Jack Monroe #259 “I’m alright Jack” Monroe

[Cheekymonk3y]

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There you go.

Sooooo we rinse tinned stewed steak () for ‘a couple of seconds’ but elsewhere we rinse a tin of chickpeas for FIVE bleeping MINUTES???!!!

 

[Onestorytoomany]

I've decided to just start making tit up for attention like Jack. I don't have a job because I am so stunningly beautiful and socially competent it intimidates everyone who beholds me. Nigella once proposed to me but I had to turn her down because my cat didn't want to move to London. When I was at school I was handpicked to take my A levels two years early and was declared the most gifted child in all of the northern hemisphere. Last week a group of men were laughing at me in the gym so I bench pressed 100kg and then spin-kicked all of them in the shins like a possessed Beyblade.

This is fun, I'm starting to see why she does it.

That's nothing. I once cooked for the queen and told prince Andrew to duck off I wanted to watch Hollyoaks in peace. I also got told my a lady Dr, I have the best tits she's ever seen and that I should be in Baywatch. ( Even though I was seven, when it was big on the telly)

*Made up for laughs* no princes were offended during the making of this post*

 

[Cookiecookie]

To think I actually once considered buying this book

I think it speaks volumes about my mental state at the time that I did!

Only recipe I've actually made from it was a pear and chocolate cake, which was distinctly average.

 

[EllaEm87]

I've decided to just start making tit up for attention like Jack. I don't have a job because I am so stunningly beautiful and socially competent it intimidates everyone who beholds me. Nigella once proposed to me but I had to turn her down because my cat didn't want to move to London. When I was at school I was handpicked to take my A levels two years early and was declared the most gifted child in all of the northern hemisphere. Last week a group of men were laughing at me in the gym so I bench pressed 100kg and then spin-kicked all of them in the shins like a possessed Beyblade.

This is fun, I'm starting to see why she does it.

Is this a pick which one is the lie game? Totally the BIB, way too far fetched, anyway Jack claimed that so it must be her truth, not yours. Rest I believe.

 

[Onestorytoomany]

Spoiler: Belfast!

Such a good film! My mum grew up in the area and was the same age as the wee boy at the same time. Granny still lives near cavehill. Loved all the scenic shots too, saw a couple of Carrickfergus castle . Jamie Dornan’s dad delivered me! And I went round his house a few times as a kid, though he was a bit older so not interested in annoying little toddler girls.

Has Jack worked out what a mung bean is yet? Any sign of the Virtuous Bellend Index?

Spoiler: Belfast

I spent alot of my mispent youth around that area as I went to studied in Belfast. Many many years ago it was now. So I knew all the scenes well.

 

[Prognosis Negative]

Again- absolute tosh. The NHS is on its knees. We don’t prescribe fish oil supplements. Suggest maybe but there’s not a practice out there that can afford to prescribe supplements to people who are more than able to pay for them.
It’s this sort of bollocks that makes me dislike her intensely, there are so many peoples lives that are crippled by arthritis whilst they sit on waiting lists for joint replacements.
I sometimes think I’m really horrible because I just can’t bring myself to feel sympathy for her but then I read this sort of self centred maudlin nonsense and remember that actually it’s her that’s horrible.

The NHS doesn’t hand out eye patches either, even if you have conditions that require you to rest your eye from light.

 

[EllaEm87]

The NHS doesn’t hand out eye patches either, even if you have conditions that require you to rest your eye from light.

I’ve only ever seen plastic shields you tape or bandage on given out (for post cataract protection etc) - never seen an eyepatch and we don’t just have them lying around (I’m nhs!)

 

[Orphan_Black]

The way she writes; 'whatever dregs I have lying around', implies so much. This must have been when she was a boozer (I'm so unsure about whether she has a full addiction). It implies to me that she's using the half drunk left overs from night before, cig butts filtered out, of course.

 

[Sideboard Bob]

Do QR codes even work for websites that only exist in 2018?

 

[Eurgh]

Only recipe I've actually made from it was a pear and chocolate cake, which was distinctly average.

