Marmalade Atkins
VIP Member
Jack at the Ivy 
- Notice
Brian Butterfield
VIP Member
Jack Monroe Thread #55: Are you aware of my work, Barbara?
Bookweevil
Well-known member
A Frau (apologies for not remembering who) suggested a JM glossary. I undertook this Herculean task this evening, quickly realising that it is far beyond the means of one lone Frau. I now understand how Dr Johnson felt writing the dictionary. This attempt only scrapes the surface....
Bandwagon: for jumping on with emphatic abandon and the fire of 1000 suns. Abandon the
moment the social media likes start to drop off.
BUSY: JM’s usual status. For many of us, life is busy. The NHS is busy. Scientists trying to find a
Covid vaccine are busy. Working single parents are busy. Jack, though, is BUSY. See the
difference, mofos?
Body of work: usage - ‘read my whole’.
Buying followers: a mystical, sinister phrase which, when uttered by Tattlers, summons JM to the
thread like Candyman.
Cabal: a glorious, empathetic ray of sunshine.
Canal: an autocorrect of cabal which has been joyfully embraced. Think Venice, not industrial
shopping-trolley filled waterway.
Chaos: usage, ‘I did a chaos’. When you have been paid for a professional performance, fuck it
right up and revel in it.
Chippy chips : shorthand for a quest that is impossible and will never be fulfilled. Think trying to
find the Holy Grail, in space while riding a donkey and chewing on a unicorn.
Churn: verb, used for the effortless production of best-sellers.
Cotswold Company, The: a cheap-as-chips vegan sideboard specialist.
Corned beef: grate it. Grate it like a goddamn motherfucker.
Cough up a lung: an action JM threatened to perform when Daily Kitchen Live was renewed as a
result of the Cabal’s contribution to the viewing figures. Reader, it was not renewed. All lungs were
safe.
Dishoom: an independent Edinburgh restaurant known only to born and bred locals, patronised
by JM on her recent trip.
Edinburgh sleeper: budget travel for the income-uneasy.
Five figures: a paltry sum.
Five Guys: a small, independent Aberdeen Angus-themed burger bar in a tiny, medieval
backstreet of Edinburgh, still run by the same kilted family who founded it 900 years ago.
Forearms: Matt off Daily Kitchen live has a fine pair, often noted by keen-eyed fraus.
Frau: a member of the cabal. A JM follower referred to Tattlers as ‘sad hausfraus’. We have owned
it.
Government adviser: a badge of honour you’re entitled to when you sign a 38 Degrees petition.
Groucho: a central London food bank
Grunking/Grunka’ing/Grunka Lunkering: frau GrunkaLunka is a legend on the JM threads and
viewed as a Dr Who figure. They once undertook an epic, time-spinning journey through all the
JM threads while simultaneously sending reactions to posts into the future, where fraus were
reading the threads in real-time. It blew all our minds.
Hair loss: when you shave off your hair.
Holmes, Eamonn: the Anglicised name of an Easter Island statue brought on as an unimpressed
backdrop to JM’s lingreenie segment on This Morning.
Home - variously, Edinburgh, Southend, Belfast, the lemon groves of Cyprus (to be continued….)
Howling: a generic term to describe pain. If you pitch it any less dramatically you’re unlikely to get
TV work.
Hyperbole: standard writing style used for writing about your hardships and wild, motherfucking
successes.
I’m not going anywhere: a phrase used when you’re about to go somewhere, generally Edinburgh.
Letdown Larder - the fraus renaming of the chaotic ‘Leftover Larder’ Hellmann’s paid a fortune for.
Maverick: a descriptor used by JM to describe her brain and carefree, smarter-than-you, off-the-
wall and generally special approach to life.
Maverick, Tom Cruise gif: the fraus’ most popular gif, featuring a twinkly-eyed Tom smiling and
putting on a pair of shades. This is the equivalent of catnip to many fraus and can multiply the
amount of time it takes to read a thread by 20 each time it’s used. This makes GrunkaLunka’s feat
even more impressive.
