Jack Monroe #54 Thank you so Matt much, Matt

[Breakdance Badass]

View attachment 196342

No, no, no, no, no

I love Paul Heaton I almost feel the need to DM him the truth!

I read the utter self indulgent embellished exaggerated shite. Heard it all before, will hear it all again. Always about R Jackie, eh? The more she writes, surely the more people realise she’s a one trick pony?

Her son’s trousers just looked like my son’s at that age. They grow, but the trousers still fit so you put them on? So much unnecessary flowery language to cover up the truth that she had self inflicted poverty for 6 moths. Other people have it for life, Jack!

 

[SequinnedElephant]

A Frau (apologies for not remembering who) suggested a JM glossary. I undertook this Herculean task this evening, quickly realising that it is far beyond the means of one lone Frau. I now understand how Dr Johnson felt writing the dictionary. This attempt only scrapes the surface....

Spoiler: Glossary

Bandwagon: for jumping on with emphatic abandon and the fire of 1000 suns. Abandon the
moment the social media likes start to drop off.
BUSY: JM’s usual status. For many of us, life is busy. The NHS is busy. Scientists trying to find a
Covid vaccine are busy. Working single parents are busy. Jack, though, is BUSY. See the
difference, mofos?
Body of work: usage - ‘read my whole’.
Buying followers: a mystical, sinister phrase which, when uttered by Tattlers, summons JM to the
thread like Candyman.
Cabal: a glorious, empathetic ray of sunshine.
Canal: an autocorrect of cabal which has been joyfully embraced. Think Venice, not industrial
shopping-trolley filled waterway.
Chaos: usage, ‘I did a chaos’. When you have been paid for a professional performance, duck it
right up and revel in it.
Chippy chips : shorthand for a quest that is impossible and will never be fulfilled. Think trying to
find the Holy Grail, in space while riding a donkey and chewing on a unicorn.
Churn: verb, used for the effortless production of best-sellers.
Cotswold Company, The: a cheap-as-chips vegan sideboard specialist.
Corned beef: grate it. Grate it like a goddamn motherfucker.
Cough up a lung: an action JM threatened to perform when Daily Kitchen Live was renewed as a
result of the Cabal’s contribution to the viewing figures. Reader, it was not renewed. All lungs were
safe.
Dishoom: an independent Edinburgh restaurant known only to born and bred locals, patronised
by JM on her recent trip.
Edinburgh sleeper: budget travel for the income-uneasy.
Five figures: a paltry sum.
Five Guys: a small, independent Aberdeen Angus-themed burger bar in a tiny, medieval
backstreet of Edinburgh, still run by the same kilted family who founded it 900 years ago.
Forearms: Matt off Daily Kitchen live has a fine pair, often noted by keen-eyed fraus.
Frau: a member of the cabal. A JM follower referred to Tattlers as ‘sad hausfraus’. We have owned
it.
Government adviser: a badge of honour you’re entitled to when you sign a 38 Degrees petition.
Groucho: a central London food bank
Grunking/Grunka’ing/Grunka Lunkering: frau GrunkaLunka is a legend on the JM threads and
viewed as a Dr Who figure. They once undertook an epic, time-spinning journey through all the
JM threads while simultaneously sending reactions to posts into the future, where fraus were
reading the threads in real-time. It blew all our minds.
Hair loss: when you shave off your hair.

