Jack Monroe #191 The sound of silence

[Orphan_Black]

Couldn't (un)sexy santa Jack not have chosen somewhere else to take her sultry shot? That background is hilarious to have. Seriously, in front of the pulled Morris curtains would have been a hundred times better!

With all her hats and guises, the only constants are the lies and the half arsed-ness of her endeavours.

 

[colouredlines]

That Santa photo...




(FWIW I don't think she's a cokehead. I think she would get all pearl-clutchy at the very thought of illegal substances...she gives off a "some youths were smoking reefer so I gave an anonymous tip to 999" vibe, you know? Glastonbury stab vest etc...)

 

[Vanelope]

For once I don't think the attention is supposed to be drawn towards the tattoos.

Aww, I remember when mine used to look like that.

 

[Hollaaa]

what the hell??? christine santa keeler jack is a new one on me!

Christine Santa Keeler is the new Louisa J Christ.

 

[Vanelope]

Christine Santa Keeler is the new Louisa J Christ.

No one is going to understand me when I use these for emphasis. It’s a great fake swear.

 

[schmetterling]

Are you sure you want to see this @MaineCoonMama? You're already in a delicate state of health, this might tip you over the edge. I'm going to spoiler it and you can decide at your leisure whether to open it but I'll give you fair warning that you cannot unsee it and I don't think at the hospital they'll be able to excise the specific piece of brain that has the memory of it.

Spoiler: 3...2...1...

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PIE JESU the grinch that stole titmas will be in my nightmares later

 

[gashlycrumbtiny]

Oh they did, babes. Jack gave them potato salad and, uh, a sandwich IIRC.

View attachment 592518

On a grunk so sorry if things have moved on, but this must be Jack. I can’t bring myself to believe that there are people in the world who become incensed every time a new cooking show is launched and Jack isn’t in it. Nobody’s that mental, surely?!

Oh Jack they aren't that rare or unknown. My old housemate used to keep axolotl. He showed Jack-levels of originality naming one Axl. The other was called Stampy after the elephant Bart wins on The Simpsons.

I have an Axolotl. I got him for £5 from a guy who was selling them under the counter at an electrical
store in Edinburgh. My local Dobbie’s garden centre sells them, so they’re not that obscure in the UK either. I have an axolotl pin that I got from Wish.com on my denim jacket but I promise I’m NOT Jack.

 

[schmetterling]

That Santa photo...




(FWIW I don't think she's a cokehead. I think she would get all pearl-clutchy at the very thought of illegal substances...she gives off a "some youths were smoking reefer so I gave an anonymous tip to 999" vibe, you know? Glastonbury stab vest etc...)

Agreed re the pearl clutching, this is from her Glastonbury article for the grauniad... She only stayed one night and took a bleeping Moka pot which she then used as an excuse to performatively whine about getting four hours sleep/being a professional chef pretentious twit

 

[maytoseptember]

“A chef”

 

[Orphan_Black]

Agreed re the pearl clutching, this is from her Glastonbury article for the grauniad... She only stayed one night and took a bleeping Moka pot which she then used as an excuse to performatively whine about getting four hours sleep/being a professional chef pretentious twit

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Only Jack could have a miserable time at a music festival.

 

[schmetterling]

Only Jack could have a miserable time at a music festival.

I freelanced pretty much full time (pre covid-19) in live event production, particularly festivals and worked a decent amount of 15-20 hour days and guess what! I still ALWAYS had fun!
Also even when we had good accommodation with a cooker etc we bravely, softly, furiously endured crew catering instant coffee (jk I love it) and no one had a tantrum when we didn't have croque monsieur for brekkie

 

[Lanie]

Only Jack could have a miserable time at a music festival.

Only she could think she would be stabbed at Glastonbury.

Don't they do like checks and stuff. Also she's hardly a peaky blinder.

 

[Cookiecookie]

Only she could think she would be stabbed at Glastonbury.

Don't they do like checks and stuff. Also she's hardly a peaky blinder.

Remember the Peaky Blinder cosplay with her dad though...?

 

[schmetterling]

Only she could think she would be stabbed at Glastonbury.

Don't they do like checks and stuff. Also she's hardly a peaky blinder.