Michael Fassbender: the ultimate lesbian test
Mince, fat content: unknown, a mystery.
NOW: as in ‘I only have one cat now’. A time phenomenon, not unrelated to GrunkaLunka’s
warping of time, in which JM can only count or confirm elements in her life right NOW. Yes, she
may have had 3 sideboards 5 minutes ago, but she has only 1 that she is sitting on NOW.
Origin story: JM is a super-hero to the poor and society generally. She doesn’t have a biography
or a CV, she has an origin story. For God’s sake, read it.
Ouchy: a term used to describe the worst pain known to a living being. You can’t even imagine it
because, no matter what you’ve been through, JM has been through FAR worse. I mean, have
you even attempted to have lip fillers?
Passive aggressive lemon: JM’s social media strategy.
Patreon: a benefit any middle-class Twitter activist is entitled to by law.
Political prisoner: an overseas personage imprisoned by a vile, despotic government who is
wholly dependent on JM’s DMs for their chance of liberty. Just think how different Nelson
Mandela’s life could have been if JM and her Twitter had been around.
Putin: famously funds the cabal. If you’re a regular contributor but you haven’t been getting
sweet, sweet Bitcoin email [email protected] to rectify.
Self-employed: the lowest social strata.
Shed: a much-trumpeted outbuilding that had its transformation trailed on social media with more
fanfare than a royal wedding. Quickly abandoned due to lack of interest.
Shins: an anatomical feature of the classic pervert. Should you see a bearer of ‘shins’, you must
kick them immediately. You’re far too hot not to.
Shitty bungalow - a lovely, light airy home with multiple bedrooms, a fuck-off bathroom, big
kitchen, room for 3 sideboards, an additional floor and a garden big enough to lose wysteria in.
Sideboard: a highly versatile piece of equipment. You can build your biceps by shifting a 93kg one
of these bad boys into your house, pop onto it for a reclining photoshoot in your pants before
gamely grating a courgette on its shimmering surface.
Silver Linings: the archivist of the thread. The Rector of Receipts. The Cataloguer of the Cabal.
Widely-admired.
Single parent: when you have, by your own admission, a wonderful, caring co-parent to share
childcare with but he isn’t in the room with you NOW, thus rendering you a single parent without
childcare.
Social media break: the 5 mins you take off Twitter while you’re lugging a 93kg sideboard into one
of your reception rooms.
Thankyou: a sticking together of two words that are conventionally used to express gratitude in
order to shut down a Twitter interaction.
Thankyou very Matt much Matt: a variation on the traditional ‘thankyou’, this is a way to close off
an unsuccessful stint on a live cooking show, removing all gratitude for your co-presenter.
Tongue - appliance for taking selfies. Remember to learn how to use a camera timer, though, so
you can get a picture of the ‘tongue’ in action.
Triangulate: JM claims to have a particular set of skills that would make Liam Neeson’s kneecaps
implode with envy and she is not afraid to use it to knock on the front doors of the trembling
cabal.
Vegan (90%): a particularly hardcore sector of veganism where eating cheap hot-dogs is allowed
for 90% of the time, as long as the other 10% comprises bottled lemon juice
yes, absolutely x: this is the term you can roll out when asked for a professional opinion on
anything. See also: Father Ted’s ‘That would be an ecumenical matter’.
moment the social media likes start to drop off.
BUSY: JM’s usual status. For many of us, life is busy. The NHS is busy. Scientists trying to find a
Covid vaccine are busy. Working single parents are busy. Jack, though, is BUSY. See the
difference, mofos?
Body of work: usage - ‘read my whole’.
Buying followers: a mystical, sinister phrase which, when uttered by Tattlers, summons JM to the
thread like Candyman.
Cabal: a glorious, empathetic ray of sunshine.
Canal: an autocorrect of cabal which has been joyfully embraced. Think Venice, not industrial
shopping-trolley filled waterway.
Chaos: usage, ‘I did a chaos’. When you have been paid for a professional performance, fuck it
right up and revel in it.
