Jack Monroe #136 We lived in a house, it had a roof

[colouredlines]

I'm shocked we've never had Jack Monroe: Bootstrap Crook as a thread title...

 

[holliebollie]

‘But in order to improve the lives of people living in hardship, the voices of those in the eyes of their own personal storms need to be raised and not talked over by well-meaning people keen to charge to the front of the furore.’ Shut the fuck up then, you shark eyed cretin. Nothing to do with you.

The thing is, it wasn’t anything to do with her TEN YEARS AGO. We found out this week that she didn’t even apply for benefits because of her snobby, Tory ways. She went poor for 10 months because she chose to, not because of the benefit system (which I know is shit and does genuinely cause spirals of financial shitdoom).

Since then she’s become a bestselling author (fuck knows how but she likes to tell Twitter enemies this before immediately saying she’s too poor to by a £1.29 block of butter and lard will do)... became engaged to a millionaire, then engaged to another wealthy woman, has done numerous appearances, partnerships and written more books. And she has the gall to write in a national newspaper that she is financially unstable?!? What the actual FUCK.

I will be writing to the Guardian to say, maybe get the opinion of some people who HAVE had experience of Universal Credit fucking up. Those who have had their child on FSM. Those who have had to handover vouchers to the assistant and explain: “No, I don’t need a clubcard to use that, they’re for poor children on FSM.”
Without myself, I ended up in a world of shit last year for pointing out issues with universal credit and it went to a local newspaper. Lost my job, had people saying ‘people like me’ (an ex-teacher doing a masters who happens to have two children) shouldn’t have children, my degree was useless, also, I should jump off a bridge. The most insulting was telling me to get a nose job It’s not even big! You stick the words ‘single mum’ and ‘benefits’ in a headline and you are a scumbag. UNLESS you’re Jack Monroe and it leads to a life of Viv Westwood, millionaire girlfriends and Cotswolds coming out of your ears. Can you tell I am fummin’?!

 

[Boyo]

Confidence tricks are a preference for the habitual liar in what is known as
(Narclife)
And morning slop can be avoided if you add some texture right into what is known as
(Narclife)

BB’s got a guilty look, she gets intimidated by the cattos, they love a bit of it
(Narclife)
Who’s that slop queen marching, you should cut on your griftin’ mate, get some morals!!

All the people
So many people
They all go tweet by tweet
Tweet by tweet into her Narclife
Know what I mean?

I gets up when I like except on Wednesdays when I’m rudely awakened by the Cooper
(Narclife)
I put on my denim, have a non-existent cup of tea and decide not to leave the house
(Narclife)

I feed the chaos, I sometimes feed the monkeys too
It gives me an enormous sense of self-importance
(Narclife)

And then I’m happy for about 5 minutes, safe in the knowledge that there’ll always be a little bit of the web devoted to it

All the people
So many people
They all go tweet by tweet
Tweet by tweet into her Narclife

Narclife
(Narclife)
Narclife
(Narclife)

It’s got nothing to do with your Free School Meals campaign, you know.
(Narclife)
And it’s not about you Patreons, whose pleas for stuff go round and round and round
(Narclife)

All the people
So many people
They all go tweet by tweet
Tweet by tweet into her Narclife

 

[Satisfying Click]

I scrolled to the bottom of the Guardian article looking for the words, "Jack Monroe did not receive payment for this article, the fee was donated to Magic Breakfast." but alas! They were not there!

Maybe they forgot to add it in?

 

[colouredlines]

Just spotted in the street 🔺️

Spoiler: RIP feathered friend

 

[DorothyZbornak]

De-lurking at last (been reading since April/Thread 2 when the THAT MAN meltdown caused me to dig a bit deeper on JM and reader, I could not believe the AUDACITY) as I currently spend a minimum of 42 hours a day on Tattle so a few posts can’t hurt now and then.

Anyway I have time travelled from the past (need to grunk about 20 pages to catch up on all the latest RM craic) to bring you Jack’s appearance on Dr Ruby’s show:

Thrifty Cooking in the Doctor’s Kitchen - Series 1: 1. Jack Monroe

Dr Rupy cooks up some budget friendly meals with anti-poverty campaigner Jack Monroe.

www.bbc.co.uk

For those who suffer badly with second hand embarrassment, you can watch a natural, engaging and talented presenter up to about the 4 minute mark...and then Dr Rupy introduces Jack.

