yep, she is, and whilst it seems impossible, I think she's getting worse.
Liz Jones #2 Nobody puts the Myla Thong in a corner!
- Start date
-
- Tags
- Liz Jones Threads Wiki
- Status
New to Tattle Life? Click "Order Thread by Most Liked Posts" button below to get an idea of what the site is about:
I don’t think she’s had her end away for ages
actually. Maybe even years…There was a reference last year to an encounter with David in a Soho hotel with a description of his ‘pale alabaster limbs’ but I doubt he was there?
The whole rampant heavy sex sessions with the FRS are fiction. The dialogue between them seems lifted from Louise Mensch type chic lit novels.
Given that the descriptions of sex are from her own fevered brain you’d think she’d give herself a stonkingly good orgasm yet she remains as unsatisfied in her imagination as she is in real life!
The Liz Delusions aka Podcast
Nic talks about how to keep your pets cool in the heat. This is good advice, of course Liz butts in to whine whine whine about people seeing her as a bad pet owner. Maybe stop writing about how they're untrained and off the lead then? Liz talks about flight cancellations, complains about connecting flights and repeats that she "never goes on holiday, I only travel for work." This leads into her archive column which is about being delayed at an airport on a flight back from South America, she keeps repeating "I'm DEAF and I couldn't hear what they were saying." If she were as deaf as she proclaims (equating herself with Rose Ayling-Ellis who cannot hear at all) she wouldn't be sitting there recording with Nic so button it Jonesy!
Liz read Why Did You Stay? by Rebecca Humphries. It's a memoir/self-help book by the ex-girlfriend of Seann Walsh, who very publicly cheated on her while appearing on Strictly. Do you notice a theme with Liz's reading material? Nic reads novels, non-fiction, and all sorts of other things while Liz only ever seems to read books about relationship problems. Liz gushes over a quote from the book about how beautiful, brilliant women allow themselves to be undermined by selfish men which is exactly what Liz did but now she sees the light. Why, then, are you so desperate to have a man, Liz?
Of course this is all a thin disguise for her to complain about Nirpal and how everything was his fault. Liz reads out a quote mentioning "anal bleaching" and Nic has a fit of the vapours. Liz tries to imply she too has had her anus bleached; and yells "get away from my back bottom!" She moralises about "learning from past relationships", another stunning case of not practicing what she preaches. Conveniently Liz just happens to have written a column about Seann Walsh at the time, which was "the most shortlisted column for opinions in the history of the whole system." She reads that one out as well, it's very boring, so that's two archive columns we have had this week.
There's some stuff about "exploding ovaries" and Nic turning into Liz Truss, this is apparently Liz Jones's roundabout way of complaining that when she snaps her fingers Nic does not come running that very second. Finally we get to the column, In Which Liz Gets Excited About David's Visit. "Don't groan and don't email in!" she snaps. Don't recycle the same garbage ad infinitum then? She gives a quick "recap" including FRS sex, cystitis, and David agreeing to visit for his "birthday weekend." So she booked an "extreme wax" and numerous other beauty treatments at a spa, saying she "has to" sleep with David as it's his birthday and they are in a relationship. Does David agree you're in a relationship? What about the FRS?
Liz laundered the incontinent dogs' beds, and bought white pepper at Waitrose to prepare for David's visit. We get a lengthy recap of every present she has ever given him, including the N Peal sweater (a brand that sells real fur, perfect for our animal rights activist Liz) and Dunhill lighter. Also, many "mini-breaks" at 5-star hotels, fashion shows, film premieres, and a "private concert at Abbey Road." Was this before or after your bankruptcy, Liz? This time she's got him a "life-changing gift" ... only for David to casually cancel on her and indicate a lack of interest. Until next week when she will write that he gave her cystitis. There are some Liz Moans about AirBNB, patch tests, and a man who accidentally went to Liz's house instead of next door.
Fan mail: Someone on Twitter complained about Liz and Nic daring to dishonour the name of BoJo by being sarcastic about him last week. Nic snarls "we all have our own opinions!" and she doesn't want to lose listeners. Yeah, there's a middle ground between being kissing arse for a divisive PM, vs expecting your audience to happily swallow every piece of offensive garbage from Lizzie's mouth. We get into some confusing talk about the Tory leadership contest, Liz and Nic do not like Rishi Sunak as he "supports animal testing." Pauline LOVES the podcast and wants more frequent releases, "nah! I'm too busy!" Liz drawls. Hey, all those extreme waxes and anal bleaches take time.
