Jack Monroe #80 A dog is for life, not just to sadfish

[colouredlines]

An evening in Casa Monroe

"I say, Mama, what's for dinner?" chirped SB, a rosy glow in his cherubic cheeks.

"Out of date salad pesto, rinsed beans and rotten chicken livers," twinkled his doting mother. "I call it liver de pollo con rinsed beans. It's exotic. I made it three hours ago for the photos, but I left it on a sideboard so it's not totally cold yet."

SB hopped up and down, filling the shabby bungalow with an ephemera of joy. "Oh, how simply spiffing! The chaps at school will be so jealous tomorrow when I tell them about it as we eat our tuck!"

"Wait a minute," fizzed his mother. "Where's your coat?"

SB percolated guiltily. "Oh, don't be rotten with me, Mama. I'm afraid I've left it at Pater's. I was playing in the lane with a hoop and a stick and I quite forgot all about it."

His mother fell to the floor with a wordless howl of rage, and spent the next five minutes gnashing and thumping before finally coming back to her feet. "Did David Walliams tell you to do that?! Fine, no liver for you. Now fuck off!"

"What rotten luck," bimbled SB.

 

[Silver Linings]

Nobody would have any clue about SB if you didn’t constantly use him for fodder. You libellous cowbag.

 

[TriviaNewtonJohn]

It's like 10,000 spoons when all you need is a wife (sorry, mean but I couldn't resist the rhyme. SHE LEFT!)

 

[Pocahontas]

Gawd bless these threads and us, we are now collectively octogenarian frauen and herren. Time to draw our old age welfare. Congratulations to @TriviaNewtonJohn for another phenomenally lovely thread title! 75 reactions seasoned pro! (With PBOB)


Recap of thread #79

1. Another poorly-written recipe went up on the website, this time for the the rainbow dhansak. Scum, subhuman scum.
2. She’s wrestling with both her poverty book and her self-timer button. At least she has some decent headshots, should she ever choose interpretive theatre as a new career path. ‘Jack Monroe: My Block of Ages.’ I can see the billboard now: ‘Blank procrastination, sheer exhaustion and abject despair coming to a community centre near you. Tickets selling slowly.’
3. Her ‘patchy’ hairline and ‘slightly distinguished’ temple say hi. We say, ‘A sphincter says what?’
4. Burnout strikes again. She has no idea where September went. Babe, same. Are we here again?
5. Tired of pictures of doggos, she now wants a real-life doggo. Just, no.
6. She asked: ‘If you could do three simple things in the evening before bed that would set you up better for the night and then day ahead, what would yours be?’ Wash. My. Hands.
7. ‘Whoopsie sticker’ breakfast consisted of blackened bananas, 10p potato cakes and last scraps of the cooking bacon. That whole sentence made me feel weak with longing for a better world, one without this breakfast in it.
8. Oh, look at this PHENOMENALLY LOVELY, GORGEOUS flat that her friend is renting out. She’s imagining herself living there. Can you, dear one? Can you see her there? Can you?? <rattle, rattle goes the tip jar!>
9. How’s the, erm ... book going? Hella AF close to the deadline. Hella close.
   
   Spoiler: Jack for Dummies

   [*]
   For new joiners to the thread, here is @Passive_Aggressive_Lemon ‘s ‘Jack for Dummies’ post (edited to include updated info):
   
   Thought it might be useful for new followers to have a post at the start of each thread with some info.
   Limegoss article about Jack versus Jamie Oliver : https://limegoss.com/jack-monroe-jamie-oliver/
   
   Thread #31 is the infamous one in which Jack turns up to talk to us directly. She makes her appearance on p. 17.
   
   For anyone wanting to relive the glory days of her two-week stint on Daily Kitchen Live (DKL), have a grunk a through threads 2-9.
   
