We get a live reaction to Liz and Nic watching BoJo's resignation speech. They're both fans of Carrie. Liz thinks Boris was "bigging himself up" during the speech. There's a lot of "awww, poor Boris/Carrie" but Liz acknowledges that people were angry that they followed the rules during the lockdowns and he didn't. Liz says, "everyone thinks I'm lowbrow because I wear nice clothes and watch
Love Island" and brags that everyone should have listened to her in 2019 when she wrote this week's archive column. They're happy for Carrie "getting her life back", Liz asks if the designer wallpaper will have to be steamed off and brags that she single-handedly paid for it because she pays SO MUCH TAX. She's such a profligate arse-kisser she probably
would volunteer to pay for Boris' wallpaper herself.
Archive column is about "when all you idiots chose Boris, you should have listened to Lizzie." It's about the final vote-off between Boris and Jeremy Hunt back in 2019. Contains the line: "where's the mop top? Where?" referring to him being late, and "it was as though we'd married the man, then got to the honeymoon suite to discover he picks his feet." WTF. She says he has "back fat." She says Jeremy Hunt sent her a personal text to thank her for the article and this "reversed her menopause." I thought she had never had the menopause?
Liz announces the Mail+ app was re-branded this week, oh joyous day. She and Nic run through their favourite podcast catchphrases for the
benefit of new listeners: "BLOCKED!" "Chippy!" etc. She says "I'm anti-all the menopause campaigning and PROFESSORS have STUCK UP FOR ME and said it's a way to sell drugs." Quick reminder for context:
some professors published an article in the BMJ - with no reference to Liz, and probably sent for publication before she'd said anything - arguing against "treating the menopause as a disease." Said article was widely criticised on the basis that its arguments sounded a lot like good old-fashioned sexist dismissal of women's concerns. Liz repeats that she's the real feminist here because talking about the menopause makes women "unemployable."
She also discusses "antidotes" and "Miranda Priestly Moments" i.e. when they're rude to service staff. Liz sneers that if you don't know who Miranda Priestly is, you should be listening to a podcast about politics or
the menopause, horror! She drones on about David Cassidy for a while. Nic says that Liz cancelled a meeting with her to discuss the podcast because Nic did not respond right away, on account of being in the shower. It's exactly what Meghan Markle would do, Liz is JUST LIKE Meghan and they have the same hair (except Meghan's isn't falling out and is its natural colour rather than Midnight Sucking Void.) Nic says she's Liz's Harry, fuelling the fires of speculation yet again.
Liz is misogynistic about the girlfriends of tennis players, especially Morgan Riddle (who's dating Taylor Fritz) because she has plumped-up lips and false eyelashes.
This is Morgan Riddle. I wonder why dear Lizzie doesn't like her? Liz read a buzzy new book about "marital hatred", which posits that - as the title suggests - married couples secretly hate each other. Liz doesn't want her husband to think bad things about her, but
she is allowed to do it because she's always right and always justified. Then, withour a shred of self-awareness she goes on to quote the author's theory that this is because western society is too selfish. Of course Liz is superior because
she vented her spleen about Nirpal in public, and there's some good old bashing of him yet again.
Nic talks about watching the new movie
Elvis and abuse of famous people. Liz references loving the Beach Boys ... please stay away from our own Andrew G Doe. Nic says that "if there is a narcissist in your life it ruins your life", no comment. Liz intends to use the podcast to "drive traffic to her column", good luck with that. After an interruption from Mini Puppy, the full-grown elderly dog who "always needs a poo", Liz announces that the column is about her "double parking her exes" ie dating both David and the FRS at the same time. She "dangled a sweetener" to get David to stay with her for a "birthday weekend" in the Yorkshire Dales. More TMI from the less than lovely Liz as she references David giving her oral sex and that she doesn't have issues with vaginal dryness.
Liz claims that she's due to go and see the FRS play a "warm-up gig" before a "big summer festival" and that she hasn't "double parked" since she slept with Nirpal while still dating "Osama Bin Laden lookalike."
That's not what she was saying in May 2021. She's annoyed that the room the FRS booked for them has multiple beds, and that he asked her not to bring the dogs because one of them kept growling all night. Liz goes "Do you mean GRACE KELLY?" More like Felicity Huffman. The FRS referred to David as "white pepper man." She reads out her Liz Moans - "I love moaning." Ya don't say.
Fan mail: "Amanda" (Nic) asks who Liz's favourite celebrity to interview was, a ruse for Liz to ramble about Marie Helvin again. "Mark from Southend" asks what Liz would do if she weren't a writer, she says she would want to work in a post office. Imagine that face staring at you across the counter when you just want to send a parcel or renew your passport.
Morten Harket Mentions: at least three
