Jack Monroe #410 If you don’t give me money, the kid gets rickets

[moldwarp]

Well no, but politicians do seem to get more than their deserved share of action usually? I mean in terms of sexual appeal, she's probably on a par with Prescott, and that didn't hinder him .

She doesn't believe in sex before marriage. She never got married, therefore she's never had sex.

I disagree with Widdicombe politically but I must say I've got respect for the fact that she a;ways seems to have lived by her principles in her own life. She's not like one of those politicians that preaches family values then gets caught with her pants down shagging the parliamentary aide or whatever, so, ya know, fair play to her.

Also, maybe she's like our dear Jackie and gets her sexual kicks from sitcking her fingers into a tin of anchovies and jostling her ovaries.

 

[LadyGarden]

Good afternoon ninnies.

Jacks glorious return to social media is going well I see.

Send defibrillator-os for her online credibility.

 

[NobblyBobbly]

And then she gave up any pretense of subtlety and came up with "duck Me Sauce."

duck me sauce?




Her food writing puts me off food AND sex.

 

[Sensible Susan]

The way she talks about her height SO BLOODY OFTEN makes it sound deeply false to me, too.

It made up about a third of her Tinder profile - some guff about being 5' 1.7" (who uses decimals when talking about feet and inches?! why not use cm if you want to be that precise?), followed by something like "and I never ever wear heels so if you're into tiny wee pocket rockets, I'm the perfect girl for you". Bleugh.

Probably means 5' 1 OR 7, depending on the hairdo du jour

 

[Smeghead]

Fraus, I have just measured my forehead to try & determine the difference in height between Jack & Lindsey Corkhill. My previous tattle related 'WTF are you doing??' was washing my hair one handed to determine that she didn't need to have those 'plaits' put in. These are symptoms of the group psychosis aren't they? And my google history is so bizarre, I looked up all the job requirements & person specifications for being a fire service contact centre worker yesterday.
ps did i mention my urgent deadline today?

I wrote a letter a few weeks ago on my laptop pretending to be the one from the Essex Celebrity Police Squad to Jack that she said she got eight years ago and was on the last line “please do keep in touch, the welfare of minor celebrities throughout the county remains our sole priority,” until I had to ask myself what the duck I was doing with my life and to get on with the work I actually get paid for.

 

[Ooointitot]

It will be interesting to see how it fares against Sali Hughes book which really is aimed at the middle classes, imparting such wisdom as how to chop an onion. I guess Jack’s equivalent will be how to make an onion as unappetising as possible

Jack's Monroe, the first food writer in history to make the onion cry

 

[Valiofthedolls]

My demon whispers 'These hands have made love' .

Because I’m an equal opportunity demon whisperer I can’t post @MaineCoonMama’s and leave you unwhispered to, dear heart

Spoiler: Hands: Send Exorcist-os

Personally, even though that makes me I am equally traumatized by the thought there are still “hundreds of poems and songs and essays” she’s yet to inflict on an unsuspecting world.

PS don’t bother taking photos of your hands, 2018 squigs, she doesn’t give a duck about them. She just wants to talk about herself and show off the ‘clever’ hashtag she just thought up.

EDIT: I’ve just realized she looks like she’s photoshopped a bowl of slop she was holding out of that hand picture

 

[The carlin]

Me too, they quite often have "socialist" in their bio too, no clue what socialism is though. These are Jack's liberal fanbase, paying her so they don't have to touch the poors.

This.

My belief is that her core cheerleaders are Orwells 'middle class book learned socialists'. They like the idea of socialism, but don't want to get dirty and involved with the genuine working class and real poverty and don't want it to impact on their lives. Jack gives them all the good feels to allay any guilt without touching the great unwashed.

 

[Five hundred dogs]

Someone described Jack as a pick me earlier, I d heard the term but didn’t really know what it meant. It really is Jack to a T, right down to the obsession with height. This is from the Urban Dictionary-


A girl who acts different around boys than they do girls, and they have a lot of "guy friends" and act like girls are always trying "too hard" for guys…
They say "quirky" when describing themselves.
"Omg! I am so short! I'm only 5,4! don't laugh at meee!""Um.. i dont wear that much makeup! haha i only wear chapstick and mascara i am just not like the other girls hah..." pick me girl.

