- Notice
Marmalade Atkins
VIP Member
Does she need one for under a tenner because she's just spunked £400 on a hammock?
Silver Linings
VIP Member
Ps please may I speak at your festival of tins?
But!
Did you team it with a teething necklace, a flouro animal print bag and an insatiable Patreon account?
If the answer is no! Then of course you must stay!
GrunkaLunka
VIP Member
She said she filmed on one phone and called police on the other.
If it is true, I expect she filmed it surreptitiously rather than hovering over them documentary style.
"This is Jack Monroe, reporting live from the 00:50 to Southend. Bringing you news of a scrap, similar to the one I was involved in during my stint as an #oitnb body double for Ruby Rose."
If it is true, I expect she filmed it surreptitiously rather than hovering over them documentary style.
"This is Jack Monroe, reporting live from the 00:50 to Southend. Bringing you news of a scrap, similar to the one I was involved in during my stint as an #oitnb body double for Ruby Rose."
Marmalade Atkins
VIP Member
Greengage chat.
Small restaurant chat.
Small restaurant chat.
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Just reading her ‘Greengages’ caption ...
Love how she’s gone up in the world - her grandad spread soft white rolls thick with margarine, but she’s going to have hers with fancy butter.
Also, I know she’s attempting to romanticise the meal with descriptions of a ‘chipped Formica table’ in her rented non-bungalow, but the words ‘cheap wet ham’ will never, ever make my mouth water.
Love how she’s gone up in the world - her grandad spread soft white rolls thick with margarine, but she’s going to have hers with fancy butter.
Also, I know she’s attempting to romanticise the meal with descriptions of a ‘chipped Formica table’ in her rented non-bungalow, but the words ‘cheap wet ham’ will never, ever make my mouth water.
Silver Linings
VIP Member
So many separate posts which could be one!!
IndigoStar
Chatty Member
Taking one for the cabal!!!
Episode 1:
We find out why Grandma isn’t talking to Jack and why soda bread is her favourite recipe.
The choice of voice for JM is interesting, lol.
It's all very wotcha Mary Poppins!
(fucking hell this is awful)
June Whitfield has said EJACULATE?! (Or maybe its meant to be e-Jack-ulate
There's a bit about Facebook.... "look at me, look at me, look at me..." aaaaaaaahahahaha
losing the will to live now.
Bollocks.........saying that Jack insisted on being called Jack as an urchin.
Cockney accent is getting worse now. It's suddenly a bit Only Fools n Horses
(I better get a lemon turkish delight after this)
No clue why they are talking about necromancy and Jehovah Witnesses.
June Whitfield is talking about yorkshire pud v vajazzling. WTAF.
"I don't know if she had this thing with brand names or not" hahaha. This is meant to be Jack talking about her Gran giving her Mothers' Pride bread which leads to Jack making home made bread for Gran.
Jack talking about how she wore DM's "even back then" (oh do fuck off)
Jack talking about how she was a star at the church but got the mickey taken out of her at school
Grandma buys her a guitar..zzz...god, is it over yet.
Shite talk about Peter, Paul & Mary and an evangelical revival. Mothballing things cos of Cat Stevens. Jack doing a resurrection.
Fuck they are singing "bread of heaven" now. And fake laughing. Hah. hah. weep.
Now eating noises, talking about Welshmen eating "horrible lava bread" tasting like urine but Jack's bread tasting like heaven.
THANK FUCK... IT'S OVER!!!!!!!!
LavaFlake
VIP Member
Hi Jack! 
Some excellent points have already been made to you tonight but here's a few more.
1. When was the last time you updated your Patreon? Looks like it was over 3 weeks ago. I do hope you're at least prepping those photocards for next month. It's very deceitful otherwise. If you're only updating it very sporadically then you're breaking the terms of your page. It's no better than an illegal MLM scheme, morally in my eyes.