Chippy chips : shorthand for a quest that is impossible and will never be fulfilled. Think trying to
find the Holy Grail, in space while riding a donkey and chewing on a unicorn.
Churn: verb, used for the effortless production of best-sellers.
Cotswold Company, The: a cheap-as-chips vegan sideboard specialist.
Corned beef: grate it. Grate it like a goddamn motherfucker.
Cough up a lung: an action JM threatened to perform when Daily Kitchen Live was renewed as a
result of the Cabal’s contribution to the viewing figures. Reader, it was not renewed. All lungs were
safe.
Dishoom: an independent Edinburgh restaurant known only to born and bred locals, patronised
by JM on her recent trip.
Edinburgh sleeper: budget travel for the income-uneasy.
Five figures: a paltry sum.
Five Guys: a small, independent Aberdeen Angus-themed burger bar in a tiny, medieval
backstreet of Edinburgh, still run by the same kilted family who founded it 900 years ago.
Forearms: Matt off Daily Kitchen live has a fine pair, often noted by keen-eyed fraus.
Frau: a member of the cabal. A JM follower referred to Tattlers as ‘sad hausfraus’. We have owned
it.
Government adviser: a badge of honour you’re entitled to when you sign a 38 Degrees petition.
Groucho: a central London food bank
Grunking/Grunka’ing/Grunka Lunkering: frau GrunkaLunka is a legend on the JM threads and
viewed as a Dr Who figure. They once undertook an epic, time-spinning journey through all the
JM threads while simultaneously sending reactions to posts into the future, where fraus were
reading the threads in real-time. It blew all our minds.
Hair loss: when you shave off your hair.
Holmes, Eamonn: the Anglicised name of an Easter Island statue brought on as an unimpressed
backdrop to JM’s lingreenie segment on This Morning.
Home - variously, Edinburgh, Southend, Belfast, the lemon groves of Cyprus (to be continued….)
Howling: a generic term to describe pain. If you pitch it any less dramatically you’re unlikely to get
TV work.
Hyperbole: standard writing style used for writing about your hardships and wild, motherfucking
successes.
I’m not going anywhere: a phrase used when you’re about to go somewhere, generally Edinburgh.
Letdown Larder - the fraus renaming of the chaotic ‘Leftover Larder’ Hellmann’s paid a fortune for.
Maverick: a descriptor used by JM to describe her brain and carefree, smarter-than-you, off-the-
wall and generally special approach to life.
Maverick, Tom Cruise gif: the fraus’ most popular gif, featuring a twinkly-eyed Tom smiling and
putting on a pair of shades. This is the equivalent of catnip to many fraus and can multiply the
amount of time it takes to read a thread by 20 each time it’s used. This makes GrunkaLunka’s feat
even more impressive.
Michael Fassbender: the ultimate lesbian test
Mince, fat content: unknown, a mystery.
NOW: as in ‘I only have one cat now’. A time phenomenon, not unrelated to GrunkaLunka’s
warping of time, in which JM can only count or confirm elements in her life right NOW. Yes, she
may have had 3 sideboards 5 minutes ago, but she has only 1 that she is sitting on NOW.
Origin story: JM is a super-hero to the poor and society generally. She doesn’t have a biography
or a CV, she has an origin story. For God’s sake, read it.
Ouchy: a term used to describe the worst pain known to a living being. You can’t even imagine it
because, no matter what you’ve been through, JM has been through FAR worse. I mean, have
you even attempted to have lip fillers?
Passive aggressive lemon: JM’s social media strategy.
Patreon: a benefit any middle-class Twitter activist is entitled to by law.
Political prisoner: an overseas personage imprisoned by a vile, despotic government who is
wholly dependent on JM’s DMs for their chance of liberty. Just think how different Nelson
Mandela’s life could have been if JM and her Twitter had been around.
Putin: famously funds the cabal. If you’re a regular contributor but you haven’t been getting
sweet, sweet Bitcoin email [email protected] to rectify.
Self-employed: the lowest social strata.