The Nigella recipe she stole it from is much nicer! (Disclaimer: I’ve never made Jack’s but we can be fairly confident)

 

[Bugger13]

Haven’t caught up so sorry if this has been posted but some squig has suggested buying a photograph of some soaked beans. Give me strength.
Such bullshit arselicking.

 

[Nottonightbabe]

Sorry a bit behind, but sounds like an Open Uni degree. You can defer your modules for years (you have about 12 years for a course at max) and if it's her first degree she'd get a student loan and wouldn't need to pay back for a few years or ever if income low enough . They are very supportive of deferring if having issues and I could rather uncharitable-ly speculate that if maybe a first assignment came back with a little less than ideal marks or the dawning of how much hard work it really is....

OU doesn't have any nutrition courses though. She said she had enrolled on a Nutritional Therapy degree course. Probably like most of her big ideas, she jacked it in at the first hurdle. Or, she was just outright bullshitting.

 

[Amanda Lin]

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There you go.

This genuinely sounds like the worst meal I could ever imagine. Like some sort of 80s school dinner slop mush.
So much obsession with rinsing steak. First carefully, then thoroughly and how to clean the tinned “juice” from the sink!?
I can just imagine a professional chef reading this and chuckling aloud.

 

[Emmapism]

Haven’t caught up so sorry if this has been posted but some squig has suggested buying a photograph of some soaked beans. Give me strength.
Such bullshit arselicking.

Will probably go next to a sign that says EAT in big red letters. Like, what the duck else am I gonna do in a kitchen you ballbag

 

[kachoochoo]

The NHS doesn’t hand out eye patches either, even if you have conditions that require you to rest your eye from light.

can confirm.

you only get a patch if you're a very small child and it's the first attempt at treating your squint

surgery? shield and/or cotton wool pad/gauze depending what you've had done

owt else? bring sunglasses

🔺️ 16 years in ophthalmology

 

[Bugger13]

Will probably go next to a sign that says EAT in big red letters. Like, what the duck else am I gonna do in a kitchen you ballbag

Given the intellect shown by many of the squigs, licking the window or wanking off a tap genuinely wouldn’t even surprise me. Imagine them having corks on the ends of their forks like Ruptrect in dirty rotten scoundrels.

 

[OwlRightsReserved]

OU doesn't have any nutrition courses though. She said she had enrolled on a Nutritional Therapy degree course. Probably like most of her big ideas, she jacked it in at the first hurdle. Or, she was just outright bullshitting.

My bets are that it's the Instutite for Optimum Nutrition. The BSc was only launched in Sept 2020 and is a 4.5 year course with Sept and Feb intakes (weird for undergrad but anyway). Its accreditation comes from the fact that it's not actually the awarding body; it collaborates with the University of Portsmouth for its degree validation.

It also looks questionable.

ETA, IofON is a registered charity so I went to look at its dealings with the charity commission, and looky here, they've got things in common with Jack:

 

[DinosaurSenior]

This genuinely sounds like the worst meal I could ever imagine. Like some sort of 80s school dinner slop mush.
So much obsession with rinsing steak. First carefully, then thoroughly and how to clean the tinned “juice” from the sink!?
I can just imagine a professional chef reading this and chuckling aloud.

Chef's Piss

 

[TraceyJacks]

View attachment 1070226
Sooooo we rinse tinned stewed steak () for ‘a couple of seconds’ but elsewhere we rinse a tin of chickpeas for FIVE bleeping MINUTES???!!!

I’m most shocked by only “a little black pepper?!”

 

[jenny2603]

She tells people to pour the sauce from the tin of stew down the sink?! Is that not how fatbergs are formed?!

With what we've had the grave misfortune to learn, we cannot rule out Jack being the source of 60% of fatbergs in South East England.

I've decided to just start making tit up for attention like Jack. I don't have a job because I am so stunningly beautiful and socially competent it intimidates everyone who beholds me. Nigella once proposed to me but I had to turn her down because my cat didn't want to move to London. When I was at school I was handpicked to take my A levels two years early and was declared the most gifted child in all of the northern hemisphere. Last week a group of men were laughing at me in the gym so I bench pressed 100kg and then spin-kicked all of them in the shins like a possessed Beyblade.

This is fun, I'm starting to see why she does it.

"...my cat didn't want to move to London"

I am dead.