2. My Uncle owned a small cafe and didnt have any time off longer than one day aside from 5 days at Christmas each year for two decades. And no, a day of work for him did not include scrawling through twitter and experimenting with weird jams. It's backbreaking work. Can you do that? Don't insult restaurant and cafe owners like its something easy you can pick up. And a couple of shifts in an ex girlfriends cafe don't count.
3. If you're doing *whispers* Waitrose shops then don't you fucking dare beg your followers via Patreon.
4. @heretoreaditall2019 is as ever, correct. Your social is all over the place. Google the social media marketing funnel for the love of Michael.
5. Wash your damn nails.
Some excellent points have already been made to you tonight but here's a few more.1. When was the last time you updated your Patreon? Looks like it was over 3 weeks ago. I do hope you're at least prepping those photocards for next month. It's very deceitful otherwise. If you're only updating it very sporadically then you're breaking the terms of your page. It's no better than an illegal MLM scheme, morally in my eyes.
2. My Uncle owned a small cafe and didnt have any time off longer than one day aside from 5 days at Christmas each year for two decades. And no, a day of work for him did not include scrawling through twitter and experimenting with weird jams. It's backbreaking work. Can you do that? Don't insult restaurant and cafe owners like its something easy you can pick up. And a couple of shifts in an ex girlfriends cafe don't count.
3. If you're doing *whispers* Waitrose shops then don't you fucking dare beg your followers via Patreon.
4. @heretoreaditall2019 is as ever, correct. Your social is all over the place. Google the social media marketing funnel for the love of Michael.
5. Wash your damn nails.
Adayinthelife
Well-known member
I do not like greengages and ham
I do not like them Jack I am
I do not like them here or there
I do not like them anywhere!
MancBee
VIP Member
My sister was terrified of water as a child. When she had kids they loved swimming but she always made excuses not to go with her husband and kids to the baths. They knew she couldn't swim and teased her relentlessly.
Unbeknownst to them she had lessons, as a gift to herself for her 40th. The kids had arranged to go to the baths on a Saturday, she made the usual excuse of needing to go shopping. Imagine their surprise when they got in the baths to see her swimming away like a good un.
If R Jackie wanted to, she could have lessons, no one is too old to learn a new skill. She could actually meet people and have some fun at the same time. Or be radical and go along with her son for a splash about.
Instead of exercising on her own with a rower and weights, why not join some classes where she could meet people. Body combat clases, boxercise, circuit training. It's not all bums and tums mumsie classes (not that there is anything wrong with those, it just wouldn't fit with her non binary persona. Though she has been know to be mumsie at times, remember the I want to see the manager haircut?)
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Noooooooo, James, noooooooooo
Not another silly twat.
Go and stand in the corner with Nigella and Ian Rankin.
She was probably gutted you couldn’t fit the whole kit and caboodle on there.
‘I want it to say: Food writer, author, blogger, photographer, author, singer, concert pianist, ex-fire service call handler, book reviewer, poet, Ruby Rose’s stand-in, accidentally conquering my fears ...’
...
‘What do you mean, you can’t fit that all on a standard-sized business card?’
And from that time; thenceforth, said scripture would be known as The Book of Jack.
NP
VIP Member
Translation, “I’m explaining myself to Tattle”Has anyone shared this already, sorry if so!
heretoreaditall2019
VIP Member
How have you not been given a weekly mag column yet with write ups like theseCongratulations to @JoyceDivision for the thread title! Your first? 50 reactions
Full title:
She’s got one hand refreshing Twitter, and the other one is playing the piano
Recap of thread #63
Jack’s going out. She wants the world to know, got to let the Cotswold show
Oh Boy, she went out dressed to the nines to eat two meals, complete with a fetching cap and what looked to be a new teething necklace.
She’s been gifted some colourful Tiggy and Bo handbags that can achieve unheard of things for a handbag, such as carrying around multiple possessions. The bags also look bright enough to be used as some sort of beacon, or as an alert for help if lost while hiking.
She demonstrated her encyclopaedic knowledge of the Harvester salad bar menu, while at the same time warning of her potential judgment of choices - a thrilling ride if there ever was one. No update on whether or not she’s found her old name badge yet.
