Hi Tattlers
I've been such a busy bee lately. I did a WHOLE 5 hours of strenuous manual labour. For a split second, I felt sorry for my husband working away in the garden day and night. His balls are so saggy from me dragging them, he could teabag me doing a handstand. So, obviously I needed 3 days off to feel like my old self again. I do have weak work ethics wrists after all. All the handwritten journaling has only emphasised this. Pens are just so heavy. And hangers. No wonder, in the face of adversity, I could only think of one thing I'm grateful for. I don't know why you're all complaining I'm a slothy sloth. It's not like I actually did anything. And now I have to endure the trauma of being told vegetables don't even grow in winter. Blocked! Trash talked by many, hated by some, have a guess how many fucks I give, it's less than one. At least I have my hair though.
Did you see Josie catfishing my Holland Cooper jacket? Did it hurt when you fell out of my ass into the toilet Josie? And you're all such fun sponges being the grammar police. You can spell in English how you want and I can how I want. You do you lovely. Just don't come to me for vocabulary lessons. I'm not your mother. And before you start, it's not an attitude if I have it everyday. It's called my personality. For your information, I'm an actual girl boss selling hangers on Depop. The audacity to suggest I give them away to charity. For free. Sorry, I don't attend small charity functions. I prefer large balls. I'm not ashamed of who I am. That's my parents' job.
Did you see the highlight of my career flogging elastic? The sheep will literally buy anything with my name to it. I wish some of them would put a lid on their crazy though. Twinkle twinkle little star, you should know what you are, and when you know what you are, the mental hospital is not so far. You know what else rhymes with elastic? Plastic. Cawwee said I'm banned from swimming in the ocean. Something about plastic waste. Speaking of plastic, I'm a new ambassador for Nasty Girl. I told you I turn down collaborations with all the luxe brands. I'm so relatable. We can't all afford to be dripping in Hermes, Claire Chanelle. I'm not saying I dislike her. But if she got hit by a bus, I'd be driving the bus. Can she afford to buy 900K followers though? I think not.
My husband cringed massively when I shared his disgust of vaginas. I asked him if I'm the only one he's been with. He said yes, all the others are nines or tens. Ermmm let me know when you're off your man period, Ali? That's protein off the menu for another week then. Now excuse me, the weekend's disasters are not going to happen by themselves.
Love Lydia xx