Shed: a much-trumpeted outbuilding that had its transformation trailed on social media with more
fanfare than a royal wedding. Quickly abandoned due to lack of interest.
Shins: an anatomical feature of the classic pervert. Should you see a bearer of ‘shins’, you must
kick them immediately. You’re far too hot not to.
Shitty bungalow - a lovely, light airy home with multiple bedrooms, a fuck-off bathroom, big
kitchen, room for 3 sideboards, an additional floor and a garden big enough to lose wysteria in.
Sideboard: a highly versatile piece of equipment. You can build your biceps by shifting a 93kg one
of these bad boys into your house, pop onto it for a reclining photoshoot in your pants before
gamely grating a courgette on its shimmering surface.
Silver Linings: the archivist of the thread. The Rector of Receipts. The Cataloguer of the Cabal.
Widely-admired.
Single parent: when you have, by your own admission, a wonderful, caring co-parent to share
childcare with but he isn’t in the room with you NOW, thus rendering you a single parent without
childcare.
Social media break: the 5 mins you take off Twitter while you’re lugging a 93kg sideboard into one
of your reception rooms.
Thankyou: a sticking together of two words that are conventionally used to express gratitude in
order to shut down a Twitter interaction.
Thankyou very Matt much Matt: a variation on the traditional ‘thankyou’, this is a way to close off
an unsuccessful stint on a live cooking show, removing all gratitude for your co-presenter.
Tongue - appliance for taking selfies. Remember to learn how to use a camera timer, though, so
you can get a picture of the ‘tongue’ in action.
Triangulate: JM claims to have a particular set of skills that would make Liam Neeson’s kneecaps
implode with envy and she is not afraid to use it to knock on the front doors of the trembling
cabal.
Vegan (90%): a particularly hardcore sector of veganism where eating cheap hot-dogs is allowed
for 90% of the time, as long as the other 10% comprises bottled lemon juice
yes, absolutely x: this is the term you can roll out when asked for a professional opinion on
anything. See also: Father Ted’s ‘That would be an ecumenical matter’.
I only dip in and out of this thread so I may not have the full picture but the tweet about seeing who can cope the longest in a flat with kids and no money has really upset me. It's not far from my reality (along with plenty of other families on my estate.) If I saw that on TV I would feel quite hurt and angry. It's as crass as saying let's all go to a third world country and see who survives the longest. Other people's struggles should not be your content.
TriviaNewtonJohn
VIP Member
Jack Monroe #55: social media hiatus halted for her government advisor status
blurstoftimes
VIP Member
Jack has come back for an absolutely classic Jack moment:
'Just popping on here to say I absolutely never do anything to brag or for credit but now let me go on to brag and take credit for this thing nobody asked me about...'
'Just popping on here to say I absolutely never do anything to brag or for credit but now let me go on to brag and take credit for this thing nobody asked me about...'
I've been lurking for a loooong time. Friend had caught onto how *problematic* JM was a good six/seven months ago, and I wasn't convinced but started looking at JM more critically. The kitten incident made me Google 'Jack Monroe lies' and it brought me straight here. Eyes well and truly opened.
Anyway I've been grunkaing for the last 5/6 days (the Google search took me to thread 35, I'm so tired, what on EARTH.) Felt a bit like a sick and weary time traveller reading your posts on the earlier stuff but knowing the cat stuff would come up and you didn't know yet...
Thought the Twitter/'Gram silence would give me a chance to catch up to real time. Alas, no. Broken her own ban already.
Anyway, hi.
Anyway I've been grunkaing for the last 5/6 days (the Google search took me to thread 35, I'm so tired, what on EARTH.) Felt a bit like a sick and weary time traveller reading your posts on the earlier stuff but knowing the cat stuff would come up and you didn't know yet...
Thought the Twitter/'Gram silence would give me a chance to catch up to real time. Alas, no. Broken her own ban already.
Anyway, hi.
Congratulations to the eminent @Brian Butterfield on the thread title! Winner with 46 reactions at last count 
Thread recap for #53:
Jack Monroe is still on her self-imposed social media break. She has been silent, but it appears that when her eye is caught by something on Twitter, she ‘likes’ it. Nigella got noticed.