At the risk of giving away too many spoilers, highlights for me include the Deirdre glasses both off AND on, Jack passive aggressively suggesting Dr Rupy is stealing her job/all up in her niche, the awkwardness of her not knowing what to do with her hands at the beginning, and the fact that in between her segments there is a quick “fridge leftovers” pesto which not only looks delicious but doesn’t credit Jack or use a bag of E. coli as the star ingredient.

But the most *genius* part of all is that Dr Rupy doesn’t actually allow her to cook, so she just has to sit there holding a cup (not coffee, she doesn’t drink it) as a prop and talking about her bean collection.

To be fair to Jack, this is one of her less cringey tv appearances, but still plenty of material for Bootstrap Bingo™️ which is after all the shizz that we sad little Hausfrauen live for.

ETA I see other more learned Frauen have beat me to it on the Dr Rupy scoop! Credit to @NP

 

[NP]

From that Guardian article.

“But I can’t help feel that, well-intentioned as it is, writing a letter calling for a review feels like sitting in a house that is well alight and musing over where you should have put the smoke detector.”

Not only shitting on JO, TK & MR’s efforts, but contradicting herself yet again. When #Thunderclap was her bandwagon of the week, she demanded everyone write letters to their MP demanding better pay for the NHS... but now letters are pointless apparently.

 

[HotesTilaire]

Regular readers of my post may know that I am in receipt of universal credit, having been made unemployed. This weekend I took the decision to go 6p into my overdraft by treating myself to a block of butter. It will be more than a week until I receive benefits. Rattle rattle!
Anyway, as a lifelong vegetarian I had been following the campaign to “keep” the £20 per week UC uplift which came in in April (when I started claiming) because, not gonna lie, it directly affects me and I don’t want to have to downgrade to marg. Or Lard.
We’ve been campaigning on this for a few months now. But good-oh, Sunday afternoon before the Monday vote is apparently the best time to start sending MP’s those emails thanks Jack, where would we be without ya?

 

[waffle maker]

List of questions

How much do you make a week on patreon?
Where is the fish?
What is the truth about BB during all lockdowns?
When did you test positive for COVID and did you visit chip shop with symptoms?
Do you pretend to be a single mum when you get child support and share custody?
How did Cooper hurt his nose?
When did you sell the omega seamaster?
why didn’t you just ask your parents for some money?
Has literally anyone ever asked to see the bikini pub pictures?
Why won’t Marcus follow you on social media?
Why did you dress up as Mary Poppins the other day?
How many freezers do you have?
Why didn’t you just get benefits and live somewhere cheaper?
Why did you buy all those postal Mars bars and crockery and that if you can’t afford rent?
Why did you give the charity donation today if your rent bounced last week?
What percent vegan are you?

 

[traumatised sideboard]

@jenny2603's joke about Jack turning up and shouting at Marcus through one of his windows really tickled me.

 

[HarderFaster]

Roadside Mum has tweeted today about receiving loads of presents. Combined with her tweets about how she should be given a consulting role off the back of this, I’m worried it’s all gone a bit Jack 2.0: This Time There May Be Some Experience of Poverty.

I can’t help but compare gobby Twitter sorts with the people I know from all walks of life who run various foodbanks, lunch clubs, temple kitchens, and they just quietly do it week in, week out, year after year, getting little to no recognition and often topping up supplies from their own pockets despite having little themselves.

Of course digital campaigning has a part in activism, but it’s much smaller than is made out to be. Way too many people, led by their Povvo Filler Queen Munro, have absolutely no material contribution to allaying any of the issues they wank on about to look liberal.

I can’t believe the Guardian have paid her AGAIN to write the same story they’ve paid her to write endless times. Just cannot with this cunt.

 

[Walkdengirl]

I have a friend who is autistic and has adhd (both NHS diagnosed) in her spare time she helps run a food bank, and a baby bank (where if you have no money you can get baby equipment, not babies lol). I have known her spend all night helping sort stuff out if someone is in crisis, and then go to work next day. She advocates for people too, and works full time.

I have no idea how she does it, but she does, she never boasts about it, just gets on and she has just decided to stand for her local council to try and work from within. Where she lives is one of the most deprived areas in England.

I have never known her do a chaos, beg for sympathy or talk about potatoes. She doesn't claw the floor either.

Compare and contrast

 

[Flash123]

What on earth has happened. How have they gone from what seemed like a productive chat to complete carnage in the space of a couple of days? As she clarified it wasn’t the letter then what is it??

