Jack Monroe #61 Complete, made up, fanciful nuclear-level bollocks

[colouredlines]

PLENTY OF BLACK PEPPER KLAXON

17 August 2020. A momentous day in the life of J Monroe.

With her admission that adding cream to her, er, weird gross stewy thing didn't work...Jack has, for the first time ever, made a dish that was not perfect first time.

Does this mean that she's lost her magic autistic palate? Chemical rollercoaster in action?

 

[Saint_clemmie]

Hmmm I’m doubtful that the photo was snapped before a night out. She’s dressed up for the shot which is very ammeter but probably taken with a half decent camera.

There has been at least one studio shot of her circulating twitter and appearing briefly on tattle, I’d put money on it being from the same shoot.

 

[Flash]

PLENTY OF BLACK PEPPER KLAXON

This looks like bleeping vomit. Why is she incapable of creating food that doesn’t look like it’s already been eating at least once??
Also is she going to mention that she’s ill on every post she makes on this new app? ‘Here’s some slop I flung and bunged, BY THE WAY DID I MENTION IM ILL???’

 

[Hellybelly]

The worst thing is that her tights don't fit properly. They are stretched behind her knee, like webbed feet, instead of fitting snug to the skin.

And I've worked in many a nightclub, but never 8 hours without a break. I don't believe she was ever on her feet for 8 hours in those shoes.

Babe, same. I worked in a club for 2 years, hours 9-3 am with 2 breaks during the course of the night.

 

[MancBee]

View attachment 215001
Caption for the Cabaret pic on insta. Why does she hate paragraphs? Let’s also add ‘bartender’ to the list of irritating americanisms.

"I wonder what the next 12 (years) will bring?" Well I doubt it will bring the fame she so desperately wants. Or anything edible from her kitchen.

 

[Lanie]

This looks like bleeping vomit. Why is she incapable of creating food that doesn’t look like it’s already been eating at least once??
Also is she going to mention that she’s ill on every post she makes on this new app? ‘Here’s some slop I flung and bunged, BY THE WAY DID I MENTION IM ILL???’

That would be stodgy at hell. You literally wouldn't want to eat again and it would probably constipate the poor kid. Once wrong with a good chicken stew or the Mac n cheese on its on.

Seriously her next book should be 1000000000000 good food recipies not included. (Soz)

 

[ChickenPorridge]

Hmmm I’m doubtful that the photo was snapped before a night out. She’s dressed up for the shot which is very ammeter but probably taken with a half decent camera.

There has been at least one studio shot of her circulating twitter and appearing briefly on tattle, I’d put money on it being from the same shoot.

Definitely looks like a tragic wannabe-showbiz type shoot in somebody's mum's back bedroom, or something.

 

[IndigoStar]

Hmmm I’m doubtful that the photo was snapped before a night out. She’s dressed up for the shot which is very ammeter but probably taken with a half decent camera.

There has been at least one studio shot of her circulating twitter and appearing briefly on tattle, I’d put money on it being from the same shoot.

it reminds me of the stuff that all the teenage emo chicks would post on deviantArt back in the day. Next up, macro shot of mascara/eyeliner tears.

 

[Pigman]

I have a recipe similar I use for pie fillings or just served with new potatoes. Chicken slow cooked, stock, leeks, onions, celery. I occasionally put beans in, usually a butter bean. Garlic, sage, salt, pepper.

I add double cream sometimes, dependant on how I feel.

It’s a really ‘traditional’ recipe, nothing new and exciting...she is a maverick though. It is her recipe NOW whilst she eats ‘4 portions of it’.

Can we add that to the list of supposed binge eating she has mentioned again?

Three portions surely?

 

[Incywincy]

Sorry to be a pain mentioning things 30 threads ago but I have just PULLED A MUSCLE laughing at Novak Nail @Silver Linings

 

[FrumpyCat]

Yeah, I'm not saying poor MH means someone can't be a good parent (just to be clear on that one, my comment was probably a bit wooly there). But it's things like her saying she walks 20k steps a day that get me wondering how that's possible with her son being there, I mean I have a 12 year old lad and I can't just pop out for a walk every day unless he's at school. She trips herself up over the tit she chats doesn't she.

Didn't she also say she met her kids dad whilst working in a coffee shop, but then had to leave the fire service when she had her baby, so was she still working in the coffee shop when she was pregnant? Working in the coffee shop, as a bar tender and a call handler all at the same time? Doesn't make sense to me. And yes, Facebook was a big thing 12 years ago for sure.

I'm assuming she is lying about walking 20k steps a day, whilst sleeping for 22 hours , even if she was sleep walking. But thinking she is lying is !u default stance with her.

