Jack Monroe #414 Catch Me If You (Tin) Can

[usefullyuseless]

Ninnies I have a confession to make...

Spoiler: Me rail - jacktionary in the real world usage

Last month I had a job interview and when talking about analysing something I mentioned looking at the granular detail.

I am deeply ashamed of myself but I did get the promotion so something good came of it. Please don't excommunicate me x

 

[streby]

All those expensive designer goods. But has never taken SB on a decent holiday…

Well she can't sell a holiday to raise cash during lean times, can she? She needs the Burberry coats to pay for bread and jam for SB some day in the future when even the solar lamps are too expensive to run. She's planning ahead because she was poor for so long with no carpets and no fridge. She can sell them on one of the high-end resale websites and then crawl arthritically to the Post Office with them, wrapped for transit in a plastic bag scavenged from a bin, and the postage cost will be paid for by the person at the counter, tears in their eyes as they admire her bravery and tragic life circumstances. Peering down at her shivering 3 ft 4 inch frame (so smol, so fragile) and saying in a choked voice "It's okay, petal, I'll deal with this now. You've done enough for us all with your tireless work to save the poor. Even the ones who wear tracksuits, although we both know they don't deserve the attention of the likes of you, saint that you are. Yes, I know you, Jack Monroe from the TV and the Guardian. I knew you as soon as you walked into my Post Office, because you look exactly like the photo I have of you at home, next to the one of my dear old mum (God rest her). Rest easy tonight on your lumpy sofa, for I shall be praying for you on my knees and God is sure to reward you by crossing your path with a puddle full of Viv, all in your (very smol) size. Thank you for everything." And then everyone in the Post Office will clap. Even the man with only one hand.

 

[ForgettyBetty]

Aside from the droopy old vest, it's the nylon old lady/period pants, the arse-smaller-than-muffin-top usually achieved in your 50-60s, the scrawny thighs ditto, and the gritted teeth like she's about to fall off and soil herself. It's really not appealing, (not body shaming, I'm a dumpling on a stick these days - but I think most people would choose a more flattering look for their shape )

 

[HotesTilaire]

Grunking but remembered more from dear heart Vali-D’s photo of the adhd wallpaper notepad.
She had about 3 entries for a call/meeting to block a script
When you block a script, you slice up the words, sentences, paragraphs by tone/emotion. Just like on the news when they have a story about say, a terrible murder where they have a sombre tone and no smile. Then the “and finally” item is all smiles and lightness where they report on a cat that takes the bus around town every day and the firm have made a pass with his photo on.
The idea that Jack can follow a script and doesn’t just talk shite she just imagined is a stretch, but the idea that she blocks it?
“Ok well the first two lines I’ll talk about austerity deaths in my “angry but might cry” wibble then at the end I can do a few sniffs and an inappropriate laugh. Then I’ll smile and use my “not angry but might cry” nasal voice to tell people it’s ok to steal shampoo. Then I’ll look up to the corner of my brain whilst I invent a lie about a pensioner who only eats one bag of smartprice mash per week and end by starting right down the camera with my best serious shark eyes”

 

[Lucy Aeroplane]

For me, it's the extension cable hanging down by the microwave with 5 or 6 plugs in it..

Oh fucks SAKE why you gotta make it even worse?! I hadn’t noticed that either. The whole focus of the pic for me was the posture that made her look like she was having stomach cramps. Now it’s the posture AND the drawers AND the messy chaotic plug tower.

 

[Lucky Escape]

I think I'm missing something here - no home means no cooker, and if you're cooking in the hostel in their kitchen to learn how then they can just lend you the cookbook that you need, right? How many copies of a cookbook will one hostel need? So is more than one place it's happening and I'm just confused? I can't imagine anyone, homeless or not, sitting down and just reading a cookbook and that alone teaches them to cook. Do ten copies mean ten people are going to sit and memorise the recipes for when they can finally cook in their own home, and then pass them on to the next ten? Or is it maybe that this cookbook is the greatest work of literature ever and so everyone is keen to read it so they'll need at least 500 copies to stop fights breaking out over slop recipes?

Sorry if what's actually happening here is obvious to everyone else, I just don't get it at all.

Simon Community Scotland appear to run 10 shelters, so maybe that's what she was basing her initial donation on? (there are more in NI, but the Street Reads scheme is associated with the Scottish organisation).