 

[People-huv-tae-know]

You know what cabal, it's taken me this long to notice but every time Jack drones on about The Poverty, she talks about how much it affected her. Her, not her child though, not the more vulnerable human being that ought to be the centre of the story.

 

[HotesTilaire]

“People are tired and hungry and have had enough” says Jack on the front of the guardian. Let’s have a vote! Is she referring to
1.the cabal of sad hausfraus - press
2. Her thrifty postcards of beige patrons - press
3.Literally everyone who has to listen to her (bar ZW and squiggles - press
4. Laura Waddell, Kirsty Strickland, Tom Kerridge and Marcus Rashford - press
5. Cooper - press
Edit

 

[PermanentEyeRolls]

This is going back a bit but I can't get it out of my head...

I can't help but wonder what all the children who were fostered by her family think of the way she discusses them?? Imagine going through such trauma and then seeing it published in a national paper and the person who saw you when you were vulnerable calls you feral and in other articles basically implies you were the bane (sp?) of her teen years.

It makes me so angry everytime I think about it.

 

[Harrybosch]

..... and I wish she’d stop talking about being ‘financially secure’.

Not everyone who rents or had a mortgage has savings in the bank and financial security, there are plenty of us who aren’t financially secure , if we lose jobs we’re all up shit creek , not just Jack, call me poor, Monroe.

For most, financial security is an illusion anyway. Unless you have huge savings, all of us are months away from poverty. That's why anyone with a brain should campaign for fair wages and a robust welfare system, not whether the price of garlic has increased.

I've come to the conclusion that she's not very bright.

 

[bladiesla]

She never responds with 'on it', when Patreons ask for their recipe cards. They always get a whole spiel of her ailment du hour.

 

[Pocahontas]

Congratulations to this terrible little trio for the thread title: @BobRob @SoulRebel and @kachoochoo ! Your collective prize: a plate of Jack’s vegan sausage surprise.


Recap of thread #135

1. Jack made a beautiful vegan meal as part of her Linda McCartney collab.
2. Roadside Mum softly, gently made some inroads.
3. Captain Jack likes sea shanties.
4. More DM delights. What larks for someone who seems to enjoy a witty repartee just as much as Jack does.
5. She remains the Guardian’s poster child for poverty.
6. She stink-eyed some organic garlic.
7. She went looking for something to be angry about.
8. She retweeted the time she met Marcus. Tom Kerridge championed Marcus for all that he’s doing ... but, what about Jaaaaack. It’s not fair.
9. Aaaaaand she posted Potatoes again. With comments limited to those who follow her.
10. Oh, the Guardian, you’re spoiling us. Two Jack features in a single weekend.
11. Spoiler: Jack for Dummies

    [*]
    For new joiners to the thread, here is @Passive_Aggressive_Lemon ‘s ‘Jack for Dummies’ post (edited to include updated info):
    
    Thought it might be useful for new followers to have a post at the start of each thread with some info.
    Limegoss article about Jack versus Jamie Oliver : https://limegoss.com/jack-monroe-jamie-oliver/
    
    Thread #31 is the infamous one in which Jack turns up to talk to us directly. She makes her appearance on p. 17.
    
    For anyone wanting to relive the glory days of her two-week stint on Daily Kitchen Live (DKL), have a grunk a through threads 2-9.
    
    *** JACKISMS ***
    
    Jack’s most oft-used reply to questions on recipe substitutions:
    
    Yes, absolutely x
    
    Some other favourite Jack quotes:
    
    ‘Babe, same’
    ‘I did a chaos’
    ‘My maverick brain’
    ‘My sad little face’
    ‘I’m BUSY’
    ‘I HOOTED / I am FIZZING’
    ‘I laughed up a lung’
    
    ** NEW **
    ‘Literally hella embarrassed AF’ about ‘Brexit and flip-flopping Covid flippancy’ and she ‘didn’t even vote for it’.
    
    She likes to describe herself as ‘puppyishly honest and naively enthusiastic’
    
    As of late November 2020, Jack conceded she is not poor, but living to a budget as she is saving for a forever home for her and SB.
    