   *** JACKISMS ***
   
   Jack’s most oft-used reply to questions on recipe substitutions:
   
   Yes, absolutely x
   
   Some other favourite Jack quotes:
   
   ‘Babe, same’
   
   ‘I did a chaos’
   
   ‘My maverick brain’
   
   ‘My sad little face’
   
   ‘I’m BUSY’
   
   ‘I HOOTED / I am FIZZING’
   
   ‘I laughed up a lung’
   
   One of Jack’s followers once referred to Tattlers as sad hausfraus and Jack herself has likened us to a cabal. Therefore we have become the Cabal of Hausfraus™️. She also recently referred to us as ‘gossip mavens’ (so, we are gossip trusted experts). ** Recent additions to her terms of endearment for Tattle: conspiracy wankers, obsessive groups of completely unhinged bullies, bullying ninnies, and malign, vicious bullies **
   
   To ‘GrunkaLunka’ your way through a thread means to catch up on posts. Named after a member who rather epically caught up on many threads in a short period of time (and is also a fearless pioneer of the space-time continuum. She really was here both Now and Then).
   
   Jack once threatened to use her Liam Neeson skills to TRIANGULATE our whereabouts in order to intimidate us, so that’s what we mean by that. * She may also threaten to take us to court - do not be afraid, this is not the first time and it won’t be the last. *
   
   Jack once sideboard modelled a Vivienne Westwood dress, seeming to infer that it’s what Viv would have wanted (as if she were dead), and then got snippy when corrected otherwise. There may be some ‘RIP Viv’ jokes (she is, of course, NOT dead)
   
   We sometimes joke about being on Vladimir Putin’s bitcoin payroll list for being evil trolls.
   
   During her stint on Daily Kitchen Live, Jack produced a godawful looking lasagne, with a thin white sauce that never thickened up, just disappeared. It was widely likened to ‘horse spunk’ - there may be some horse ‘spirit’ lasagne jokes.
   
   Her last-uttered line to Matt Tebutt on DKL was: ‘Thank you so Matt much, Matt’, which made us all HOOT.
   
   Jack ended a tweet that listed her (not unimpressive) four-and-a-half GCSE results (A*, A, B, B, C) with: ‘Now fuck off’. We sometimes like to use this in our own posts for comedic effect. We are NOT telling other fraus to fuck off, simply paying homage to Jack’s own genteel humour.
   
   *Back in the mists of time, one funny frau used a Jimmy Nail ‘She’s Lying’ picture to illustrate their thoughts on one of Jack’s latest tales. @Alpha Beta thought it was Novak Djokovic, the cabal hooted and Novak Nail was born. You may see reference to Jimmy Nail, Novak Djokovic, or the combination of both: Novak Nail. All demonstrate that she’s lying.*
   
   Also:
   

   • She grew up in a 5-bed (mortgaged/owned) house
   • She got a £4.5k Omega watch for her 21st birthday
   • Her dad's a fucking LANDLORD (an oldy, but a goody)
   • Jack and Louisa are no longer in a relationship - in Jack’s words: ‘She [Louisa] left’.
   • Her record for staying off Twitter since the start of these threads is 114 hours and 47 minutes.
   • She is 90% vegan. The other 10% likes to nom nom on Five Guys burger and discounted chicken slices.
   • During her appearance on DKL, she was asked why some mince has a higher fat content. ‘It just does.’
   • The information held on her by Companies House has her year of birth WRONG. She was born in 1988, not 1978.

   [*]
   Here is a link to Jack’s Tattle Wiki page, which also includes clips of Matt Tebutt muttering ‘Terrible!’ on Daily Kitchen Live, courtesy of @Yel) and @Bookweevil ‘s hilarious Glossary of Jack.
   
   We are terrible for going off on tangents and using too many gifs, so there is another thread where we don’t discuss JM but instead talk about biscuits and stuff. For good light relief when JM is doing too much chaos, come to the Food & Drink threads in Off Topic.
   [*]

 

[Marmalade Atkins]

Live from Asda:

 

[heretoreaditall2019]

View attachment 260169
Woman of the people, Jack Monroe.

FANCY!

