It's only 33 minutes long this week but feels at least twice that
Nic theatrically shouts "what are you doing, Liz? LIZ?" over the sound of a hairdryer. Liz is fake tanning because she's going to a "posh do at Claridges." Anyone referring to a "posh do" isn't Claridges material. Liz thinks that you need a hairdryer to get the right colour. Nic had a bad experience with fake tan in her 20s and now says she would never do it again. They ponder several outfits Liz could wear to the event: 1) a long Dries Van Noten dress an ex bought her that is "size: fat" (a reference to last week's podcast) and which she says is too big for her. This is the same Liz that insists she is a size 6-8 and lambasted David for buying her underwear in her actual size which is around a 12. 2) Reiss slip dress which is "a bit Kate Moss" but looks like a nightie 3. the famous VB bodycon dress 4. a Reiss jumpsuit. Nic chooses the slip dress as she thinks "Victoria Beckham has had its day" and that it's too difficult to go to the loo in a jumpsuit. Liz whines "why did someone buy me a dress in size fat?"
Liz explains the "Wagatha Christie" trial to Nic which includes a "wood-panelled courtroom worth millions". Nic handily chips in to say "this is all allegedly, we don't want to get sued!" This week Liz has decided she is JUST LIKE Rebekah Vardy. They both have an agent, they've both described men's penises in unflattering terms, they both use "the C-word". Liz and Nic think that the matter should have been solved by Rebekah and Coleen having a cat fight in the street, Liz says neither of these women really matters because they don't even have jobs!
Liz watched The Staircase, there is a documentary on Netflix about the real case but Liz does not care to watch it because the real people involved weren't as attractive as the cast of the drama. Nic says "I'm attracted to Colin Firth, but only in Bridget Jones. I'm attracted to Orlando Bloom, but only as the elf." Liz calls Toni Collette miserable and says she too would fatally push Toni down the stairs if she could. Nic talks about enjoying the documentary because it makes it clear how much work the creators of the drama went to for accuracy. Liz snaps "don't tell me what happens in the ending!"
This week's column: Liz has had an invitation! She talks about "the J-Lo Effect" by which she basically means "getting back together with an ex." And she is J-Lo, natch. Nic highlights how Liz equates herself to Rebekah Vardy, Meghan Markle and others constantly, and now it's J-Lo. Anyway Liz is supposedly back together with the FRS, who dumped his (equally fictional) 20-something girlfriend aka "The Foetus" because they had nothing in common due to her age. The FRS invited Liz to a festival he's playing. Liz normally doesn't like festivals, partly because "I have zero body fat so I can't sleep on nylon." However, she agreed to this one because they're putting up the FRS in a gorgeous hotel suite.
Liz says that she couldn't describe the FRS's penis in a column, it would take an entire novel titled An Unsuitable Boy. Yeah, a novel is the right place for it, cuz the whole thing is fiction. Nic says "cringe!" and "TMI!" The FRS supposedly thinks it's hilarious that Liz calls his ex "the foetus", and complains about David nagging her to buy white pepper. He thinks she's "just like Fleabag but without the mascara or the dead guinea pig." See, Liz, this is how we know he doesn't exist: No man in his right mind thinks you are funny. She demanded vegan pillows, to bring all four collies, and a pair of those industrial earmuffs that air traffic controllers wear on the runway.
She says she asked the FRS "am I a placeholder?" and that she got this from Selling Sunset on Netflix. There is a brief digression while Nic says she doesn't like the show and Liz complains the FRS hasn't watched it. She clarified that she meant is he just using her "until a nubile young trollop comes along?" because he needs a plus one at the event. He says something about not wanting to look out alone over an audience of women needing HRT ... oh, fuck off, Liz. Anyway, she's agreed to go. She said she sent the hotel an "urgent" email to check they will indeed accept four collies, including two that are "doubly incontinent." Counting Liz, that's three incontinent dogs so it's just as well the whole thing is fictional and she isn't actually going.
Nic calls out the FRS on the HRT comment, Liz says "yes, it's ageist, but men are ageist." So are you, cuz you wrote that line. The archive is a "very funny assignment Liz did in 2012" where she was sent to Cheshire, which she compares to Hollywood because it apparently has a lot of gated communities. She was sent to interview WAG Jessica Lawlor, Stephen Ireland's wife. Liz complains that a multi-million pound celebrity mansion should not have children's play equipment in the garden, "why can't they just sit in the corner with a book?" I dunno, Liz, how would you react if someone told you to make your collies sit in the corner and not go out and run around?
Liz is surprised that Lawlor has time to care for fish given they're a large blended family. Lawlor said that one of their staff does it. Liz was disappointed that the roses on display were silk, and that Lawlor and Ireland had ... gasp! Photos of their children on display. Who would want that? Liz is upset that she can't afford to have her hair and nails done as often as a WAG can. Lawlor did not feel she lived a stereotypical WAG lifestyle as she buys high street clothes, although Liz says she had a huge collection of designer shoes and bags. Liz went out for a night on the town with Lawlor and another WAG, she carps "why do rich people always have the same taste?" Including herself in this, as she found out via some website that all rich people like Aesop body products just like her.
Nic cannot pronounce "Louboutins". Lawlor said that she doesn't spend more than £800 on a dress, Liz brags that she is better at being a WAG since all the dresses she considered wearing for Claridges cost over £800. Liz suggested Lawlor invest in art instead of buying designer shoes and clothes, Lawlor wasn't interested. In what way is Liz, who at the time of this article had not yet been made bankrupt but was hundreds of thousands of pounds in debt, qualified to advise a multi-millionaire on investments? Lawlor and her friend admired Liz's Forever 21 dress, but Liz cannot remember how the night out went, she "thinks she lost her eyelashes." Liz thinks this column deserves an award for the rib-tickling line "she nodded her hair extensions."
Fan mail! Someone has actually offered to buy Liz's house so they can rent it back to her. Liz also had an offer from "a movie star" to lend her the money to buy the house, she can prove it's a real movie star, she has the email! Liz feels that it has "restored her faith in human nature" and it's rare to see real issues written about in the media - "they all live in London, they've all got mansions, they've all got pensions." YOU HAD A FORTUNE AND YOU SPUNKED IT DOWN THE DRAIN. She works in a quick swipe at her old landlady's house rules, as if Liz doesn't constantly write about berating David or other boyfriends for not following her rules. Another reader apparently suggested Liz crowdfund, Liz plays the saint and is all "I'd rather they donate to animals." Yeah, this is why they wrapped up early; we'd like to keep our dinner down.
We end on Liz whining again that no one ever helps her and her family, agent, etc. didn't bother to help. Why should her agent get involved? Nic reassures her with a treacly "your readers are your family and they've come through for you