For new joiners to the thread, here is @Passive_Aggressive_Lemon ‘s ‘Jack for Dummies’ post (edited to include updated info):
Thought it might be useful for new followers to have a post at the start of each thread with some info.
Limegoss article about Jack v Jamie Oliver : https://limegoss.com/jack-monroe-jamie-oliver/
Thread no 31 is the infamous thread on which Jack turns up to talk to us directly. She makes her appearance on page 17.
For anyone wanting to re-live the glory days of her 2 week stint on Daily Kitchen Live (DKL): Threads 2-9
*** JACKISMS ***
Jack’s most oft-used reply to questions on recipe substitutions:
Yes, absolutely x
Some other favourite Jack quotes:
‘Babe, same’
‘I did a chaos’
‘My maverick brain’
‘My sad little face’
‘I’m BUSY’
‘I HOOTED / I am FIZZING’
‘I laughed up a lung’
One of Jack’s followers once referred to Tattlers as sad hausfraus and Jack herself has likened us to a cabal. Therefore we have become the Cabal of Hausfraus™️. *She also recently referred to us as ‘gossip mavens’ (so, we are gossip trusted experts)*
To ‘GrunkaLunka’ your way through a thread means to catch up on posts. Named after a member who rather epically caught up on many threads in a short period of time.
Jack once threatened to use her Liam Neeson skills to TRIANGULATE our whereabouts to intimidate us, so that’s what we mean by that.
Jack once sideboard modelled a Vivienne Westwood dress, seeming to infer that it’s what Viv would have wanted (as if she were dead), and then got snippy when corrected otherwise. There may be some ‘RIP Viv’ jokes (she is, of course, NOT dead)
We sometimes joke about being on Vladimir Putin’s bitcoin payroll list for being evil trolls.
During her stint on Daily Kitchen Live, Jack produced a godawful looking lasagne, with a thin white sauce that never thickened up, just disappeared. It was widely likened to ‘horse spunk’ - there may be some horse ‘spirit’ lasagne jokes.
Her last-uttered line to Matt Tebutt on DKL was: ‘Thank you so Matt much, Matt’, which made us all HOOT.
Jack ended a tweet that listed her (not unimpressive) four-and-a-half GCSE results (A*, A, B, B, C) with: ‘Now fuck off’. We sometimes like to use this in our own posts for comedic effect. We are NOT telling other fraus to fuck off, simply paying homage to Jack’s own genteel humour.
Also:
- She grew up in a 5 bed (mortgaged/owned) house
- She got a £4.5k Omega watch for her 21st
- Her dad's a fucking LANDLORD (an oldy, but a goody)
- Jack and Louisa are no longer in a relationship - in Jack’s words: ‘She [Louisa] left’.
- Her record for staying off Twitter since the start of these threads is 114 hours and 47 minutes.
- She is 90% vegan. The other 10% likes to nom nom on Five Guys burger and discounted chicken slices.
- During her appearance on DKL, she was asked why some mince has a higher fat content. ‘It just does.’
Here is a link to Jack’s Tattle Wiki page, which also includes clips of Matt Tebutt muttering ‘Terrible!’ on Daily Kitchen Live, courtesy of @Yel) and @Bookweevil ‘s hilarious Glossary of Jack.
We are terrible for going off on tangents and using too many gifs, so there is another thread where we don’t discuss JM but instead talk about biscuits and stuff. For good light relief when JM is doing too much chaos, come to the Food & Drink threads in Off Topic.
Jack’s going out. She wants the world to know, got to let the Cotswold show 
Honorary mention to the frau that managed to triangulate the hammock, without so much as its IP address! x
She’s thinks she’s so edgy calling her cat an asshole. You are the asshole, Jack. He’s just a poor furred creature having to put up with your crap and be a prop for all the stoopid ‘floof’ shots.
Plus - trash cans?! Freakin’ enough already!
Plus - trash cans?! Freakin’ enough already!