 

[WhyYouCry?]

duck me sauce?




Her food writing puts me off food AND sex.

It’s quite the feat, isn’t it?
Hang on… has anyone ever considered the fact that she might have been planted by the Tories to 1) Reduce obesity (coz no fucker is hungry after reading her books and 2) Reduce the population, coz no fucker wants to shag after reading her books?

Makes you think.

 

[Bugger13]

Jack’s height is a constantly changing thing depending on whether her spine has crumbled overnight or how high her quiff is. I estimate her as 6’2.3 in the rolling pin pic.
Ps those questioning their life choices, I hear you. Have a mountain of work here

 

[SweetTransvestite]

Well yes - although I'm now imagining Prezza and Ann going at it in the speakers chair. Quick Jack - post a thot shot to cleanse my mind!

duck sake Geets, I didn't need visuals of the Widdecombes dispatch box whilst consuming luncheon.

 

[SpudYouHate]

How is that any different to those people who claim to have cancer and do not. Hope she gets the Po Po at her door

Urgh. Might unleash some wrath here but I looked at Felix Fern's recent crowdfunder the other day and I smell a fair sized rat, frankly.
Or else there is an absolute EPIDEMIC of self-diagnosed/ undiagnosable mobility issues amongst the younger generation which should be given due scrutiny asap.

 

[Bugger13]

Ann W has a similar shark eye thing going on.

 

[WhyYouCry?]

Jack’s height is a constantly changing thing depending on whether her spine has crumbled overnight or how high her quiff is. I estimate her as 6’2.3 in the rolling pin pic.
Ps those questioning their life choices, I hear you. Have a mountain of work here

Thank you for the new avatar, dear heart.

 

[Valiofthedolls]

Also when she says "I'm really sweary" with the giddy hyena laugh and goes in to pepper the next few lines with swears.
Woo, go you maverick.

Oh LJC, this is a prime absolutely ovary, artery and courgette curling example of that, even for those with none of the three above. Seriously, an amoeba would cringe itself into oblivion at Dangerous Poetry Slam Edgelord Jack

“OH NO, duck OFF, I REALLY AM SHY AND RETIRING”


Equally appalling and absolutely incandescent with self-adoration, but a lot less snotty sounding back than. Makes you think…

As a reminder, she has “hundreds” more of these “poems” to share with the world at any moment. Be afraid, pals. Be very afraid.

 

[SpudYouHate]

Which pair? She has many

The clear, NOT massive ones like vintage NHS style. (I did actually have those too!)

 

[Foxvint]

The way she talks about her height SO BLOODY OFTEN makes it sound deeply false to me, too.

It made up about a third of her Tinder profile - some guff about being 5' 1.7" (who uses decimals when talking about feet and inches?! why not use cm if you want to be that precise?), followed by something like "and I never ever wear heels so if you're into tiny wee pocket rockets, I'm the perfect girl for you". Bleugh.

Sali Hughes is the same. Its an affectation some women who find themselves adorable try to cultivate

 

[SpudYouHate]

Oh LJC, this is a prime absolutely ovary, artery and courgette curling example of that, even for those with none of the three above. Seriously, an amoeba would cringe itself into oblivion at Dangerous Poetry Slam Edgelord Jack

“OH NO, duck OFF, I REALLY AM SHY AND RETIRING”


Equally appalling and absolutely incandescent with self-adoration, but a lot less snotty sounding back than. Makes you think…

As a reminder, she has “hundreds” more of these “poems” to share with the world at any moment. Be afraid, pals. Be very afraid.

My 13 year-old- off school sick- just said "Mum! Turn it off, my brain is melting" and "This made me vomit more than I did in the bathroom at school"

 

[alphaspagbol]

I'm both annoyed that she has similar glasses to me and also confused as to why she only seems to wear them once in a blue moon. Are they plain glass and intended to make her look more intellectual, or what?

I have glasses but only wear them very very very occasionally when I’m having a few days off my contact lenses so it could be that. About once every two months.