 

[MancBee]

View attachment 259176
Nobody would have any clue about SB if you didn’t constantly use him for fodder. You libellous cowbag.

Is she suggesting that someone would do harm to her child? What does she think she is, some sort of celebrity? What possible reason would they have for hurting her child? If she is suggesting that someone from here would harm a child she can get to absolute fuck.

Had she not paraded him around, flashing his pictures everywhere nobody would know what he looked like. She is responsible for that.

 

[traumatised sideboard]

Fraus, I am almost certainly just sleep-deprived but I thought I could see a face in this poor ancient roll. Let the yellow-stickered green-tinged bread products go, Jack. It's for the best.

 

[Veronicaaa]

Mmmm delicious.

 

[Bugger13]

This lady who made a perfectly reasonable comment about the dog was then blocked. What a gross brat JM is. I hope you’re reading here jack, you narcissistic prick. Don’t play poor then turn on a sixpence & talk about getting a dog & expect everyone else to have the memory of a fucking goldfish like you seem to. You always blame others for your own contradictory bullshit.

 

[Silver Linings]

Walking behind her son and his friends, arguing with strangers on the Internet.

 

[Themaninblack]

Jack: I don't buy battery farmed anything.
Squiggle: The red tractor says otherwise.
Jack: You are an asshole.

Seriously struggling to follow the logic behind this response.

<your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberries gif>

 

[MarmiteExtract]

 

[kachoochoo]

well, this is decent of her

oh. ok then. i'll start -- wafer thin chicken

 

[Lumpyspaceprincess]

View attachment 259176
Nobody would have any clue about SB if you didn’t constantly use him for fodder. You libellous cowbag.

I live 300 miles away and am not even slightly interested in your child, stop tweeting about him, delete all the pictures you’ve used on a WORK account, don’t let the press photograph him, don’t tell people where you live. Oh and while you’re at it, stop begging for money.

 

[People-huv-tae-know]

Fraus I know this OT and going back a bit but I was in the market for a new bra and it arrived today. Not from R&P (ooh fancy) but Molke which I bought after all the recommendations on here. Especially (forgive me but I can't remember who) the comment which described Molke bras as "the dog's bollocks' Sadly the rainbow one is out of stock in my size but I have a lovely red one and it is soooooo comfy.

Here is my JM style review:
The Molke bra is severely beautiful. It is made of an hauntingly beautiful fabric, smooth and soft on the skin it thrills my quim. The comfort is luscious and gives me oodles of decolletage for my Big Boobs. Those unruly mammary glands can no longer run amok, they are BUSY being well clad and supported leaving me free to neglect writing my stunning and ground breaking poverty potato opus. However I lament that there is no design in Burberry and mud stains. That would truly befit my dazzling denim shirt and granny pants extravaganza style.


My actual review:

It's a cracking fit, dead comfy and has literally perked me right up.

 

[Geetbo]

I hope SB didn’t nip in the chippy for chips and gravy on his way home. He won’t be able to eat his bacon and banana carbonara (13p) and Jack will NOT be happy.

 

[heretoreaditall2019]

View attachment 260319View attachment 260321
skin food.

Those moisturisers could have gone to a women’s shelter, instead they’re being photographed in front of a £1,500 sideboard. Madness.

 

[Pocahontas]

You truly are our Queen. Knocking out summaries like that whilst still bathing in the warm afterglow of an afternoon at the Linton Travel Tavern.

Why, thank you, kind wine region
I knocked it out on my Nokia phone while enjoying a ciggie with @Alansbigplate

 

[blurstoftimes]

View attachment 259176
Nobody would have any clue about SB if you didn’t constantly use him for fodder. You libellous cowbag.

so let me get this straight - she’s telling her 10 year old son he can’t walk home alone with his friends like other kids his age because there are evil stalkers out there that will put him in grave danger? Yet keeps constantly posting about him? That is so messed up. Making him paranoid and scared but also not practicing even the most basic safeguarding l. Textbook narc parent.

She is a CUNT.