Jack Monroe #54 Thank you so Matt much, Matt

[Saint_clemmie]

She has serious mental problems.

Or is she just a head?

 

[I steal names]

Jesus christ, that essay is absolutely ludicrous. She has no self awareness at all, and how/why are people still lapping up her recycled tales of her "poverty"?! What does rehashing her own tales of woe bring to the table today?

Did she sleep at all last night? Why aren't her followers/blue tickers concerned about someone who is clearly not quite stable tweeting relentlessly like this?! I keep thinking, if it was my friend or family member, I'd be taking them to the side and checking on them, not fawning.

So many questions, so much confusion, and I've not had my coffee yet. I'm putting a bet on now, we'll see her sometime around lunchtime, when she's had a few hours sleep and needs to see how much attention she's getting. Pitiful.

 

[Begborrowsteal]

She didnt get the grades for A Levels so she was 'thrust' into a minimum wage job. I left with 2 GCSEs (stopped going to school due to bullying/depression) and went to work, and absolutely loved it. I worked my way up and got on with my life

 

[Cuileann]

Still need to catch up on the last 5 pages but I’ve learnt a lesson...don’t read about JM before going to sleep otherwise you have eff’d up dreams...will put behind spoiler as a bit weird!

Spoiler: Weird JM dream (bit violent)

So in said dream I was on a school trip (assume my subconscious regressed back to then as it can only make sense of JM’s behaviour that way?!). Anyway I was on a bus (that was also a plane, fancy) and ended up sat next to her. She was a pain in the backside and harassed me so much both physically/verbally, let alone invading my space that other people asked for her to be moved which she was. Of course she played the victim and didn’t go quietly. We finally get to our destination and the scene changes and she’s chasing MOD (I swear I had no cheese last night) and suddenly it becomes a slasher movie and she attacks MOD?!?!?! It then turns into a scene from Greys Anatomy where MOD is saved in dramatic scenes while JM is hunted down and found back at the scene of the crime taking pictures!!! By which point I’m like ‘get me the f out of here’ and I end up at an apartment, unlock the door and lo and behold who has broken into my home - JM - and she’s pulling stuff apart to sell and inspecting my tinned goods. Thankfully I then woke up. Obviously m’lud it was all a dream.

Oh my god she also had a cameo in my dream!! Highly disturbing! She was teaching at the school I work at (think it was all that, I'M ON THE GCSE SYLLABUS DON'T YOU KNOW, as IF any self respecting English teacher would choose to teach whichever section her work appears in ) Anyway, luckily it morphed into some other randomness and she only made the briefest of appearances.

 

[Nottonightbabe]

The phrasing in that article that is way too close to sexual abuse is bleeping disgusting. She is SO triggering.

Wanting a forever home where she can paint the walls whatever colour she wants? LOOK WHAT YA DID TO THE SHED!! She took windows out and all sorts. Will ya ever fuuuuck off!!

That particular phrase stood straight out to me too, she knows exactly what she's referring to there and it's gross and bloody unnecessary. bleeping thoughtless woman.

 

[Gentlemensrelish]

Im the same age as Jack. I dont remember anything about 'half' GCSEs!?

I'm the same age as you and Jack and have a half GCSE in IT and, I think, history (they were called short courses, they only differed in that they covered half the syllabus of a full GCSE).

I don't bother to distinguish between them because... I'm an adult with a job and I don't imagine employers care about the exact content of my GCSEs. I also don't think it's cute to say I have 9.5, with the vague implication that I failed half of one rather than the less thrilling reality that it was compressed content!

 

[help i need some help!]

A Frau (apologies for not remembering who) suggested a JM glossary. I undertook this Herculean task this evening, quickly realising that it is far beyond the means of one lone Frau. I now understand how Dr Johnson felt writing the dictionary. This attempt only scrapes the surface....

