Jack Monroe #186 The bromelain in canned pineapple is denatured

[Into_the_tunnel]

Jack is very busy having prodding and poking exhausting treatment AND redesigning the welfare state, can Jack have a piss and a sandwich now or do you still want them to tell you the ins and outs of their vaccine?

Unless we see an obligatory FB style vaccine photo I won’t believe Jack has had said vaccine.

In other news, have just found out Round the Twist is on Amazon. Given it was made in 1989, I predict Jack will relive how much they loved it when they were a child in the 80s (cough, one years old, cough) and talk about all the terrifying episodes.

Fancy an ear worm anyone?

Have you ever
Ever felt like this?
Do strange things happen?
Are you going round the twist?

 

[Veronicaaa]

I WANT YOU TO BE MY WIFE

<dun dun dun dun-dun-dun>

 

[MancBee]

Jack has two much younger foster siblings, so I suppose Mean Dad was busy skating and eating out with them while, just down the road, Jack and SB starved in a lightbulbless executive flat.

Imagine the phone call:

"Hi Jack, we're going to the park, do you two want to come?"

"I can't today, Dad, I'm pawning the TV so I can afford Weetabix."

"Right you are then. Maybe next week."

Or another conversation:-
"Hey Evelyn, our Jack is having a yard sale selling off everything 'cause she can't afford jam. I've read all about it on Facebook. Do you think we should go and buy some of the stuff to help her out?"

"No. Who the hell wants all that junk shop tat?"

 

[StudleyRoger]

I love all those names put together! I don't eat caterpillar cakes, but will be excited to be adjacent to the choccy bugs, we'll need something for the vegans? Whole bananas and a tin of pineapple slices?

And everyone's favourite ice lolly!

Fear not, the Vegan Kind supermarket do a vegan one! He's called Archie.

ETA - Actually, inspecting the picture he doesn't look a patch on Colin. Sorry vegans.

 

[FlashBoof]

I’ll just translate that for you. “Send money, I’m severely ill and am unable to work.”

Of course - those Patreon subs won’t grow on their own now, will they. I am only surprised she hasn’t rattled the tip jar too. Mind you, I would love to know who is fronting the £500 a week hotel bill. Even if the bungalow has been given up, surely, a poorly smol pixie would be better off staying in one of the many bedrooms her parents have. Or, if she does have to be London based, a close (scarfless) dear friend could put her up. If things are a bit delicate and tough, I cannot imagine for a single second, isolation in a hotel room is ideal.

By the way, I can’t remember who mentioned it now, but someone said the bungalow never looked like a kid lived there and you are right! Even the “fallen asleep with a blanket on me” pic, the room looked impersonal and not fitting for a boys bedroom. No character bedding, no visible toys or posters. Just the kid and his Harry Potter book in a double bed/guest room kind of set up. When you set aside monetising being a poor single parent, it’s all a bit heartbreaking, really.

 

[waffle maker]

Also, I hate the embroidered shirt. The balance of colours is all wrong, the massive cowpat at the bottom doesn't work with the poppy (WHERE'S YOUR POPPY? DO YOU HATE THIS CONUNTRY AND THE WAR DEAD?)

 

[traumatised sideboard]

Going back to the acceptance speech video I don't think she looks unwell, I think we're just so used to seeing her perfectly smoothed in the soft glow of the rejuvenating pink curtains or a perfectly placed sunbeam that changes her complexion to a healthier hue. She does appear to be attempting to roll her eyeballs back in her head to see if she still has any of her brain left which is disturbing. She still needs that undercut sorting as well and I dearly wish that Lord Jesus Compton would put that poor mercilessly skewered blazer out of its misery like she did to the Tower Bridge python.

 

[colouredlines]

WHO FUCKING CARES?

 

[Pocahontas]

The break from social media’s going well then.

 

[Veronicaaa]

Wondering what I can make for dinner, looked in my cupboard, any ideas?
View attachment 555075

That's a nice looking tin of tomatoes you got there, do you mind sending me the empty can once you're finished with it?

 

[ChickenPorridge]

Jack posting to remind everyone that she's not posting is the Jackest Jack to ever Jack

 

[heretoreaditall2019]

Omg this is such dead content, down to the specific bus route

Remember the creepy vampire guy who’d tweet her? Wonder which chaos turned him off her

 

[DisgruntledGoat]

Not sure if anyone has spotted this yet, but there is writing in the embroidery she's done. I've tried to highlight.
View attachment 558820View attachment 558819

I looked the phrase up and apparently it's an AA/NA thing.

P.S. from a distance the work looks fine, I feel a bit horrible saying but looking closely it won't stand up to a wash and is quite untidy.

It’s all just a stupid performance to her. All slogans and no substance. No wonder she keeps relapsing. Absolute refusal to do any work on herself and her horrible personality, while showing off and breadcrumbing something more serious and sadfishing at every opportunity. She’ll never be well because she’s enabled at every turn and has no capacity for self-reflection.

 

[traumatised sideboard]

Hooooooooooonk, it's the new thread trumpet >>> Jack Monroe #187

 

[traumatised sideboard]

I predicted her return by midnight last night and would you look at that, up she pops at 11:30pm like a verminous peeky mink. I don't want to be psychic Thankyou Jack, I'm already freaked out enough that Psychic Slopbot might be truly psychic, even though I built him and (spoilers) he's essentially just a random number generator.

I'm choosing to believe these steroid injections are part of her pescetarian bodybuilding and in a couple of weeks she's going to swan in Ronsealed to oblivion and ripped as fuck.

 

[Ladderedtights]

Jack of all Tirades would be more apt.

thread title!

 

[MancBee]

The sweet talk is making me feel depressingly old as I can remember being able to get four fruit salads etc for 1p and a mars bar for 3.5p. I did only get 10p a week pocket money at the time!

Worry not, I remember them at 4 for 1d, that would be 8 for 1p! Now that is a long time ago.

At least you didn't have to contend with pre decimalisation money calculations. How about a share of the weekly pay of £4 17s 8d divided between 4 friends and then multiplied it by the 17 weeks each person works. What did each friend receive? I really do remember those calculations and getting the ruler across my knuckles for getting it wrong.

See Jack, the older you get the more things cost. In another 30 years things will have an even higher price. It is the same with house prices, they generally get more expensive as time goes by, except in a financial crisis, but even then they recover. It is why wasting all your money on consumer goods that you do not need instead of saving a deposit is just stupid.

I wouldn't be holding out for a rich partner either, to let them buy you the forever home you seem to think you deserve. You are getting older Jack, you are no longer the cute little trophy wife, and you have little else to offer.

 

[SweetTransvestite]

Sweet shop Jack from 1hr ago has 110 more comments than her pinned 'How it started, How it's going' tweet...
Absolute LOLZ.
#influencer.

ETA. Award winning influencer.

 

[colouredlines]

Or another conversation:-
"Hey Evelyn, our Jack is having a yard sale selling off everything 'cause she can't afford jam. I've read all about it on Facebook. Do you think we should go and buy some of the stuff to help her out?"

"No. Who the hell wants all that junk shop tat?"

"Baz from work reckons he saw our Jack out on a street corner last night. I can't believe it, but he says it looked like she was on the game! Should we give her a ring?"

"Nah. The kids want to go skating. We can't disappoint them!"

 

[colouredlines]

She is THE top lesbian influencer. You are forgiven.

Does this mean she only influences lesbians? That explains so much, I've been following her for a year and still eat food with texture. I'm safe! (Sorry, sapphic Frauen. Thoughts and prayers)