Jack Monroe #186 The bromelain in canned pineapple is denatured

[traumatised sideboard]

At 5:57pm Sweet Shop Jack was so boring I decided to leave and make dinner after jokingly posting about Curly-Wurlys being bigger as a child. At 6:11pm Jack replies to someone saying Curly-Wurlys were bigger as a child. Move over, @Orphan_Black dear heart, I am positively fizzing with psychic energy like a Dip Dab clutched in the meaty paws of a smol pixie.

 

[lilamay]

Yeah...she's not leaving Twitter, is she

 

[Mel Donte]

I love all those names put together! I don't eat caterpillar cakes, but will be excited to be adjacent to the choccy bugs, we'll need something for the vegans? Whole bananas and a tin of pineapple slices?

And everyone's favourite ice lolly!

I'll bake a vegan caterpillar cake but will only share it with those who have been in my vagina.

 

[ChocolateMuffin]

Who does she think she is, fucking Cher?

Thread title right there

 

[Hollaaa]

Wondering what I can make for dinner, looked in my cupboard, any ideas?

 

[Silver Linings]

A guide dog, a polar bear, a yemen child’s weekly food budget and an elephant? Fancy.

 

[SweetTransvestite]

Jack has two much younger foster siblings, so I suppose Mean Dad was busy skating and eating out with them while, just down the road, Jack and SB starved in a lightbulbless executive flat.

Imagine the phone call:

"Hi Jack, we're going to the park, do you two want to come?"

"I can't today, Dad, I'm pawning the TV so I can afford Weetabix."

"Right you are then. Maybe next week."

On another angst ridden, poverty trek with a crying toddler in one hand and CV clenched in the other, our downtrodden heroine passes a cheery, warm Spud-U-Like and catches a glimpse of happy new family. With noses pressed firmly to the glass in a futile attempt to inhale the heady aromas within a Small boy whimpered "no taytos MamaPapa?" and with an broken spirit, our fragile protagonist pulled away and replied in a smol, shaking voice "No child, no taytos today..thems not for the likes of us" before turning once more into the cold, hard streets of Southend. The unforgiving rain that met them hiding the solitary tear that ran down her cheek.

<end scene>.

 

[Hollaaa]

Bruisers, you say?

Thanks @MarmaladeAtkins for the original receipt.

 

[Marmalade Atkins]

I am waiting for the "still this " quoted tweet where Jack reminds everyone that Jack is still taking a break from Twitter, even though no one has noticed because Jack has just sent 87 tweets in an hour.

 

[DorothyZbornak]

In Jack’s likes. And yet still no retweet of Marcus and Tom’s Full Time Meals initiative, despite it being *checks notes* 10 days, 18 hours and 9 minutes since Jack snarkily asked a squig if there was an ideal deadline by which she had to comment.

Perhaps Diva should consider introducing a ‘Hypocrite of the Year’ category?

 

[Raker]

Oh eff off with your inane witterings. Too busy to retweet TK & MR? ARE. You. Bollocks.

Fruit salads and chew-its? You don’t eat sugar, remember? And certainly not when you’re having “dental” “treatment”.

Hope the blackjacks pull your new veneers off, you tedious, self-satisfied imbecile.

 

[CabalofBolorneaise]

I've got a feeling the deep fried Colin was fake, his wee chocolate face wouldn't have survived the frier intact!

I assumed they removed his face, fried him and then put his face back on.

(I’ll take Things that would sound horrific out of context for $500 Alex)

 

[colouredlines]

I have an aversion to ramdomly capitalised words, we are going on an Adventure etc.

It is Twee, therefore, unacceptable.

She can never remember if her childhood was written by Enid Blyton or Frank McCourt.

 

[bladiesla]

Seriously Jack, you’re trolling us now

View attachment 553650

The nostalgia threads are so boring and old. It's fun to talk about those things with friends, but with strangers online? (Unless you need to up your Twitter stats/ want to burry something). (Though I would love for someome to answer "my favourite sweets are AFFORDABLE HOUSING AND FREE SCHOOL MEALS", in Jack Monroe style)

 

[DisgruntledGoat]

(Sorry I’m finally in the hairdressers and am bored hence avalanche of posts)

The bullies thing today just shows how little progress she’s made despite the expensive probable rehab. Obviously it can’t be nice to have every detail of your life picked over, but she clearly hasn’t taken even a sliver of responsibility for her part in attracting this criticism (and it also calls to question the legitimacy of her claims to have been previously hounded by right wing trolls). There was relatively little negative attention from normal people before she went off on That Man and started begging left, right and centre for money when lockdown started.

Everyone I know in music and theatre etc either paid their taxes properly so they had government grants sorted, or got jobs in Lidl etc to make up for their lost income. It was shit but it’s the nature of freelancing. Meanwhile Jack is throwing her toys out of the pram from her detached coastal bungalow where she lives with her TV exec partner and saying she might go back on a checkout as some kind of desperate last resort (as if they’d have her).

If she genuinely can’t see that it’s her behaviour which made people go “wtf?” and start googling, along with a year of seriously unpleasant behaviour*, then the entire process has been a waste. I look forward to the embroidery career going on the list for the next decade.

* torturing the kitten
exploiting her son
pretending to be able to feed a family on £20 p/w
calling teachers nazis
making horrifying allegations without TW
saying DW is a cokehead
implying she has a list of showbiz abusers but doing fuck all about it
taking multiple unethical corporate deals
appropriating the FSM campaign and implying SB was on them
etc etc etc

 

[ChickenPorridge]

The weirdest part is that this all started off being someone else who was ill and "not her place" to talk about it so either she's trying to elevenerife someones illness, or it was all bollocks

 

[Emmapism]

 

[kachoochoo]

Oooh when is it on?
On topic- hey Fack, remember Topics?

topics are lush and still in existence.

o/t Jack-worthy boring story time

back in college, topics were always the first to run out when the vending machine in the canteen was restocked, they were that popular in turn-of-the-century north shields.

one day, I spied what I believed to be an unclaimed topic in the bottom of the vending machine and swooped in, triumphantly

readers, it was a cold sausage in a topic wrapper, planted by a group of horrible boys who had a jolly good laugh at me

 

[Skyfall]

Sing a long

Here we go again....

Sing a long

Here we go again....

 

[Pocahontas]

It's really obvious when pointed out

And we thought they were just shit roots. It was words, Marmalade! Secret words.