Holmes, Eamonn: the Anglicised name of an Easter Island statue brought on as an unimpressed
backdrop to JM’s lingreenie segment on This Morning.
Home - variously, Edinburgh, Southend, Belfast, the lemon groves of Cyprus (to be continued….)
Howling: a generic term to describe pain. If you pitch it any less dramatically you’re unlikely to get
TV work.
Hyperbole: standard writing style used for writing about your hardships and wild, motherfucking
successes.
I’m not going anywhere: a phrase used when you’re about to go somewhere, generally Edinburgh.
Letdown Larder - the fraus renaming of the chaotic ‘Leftover Larder’ Hellmann’s paid a fortune for.
Maverick: a descriptor used by JM to describe her brain and carefree, smarter-than-you, off-the-
wall and generally special approach to life.
Maverick, Tom Cruise gif: the fraus’ most popular gif, featuring a twinkly-eyed Tom smiling and
putting on a pair of shades. This is the equivalent of catnip to many fraus and can multiply the
amount of time it takes to read a thread by 20 each time it’s used. This makes GrunkaLunka’s feat
even more impressive.
Michael Fassbender: the ultimate lesbian test
Mince, fat content: unknown, a mystery.
NOW: as in ‘I only have one cat now’. A time phenomenon, not unrelated to GrunkaLunka’s
warping of time, in which JM can only count or confirm elements in her life right NOW. Yes, she
may have had 3 sideboards 5 minutes ago, but she has only 1 that she is sitting on NOW.
Origin story: JM is a super-hero to the poor and society generally. She doesn’t have a biography
or a CV, she has an origin story. For God’s sake, read it.
Ouchy: a term used to describe the worst pain known to a living being. You can’t even imagine it
because, no matter what you’ve been through, JM has been through FAR worse. I mean, have
you even attempted to have lip fillers?
Passive aggressive lemon: JM’s social media strategy.
Patreon: a benefit any middle-class Twitter activist is entitled to by law.
Political prisoner: an overseas personage imprisoned by a vile, despotic government who is
wholly dependent on JM’s DMs for their chance of liberty. Just think how different Nelson
Mandela’s life could have been if JM and her Twitter had been around.
Putin: famously funds the cabal. If you’re a regular contributor but you haven’t been getting
sweet, sweet Bitcoin email [email protected] to rectify.
Gravity, Saturn made the ultimate sacrifice and chose between Tattle and Twitter.
Self-employed: the lowest social strata.
Shed: a much-trumpeted outbuilding that had its transformation trailed on social media with more
fanfare than a royal wedding. Quickly abandoned due to lack of interest.

Shins: an anatomical feature of the classic pervert. Should you see a bearer of ‘shins’, you must
kick them immediately. You’re far too hot not to.
crappy bungalow - a lovely, light airy home with multiple bedrooms, a duck-off bathroom, big
kitchen, room for 3 sideboards, an additional floor and a garden big enough to lose wysteria in.
Sideboard: a highly versatile piece of equipment. You can build your biceps by shifting a 93kg one
of these bad boys into your house, pop onto it for a reclining photoshoot in your pants before
gamely grating a courgette on its shimmering surface.
Silver Linings: the archivist of the thread. The Rector of Receipts. The Cataloguer of the Cabal.
Widely-admired.
Single parent: when you have, by your own admission, a wonderful, caring co-parent to share
childcare with but he isn’t in the room with you NOW, thus rendering you a single parent without
childcare.
Social media break: the 5 mins you take off Twitter while you’re lugging a 93kg sideboard into one
of your reception rooms.
Thankyou: a sticking together of two words that are conventionally used to express gratitude in
order to shut down a Twitter interaction.
Thankyou very Matt much Matt: a variation on the traditional ‘thankyou’, this is a way to close off
an unsuccessful stint on a live cooking show, removing all gratitude for your co-presenter.
Tongue - appliance for taking selfies. Remember to learn how to use a camera timer, though, so
you can get a picture of the ‘tongue’ in action.
Triangulate: JM claims to have a particular set of skills that would make Liam Neeson’s kneecaps
implode with envy and she is not afraid to use it to knock on the front doors of the trembling
cabal.
Vegan (90%): a particularly hardcore sector of veganism where eating cheap hot-dogs is allowed
for 90% of the time, as long as the other 10% comprises bottled lemon juice
yes, absolutely x: this is the term you can roll out when asked for a professional opinion on
anything. See also: Father Ted’s ‘That would be an ecumenical matter’.

View attachment 196216

This is the best thing I’ve ever read.

 

[GothPrincess]

I’ve got to catch up this morning. Cannot being myself to read that blog. It’s one thing after another with her. She thrives on attention. It’s all attention seeking behaviour. You know when you’re on the phone & it’s an important call, and that’s when your little kids play up. That’s what she’s like.
Right I’m off to Grunka the thread.

 

[Tabitha D]

3.116 words in that blog entry. FFS. Learn to edit. Nobody, but nobody, asked for the 3.116-word version of Jack's origin story (a gritty reboot?). A lot directly aimed at Tattle, with the defensiveness over her crappy bungalow etc.