Her name was associated with Jamie Oliver again on Twitter (briefly), which she must have appreciated.
Some of the fraus found some absolute corkers in old videos and shared them on the the thread. The cabal reminisced fondly about the highs of Daily Kitchen Live, and some listed their favourite moments of those wonderful two weeks.
@JoyceDivision went on the ride of her life and experienced thread #31 for herself (the rest of us are still recovering).
Some screenshot / photoshop fun ensued. Lungs were laughed up and husbands were woken. It’s what Viv would have wanted.
Thread recap for #53:
Jack Monroe is still on her self-imposed social media break. She has been silent, but it appears that when her eye is caught by something on Twitter, she ‘likes’ it. Nigella got noticed.
Her name was associated with Jamie Oliver again on Twitter (briefly), which she must have appreciated.
Some of the fraus found some absolute corkers in old videos and shared them on the the thread. The cabal reminisced fondly about the highs of Daily Kitchen Live, and some listed their favourite moments of those wonderful two weeks.
@JoyceDivision went on the ride of her life and experienced thread #31 for herself (the rest of us are still recovering).
Some screenshot / photoshop fun ensued. Lungs were laughed up and husbands were woken. It’s what Viv would have wanted.
GrunkaLunka
VIP Member
So the thing that pisses me off about this is that Jack is about as likely to be able to survive in those conditions as a Rees Mogg. She chats so much shit. Christ, she's been shaking her begging bowl during Covid how the fuck can she have the nerve to comment like this?
colouredlines
VIP Member
Jack: FUCKING TOFFS
also Jack: I doff my cap to thee if you'll find me a job, stepson of the future king
also Jack: I doff my cap to thee if you'll find me a job, stepson of the future king
Mycuppatea
Well-known member
I don't work but I am disabled and as I don't get any benefits, we all live off my husband's wage as a care worker. I tend to buy oven chips because it saves me the pain and fatigue of peeling spuds or saves my kids yet another job. With oven chips they can make a meal easily. And the ones I buy are under a quid. I love food and love to cook intetesting and delicious meals from scratch but I can't always do it.Some people might be time poor as they're working all hours God sends, never had the opportunities to learn to prep food from fresh, just don't cognitively have the ability... It's a complex issue to unpack and certainly isn't as simple as why don't you buy a bag of spuds instead of some oven chips. Not that I believe for one minute Jack is going to be a solution mind
I am sick to the back teeth of being food shamed and fat shamed all the bloody time. 99.9% of people are doing their best and telling them they are failing is just cruel.
Marmalade Atkins
VIP Member
Turns down several media interviews.
GIVE ME WORK, THOUGH.
Last edited:
blurstoftimes
VIP Member
Sorry for all the people that find this to be offensive bullying language, but she really is such a
MASSIVE RAGING CUNT
It’s almost like she’s strolled out onto a stage, thumbs tucked in pockets, bashful expression:
‘Now, I don’t like to talk about myself much, but let me tell you about a little thing called charidee.’
‘Now, I don’t like to talk about myself much, but let me tell you about a little thing called charidee.’
Last edited:
GrunkaLunka
VIP Member
A family of 4, living on the 12th floor of a tower block with a broken lift, window that doesn't shut properly, £3 a day to live.
How can she claim she has lived this life? She's got no idea what life is really like for people in poverty. She thinks it's a game.
She had so much luxury junk in her house, she was able to have an open house sale and raise something in the region of £2,000. Even now, she cries out that she's lost work (most people did) and shakes the begging bowl.
She is a charlatan.
How can she claim she has lived this life? She's got no idea what life is really like for people in poverty. She thinks it's a game.
She had so much luxury junk in her house, she was able to have an open house sale and raise something in the region of £2,000. Even now, she cries out that she's lost work (most people did) and shakes the begging bowl.
She is a charlatan.
Anonymous One
Well-known member
Was Jack a bit low on cash for a while? She never mentions it.