Liz read Why Did You Stay? by Rebecca Humphries. It's a memoir/self-help book by the ex-girlfriend of Seann Walsh, who very publicly cheated on her while appearing on Strictly. Do you notice a theme with Liz's reading material? Nic reads novels, non-fiction, and all sorts of other things while Liz only ever seems to read books about relationship problems. Liz gushes over a quote from the book about how beautiful, brilliant women allow themselves to be undermined by selfish men which is exactly what Liz did but now she sees the light. Why, then, are you so desperate to have a man, Liz?
Of course this is all a thin disguise for her to complain about Nirpal and how everything was his fault. Liz reads out a quote mentioning "anal bleaching" and Nic has a fit of the vapours. Liz tries to imply she too has had her anus bleached; and yells "get away from my back bottom!" She moralises about "learning from past relationships", another stunning case of not practicing what she preaches. Conveniently Liz just happens to have written a column about Seann Walsh at the time, which was "the most shortlisted column for opinions in the history of the whole system." She reads that one out as well, it's very boring, so that's two archive columns we have had this week.
There's some stuff about "exploding ovaries" and Nic turning into Liz Truss, this is apparently Liz Jones's roundabout way of complaining that when she snaps her fingers Nic does not come running that very second. Finally we get to the column, In Which Liz Gets Excited About David's Visit. "Don't groan and don't email in!" she snaps. Don't recycle the same garbage ad infinitum then? She gives a quick "recap" including FRS sex, cystitis, and David agreeing to visit for his "birthday weekend." So she booked an "extreme wax" and numerous other beauty treatments at a spa, saying she "has to" sleep with David as it's his birthday and they are in a relationship. Does David agree you're in a relationship? What about the FRS?
Liz laundered the incontinent dogs' beds, and bought white pepper at Waitrose to prepare for David's visit. We get a lengthy recap of every present she has ever given him, including the N Peal sweater (a brand that sells real fur, perfect for our animal rights activist Liz) and Dunhill lighter. Also, many "mini-breaks" at 5-star hotels, fashion shows, film premieres, and a "private concert at Abbey Road." Was this before or after your bankruptcy, Liz? This time she's got him a "life-changing gift" ... only for David to casually cancel on her and indicate a lack of interest. Until next week when she will write that he gave her cystitis. There are some Liz Moans about AirBNB, patch tests, and a man who accidentally went to Liz's house instead of next door.
Fan mail: Someone on Twitter complained about Liz and Nic daring to dishonour the name of BoJo by being sarcastic about him last week. Nic snarls "we all have our own opinions!" and she doesn't want to lose listeners. Yeah, there's a middle ground between being kissing arse for a divisive PM, vs expecting your audience to happily swallow every piece of offensive garbage from Lizzie's mouth. We get into some confusing talk about the Tory leadership contest, Liz and Nic do not like Rishi Sunak as he "supports animal testing." Pauline LOVES the podcast and wants more frequent releases, "nah! I'm too busy!" Liz drawls. Hey, all those extreme waxes and anal bleaches take time.
Last edited:
So has David cancelled his birthday weekend then? Or in other words he never agreed to such a meeting in the first place, so it's just lies, lies, lies as column filler.
She says his excuse was that he couldn't travel down because of the train strikes but yeah, I doubt any of it was real
Yep..the whole conversation she included about him bringing the gin and the oral sex, lies,damn lies. He really seems to be out of her orbit now.
She SO reads tattle though! We’ve written about how unclassy she is to mention cystitis etc and so now she mentions ‘Anal Bleaching’ and cystitis again!
Oh bring it on Jonesie…you can’t shut up these comments like you have on your godawful column.
oh ffs..have only read the first paragraph of the new dreary in which she spouts the same bs as her last column...almost like Goebbels, tell a lie big enough and keep repeating it and eventually people will come to believe it..nope I think most people who read her rubbish know full well it's lies and also people only read it for it's ability to make your jaw drop in disbelief that she still has this column and gets paid for it.
