Jack Monroe #428 Hold me closer, tiny grifter

[SweetTransvestite]

Look, duck sake...I've been out for the 1st time in months and hoping upon hope there's been no shenanigans on Twitter. Then, I've come home to see some massive hair cry for help. WHAT. THE. duck.

£8? I'll give you a square tenner to take my kitchen scissors, disappear, then reappear from out your own hole then blaze off in a chorus of dysentery.

On the plus side (my lovely Mum who has very recently had a stroke) did say she looks like a dropped box of pizza..."It's all still there hen, but you wouldn't want it, would ye?"

 

[Sideboard Bob]

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Oh god she makes me want to vomit copiously out of my eye sockets.

She makes the poor barber sound like some kind of Neanderthal. “So thick!” , ”Very beautiful!”.

 

[Potatoes O’Houlihan]

Oh dear, is it going to be one of those nights?

ETA she’s literally spewing tweets right now

 

[Dogmuck]

This is Jack over the last 2 months. She cannot afford shampoo ok!

 

[FunnyFuneral]

Christine, The Stand, Salems Lot, The Shining...

His short story compilations are brilliant too, Skeleton Crew. The Dead Zone is good.

 

[Smol Pixel]

Is this the first time we're hearing about Jack's Turkish best friend?

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You don’t know her. She goes to another school.

 

[HotesTilaire]

I suppose we’d better buckle up! She’s on about a silver fox at 12.30am

 

[EllaEm87]

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Jack's dream kitchen!

Omg I’ve been in houses even more dated than that in my Community Nursing era… one person lived in the middle of the moor with a fire for heat, shady electrics and the old wife in the single bed in the pantry as they were too old to get up the stairs. Blew my mind, was like stepping back 70 years!

 

[Sideboard Bob]

In your face Erdogan and Anastasiadies and the UN and the EU, Jacks family have solved the Cyprus problem!

I was waiting for your take on this delicate Greek/Turkish situation, and of course you came through!

 

[Jelly Bean]

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Oh dear, is it going to be one of those nights?

ETA she’s literally spewing tweets right now

Ugh why is she so bleeping creepy
Imagine a man talking about a woman hairdresser like that and giving away her workplace.
Revolting.
'Phwoar shapely blonde at Clipperz in Southend I'm going to marry her'.

 

[traumatised_dresser]

It must be in Southend tonight with this continual spurt of Tweet diarrhea.

 

[Dogmuck]

I’m guessing the granddad comments are to wipe out some of the AM and others comments about her millionaire/landlord granddad

 

[Satisfying Click]

I suppose we’d better buckle up! She’s on about a silver fox at 12.30am

Hey man, best you don't come into work today
What? Am I fired?!
No... she's back... with tupperware.

 

[Satisfying Click]

Creepy Jack is creepy

 

[Smol Pixel]

This is Jack over the last 2 months. She cannot afford shampoo ok!
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Someone’s defo taken a chunk out of her eyebrow in the ones from today. Turkish barber or FaceTune app?

 

[sioc]

She actually has lovely hair tbf. I even like the undercut and think it suits her. Terribly unflattering photo though just cos of the way the light lands

 

[kachoochoo]

there's so much going on that she would have commented on in the past. like, the end of twitter, matt hancock in the jungle, the swifties being broken by ticketmaster...and yet she's still bleatiing about her house move

and, lbr, if all of these furniture-rehousing, curry-supplying fwends are real, if they really are helping with cleaning and painting, then
that's her buying a property. cos, you know, rentals usually have professionals in when they're vacated

 

[EllaEm87]

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(I bleeping hate it when she posts a follow up tweet entirely in parentheses when she needs to overexplain something)

Also, what was the effing point of the stunt wig for the Grifty Kitchen cover if she was just going to get her hair cut again and contradict her weird "continuity reasons" excuse anyway!? I swear to God, I don't think a more bizarre human being has ever existed.

I’d expect a sharper transition or fade from a professional barber. Turkish barbers are particularly good at this. I reckon she’s done it herself with her Gillette. Or Contents clippers. (Grunking!)

 

[ChactFecker]

She NEVER lets us down:

 

[SmillieKylie]

Jack’s buzzing tonight isn’t she, did the barber also give her something for the weekend.

Might pop in next time I’m in Southend, see if I can get some small chat from the hunky Turkish chap

Is that him there