Slopalong #3 She doesn't understand beans

[Falkor]

Thread title by @MavisBeacon nominated by @traumatised sideboard - you win your choice of any of the slops cooked in thread 2.

For those who've stumbled on this thread by accident, it's a spin-off of the Jack Monroe threads where Tattlers are cooking their way through Jack's seven cookbooks in a vain attempt to find one edible recipe that works without tweaking. We're not doing well so far... Links to all the slops are in the Wiki on the Slopalong page.

Carry on slopping, everyone!

 

[threetintender]

Here is my mea culpa, ninnies. I’m condemned to wasting food in the form of Chicken Liver Bolognaise. I haven’t made it yet because I can’t find any sodding chicken livers anywhere near. I have just remembered that there is a farm shop / butchery about 12 miles away but I’m not driving there just for chicken livers so will wait for a bit (until pay day) when I can pick up some other stuff for Christmas as well. Watch this space / bin.

 

[HotesTilaire]

Lads I’ve been to the haunted hellscape, trawling tirelessly through tweets sent in Feb 22 in order to find names of those local foodbank charites who were nominated to receive the teemill income, post-tRussel. You know what I mean.
I’ll be donating to one of these during the slopalong, because my local are TT and they can get in the bin. Also these smol charities were skanked out of donations by Jack giving everything to Southend Vineyard.

Spoiler: Nominated foodbanks

 

[Lazarus]

Lads I’ve been to the haunted hellscape, trawling tirelessly through tweets sent in Feb 22 in order to find names of those local foodbank charites who were nominated to receive the teemill income, post-tRussel. You know what I mean.
I’ll be donating to one of these during the slopalong, because my local are TT and they can get in the bin. Also these smol charities were skanked out of donations by Jack giving everything to Southend Vineyard.

Spoiler: Nominated foodbanks

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This makes me bleeping furious. Everything about this is so misleading. All those kind souls giving a shout out to their local charities, hoping they’d get a slice of the pie and then Jack spends the money and months later sends <£300 to a charity on her own doorstep.

 

[Nonah]

What really rinses my rice is the lack of teaching in her recipes. I think this is something I’ve just had a lightbulb moment with. You can make really good, low cost meals if you know how to cook. And it’s not difficult. So a simple recipe for béchamel would be really valuable. And how to properly cook onions (fgs Jack, please)! Rather than the interchangeable herb nonsense an actual lesson on which herbs work with what and why. Of course she’d have to know this herself and it’s probably not as much fun as chucking some random pulses and fruit together so it’ll never happen but it would be so much more valuable for people who want to cook with less.

 

[FlirtyThirty]

What really rinses my rice is the lack of teaching in her recipes. I think this is something I’ve just had a lightbulb moment with. You can make really good, low cost meals if you know how to cook. And it’s not difficult. So a simple recipe for béchamel would be really valuable. And how to properly cook onions (fgs Jack, please)! Rather than the interchangeable herb nonsense an actual lesson on which herbs work with what and why. Of course she’d have to know this herself and it’s probably not as much fun as chucking some random pulses and fruit together so it’ll never happen but it would be so much more valuable for people who want to cook with less.

We should do a Tattle recipe book - maybe fix all the shite we're cooking??

 

[MavisBeacon]

Oh my dear tender hearts THANKSPACEYOU! I am overjoyed at winning the thread title and will be wearing an ostentatious ballgown that makes my tits look weird for the awards ceremony.

Oh, I win some slop you say? In which case I'll sneak in beforehand in some unflattering traaazers and a saggy top that makes my tits look weird and then do a runner. Toot toot!

In other news, I am trying to persuade Mr Beacon to try another slop, but he is more interested in actually trying to make an edible pina colada bread, the weirdo.

Feel free to nominate a slop for us, and I'll see if I can make him go for it.

 

[Nonah]

We should do a Tattle recipe book - maybe fix all the shite we're cooking??

Maybe we could publish the corrected recipes

 

[EllaEm87]

Just admitted to my Northern Irish mother about mince and onions with notions. She said “isn’t that the recipe you sent me the other day that I said looked disgusting, and you said you’d meant to sent it to MrEm?” The very same.

Shower her my post here. “A skin!” She cried! “Surely it was more than a couple of minutes?” She protested! “Why wouldn’t you just make mince and onions?” She clawed and howled into the carpet! “She’s got middle class parents! She was never poor enough to use foodbanks. And she pretended to be Vegan!” My sister hollered! (a secret tattler? I have my suspicions). Chaos has broken out in Casa del Em.

 

[Nonah]

Just admitted to my Northern Irish mother about mince and onions with notions. She said “isn’t that the recipe you sent me the other day that I said looked disgusting, and you said you’d meant to sent it to MrEm?” The very same.

Shower her my post here. “A skin!” She cried! “Surely it was more than a couple of minutes?” She protested! “Why wouldn’t you just make mince and onions?” She clawed and howled into the carpet! “She’s got middle class parents! She was never poor enough to use foodbanks. And she pretended to be Vegan!” My sister hollered! (a secret tattler? I have my suspicions). Chaos has broken out in Casa del Em.