God, I would love to have her turn up at staff/artist accreditation and be told that she can't get a special magic wristband and has to slum it with the debauched 'reefer' smoking bongo drummers for 24 hours

 

[HotesTilaire]

Smoking some reefer reminds me of some quite “cool, inside info” interview with Oasis back in the day, the writer said one of the band went of to “smoke some spliff” ha ha all credibility lost

I just read that King Marcus had a chat with Obama about young people making change in society, after his FSM campaigning he was the obvious choice.

Although I would have liked to see a smol pixie unleashing their best AAVE and mentioning their stepbrother

 

[Sideboard Bob]

“A chef”

I know we can’t have swears in thread titles, but if emojis are allowed I‘d like to nominate this, “ Jack Monroe #192 - “A chef” “

 

[heretoreaditall2019]

That Santa photo...




(FWIW I don't think she's a cokehead. I think she would get all pearl-clutchy at the very thought of illegal substances...she gives off a "some youths were smoking reefer so I gave an anonymous tip to 999" vibe, you know? Glastonbury stab vest etc...)

Same. I don’t want to post the most triggering comment ever but a loved one’s cocaine problem is so absolutely devastating in so many ways, it destroys every component of their life and a family unit, and I can’t see any of the signs in Jack at all. These threads would be such a dark and scary place if she was. This is opinion obvs and very subjective to your experiences with cocaine dependent ppl so apologies to generalise.

However with that said I wouldn’t be surprised if she feigns it, after Allegra she’s learnt how effective mobilising “her addiction” is at keeping partners hostage so hams it up every now n then.

 

[SarcasticEllis]

I've been slowly, gently trying to put together a comprehensive list of Jacks. It's an impossible task as there are so many there's no way it can be exhaustive. Here it is, spoilered for extreme length. I've tried to group them to make it easier as trying to put them in order from least to most offensive is similarly impossible.

Spoiler: The List of Jacks

localities/nationalities
-Polish
-Scottish
-Northern Irish
-Estuary
-Greek
-American

activities
-knitting
-embroidery
-running
-make-up
-piano
-singing
-reading
-ancient TV series
-weightlifting
-bodybuilding
-budget crafting

jobs
-fire service (inclusive of Grenfell)
-journalist
-writer/author
-TV presenter
-cook

interests
-tank
-bridge
-Bond
-plants
-Asda receipts

LGBTQ
-non-binary
-filthy lesbian
-masculine aesthetic

medical
-sober
-arthritis
-ADHD
-autism
-black eye
-unspecified health problem
-long COVID

food
-vegan cheese
-plant milk
-Pot Noodle
-corner shop
-childhood food
-salad bar
-kombucha
-crisps
-flexitarian
-pescetarian
-trifle

identities
-single mum
-food bank user
-sober
-poor
-political
-pub uncle
-comedian
-legal
-zero waste
-sexy
-karate master
-ballet dancer
-Zoe Eccentricity
-4.5 GCSEs
-diagnosed gifted
-tattooed

hair
-no washing
-Irn Bru fright wig
-reverse rat's tail
-tragic undercut
-normal undercut
-mid 40s mum

miscellaneous
-tin opener
-lockdown rules
-designer fashion
-Liam Neeson/triangulation
-flower crown
-double denim
-passive-aggressive
-openly aggressive
-completed it mate
-caught sleeping
-blue tick arse lick
-Mary Poppins
-slapstick

this is amazing. It’s like a new version of ‘we didn’t start the fire’

 

[waffle maker]

At Glastonbury you can buy about a million types of coffee from all the food trucks and pop up organic cafes etc. I went a few times and I don’t think we ever cooked or had a stove (or even took food with us). There were hardly any police and plenty of drugs but it wasn’t violent. Stab vest the last thing you would need.

 

[ChickenPorridge]

Agreed re the pearl clutching, this is from her Glastonbury article for the grauniad... She only stayed one night and took a bleeping Moka pot which she then used as an excuse to performatively whine about getting four hours sleep/being a professional chef pretentious twit

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F*CK me. Though I've now seen most things that have been posted here before, they just get more cringey and hilarious every time you read them! Hyacinth Bucket but clomping around in her DM boots with two very rushed sleeves of ink. She's a rock star