Isn’t her son 10 or 11?? Does he really need his mum walking him to and from school?
Jack Monroe #80 A dog is for life, not just to sadfish
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Please please I implore you let’s never find out we don’t need to know
Never put labels on it since she came out as a non binary vegan and, and...went back in again
Okaaaaaay she's genuinely coming across totally unhinged right now. Insulting her son for daring to have friends, love bombing him all in caps, insinuating there's shady people out to harm him (LOL) - all through the medium of her now very public twitter account 
Gawd bless these threads and us, we are now collectively octogenarian frauen and herren. Time to draw our old age welfare. Congratulations to @TriviaNewtonJohn for another phenomenally lovely thread title! 75 reactionsseasoned pro! (With PBOB)
Recap of thread #79
- Another poorly-written recipe went up on the website, this time for the the rainbow dhansak. Scum, subhuman scum.
- She’s wrestling with both her poverty book and her self-timer button. At least she has some decent headshots, should she ever choose interpretive theatre as a new career path. ‘Jack Monroe: My Block of Ages.’ I can see the billboard now: ‘Blank procrastination, sheer exhaustion and abject despair coming to a community centre near you. Tickets selling slowly.’
- Her ‘patchy’ hairline and ‘slightly distinguished’ temple say hi. We say, ‘A sphincter says what?’
- Burnout strikes again. She has no idea where September went. Babe, same. Are we here again?
- Tired of pictures of doggos, she now wants a real-life doggo. Just, no.
- She asked: ‘If you could do three simple things in the evening before bed that would set you up better for the night and then day ahead, what would yours be?’ Wash. My. Hands.
- ‘Whoopsie sticker’ breakfast consisted of blackened bananas, 10p potato cakes and last scraps of the cooking bacon. That whole sentence made me feel weak with longing for a better world, one without this breakfast in it.
- Oh, look at this PHENOMENALLY LOVELY, GORGEOUS flat that her friend is renting out. She’s imagining herself living there. Can you, dear one? Can you see her there? Can you?? <rattle, rattle goes the tip jar!>
- How’s the, erm ... book going? Hella AF close to the deadline. Hella close.
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For new joiners to the thread, here is @Passive_Aggressive_Lemon ‘s ‘Jack for Dummies’ post (edited to include updated info):
Thought it might be useful for new followers to have a post at the start of each thread with some info.
Limegoss article about Jack versus Jamie Oliver : https://limegoss.com/jack-monroe-jamie-oliver/
Thread #31 is the infamous one in which Jack turns up to talk to us directly. She makes her appearance on p. 17.
For anyone wanting to relive the glory days of her two-week stint on Daily Kitchen Live (DKL), have a grunk a through threads 2-9.
*** JACKISMS ***
Jack’s most oft-used reply to questions on recipe substitutions:
Yes, absolutely x
Some other favourite Jack quotes:
‘Babe, same’
‘I did a chaos’
‘My maverick brain’
‘My sad little face’
‘I’m BUSY’
‘I HOOTED / I am FIZZING’
‘I laughed up a lung’
One of Jack’s followers once referred to Tattlers as sad hausfraus and Jack herself has likened us to a cabal. Therefore we have become the Cabal of Hausfraus™️. She also recently referred to us as ‘gossip mavens’ (so, we are gossip trusted experts). ** Recent additions to her terms of endearment for Tattle: conspiracy wankers, obsessive groups of completely unhinged bullies, bullying ninnies, and malign, vicious bullies **
To ‘GrunkaLunka’ your way through a thread means to catch up on posts. Named after a member who rather epically caught up on many threads in a short period of time (and is also a fearless pioneer of the space-time continuum. She really was here both Now and Then).
Jack once threatened to use her Liam Neeson skills to TRIANGULATE our whereabouts in order to intimidate us, so that’s what we mean by that. * She may also threaten to take us to court - do not be afraid, this is not the first time and it won’t be the last. *
Jack once sideboard modelled a Vivienne Westwood dress, seeming to infer that it’s what Viv would have wanted (as if she were dead), and then got snippy when corrected otherwise. There may be some ‘RIP Viv’ jokes (she is, of course, NOT dead)
We sometimes joke about being on Vladimir Putin’s bitcoin payroll list for being evil trolls.
During her stint on Daily Kitchen Live, Jack produced a godawful looking lasagne, with a thin white sauce that never thickened up, just disappeared. It was widely likened to ‘horse spunk’ - there may be some horse ‘spirit’ lasagne jokes.
Her last-uttered line to Matt Tebutt on DKL was: ‘Thank you so Matt much, Matt’, which made us all HOOT.
Jack ended a tweet that listed her (not unimpressive) four-and-a-half GCSE results (A*, A, B, B, C) with: ‘Now duck off’. We sometimes like to use this in our own posts for comedic effect. We are NOT telling other fraus to duck off, simply paying homage to Jack’s own genteel humour.
*Back in the mists of time, one funny frau used a Jimmy Nail ‘She’s Lying’ picture to illustrate their thoughts on one of Jack’s latest tales. @Alpha Beta thought it was Novak Djokovic, the cabal hooted and Novak Nail was born. You may see reference to Jimmy Nail, Novak Djokovic, or the combination of both: Novak Nail. All demonstrate that she’s lying.*
Also:
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- She grew up in a 5-bed (mortgaged/owned) house
- She got a £4.5k Omega watch for her 21st birthday
- Her dad's a bleeping LANDLORD (an oldy, but a goody)
- Jack and Louisa are no longer in a relationship - in Jack’s words: ‘She [Louisa] left’.
