candidate.
That is despite it not appearing under 'all recipes' because the categories/tags are all messed up lol. For 2022 there's only 1 of 7 recipes listed and then ones from 2018.

Private Site

It thickens the soup. But I wouldn't blend the whole thing, I'd scoop out a couple of ladles and blend those and stir back in.

@That Forensic Man Stick this in the "amount donated" list, please? It's a local charity that works with vulnerable mums and under fives in my borough. I put aside a tenner a month and then buy stuff with it for the children, last year it was three huge bags of toys.

View attachment 1771253

Thankyou tender one, this extremely generous donation brings the total to £861.78 !!

Spoiler: Carrot, Cumin & Kidney Bean Soup recipe for wiki

 

[overdueanadventure]

How about no-cook gazpacho dear heart? It's the only recent website recipe we haven't allocated or done, so an obvious candidate.
That is despite it not appearing under 'all recipes' because the categories/tags are all messed up lol. For 2022 there's only 1 of 7 recipes listed and then ones from 2018.

Private Site

Thankyou tender one, this extremely generous donation brings the total to £861.78 !!

Spoiler: Carrot, Cumin & Kidney Bean Soup recipe for wiki

View attachment 1772978

Just been reading those instructions as the one I used didn't have the end bits about lentils & yoghurt - but bloody hell, it doesn't need to be any thicker. If it were it would be her.

Thank you for all you do, @That Forensic Man.

Loving being an exploding bauble today

 

[I'm not actually here]

How about no-cook gazpacho dear heart? It's the only recent website recipe we haven't allocated or done, so an obvious candidate.
That is despite it not appearing under 'all recipes' because the categories/tags are all messed up lol. For 2022 there's only 1 of 7 recipes listed and then ones from 2018.

Private Site

TInned tomatoes... In gazpacho? NO.

Too short.
JUST. NO.
No. No. No. No. No.

I'd volunteer to make it, but I'm Spain-adjacent and would be exiled forever.

 

[ContentCrunch]

Brill book me on for gazpacho this weekend can’t wait I’ve got some floppy celery

 

[Grizzlybear]

@That Forensic Man chalk up £20 from me please to a community project this week - they offer mental health resources as well as drop in kitchen

 

[That Forensic Man]

Just making a note of two Canned Food UK recipes that would be good for the slopalong:
- Crab chowder mac and cheese
- Steak, mango, and black bean curry

You searched for jack monroe - Canned Food UK

www.cannedfood.co.uk

 

[Lazarus]

Just making a note of two Canned Food UK recipes that would be good for the slopalong:
- Crab chowder mac and cheese
- Steak, mango, and black bean curry

View attachment 1777109

You searched for jack monroe - Canned Food UK

www.cannedfood.co.uk

Whatever you do, please be mindful that you don’t confuse Jack’s Sicilian fish stew, pictured above and with recipe here:

Sicilian style fish stew - Jack Monroe - Canned Food UK

This simple recipe is inspired by a fish stew I had in Italy a few years ago; I have made many versions of it since, and it’s beautifully versatile - you can use any beans in place of the chickpeas, wine instead of beer, and any tinned veg that takes your fancy. It’s a complete meal in a bowl...

www.cannedfood.co.uk

With her Catalan fish stew, not pictured above, but recipe here:

A Book & A Bite: A Recipe from Jack Monroe | Waterstones.com Blog

Published this week, Jack Monroe's Cooking on a Bootstrap brings together over 100 of her recipes for simple, speedy and cost-effective meals along with money-saving tips and advice. Here, we present a recipe from Jack, exclusively for Waterstones: a delicious Catalan classic with a twist.

www.waterstones.com

 

[That Forensic Man]

Whatever you do, please be mindful that you don’t confuse Jack’s Sicilian fish stew, pictured above and with recipe here:

Sicilian style fish stew - Jack Monroe - Canned Food UK

This simple recipe is inspired by a fish stew I had in Italy a few years ago; I have made many versions of it since, and it’s beautifully versatile - you can use any beans in place of the chickpeas, wine instead of beer, and any tinned veg that takes your fancy. It’s a complete meal in a bowl...

www.cannedfood.co.uk

With her Catalan fish stew, not pictured above, but recipe here:

A Book & A Bite: A Recipe from Jack Monroe | Waterstones.com Blog

Published this week, Jack Monroe's Cooking on a Bootstrap brings together over 100 of her recipes for simple, speedy and cost-effective meals along with money-saving tips and advice. Here, we present a recipe from Jack, exclusively for Waterstones: a delicious Catalan classic with a twist.

www.waterstones.com

Here, we present a recipe from Jack, exclusively for Waterstones: a delicious Catalan classic with a twist.

The twist is she just rewrote the ingredients in different measurements and mixed them up so it looks different at a glance.

 

[wintercynic]

Just making a note of two Canned Food UK recipes that would be good for the slopalong:
- Crab chowder mac and cheese
- Steak, mango, and black bean curry

View attachment 1777109

You searched for jack monroe - Canned Food UK

www.cannedfood.co.uk

I was about to offer to do the crab Mac and cheese bullshit but I have too many questions…