David has definitely told her to F off..and there's no way he said what she claims that his heart and head says yes, but his body says no and I highly doubt that he thinks that the toxic witch is too good for him, I imagine it's the opposite.
Totally agree that the illustrator has done an excellent job this week, evil old harpy furiously spouting bile on her laptop, whilst sitting on her own.
David has definitely told her to F off..and there's no way he said what she claims that his heart and head says yes, but his body says no and I highly doubt that he thinks that the toxic witch is too good for him, I imagine it's the opposite.
Totally agree that the illustrator has done an excellent job this week, evil old harpy furiously spouting bile on her laptop, whilst sitting on her own.
"A holiday in Marrakech..."
Says the woman who doesn't have holidays.
Says the woman who doesn't have holidays.
You've got to hand it to her...... She performs miracles with the only £4 she possesses. All those 'beauty' treatments 
, hotel room, birthday present. She should surely be our next Chancellor of the Exchequer
, hotel room, birthday present. She should surely be our next Chancellor of the ExchequerThe gates of Hades.. guarded as they are by Cerberus let more cocks in than her vagina.
She’s not getting any, not now, not for years.
Pretence is all. If you pull a thread on a sweater then it all unravels. Not the FRS, not David.. nada, nil men.
You can have as many extreme waxes as you like Liz, you can retouch your failing roots…
( WHO WOULD DO THIS WHILST ENDURING HAIR LOSS?) but basically bald fanny included you need to go pick up poo in the fields again cos that’s your life?
The lies matter because your whole pitch was that you ‘Never lied to your readers’.. yeah you do? You don’t just lie.. you embellish.
None of us believe you’ve even seen a big cock let alone accommodated it. We don’t believe you’re present at ‘Festivals’ have ‘AA’ seats or have cystitis related to sex.
Stop the Fiction.
She’s not getting any, not now, not for years.
Pretence is all. If you pull a thread on a sweater then it all unravels. Not the FRS, not David.. nada, nil men.
You can have as many extreme waxes as you like Liz, you can retouch your failing roots…
( WHO WOULD DO THIS WHILST ENDURING HAIR LOSS?) but basically bald fanny included you need to go pick up poo in the fields again cos that’s your life?
The lies matter because your whole pitch was that you ‘Never lied to your readers’.. yeah you do? You don’t just lie.. you embellish.
None of us believe you’ve even seen a big cock let alone accommodated it. We don’t believe you’re present at ‘Festivals’ have ‘AA’ seats or have cystitis related to sex.
Stop the Fiction.
It's quite sad really, all of that potential, all of those opportunities..wasted, because she is such a narc, believes she is better than everyone else (no she is not) and has totally unattainable standards, that even she can't abide by...imagine if she was not a dog person and was dating someone like her, who lets her dogs run wild, pissing, chewing, killing etc, she would be advocating for the banning of all pets and would sneer at all animal lovers, in fact she does sneer at responsible pet owners who try to give her advice, keep them on leads, train them, feed them a healthy balanced diet, because that does not fit with her perception of "loving" animals and them being part of her family..I remember the ridiculous reference to why could "Michael/Sam" not be considered to be her husband...because he's a fkn dog you moron...in fact I think she even mentioned in that rant, that a turkey (or whatever) could be her nephew..fkn idiot.
Does anyone besides Liz put their earrings in surgical spirits overnight? She's the only person I've ever heard mention it but as she lets her dogs piss in the house I think I'm justified in disregarding her hygiene advice tbh.
Yes…agreed that Jones Moans or loathes or whatever the duck it is, is predictably ridiculous. I don’t know anyone who puts their earrings in surgical spirit including me. They just go on in little trinket dish in my bedroom or back in the jewellery box.
Wonder if tomorrow will be the third week in a row with no comments allowed?
No, my earrings have never seen surgical spirit and I've never heard of anyone doing it. My dog doesn't piss in the house either
Imagine being the poor Airbnb host that has her to stay
Thought she only stayed in luxury country house hotels anywayShe didn't mention the masks or surgical spirit in the podcast and instead ranted about a man mistakenly knocking on her door when he wanted the next house - but that didn't make it to the DIARY. Have they finally learned to not let her slag off identifiable individuals in print?
The amount of hair removal she does, like a bleeping yeti.
- Status