Spoiler: Glossary

Bandwagon: for jumping on with emphatic abandon and the fire of 1000 suns. Abandon the
moment the social media likes start to drop off.
BUSY: JM’s usual status. For many of us, life is busy. The NHS is busy. Scientists trying to find a
Covid vaccine are busy. Working single parents are busy. Jack, though, is BUSY. See the
difference, mofos?
Body of work: usage - ‘read my whole’.
Buying followers: a mystical, sinister phrase which, when uttered by Tattlers, summons JM to the
thread like Candyman.
Cabal: a glorious, empathetic ray of sunshine.
Canal: an autocorrect of cabal which has been joyfully embraced. Think Venice, not industrial
shopping-trolley filled waterway.
Chaos: usage, ‘I did a chaos’. When you have been paid for a professional performance, duck it
right up and revel in it.
Chippy chips : shorthand for a quest that is impossible and will never be fulfilled. Think trying to
find the Holy Grail, in space while riding a donkey and chewing on a unicorn.
Churn: verb, used for the effortless production of best-sellers.
Cotswold Company, The: a cheap-as-chips vegan sideboard specialist.
Corned beef: grate it. Grate it like a goddamn motherfucker.
Cough up a lung: an action JM threatened to perform when Daily Kitchen Live was renewed as a
result of the Cabal’s contribution to the viewing figures. Reader, it was not renewed. All lungs were
safe.
Dishoom: an independent Edinburgh restaurant known only to born and bred locals, patronised
by JM on her recent trip.
Edinburgh sleeper: budget travel for the income-uneasy.
Five figures: a paltry sum.
Five Guys: a small, independent Aberdeen Angus-themed burger bar in a tiny, medieval
backstreet of Edinburgh, still run by the same kilted family who founded it 900 years ago.
Forearms: Matt off Daily Kitchen live has a fine pair, often noted by keen-eyed fraus.
Frau: a member of the cabal. A JM follower referred to Tattlers as ‘sad hausfraus’. We have owned
it.
Government adviser: a badge of honour you’re entitled to when you sign a 38 Degrees petition.
Groucho: a central London food bank
Grunking/Grunka’ing/Grunka Lunkering: frau GrunkaLunka is a legend on the JM threads and
viewed as a Dr Who figure. They once undertook an epic, time-spinning journey through all the
JM threads while simultaneously sending reactions to posts into the future, where fraus were
reading the threads in real-time. It blew all our minds.
Hair loss: when you shave off your hair.

Holmes, Eamonn: the Anglicised name of an Easter Island statue brought on as an unimpressed
backdrop to JM’s lingreenie segment on This Morning.
Home - variously, Edinburgh, Southend, Belfast, the lemon groves of Cyprus (to be continued….)
Howling: a generic term to describe pain. If you pitch it any less dramatically you’re unlikely to get
TV work.
Hyperbole: standard writing style used for writing about your hardships and wild, motherfucking
successes.
I’m not going anywhere: a phrase used when you’re about to go somewhere, generally Edinburgh.
Letdown Larder - the fraus renaming of the chaotic ‘Leftover Larder’ Hellmann’s paid a fortune for.
Maverick: a descriptor used by JM to describe her brain and carefree, smarter-than-you, off-the-
wall and generally special approach to life.
Maverick, Tom Cruise gif: the fraus’ most popular gif, featuring a twinkly-eyed Tom smiling and
putting on a pair of shades. This is the equivalent of catnip to many fraus and can multiply the
amount of time it takes to read a thread by 20 each time it’s used. This makes GrunkaLunka’s feat
even more impressive.
Michael Fassbender: the ultimate lesbian test
Mince, fat content: unknown, a mystery.
NOW: as in ‘I only have one cat now’. A time phenomenon, not unrelated to GrunkaLunka’s
warping of time, in which JM can only count or confirm elements in her life right NOW. Yes, she
may have had 3 sideboards 5 minutes ago, but she has only 1 that she is sitting on NOW.
Origin story: JM is a super-hero to the poor and society generally. She doesn’t have a biography
or a CV, she has an origin story. For God’s sake, read it.
Ouchy: a term used to describe the worst pain known to a living being. You can’t even imagine it
because, no matter what you’ve been through, JM has been through FAR worse. I mean, have
you even attempted to have lip fillers?
Passive aggressive lemon: JM’s social media strategy.
Patreon: a benefit any middle-class Twitter activist is entitled to by law.
Political prisoner: an overseas personage imprisoned by a vile, despotic government who is
wholly dependent on JM’s DMs for their chance of liberty. Just think how different Nelson
Mandela’s life could have been if JM and her Twitter had been around.
Putin: famously funds the cabal. If you’re a regular contributor but you haven’t been getting
sweet, sweet Bitcoin email [email protected] to rectify.
Self-employed: the lowest social strata.
Shed: a much-trumpeted outbuilding that had its transformation trailed on social media with more
fanfare than a royal wedding. Quickly abandoned due to lack of interest.