I think, between her social media rampages, and when her son is with her she does perfectly normal parenting things, getting him off to school, cooking his supper. nagging him to tidy his room, negotiating bedtimes etc just like the way she was brought up. Except for some reason she wants to portray herself as a free spirited, maverick, manic pixie dreamgirl.

 

[Marmalade Atkins]

But it's things like her saying she walks 20k steps a day that get me wondering how that's possible with her son being there, I mean I have a 12 year old lad and I can't just pop out for a walk every day unless he's at school. She trips herself up over the tit she chats doesn't she.

She does it without leaving her crappy bungalow, that's how. TWENTY FIVE THOUSAND STEPS. Indoors. No, really.

Screenshot from @Silver Linings on June 19th.

 

[Saint_clemmie]

it reminds me of the stuff that all the teenage emo chicks would post on deviantArt back in the day. Next up, macro shot of mascara/eyeliner tears.

It’s definitely a studio shot, or a studio set up at least. It’s very brightly lit and high contrast. Camera phones or even point and shoot cameras weren’t that great in 2008. You just have to scroll back through your Facebook timeline to see the difference.

 

[Hellybelly]

She does it without leaving her crappy bungalow, that's how. TWENTY FIVE THOUSAND STEPS. Indoors. No, really.

View attachment 215034

Screenshot from @Silver Linings on June 19th.

I stand corrected. She jogging on the spot or what?!

 

[SweetTransvestite]

Whoever said she’s a cross between Daddy Pig and Miss Rabbit has ENDED ME. I’m proper giggling like a child

HOOTING some may say

Same babe, same x

 

[Flash]

She does it without leaving her crappy bungalow, that's how. TWENTY FIVE THOUSAND STEPS. Indoors. No, really.

View attachment 215034

Screenshot from @Silver Linings on June 19th.

Re. the steps thing, I’m starting to seriously wonder if she’s misreading her Fitbit (or whatever step counting device she’s using) and in fact is averaging 2k steps* daily
*Thats what mine says on a bare minimum day eg wfh at a computer 7-8hrs, minimal non-chef kitchen activity, no walk, bare minimum housework, basically sloth day. So it stands to reason that someone sleeping for 22 hours a day and reading for 7 or whatever it was would possibly rack up the same.
(Aware I’m outing myself as a lazy arse here )

 

[Abie Seedy]

Hmmm I’m doubtful that the photo was snapped before a night out. She’s dressed up for the shot which is very ammeter but probably taken with a half decent camera.

There has been at least one studio shot of her circulating twitter and appearing briefly on tattle, I’d put money on it being from the same shoot.

Talking of which, does anyone remember the thing where she received a (quite obviously) phishing e-mail about becoming a model? Presumably the same one that Daisy May Cooper received and responded to. (If you're not familiar with DMC's IG account, you really should be!) I seem to recall she took the whole thing seriously.

That's the trouble with narcissists. I'll bet the notion that she'd genuinely been scouted kept her warm for a good couple of days.

 

[maytoseptember]

I'd like to know where the actual chicken went, if there was an 81p free-range chicken to begin with.

She
Is
Lying

I have never seen a whole chicken reduced to 81p anywhere, even when I worked in a bleeping supermarket 20 years ago. Even when I’ve been perusing the 10p yellow sticker bargains 30 minutes before closing time on a Sunday. Nope. Didn’t happen.

Free range, organic AND corn fed? They’re expensive. I wouldn’t expect to see one reduced to below a fiver quite frankly. And I’d never buy one reduced to 81p because it would be about five minutes away from its Best Before date to be sold off that cheap. Mmm, salmonella...

It didn’t happen. Jack bought a full price chicken but had to pretend it was heavily reduced and high welfare, so it would, like, be a CRIME not to have bought it. Don’t come for me, vegans!

 

[ChickenPorridge]

Talking of which, does anyone remember the thing where she received a (quite obviously) phishing e-mail about becoming a model? Presumably the same one that Daisy May Cooper received and responded to. (If you're not familiar with DMC's IG account, you really should be!) I seem to recall she took the whole thing seriously.

That's the trouble with narcissists. I'll bet the notion that she'd genuinely been scouted kept her warm for a good couple of days.

Sorry but no, wrong! Hers was legit. She checked him out and everything. Totally legit, sorry. Wrong. Not the first time she's been scouted either, so what do you know dear heart. She was on X FACTOR you know.

 

[colouredlines]

For the sake of comparison: I'm about 5cm taller than Jack I think, though god knows if she lies about her height. Today I walked a mere 19.950 steps (our heroine would scoff at me).

That's 15km.

That was over 3 hours of walking during the day.

I sure as tit didn't get there doing laps of my (rented) flat...