More generally, her moment has passed. Jack only ever had one thing to say - "I WAS POOR, IT WAS tit." Her schtick was always a (supposed) exposé of what poverty felt like.

Now the conversation is more nuanced. The discussion taking place isn't just about whether or not poverty is tit, but a more complex look into why poverty and obesity often go hand in hand, and what can be done about it. There's a lot to unpack there. For one thing, people often lack knowledge. I always see the same comments - "we all know what a healthy diet looks like" - but it's fundamentally not true (source: every Mumsnet thread on weight loss ever).

In fact, that's one thing that came up in Henry Dimbleby's report (HD to his friends). He criticised companies like Innocent Smoothies for presenting their products as healthy, when they're not. Funnily enough, it's something that THAT MAN has always done well - although he misses the mark sometimes, because weight management is simple in theory but difficult in practice.

This is where the conversation is in 2020. That's what people are talking about. Jack has never had anything worthwhile to say on the subject of nutrition or obesity, so of course she pops her head up with 3.116 words of regurgitated nonsense about her boots having a hole in them. Nothing about health. Nothing about nutrition.

The world has moved on, Jack...and the fact that you are writing for your crappy blog, and not for a commission, needs to sink in.

You make some bloody good points here. And you’re quite right about Jack - she shows no interest in nutrition, and likely knows nothing about it (based on her general level of food knowledge).

 

[Lanie]

I thought her next book was going to be written for her by black writers? (But with Jack’s name on the front of course) She’s forgotten that bandwagon already.

Maybe she's doing two at once, if she basically getting other people to do the work then all she needs to do his proof read and a forward surely?? Maybe I am wrong??

why the hell does she think ARM will respond? That is hilarious.
Unfortunately people like her (and her odious brother) really do think people 'lower down' are peasants. Jack's opinion won't have been noticed and even if it has she will think it to be funny.

I think her and the Rees moggs family would make a lovely trio. They seem to only adore themselves. They can all sit together and tell eachother how much they think of themselves, storm parliament and pretended to fall asleep during serious discussions because they are so hilarious.

 

[acca00]

Jack Monroe #55 The Price of Potatoes. Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. Any similarity to actual events or persons is purely coincidental.

 

[MooBelle]

Why does she call them essays that last time I used the words essay I was at uni,. Now if I write something it's just something I have written. If someone told me now I have written an essay, would you read it. I'd imagine having to get my big red pen out like I did when my mates used to get me to proof read there's before hand in.

To be honest here next book sounds dull, I read alot and something so miserable would never appeal to me.


As I have said earlier people in poverty don't need books written about them or to them, they need voices so they can be given the chance to get out of it. She should be petitioning parliament in aid of poverty, she should be working alongside charities ( helping them raising their voices) so they can do more to help three people. Fair enough write your books but also and I mean this sincerely HELP them.

My brother is in his forties and rents, he's just had to give up a place he loves because it's costing him too much to live there. He's moving to a less nicer place, but affordable. Like everyone my brother would love to be able to afford to buy his own house and almost had the opportunity a few years back but again struggled to get a decent deposit even though the mortgage payments on the house were much less than he is paying now in rent. It's messed up. If you want a house missy lower your standards. I'd love a bloody great mansion but alas I am unable to afford one.

Exactly. It will be unbelievably depressing.
Books, especially memoirs/biographies are supposed to be uplifting.
The whole point of a rags to riches story is that is inspirational. Jack's story is, well a rags to rags story.
According to her own narrative she had a tit childhood, got pregnant, got unemployed, starved, lived in squalor, was a sex worker, sexually assaulted, self harmed, single mum, urchin child, wrote a book, still poor, got bullied, crappy bungalow, fiance LEFT, still poor, cat died.

Oh yes, people will be queuing round the block to read that book....

