We start with Liz and Nic talking about movies and some other stuff. Liz gets in the following jabs:
1. Hey, Olivia Colman! You're overrated, have "an attitude" and play yourself in every movie!
2. Hey, Lily James, your name sucks! Stop being called Lily and have a proper name like Hilda, Ethel, or Mabel!
3. Hey, men in the Tory Cabinet! You look scruffy when photographed exercising in public. Carrie, buy Boris "a lovely pair of grey marl jogging bottoms", stat!
4. Hey, Matt Hancock! Your torso is so ugly you shouldn't have found a wife much less a mistress!
5. Hey, women! You have "emasculated men" and "made them use wheely bin liners and go up stepladders." And wear grey marl jogging bottoms. I'm pretty sure men would have to do those things anyway? Unless they're freakishly tall and want a disgusting bin.
Liz says "(her) mum had a real respect for (her) dad and didn't push him around" whereas "these days women do push men around" - like you and David you mean? There's lots of talk about 50 Shades of Grey. Liz is "banned from Canada" because she wrote an article advocating people boycott Canada on account of seal culling. In total she is "barred from three countries and the Victoria Beckham fashion show." Nic praises the novel The Maid by Nita Prose and Liz snippily says "would you rather work for her?" (Nita Prose.)
Column of the week! Basically, just after Christmas Liz was contacted by the charity that helped her adopt her new rescue dog. Someone got in touch with them anonymously to state that Liz lets her dogs kill sheep and cats, doesn't train them, and left them alone in the car on a hot day. Liz complains it's all Nic's responsibility since Nic is hired to care for the dogs. Nic says "the dogs have 24/7 care." No one's debating that, it's how they're cared for (or rather are not.) Liz blames the previous owners of her dogs (and in Gracie's case, of Gracie's mother) for their behavioural problems. Nic says "if Gracie destroys something it only affects (Liz.)" Liz herself has previously said in print that she's been evicted from multiple rental properties because the dogs destroyed furniture. I'm sure the owners of those properties will be glad to know she is the only one affected by the destruction her untrained hounds cause.
Nic wrote to the lady from the charity to defend Liz - so, someone IS sticking up for Liz, then. Liz witches about the previous owner of Nellie the horse. TL;DR if you don't remember that one: Nellie died a few weeks after Liz acquired her. Liz said she died from colic, but someone on Mumsnet claimed to know the previous owner and said they were alleging Nellie's death was caused by neglect. Liz says actually, Nellie was already seriously ill when Liz took her in, and the previous owner reneged on an agreement to pay for euthanasia and cremation. She whines about the owner going to Mumsnet and the editor of the Mail. Then about the other allegations against her on Mumsnet that she took cocaine. She says "if you lie about me there are consequences!" Convenient how you don't seem to face any consequences for all the lies you tell.
Liz is also upset that "no one stuck up for her" when Hearing Dogs for the Deaf said she doesn't have hearing dogs. Well, that's because they are the only authority that trains and supplies hearing dogs. If they didn't give you a hearing dog, you don't have a hearing dog. She says they want a monopoly on training hearing dogs so they can make money. I repeat: they're the only authority that regulates hearing dogs. You might as well say "Ofcom wants the monopoly on regulating the media so they make money! It's not fair that I can't just tell them to get stuffed and create my own broadcasting standards!"
Liz complains about people writing to the Mail to complain about her treatment of her animals and "no one cares that I'm a human being! no one stuck up for me!" Nic talks about caring for Nellie and says "no one understands, you're just social media bullies etc etc". Liz says the editor of the Mail didn't help her when a columnist for the Evening Standard tweeted that Liz "has sex with her cats", then deleted it. She says the editor asked if she had the Tweet and she replied "it was published in the Evening Standard!" If it had been, you'd have a case. So basically you didn't screenshot the Tweet and have no evidence. She whines about the "horrible little man" who complained to the charity and says she is taking him to court.
Archive column is about her first proper celebrity interview which was with Kenneth Branagh. She tells some rambling stories about other interviews and we end on more "fanmail" from admiring readers. One of them asks what nicknames Liz and Nic are called by their family and friends. Do you really want the answer to that question?
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