Shins: an anatomical feature of the classic pervert. Should you see a bearer of ‘shins’, you must
kick them immediately. You’re far too hot not to.
crappy bungalow - a lovely, light airy home with multiple bedrooms, a duck-off bathroom, big
kitchen, room for 3 sideboards, an additional floor and a garden big enough to lose wysteria in.
Sideboard: a highly versatile piece of equipment. You can build your biceps by shifting a 93kg one
of these bad boys into your house, pop onto it for a reclining photoshoot in your pants before
gamely grating a courgette on its shimmering surface.
Silver Linings: the archivist of the thread. The Rector of Receipts. The Cataloguer of the Cabal.
Widely-admired.
Single parent: when you have, by your own admission, a wonderful, caring co-parent to share
childcare with but he isn’t in the room with you NOW, thus rendering you a single parent without
childcare.
Social media break: the 5 mins you take off Twitter while you’re lugging a 93kg sideboard into one
of your reception rooms.
Thankyou: a sticking together of two words that are conventionally used to express gratitude in
order to shut down a Twitter interaction.
Thankyou very Matt much Matt: a variation on the traditional ‘thankyou’, this is a way to close off
an unsuccessful stint on a live cooking show, removing all gratitude for your co-presenter.
Tongue - appliance for taking selfies. Remember to learn how to use a camera timer, though, so
you can get a picture of the ‘tongue’ in action.
Triangulate: JM claims to have a particular set of skills that would make Liam Neeson’s kneecaps
implode with envy and she is not afraid to use it to knock on the front doors of the trembling
cabal.
Vegan (90%): a particularly hardcore sector of veganism where eating cheap hot-dogs is allowed
for 90% of the time, as long as the other 10% comprises bottled lemon juice
yes, absolutely x: this is the term you can roll out when asked for a professional opinion on
anything. See also: Father Ted’s ‘That would be an ecumenical matter’.

View attachment 196216

Genius, just superb.

 

[I steal names]

I'm going to be snarky now, but do you think her missing half GCSE is why she cannot get it into her head that THANK YOU is two words?!

I'm joking, obv. But I do think that her overly flowery prose is used because she thinks that people will be so amazed at this poor little, no A level having, "untrained" writer, using a wider vocab than they'd expect. (Even if it isn't always right.)

 

[Begborrowsteal]

I'm the same age as you and Jack and have a half GCSE in IT and, I think, history (they were called short courses, they only differed in that they covered half the syllabus of a full GCSE).

I don't bother to distinguish between them because... I'm an adult with a job and I don't imagine employers care about the exact content of my GCSEs. I also don't think it's cute to say I have 9.5, with the vague implication that I failed half of one rather than the less thrilling reality that it was compressed content!

Id never heard of half GCSEs! My school didnt do them, we only had double awards as an extra.

Its weird to be hung up on GCSEs as an adult in their 30s. Like you say, employers wont care!

 

[MooBelle]

As a side not, but not OT...check out the Gourmet Gays Twitter. They hate Jack. She tried to cosy up to them a while back but they saw through her bullshit and called her out on it. She had a tantrum and blocked them. Then she unblocked them and started sniping back they called out her bullshit again then she blocked them again.
Rinse (beans) and repeat....
Anyway, there is a funny tweet just gone out. I can't post as my phone is rubbish. Basically it is saying 'by what standard would you consider someone to be living in poverty?'

Made me giggle a bit as it is almost certainly a response to Madam's tantrum last night

 

[Tabitha D]

Re this comment she makes in the article: “Poverty has been proven to change the very makeup of a persons brain”. As far as I’m aware, this argument relates to the effects of chronic poverty on brain development i.e. children, rather than adults. It’s an important distinction, not that she even considers relating it to her child. It’s still only about her.