 

[jenny2603]

Attempting to read her blog post but can’t promise I’ll make it to the end. Funny that in the subject of schooling she didn’t fancy dropping in her own grammar school education which she fucked up. View attachment 196463

The stuff about housing benefit is bullshit. At that time she would have been entitled to Income Support and would not have had to have signed on as available for work, so in turn she would have also been entitled to housing benefit. I know this because I was a welfare rights adviser at the time and knew the system backwards. It's possible, even likely, her housing benefit was suspended due to incomplete info/misunderstanding/admin duck up etc but that could have been rectified and backdating paid. There was no benefit rule at that time that would class someone as intentionally unemployed for having a small child and as far as I am aware there still isn't.

I cannot tell you how many people I've encountered who have not claimed something they should have because they "heard" from someone that they wouldn't be entitled. Spreading made up bollocks about benefits is dangerous and causes real harm to people who can ill afford to miss out on a single penny.

I would have thought someone as committed to fighting poverty would have had an understanding of how important getting the right information to poor people about benefits is and perhaps even used their platform to highlight sources of advice, support and information CABx/Turn2Us/Local agencies and law centres etc.

I'm actually raging about this. She's total poison.

 

[SoulRebel]

I'm still hooting that oor wee lassie used the word 'compassion' in her essay, never mind the utter bunkum it contains.

 

[Begborrowsteal]

That article has proper fucked me off. She is a bleeping liar and a fantasist.

The stuff about housing benefit is bullshit. At that time she would have been entitled to Income Support and would not have had to have signed on as available for work, so in turn she would have also been entitled to housing benefit. I know this because I was a welfare rights adviser at the time and knew the system backwards. It's possible, even likely, her housing benefit was suspended due to incomplete info/misunderstanding/admin duck up etc but that could have been rectified and backdating paid. There was no benefit rule at that time that would class someone as intentionally unemployed for having a small child and as far as I am aware there still isn't.

I cannot tell you how many people I've encountered who have not claimed something they should have because they "heard" from someone that they wouldn't be entitled. Spreading made up bollocks about benefits is dangerous and causes real harm to people who can ill afford to miss out on a single penny.

I would have thought someone as committed to fighting poverty would have had an understanding of how important getting the right information to poor people about benefits is and perhaps even used their platform to highlight sources of advice, support and information CABx/Turn2Us/Local agencies and law centres etc.

I'm actually raging about this. She's total poison.

I was hoping someone with proper knowledge would highlight this. Shes so full of tit.

And the pity party because she wasnt accepted to rent that flat. That tit is still going on now, but worse with rising rents and frozen LHAs that dont even cover the rent. We have to stay in our tiny crappy run down house because we wont be accepted with HB anywhere else. Omg she rages me.

 

[SoulRebel]

Oh, forgot to say thank you (not thankyou) to @Elliebob82 for the book recommendation, I've just added Once, in a House on Fire by Andrea Ashworth on my Kindle wishlist x

 

[Bookweevil]

Ruddy hell, it’s Soft Cell.
This is amaaaaaaaazing. Man alive! I now officially hand the baton of thread recaps over to you, as you are clearly a master of words coupled with an encyclopaedic mind. Go forth, and wield your words.

No way, you’re the queeeeen of recaps - I relied on them heavily to write this! And it took me all evening - my boyfriend kept asking what I was doing and I was all *foot nonchalantly up on chair* ‘just churning out another bestseller.’

 

[colouredlines]

If she does write her memoir, I don't see how her career will survive. Too many holes in the narrative when laid out on paper. How can she have simultaneously had a childhood where she didn't learn anything about food AND a warm Greek upbringing full of endless hospitality and freshly picked lemons? How was she a starving single mother whose son had a very supportive father? Will we get a timeline of her jobs?

 

[help i need some help!]

I am easily confused at the best of times, but all the conflicting stories she comes up with, the smoke and mirrors are enough to bamboozle the best of us until we get the lightbulb moment. The moment something doesn't tie in with what she;s previously said. She rewrites her story for each new audience, for the latest bandwagon that rolls up. She's good at it, a master deflector who dog whistles her followers when she needs 'to bring in the heavies' to protect her from any innocent soul that disagrees with her, and she cares not a jot how her actions affect others., I hope shes got lists of what version shes told on each occasion or it will blow up in her sad little face one day I think.

 

[Pocahontas]

No way, you’re the queeeeen of recaps - I relied on them heavily to write this! And it took me all evening - my boyfriend kept asking what I was doing and I was all *foot nonchalantly up on chair* ‘just churning out another bestseller.’

