ContentCrunch
VIP Member
Adventures in boiling soap 
It’s 7.55pm as I begin the toil. Dove beauty bar is opened and the aroma of 1997 Sunday night bath time before school softly gently wafts into my nasal passages.
It’s 7.55pm as I begin the toil. Dove beauty bar is opened and the aroma of 1997 Sunday night bath time before school softly gently wafts into my nasal passages.
The toil begins. As I start to grate I immediately remember a life hack of using oil to lubricate your cheese grater for ease of cleaning but alas it is too late. The Pinterest recipe calls for coconut oil to assist as a setting agent however the JM details are thus yet found so we press on. Dry.
8.01 the 5 year old comes into the kitchen “is that cheese?”
“No it’s soap.”
“Then why are you grating it?”
“Good question”
She takes over
“No it’s soap.”
“Then why are you grating it?”
“Good question”
She takes over
8.03 she loses interest the toil is too tremulous. I am left to resume and lightbulbs are failing.
Surprised that there is a bulb unscrewed. Am I really becoming Jack?
Surprised that there is a bulb unscrewed. Am I really becoming Jack?
I resume. Half a bar to go.
I ponder the ASMR soap shaving craze on YouTube and wonder why I haven’t videoed this process and monetised it like a true internet maverick and take a peek at my soap shavings
I ponder the ASMR soap shaving craze on YouTube and wonder why I haven’t videoed this process and monetised it like a true internet maverick and take a peek at my soap shavings
08.10 my shoulder is starting to become ouchy. I begin to feel concern for my twisted not arthritic knuckles moving slowly and painstakingly closer to the grater teeth
As the beauty bar reaches its last inch I decide fast short strokes are the way forward if I’m going to spill blood it must happen quickly
I complete the grating with no injury, just a greasy feeling now I must decide are all cups interchangeable… the Pinterest recipe calls for one cup of water per bar. But which?
I decide to go small as you can always add but cannot easily taketh away
I decide to go small as you can always add but cannot easily taketh away
I boil the kettle and consider the kWH then make a well in the soap flakes just like THAT MAN showed me how to when making pizza dough and focaccia
I add the boiled water gradually and think back to making baby rice to shove in my baby’s bottle so I could watch Jeremy Kyle in peace
I add the boiled water gradually and think back to making baby rice to shove in my baby’s bottle so I could watch Jeremy Kyle in peace
Half a cup seems suffice then I remember the advice not to stir too vigarously and softly gently fold in the remaining flakes
The texture now reminds me of breast milk posset I decide to microwave the mixture as I think lumps need more heat to dissolve. Gestures, to the micro-warve-eè!
I cover loosely with cling film and apologise to biggest Dave and all the baby turtles and blast on full tentatively for 15 seconds
But shower gel it ain’t. I’ll let you draw your own comparisons to what it looks like.
The texture is like exactly as you would expect it’s the soap scum left in a soap tray but hot. I rinse my hands but can’t shake the soapy feeling
I ping for another 45 seconds then add Coconut oil as per Pinterest
I cover loosely with cling film and apologise to biggest Dave and all the baby turtles and blast on full tentatively for 15 seconds
But shower gel it ain’t. I’ll let you draw your own comparisons to what it looks like.
The texture is like exactly as you would expect it’s the soap scum left in a soap tray but hot. I rinse my hands but can’t shake the soapy feeling
I ping for another 45 seconds then add Coconut oil as per Pinterest
It just sits on top like ghee in a takeaway curry then becomes sentient and swallows my spoon.
With the addition of coconut oil it really would make great stage spunk for only fans content
I funnel it into an empty hand soap container and pretend nothing ever happened
Fin.
Fin.
comments club