    *****
    
    One of Jack’s followers once referred to Tattlers as sad hausfraus and Jack herself has likened us to a cabal. Therefore we have become the Cabal of Hausfraus™️. She also recently referred to us as ‘gossip mavens’ (so, we are gossip trusted experts). ** Recent additions to her terms of endearment for Tattle: conspiracy wankers, obsessive groups of completely unhinged bullies, bullying ninnies, and malign, vicious bullies **
    
    To ‘GrunkaLunka’ your way through a thread means to catch up on posts. Named after a member who rather epically caught up on many threads in a short period of time (and is also a fearless pioneer of the space-time continuum. She really was here both Now and Then).
    
    Jack once threatened to use her Liam Neeson skills to TRIANGULATE our whereabouts in order to intimidate us, so that’s what we mean by that. * She may also threaten to take us to court - do not be afraid, this is not the first time and it won’t be the last. *
    
    Jack once sideboard modelled a Vivienne Westwood dress, seeming to infer that it’s what Viv would have wanted (as if she were dead), and then got snippy when corrected otherwise. There may be some ‘RIP Viv’ jokes (she is, of course, NOT dead)
    
    We sometimes joke about being on Vladimir Putin’s bitcoin payroll list for being evil trolls.
    
    During her stint on Daily Kitchen Live, Jack produced a godawful looking lasagne, with a thin white sauce that never thickened up, just disappeared. It was widely likened to ‘horse spunk’ - there may be some horse ‘spirit’ lasagne jokes.
    
    Her last-uttered line to Matt Tebutt on DKL was: ‘Thank you so Matt much, Matt’, which made us all HOOT.
    
    Jack ended a tweet that listed her (not unimpressive) four-and-a-half GCSE results (A*, A, B, B, C) with: ‘Now fuck off’. We sometimes like to use this in our own posts for comedic effect. We are NOT telling other fraus to fuck off, simply paying homage to Jack’s own genteel humour.
    
    *Back in the mists of time, one funny frau used a Jimmy Nail ‘She’s Lying’ picture to illustrate their thoughts on one of Jack’s latest tales. @Alpha Beta thought it was Novak Djokovic, the cabal hooted and Novak Nail was born. You may see reference to Jimmy Nail, Novak Djokovic, or the combination of both: Novak Nail. All demonstrate that she’s lying.*
    
    Also:
    

    • She grew up in a 5-bed (mortgaged/owned) house
    • She got a £4.5k Omega watch for her 21st birthday
    • Her dad's a fucking LANDLORD (an oldy, but a goody)
    • Jack and Louisa are no longer in a relationship - in Jack’s words: ‘She [Louisa] left’.
    • ** NEW ** However, during Lockdown 2 (November 2020), a bubble buddy, ‘buddle’ (BB) came to stay with Jack. BB is pescatarian, cycles 200 miles a week, and works in London. Jack is teaching her to cook, while also using her as a figure of gentle ridicule. She cannot cook, she cannot iron, she cannot clean the television properly, she left the hose out and it got eaten by a fox, and she doesn’t know the difference between wet and dry ingredients.
    • Her record for staying off Twitter since the start of these threads is 114 hours and 47 minutes.
    • She is 90% vegan. The other 10% likes to nom nom on Five Guys burger and discounted chicken slices.
    • During her appearance on DKL, she was asked why some mince has a higher fat content. ‘It just does.’
    • The information held on her by Companies House has her year of birth WRONG. She was born in 1988, not 1978.
    • She recently claimed she found her Burberry scarf in a muddy puddle.

    [*][*][*]
    Use the pink link tab at the top of the thread to find Jack’s Tattle Wiki page, where you will find all episodes of Daily Kitchen Live.
    
    We are terrible for going off on tangents and using too many gifs, so there is another thread where we don’t discuss JM but instead talk about biscuits and stuff. For good light relief when JM is doing too much chaos, come to the Food & Drink threads in Off Topic.
    
    

    • Lastly, but importantly, when submitting ideas for the next thread title, please use the words ‘thread title’, as it makes it easier to search. Just using the number won’t be enough. We also can’t have swears in the title, and try to hold off until around p. 40 for your suggestions, if possible. ThankYOU.

    [*][*][*][*]

 

[jenny2603]

Every time I see ‘feed the children,’ my brain goes all Park Life: “I feed glove pigeons, I sometimes feed the children too, gives me a sense of enormous wellbeing.”

"I get up when I want except on Wednesdays when I get rudely awakened by the bailiffs
(Narclife)
I put my traaazers on, have a cup of tea and I think about 'avin a howl
(Narclife)"