Oh no it was bad enough for that poor Italian Nonna

 

[Sweetpea2]

Frauen,
I just forced another slice of the black forest cake on Hermann. He was not impressed, he was hoping for a Magnum.
I quote "wieso muss ich den Schrott essen?" (Why do I have to eat this junk)

Cooled down the cake is not great...very stodgy.
Still over half a cake to go...Not sure we will manage it....

 

[smolscrubb]

Perhaps you could turn the cake into the base for a trifle? Would probably transform into something reasonably with kirsch/whisky poured onto it, then custard and more fruits?

 

[heastlanda]

Mr Heastlanda and the kids want lamb curry for tea tomorrow night. I don't eat lamb so I am more than willing to fix the fucked up lentil curry using the rest of the ingredients I have and actually make something half edible. Watch this space.......

 

[hoopdedoo]

Perhaps you could turn the cake into the base for a trifle? Would probably transform into something reasonably with kirsch/whisky poured onto it, then custard and more fruits?

I think drowning it in alcohol and piling custard and fruit atop it is the only feasible outcome for this poor cake.

 

[Geetbo]

Frauen,
I just forced another slice of the black forest cake on Hermann. He was not impressed, he was hoping for a Magnum.
I quote "wieso muss ich den Schrott essen?" (Why do I have to eat this junk)

Cooled down the cake is not great...very stodgy.
Still over half a cake to go...Not sure we will manage it....

If you have any enemies you could always use it to smash their windows?

 

[Toffee finger]

Last night I made Jacks Lemon Curd Sponge Puddings. I picked this recipe as I had every ingredient already so it was FREE and I thought such a simple recipe may actually work. Spoiler, it did not.

https://cookingonabootstrap.com/2013/04/05/lemon-curd-sponge-puddings-24p/

Spoiler: Ingredients

100g self raising flour
70g butter
2 eggs
50g sugar
Splash of lemon juice
8 heaped teaspoons of lemon curd

It doesn’t mention what size eggs or what kind of sugar. I went with the large eggs I had and caster sugar.

Spoiler: Process

First mix the butter and sugar. Add the lemon juice (It’s pointless adding the suggested “few shakes of lemon juice” as you can’t taste it)

Then add eggs and flour -

“Mix well with a fork or wooden spoon to create a smooth, glossy batter.”

It was fairly smooth but beating in the eggs then flour would have been better.

The method says to add a generous dollop of lemon curd and the recipe states 8 teaspoons so I added 2 teaspoons to each bowl.

Next add the cake batter on top till 2/3 full

Spoiler: Oh they’re oozing

Jack says to cook them for 30 minutes. After 10 I had a peeky mink through the oven glass and they looked like this

Well that’s the baking tray fucked

Another 10 minutes went by and they were cooked. Another 10 minutes as suggested would have burnt them

Spoiler: The Result

(just realised I used cake forks instead of spoons but all cutlery is interchangeable)

They look ok but the burnt lemon curd on top isn’t good and the sponge has a really weird texture.

Spoiler: Have this instead

Ingredients - I had everything so not sure on the cost but 6 ingredients isn’t bad. Marked down for not stating which sugar or size of egg to use. Also needs more lemon juice. 3/5

Recipe - Easy to follow but, according to google as I’m no baker, the eggs/flour should have been beaten in to avoid the eggy flavour. Plus maybe putting the lemon curd in the middle might have stopped it either oozing out or sticking to the bottom. 30 minutes cooking time is too long. 2/5

Visual Appeal - Seen worse seen better. 3/5

Texture - Like rubbery sponge but also wet and hard at the same time! 0/5

Taste - Egg. Inexplicably eggy. With the slightest hint of lemon at the end. I fear I’ll be tasting this for days like our poor @MancBee and his soup.
0/5

Overall - 1/5 DIRE. I could have just about forced it down if someone made it for me and I had to be polite.
OH rated it 0 dogshit, couldn’t have eaten it even to be nice!

 

[housemouse]

Frauen,
I just forced another slice of the black forest cake on Hermann. He was not impressed, he was hoping for a Magnum.
I quote "wieso muss ich den Schrott essen?" (Why do I have to eat this junk)

Cooled down the cake is not great...very stodgy.
Still over half a cake to go...Not sure we will manage it....

Cover it with custard,

 

[Blurp]

If you have any enemies you could always use it to smash their windows?

Shades of Dwarf Battle Bread...

 

[hoopdedoo]

@Toffee finger thank goodness you had that baking tray. You would be cleaning your oven for approximately forever if that burnt crap had boiled over into the oven. I imagine it would have done a number on a muffin tin too.

 

[Hold my beans]

Oh @Toffee finger they sounded so nice! I did think you'd changed your mind and made Jack's yorkshire puddings looking at your process photos