Ah the comedown shame is kicking in is it?
The realisation that you are in your mid 30s with a child to take care of,
the reality of (the possible / speculated) dangers of substance abuse.
The whoring out of yourself (no shaming from me, you do you)
The patching together of memories as they randomly reappear.
the cringe of the receipts on Social Media that you don't remember..
The realisation that your sleep pattern will be fucked for a week because of the above.
etc
All speculative and entirely IMO your honour.
Been there, done that, still do it occasionally, just not on this level.