@crystaleyesd you've got me FIZZING up both my lungs here 
Glorious.
Glorious.
Jack Monroe #64 One hand refreshing Twitter, and the other one playing the piano
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I was thinking the same! It’s all too surreal. I honestly thought that the references to a radio play made about her life was like a running joke among the fraus, I had no idea it was a REAL THING.
I am Grunka'ing because I have been BUSY.
I would like to say 3 things:
Jack is an insufferable arse.
You Fraus can tattle.
Now duck off.
I would like to say 3 things:
Jack is an insufferable arse.
You Fraus can tattle.
Now duck off.
Happy to help Jack:
1. Rinse them (the most important step)
2. Rinse them again
3. Boil to death
4. Add Marmite/Biscoff spread/polenta/custard creams/cheap, wet ham/lemon curd (any combination of the above will work, just use your maverick instincts!)
5. Season with plenty of (bottled) lemon and pepper
6. Pulverise them in your high-end blender of choice until the finished result looks like it's already been digested at least twice
7. Take photo while cradling bowl lovingly (using tongue, obvs)
8. Sell said photo for £14.99 to mugs with more money than sense
I wish I'd kept the business card from a RNR captain I once knew. It listed things like crocodile wrestler, lover, smooth talker, etc.
Especially as we all know it'll end up as slop anyway!
Christ! I hope you had carnal knowledge of him, he sounds amazing! Like Michael Douglas in Romancing the Stone
Babe, same.
I've been FIZZING reading the past few pages and have laughed up not only a lung, but assorted other organs too. You fraus and herren are all comic geniuses!
Come, come - it was you who teed off the day (night?) with that post-apocalyptic zinger. Absolute masterpiece, I’ve read it about, I’m going to say three, times. Like The Road crossed with It’s A Wonderful Life
If eating jacks food is a surefire way to death then sign me upProps to the HE institutional frauen taking one for the team with the god-awful radio programme. I'm on a deadline today but happy to listen to more next week, cringe myself inside out, and report back.
She's determined to punish her parents for their wrongdoings, perceived or real, isn't she? I mean, it never happens that really bleeping old fruit trees die and have to be cut down, does it? And has she not considered that perhaps it was so painful for her dad to have to see the tree after his father had passed away that he just needed the reminder gone? God forbid anyone else should have feelings, or pain.
I'm a nail-biter of three decades so I've never actually had nails to know if they get minging (other than acrylics) and thus I've never actively commented on the detritus under her nails but... that is bleeping foul. No wonder she doesn't seem to have any friends, they all contracted dysentery and snuffed it after eating her food.
Samphire eh? I have seen that growing on the shore off that notorious dogging spot near Southend I mentioned, and tesco, obv.
Extreme TURBO burnout over then?
Someone's been snarfing again (
), the greedy little goblin
What's she on about "cooking again is a good sign'. Of what? Cooking in Edinburgh, cooking at home (polenta, the mess tin cake), she's always going on about cooking for the boy, she had a soup reducing on the hob for herself last week. So now we're simultaneously cooking and not cooking, as well as working and sleeping 22 hours a day, and not forgetting being a best selling successful author but also a poor, struggling freelancer. Got it.
That's going to look...like something has clotted.
In other random facts, did you know that in Japan, it used to be a custom to cook Red Adzuki beans and rice together to mark a girl's menarche?
When will she learn that spamming instagram effs up her engagement? Her 2 most recent pics haven’t even got 500 likes.
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