 

[holliebollie]

Whoever said that she has been living the high life for longer than she was poor, therefore should now write about being a sugar baby was SPOT ON (Sorry, I forgot who it was)! Her short time on benefits/being a food bank user has no relevance in 2020. She's never even experienced universal credit, it was THAT long ago.

I was a single parent while at uni (I still am and have actually seen the absolute bollocks that is UC). I had a few times ten years ago when I had to ask my family for money for food and bills due to late loan payments (and to be honest, crap money management skills of a 21 year old).

BUT.... it was sooooooo long ago! I couldn't tell you any details! I couldn't tell you how much a tub of ice cream was. All I know is that a long time ago in my life I had a few short periods of having no money. As do most people. Her constant embellishment of situations just makes it so obvious it's all a story in her head, constantly rehearsed until she has every detail set in stone (e.g. the pink hat!). Unless it's her maverick brain, of course.

 

[Lanie]

Also if I was her friend I would be changing her passwords and making her recovery password email my own to you know( help her with her work) keep the f off twitter until she sorts her head.

 

[GothPrincess]

Well. Honestly. How is she looking after her child if she has to sleep today?

That glossary is brilliant.

 

[sineadf]

What's all this about "years of helping families" that she claims, is there any evidence of this? Did she ever give cooking lessons in schools or community centres in areas of food poverty? I remember Jamie got flak for his school dinners and Ministry of Food campaigns and some people thought he could be a bit tone deaf and heavy handed at times, but he was genuinely trying to get people to eat more healthily on a budget. He loves and cares about food. All Jack seems to produce is self absorbed written rants and awkward inept TV appearances, her food knowledge and cooking skills are poor and she hasn't a clue how to live on a budget. Cringing at the latest nonsense.

 

[help i need some help!]

So here it is. I honestly don’t know where to start.

You Don’t Batch Cook When You’re Suicidal | JACK MONROE

than oven chips. It disappeared from my site when it crashed late last year, but for posterity I have reposted it in its unedited entirety]

cookingonabootstrap.com

I simply CBA to read it, its going to be the usual self indulgent virtue signalling, verbal slop. Grammar school teaches a wide vocabulary but if you want people to take note Jackie, keep it clear, concise and objective.

 

[Begborrowsteal]

Well. Honestly. How is she looking after her child if she has to sleep today?

That glossary is brilliant.

Ive said so many times and I stand by it - I think SB is with his Dad more than her. She has shown she is manic and unstable, not a chance can she be the primary carer. (Just my opinion and speculation jackie)

 

[triangulateme]

Finally GL’d my way to the present time. I have nothing useful to add really that hasn’t already been said already. Tonight’s Twitter diarrhoea has added nothing to the conversation on the National Food Strategy that she claims to have been part of. She only spoke of it to say, “Look what I did” then she’s rambled on for hours about herself, her very brief experience with poverty and started a Twitter pile-on as per usual. Any experiences of real poverty shared by others has been met with, “Oh I did that too but worse”. The gall to talk about poverty as if it is still her experience when she has spent thousands during lockdown on appliances, furniture, fannying about with her shed, plus her expensive trip to Scotland. She earned at least £10k to make 6 awful IG live videos where she made a bleeping sandwich, while most of the nation are furloughed and/or facing redundancy. Yet she talks about poverty like she still lives it. She was poor for 6 months/2 years depending on which story you believe. I honestly don’t know how someone can be so unaware that what they are saying doesn’t match up to how they actually live day to day? No-one with money worries can horse spunk £3k on a fridge.

Never has a truer paragraph been written.

 

[LavaFlake]

Id never heard of half GCSEs! My school didnt do them, we only had double awards as an extra.

Its weird to be hung up on GCSEs as an adult in their 30s. Like you say, employers wont care!

I did half GCSEs in ICT and Welsh in the late 00s. But absolutely, school isn't for everyone but you can still carve your own niche if you get your head down and work from 16 onwards. Not to sound bootstrapy, I know it's not easy at all to work your way up without qualifications but it's frustrating that she's almost putting that a key part of her sob story, when despite her 4.5 GCSEs she was on 27K at 22 in the fire service - a brilliant accomplishment! It clearly didn't stop her getting that job...

 

[help i need some help!]

View attachment 196342

I'm so disappointed in Mr Heaton...