It honestly was amazing and hilarious. You MUST be a writer in real life. Far better than Jack, who has, literally, written books. I read it again this morning.
Haha, ok (just let me know if you want to do a recap - and anyone else for that matter )

 

[heretoreaditall2019]

Now she only wears Russell and Bromley shoes because apparently they’re the only brand that fit.

I honestly can not get over the plan to Crowdfund a house. Beggars belief.

Her pathological victimising of herself honestly knows no bounds that she can even make something as innocent as her *preference* in shoe manufacturer a drama? If this was true that'd mean that loads of people would find R&B shoes unwearable, because they'd only cater for 'non-standard' feet shapes/sizes? She doesn't think these lies all the way through does she.

They're incredibly comfortable & well made shoes (their loafers are better quality than Gucci's tbh) but at £200 a pop are a disservice to poverty queen x cOmMoN aS mUcK urchin personal branding. Let's hope she doesn't wear them with those jeans or H&M athleisure wear.

TBH even the Jackie explanation is bleeping me off this morning. Now obviously she loves her name so much that she named her first cookbook 'A Girl Called Jack' (which cracks me up, because every cookbook I own has some reference to, er, food or cooking in the title. So basic, I know).

But...it seems to me that being a woman named Jack is not all that outrageous? It's a bit like George or Charlie, nicknames that could easily derive from a feminine name. If she were, I dunno, A Girl Called Trevor, then her "edgy name" thing would make more sense.

Lmaooo Trevor. I think it smells a bit of internalised misogyny tbh and her eternal campaign to be the ultimate edge lord. My name has 3 potential abbreviations 2 female / 1 male and I've always used the male one despite being totally feminine presenting / gender conforming. I'll have to get a piece commissioned by the guardian on it x

 

[help i need some help!]

Stirling work, Jack!

I read this in Hagrids voice....

 

[NorthernSoul]

FFS don’t go giving her ideas

Can you imagine

 

[EddieBeds]

Im the same age as Jack. I dont remember anything about 'half' GCSEs!?

Think I’m a year or two older than Jack and we did a half GCSE in RE....but, alongside all the other bullshit in that article, I really don’t get why she is at pains to explain little nuances like the half GCSE - does anyone actually care?

Also the ads on Tattle this morning have made me chuckle - wonder whether R Jackie will see them when she catches up here?

 

[Lanie]

The stuff about housing benefit is bullshit. At that time she would have been entitled to Income Support and would not have had to have signed on as available for work, so in turn she would have also been entitled to housing benefit. I know this because I was a welfare rights adviser at the time and knew the system backwards. It's possible, even likely, her housing benefit was suspended due to incomplete info/misunderstanding/admin duck up etc but that could have been rectified and backdating paid. There was no benefit rule at that time that would class someone as intentionally unemployed for having a small child and as far as I am aware there still isn't.

I cannot tell you how many people I've encountered who have not claimed something they should have because they "heard" from someone that they wouldn't be entitled. Spreading made up bollocks about benefits is dangerous and causes real harm to people who can ill afford to miss out on a single penny.

I would have thought someone as committed to fighting poverty would have had an understanding of how important getting the right information to poor people about benefits is and perhaps even used their platform to highlight sources of advice, support and information CABx/Turn2Us/Local agencies and law centres etc.

I'm actually raging about this. She's total poison.

This is what I mean, she doesn't actually give out anything useful, just cheap recipie ideas, why doesnt she link the benefit that people are entitled to on her Twitter, research eligibility so that her followers can see for themselves what they are/ aren't entitied too. There is money out there and no one is just going to give it to you, you need to ask for it and ask again.

Also in regards to her GCSEs and a levels, I didn't get what I wanted and had to go the longway round in order to get my degree, but guess what I did it.

The more I read on her the more I see that she doesn't seem to want to have to put any effort in. She just wants to do a bit but reep in big rewards ( show me someone who doesn't. Lol) guess what life doesn't work like that, you take out what you put in. I think she be better doing a basic nutrition course to help her understand the basics of nutrition, I thought all cooks and chefs at least needed to know the basics.