Since 2016, she's been encouraging people to spend £10.99 on one of her online shops to donate further copies of AGCJ to Street Reads. No evidence or updates have ever been provided about how much money she's collected, or what's been done with it. This may be my aneurysm.

 

[The carlin]

How can she spend so much time pissing about with everything merely to confirm to everyone that she’s an utter twit? It’s impressive.

BIB this from WCBG is my early nomination for thread title right there. Earned a proper laugh that did

 

[Crackpanda]

For me, it's the extension cable hanging down by the microwave with 5 or 6 plugs in it..

Yes, I thought she was an expert on fire safety? Overloading an extension lead like that is surely a hazard?

 

[SocksMagoo]

Evening Canal,

Long time lurker, now turned stocktaker. I've found THAT BLOODY LAMP. Edit: wrong LAMP

Spoiler: hare lamp

 

[Sketchy]

For me, it has to be the fake black eye. Bizarre attention seeking behaviour from a woman in her 30s.
Shortly followed by this time -

Spoiler

"Somethings simmering..." The canal never did find out what. View attachment 1645893

ARSE & FEET ON THE KITCHEN WORKTOPS AGAIN! She's really getting on my last nerve. And what's that thing round her head, a piece of uncooked plaited bread?

 

[jenny2603]

Simon Community Scotland appear to run 10 shelters, so maybe that's what she was basing her initial donation on? (there are more in NI, but the Street Reads scheme is associated with the Scottish organisation).

Since 2016, she's been encouraging people to spend £10.99 on one of her online shops to donate further copies of AGCJ to Street Reads. No evidence or updates have ever been provided about how much money she's collected, or what's been done with it. This may be my aneurysm.

Yes but in 2016 when Jack set up the store the Simon Community were not involved. It was just Rachel Cowan carting her trestle table of books around various homelessness projects, mostly meal distribution.

ETA: The Simon Community weren't involved until 2018.

ETA: I just reread my initial post and I think I see where the confusion is arising. Jack claimed that Streetreads runs from "their hostel". They don't have a hostel. Two years after Jack set up the store they did partner with the Simon Community who do have hostels but again this really isn't anything to do with Streetreads who still run from stalls and are in the process of setting up libraries in Glasgow and Edinburgh.

 

[Potatoes O’Houlihan]

That extension lead ljc

Those period pants on the counter

Those scuzzy trotters planted on the surface...
ok I’m done

 

[Madonna_Claws]

Yo ninnies! Just spotted a writer on Twitter with over 11.K followers and a blue tick has tweeted a few times about our heroine. Can't screenshot as apparently technology hates me at the moment.

He says: "Interestingly, monetising your dislike of the Tories seems to me to be a very Tory thing to do." and a few other things. Conversation is definitely about JM. Getting a fair few likes. Seems to have been drawn into it over some argy-bargy with that Supertanthingy?? Or something to do with that Russ lad. Can't quite follow.

He's a friend of mine 🔺️It's aimed at Supertanskiiiiiiiiii, they had a bit of a spat earlier on, but could easily apply to any number of Twitter grifters (inc Rachael Swindon and the Shoeburyness Swindler)

 

[FlirtyThirty]

Evening Canal,

Long time lurker, now turned stocktaker. I've found THAT BLOODY LAMP.

Spoiler: THAT BLOODY LAMP

View attachment 1646077

View attachment 1646079

View attachment 1646080

It’s not that one. THAT BLOODY LAMP is the one in “SBs” room shaped like leaves/long grass….!!

 

[streby]

Maybe she can unplug a couple of them as she rolls past the kitchen next time she has one of her frequent falls down the bungalow stairs.

It'd be even worse if the fridge was plugged in too.

 

[Sketchy]

It'd be even worse if the fridge was plugged in too.

And the toaster she doesn't have, the one that was in full view and even had the word TOASTER written on it.

 

[SocksMagoo]

It’s not that one. THAT BLOODY LAMP is the one in “SBs” room shaped like leaves/long grass….!!

Well aren't I a ninny off to find the correct lamp I go

 

[Orphan_Black]

It’s not that one. THAT BLOODY LAMP is the one in “SBs” room shaped like leaves/long grass….!!

To be fair, all her lamps are horrible.

Jack has awful, awful taste.

 

[Lurker1985!]

For someone who did ballet for many years she has terrible posture

 

[FlirtyThirty]

Well aren't I a ninny off to find the correct lamp I go

Not at all. There are a multitude of crap lamps (cramps??) in her house!!