- Her record for staying off Twitter since the start of these threads is 114 hours and 47 minutes.
- She is 90% vegan. The other 10% likes to nom nom on Five Guys burger and discounted chicken slices.
- During her appearance on DKL, she was asked why some mince has a higher fat content. ‘It just does.’
- The information held on her by Companies House has her year of birth WRONG. She was born in 1988, not 1978.
Here is a link to Jack’s Tattle Wiki page, which also includes clips of Matt Tebutt muttering ‘Terrible!’ on Daily Kitchen Live, courtesy of @Yel) and @Bookweevil ‘s hilarious Glossary of Jack.
We are terrible for going off on tangents and using too many gifs, so there is another thread where we don’t discuss JM but instead talk about biscuits and stuff. For good light relief when JM is doing too much chaos, come to the Food & Drink threads in Off Topic.
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You truly are our Queen. Knocking out summaries like that whilst still bathing in the warm afterglow of an afternoon at the Linton Travel Tavern.
Hello Jack have you wrote your booook???Okaaaaaay she's genuinely coming across totally unhinged right now. Insulting her son for daring to have friends, love bombing him all in caps, insinuating there's shady people out to harm him (LOL) - all through the medium of her now very public twitter account
...And yer maw punts cooncil.Isn't the correct response for a wee Scottish lass - 'Yer Da sells Avon'?
The lasagne would beg to differ...
The only malevolent lurker round these parts is Jack. Lurking around these threads like
Nobody caaaaaaares about you or your son. Nobody.
Nobody caaaaaaares about you or your son. Nobody.
Sorry ...I know it's not really "with the programme" but that did genuinely make me laugh out loud.
This is the beginning of it Jack, first he wants to walk home with friends...within a couple of years he won't even acknowledge you in front of friends. Been there and got the t shirt.
It gets to the point that you are good enough for lifts etc but don't dare talk to them or look at them when their friends are about,
@crystaleyesd Your squiggle made a face!
Babe, same. In fact I just got told to stop talking in my own house because my teenager has some group computer game going and his friends might hear me
.Haha....is she kidding. Does she mean us when she speaks of people who might do SB harm.
Not in my nature Jack.... but if you're really concerned then perhaps not sharing his photo and your address on Twitter/Insta would help.
Not in my nature Jack.... but if you're really concerned then perhaps not sharing his photo and your address on Twitter/Insta would help.
If I was her I would be more worried about the fans who are over invested with how he got on with his school speech.
Is she... alluding to childhood riding lessons?
They must have supplemented the ballet classes beautifully. I wish I’d had a working class upbringing as plush as Jack’s.
Also I know she’s trying to be funny and “relatable” talking about putting conditions on making him a nice breakfast and it might be vaguely amusing on the context of a normal person talking about their partner, but when talking about, um, feeding her child it just screams narc abuse.There is no doubt in my mind that she will, no matter how indirectly, punish him as he shows more and more desire to become his own person.
I don’t want to advocate for eugenics or anything, but if in some dystopian future you had to take a test before having kids, she wouldn’t pass it.
Four foot scoundrel?
In Parental Parlance, does this mean he has four feet? Is she talking about her other son, the rabbit here? I’m confused!
Why is she so unpleasant to anyone who dares to have a different opinion?! I just don't get it.
Also.... Jack, if it doesn't actually say free range, organic, not factory farmed on the label, it's probably not.
Also.... Jack, if it doesn't actually say free range, organic, not factory farmed on the label, it's probably not.
Oh also sorry for double posting like an obsessed weirdo but as a supposed ADHD sufferer (or, at least, someone who chases amphetamines from their private doctor under the guise of having it) can she not strongly relate to being forgetful as duck???
I spent, ooh, half my childhood being scolding for losing items that had literally just been put in my hands, and most of my teenage years locked out because I’d lost my keys again.
Surely this resonates with Jack? I mean she did laud that hideous Tiggy + Bo bag (never since mentioned) for its ability to carry things. A vague flash of annoyance is understandable but to tweet about it to your large follower base to shame him for a problem she herself has admitted to having?
God, she’s just an unremitting bleep.
I spent, ooh, half my childhood being scolding for losing items that had literally just been put in my hands, and most of my teenage years locked out because I’d lost my keys again.
Surely this resonates with Jack? I mean she did laud that hideous Tiggy + Bo bag (never since mentioned) for its ability to carry things. A vague flash of annoyance is understandable but to tweet about it to your large follower base to shame him for a problem she herself has admitted to having?
God, she’s just an unremitting bleep.
Why, thank you, kind wine regionYou truly are our Queen. Knocking out summaries like that whilst still bathing in the warm afterglow of an afternoon at the Linton Travel Tavern.
I knocked it out on my Nokia phone while enjoying a ciggie with @Alansbigplate
Isn't she just? Perpetually aggressive and aggrieved..
The whole I'M PRIVATE/oh now I'm not private please retweet/NOW I'M PRIVATE AGAIN thing is so exhausting and cringeworthy. What exactly is that all about. We can still see all the shite you talk, Jack. Still keeping a tally on your many, many inconsistencies! The cat pic last night "he knows". Knows what? That it's your time of the month and you're having an existential crisis? We all know, you told the world you were premenstrual last week! For the love of god stop being so dramatic all the time, I imagine even your biggest fans are wilting right now
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